Also a sequel Hatred: Jealous!Petra x Happy!Reader Pt 1/2
Table of Contents <<<<Click there
It's been a little over six years since I divorced my wife.
Back then I wanted something more, and it felt like she wasn’t providing it.
I made promises that I broke, I told her lies of where I was at and why I was working overtime.
I loved another woman and the nights I spent with her were the greatest times of my life back than.
Petra knew of my current status, but she did not mind; as long as one of these days that I will find a way to leave my wife for her…
I felt no regret holding this other woman in my arms, nor d
Once, I heard one of my distant cousins, a boy by the name of Harold, was said to have been caught up in a barn somewhere in Oklahoma during a storm where only the dirt blowsthe dust and dirt block out the sun and the air until you get blown away with it. Apparently, poor old Harold had been caught up in that barn for so long (five days according to old Miss Harris) he eventually just smo
a heaviness that won't compare--
her toes, her smile, her tiny face,
and the imagined white-blonde hair;
forgive this mother's grief for stolen dreams
and let alone these tears that stream.
Forgive this mother's grief,
forgive this mother's grief,
remember things aren't always what they seem.
I know it's wrong to yearn for them,
but those moments when you despair
would give to me what was unsent--
a life of burdens I wish I could wear.
Forgive this jealous heart that wants to share
the grumpy shouts, the unmade beds you bear.
Forgive this jealous heart,
forgive this jealous heart,
remember it's 'bout her, my sweet butterfly of air.
This heart still aches for my baby's weight,
and the screaming absence of her cry
opens anew an unhealed space
where all that lives is the question-- "why?"
Let this heart heal as we grow old
and if an outburst leaves you cold,
let this heart heal.
Let this heart heal,
butterfly babies are heavy to hold.
Hi, how are you? I havent I havent heard from you in a while. I havent felt your soft, plush feet nestle themselves into my ribcage recently. I havent felt your palm press against my stomach to let me know that youre there and youre waiting. Youre waiting to be held by me and to be loved by me. I just want to hold you, baby; I just want to run my finger down your cute little nose and whisper, you look just like your daddy as you coo at me in delight.
I think I know whats happening, but Im afraid to admit it. My stomach has been tied up in knots for a few days. Ive talked to you asked you where you are but you dont respond. Usually, you let me know you hear me. You kick, not so gently, at my bladder. Or you simply just smile, and although I cant see it I can feel it.
I hope I get to meet you someday. Maybe I cant meet you at the end of a nine month period, whe
not one that fits in human hands
just programs, policies
and symbols for the staff,
unassuming, visual reminders
to execute the sensitivities
outlined in their training
grief is a symbol, nicely-printed
on quality cardstock,
grief is placed strategically
in and outside the room,
its scene stands out
as darker than it actually is
since its placard
hosts the only real colors
on a ward of pastel pinks,
blues and yellows
and there, within the four sides
of its cleanly cut cardstock,
a leaf floats, too light
to break the surface tension
of a still stream
i'm sure a marketing study was performed
various walks of life, assembled
into panels of votes taken
and consensus reached
as to what image
would stand out enough
but not too much,
as to what could shift the mind
toward peace and reflection,
but, more importantly,
away from what just happened
and i didn't bother
remembering the room number
because, within that pastel cellblock,
ours was the only door
i hope my words reach your tiny beating heart
because i'll never get to know your face,
to feel your fingers and toes,
or whisper in your ear.
but a heart is all you need to hear me.
so, i'm going to talk,
..and i know that you'll listen.
it was a snowy Christmas evening when something more than holiday spirit permeated my veins.
a warm rush and dizzying tingle came over me.
like moon dust sprinkled above me,
a cool shimmer dusted over my eyes;
_____’s stomach knotted up again, threatening to jettison what little contents remained in it. Every time she had felt nauseated and vomited, it was early in the morning, before the sun had even risen. She cursed her luck. There was no way. She was a high-ranking member of the Survey Corps. She couldn’t afford it.
Her thoughts abruptly halted when she heard someone stirring in the other room. In a rush of panic, she flushed her vomit down the toilet and shakily got to her feet. Muffled footsteps made their way to
Both of my hands rest on the gentle swell of my abdomen. Standing in front of the window above the sink, I draw invisible magic circles on the skin over the baby girl nestled inside my expanding body. I stare out the window at nothing, while a tiny smile plays upon my lips. My eyes may not see, but my imagination is in full swing; I am dreaming wide awake. It is a parent's natural inclination. I see puppies, ribbons and lace, school buses, tears, phones, boys, books and hands clasped with matching gold bands.
We are close, she and I. We share the same breath, the same nourishment. She startles when I do and she doesn't like when I am upset. I don't know that I have ever been closer to anyone, as I am my children. They were literally a part of me, my body their first home. I felt every flutter, movement and wiggle until they were jabbing elbows, backsides and knees. An attentive hostess, I watch with wonder and fearful trepidation as the two of us grow togeth
tears fell from my pining eyes.
You were mine and I loved you,
but it was never to be.
A tiny little form on the screen
I could barely see, not moving.
You were beautiful and perfect,
and I could never tell you.
That precious little smile,
those wondrous big eyes,
your tiny precious ears,
I would never get to see.
Your soft young skin,
the small tuft of hair,
stretching little fingers,
I would never get to enjoy.
A little heartbeat I prayed to hear,
did not make that heavenly sound,
and my heart tore in two.
You were mine, but you silent
and always will.
I love you
It was starting to get the best of her and she stared at him from across the table. As his hand was busy rubbing her sore foot, his golden eyes were returning her stare.
"What?" He said, breaking the silence.
"I'm just wondering what's next, Mr. Hat Trick. I mean, first it was breakfast in bed, then lunch in the park, then you went grocery shopping with me - something we haven't done together in a long time -, then an awesome dinner, and now I'm getting a foot massage. It feels more like my birthday than just a day for us." She said as she rested her cheek on her fist and gave him a small, confident smile.
He lightly chuckled as he kept rubbing her tanned foot. "Well, Mrs. Hat Trick," he started, making her laugh at her new name, "I was thinking that I would go ahead and do the dishes and then we just spend the rest of the night relaxing."
"Don't you already do the dishes?" She laughed.
He placed her foot back on the kitchen tile floor and got up from his seat. He lea
That's all she saw.
Not even a small spec of life, but her own presence.
Why am I here where is everyone? She asked herself in the darkness.
Suddenly a high pitch cry rang through the darkness, a baby's cry. She turned around to see a crib, light blue in color with a bright, firry red blanket draped over the side. She slowly walked over toward the crib, unsure about what was going on. But, something made her suspicions go away and left her with her maternal instincts taking over her body.
Shh, everything is ok baby. I'm here, I'll protect you. She said as she tried to sooth the baby with her calm toned voice. The cry kept ringing in her ears.
She then lightly placed her hand on the railing of the crib and leaned over to look down at the crying child. What she saw was unforgettable.
The baby's cry still rang through the darkness, but there was no baby to be seen. All that was in the crib was a massive pool of dark red blood.
She stared in horror at
She couldn't help it. No matter what, she knew something was wrong. Even though everything went fine during her ultrasound, and everyone was in high spirits about this one making it; something just didn't really seem right with her.
So far, the baby hasn't moved and she's been feeling cramps every now and then. She was very familiar with the cramps from previous experience, but these weren't as painful as the ones before that was what scared her.
She was quietly sitting on the couch in the living room and rubbing small circles on her expanded stomach. She was home alone while he was at work she hated being alone whenever she felt uneasy.
She got up from the couch to go get something to drink and was suddenly struck with another annoying cramp. She decided to just brush off the cramp and continue on with what she was doing. As she reached the kitchen, she was jabbed with another, strong cramp. She began to worry more.
Something's not right.
I didn't know that you were in pain
I brushed my teeth, I combed my hair
I went to the closet and decided what to wear
I grabbed my keys, kissed my husband goodbye
And now i sit here trying my best not to cry.
I felt fine you see, there was no pain to share
I didn't even know that you were inside of there
You were what i wanted, this i hope you know
But it wasn't you time though i wish it wasn't so
You were the missing piece to complete my happy world
I wouldn't have cared if you were a boy or girl
You were a surprise, a very happy one
But i never knew about you until our time was done
I woke up this morning, and things weren't the same
I knew something was wrong i could feel the pain
First the tares and then the cramping
I knew from that very moment what was happening
i was loosing you, you were slipping from existence
I ran to the bathroom hoping i could give you a chance
But it was too late you had slipped from me
There was nothing to
That word was written all over her face as she continued to poke at her stomach.
Her legs were hanging over the couch arm and a pile of pillows were supporting her back. She kept looking down at her exposed stomach and poking it with her finger. Her bottom lip was pushed out and her eyebrows were frowning.
She didn't like the comment that her doctor told her earlier that day, it's been gnawing at her ever since it escaped her doctor's lips.
She then felt the pillow that were supporting her be pushed out from under her back. She fell back with a small cry passing her lips and her head crashing down on his lap.
"Not funny Mako." She said angrily as she stared up at her smirking husband.
"I thought it was funny." He said as his smirk grew. He then placed his warm hand on her exposed stomach. "Are you still worrying about what the doctor said?"
"Yes, I mean, it's only been three months. How can I be showing already? Also, I'm getting closer to the fourth month mark, so
When I found out you were actually growing into more than a simple idea, I brought you a ring of keys.
Small, colorful, plastic keys.
They were $2.99 and my order came to $13.76 after I bought a case of beer and drank in the news of new news...
I was to be a dad.
The simple reason behind me purchasing the plastic toy was that keys are symbolic.
They open doors. They start cars. They get you to, and into, places.
I wanted you to have every door unlocked for you.
News spread of you, and, eventually, stuff piled up. Diapers. Toys. Bottles. Furniture.
Together, your mommy and I changed our habits to prepare for you. We were ready to start a nest.
Weeks went by and the congratulations kept coming in.
How will I coach you through your first bully? How will your mom coach you into getting back on the bike after your first...second...third fall? How will I explain loss to you? Am I even cut out for this dad thing?
Meanwhile, you grew
The feeling showered over her sleeping body. This time no nightmares of the invisible baby's cry taunting her on what she can't have.
The door to her bedroom quietly opened and soft footsteps made its way through the crack that the door made. The soft brushing of the carpet floor stopped in front of her. Black pants touched the cream colored carpet and pale, toned arms rested on the bed in front of her. Gold eyes stared hard at her sleeping face. A pale hand then reached out and brushed some wavy, brown hair off her face and gently beginning to rub her cheek, by slowly and tenderly running its nails over her dark skin. As the nails ran over the tinder skin behind her ear she slightly flinched at the feel of the stranger's nails run over her. She slightly cracked her eyes open to see who owned the hand that cupped her cheek.
"Mako?" She mumbled.
"Hey sleepy head." He said with a tender smile on his face.
Her eyes fully opened, taking in the few of his caring face. She guil
The feeling rain over him as his conciseness began to wake up in his mind. He didn't want his eyes to open, but the feeling of the sun's rays shooting on them made his eyes disobey his needs. His eyes blinked open, showing shimmers of gold within each blink. His vision was first blurred and to fix it, his brain told him to bring his hands to his face and rub his eyes. After waking his face up, he dropped his arms to each side of him, one arm hanging off the side of the bed and the other landing on her pillow. He noticed that his other arm hit her pillow without hitting her head and it was cold. As he turned his head over to where she usually slept, the feeling of heaviness and being constricted came to his attention again. He looked down toward his chest and was introduced to chocolate brown waves brushing against his chin.
She was lying on his chest in a ball, her arms wrapped around his broad torso as tight as she could get them.
He brushed away some of her hair tha
Alone she was
In pitch darkness
In a corner.
Sitting in pain
Holding her back
Tearing her hair.
Crying in despair
Knowing what awaits
Blood on the floor;
her white dress -
She's lost him.
She reached for the shelf,
The only solution.
No water; one gulp;
She finished it all.
No one to stop her.
No one who cares.
He wanted a son -
Only that... matters.
There she lays,
In her bloody white dress
Hers. And her unborn prince'.
That was all she felt as she stood in front of the tall, white building. The glassy windows blinded her with ease and intimidation. She had never felt fear like this before.
She took in a deep breath and griped onto his scarf before finally walking into her personal hell.
"You can sit over there and fill this out. A nurse will be out to get you real soon." A very cheerful, young nurse said to her as she pointed over to a space with empty seats.
Why are they always so cheery? This place is hell, not heaven. She thought as she walked over to the empty seat to fill out the form that she has seen many other times.
She eyes the form and remembers all the times that she has filled it out.
The first time, he filled it out for her. They were both very happy and excited to be at the clean and impressing building. After that, their excitement and happiness shrunk and changed to concern and worry. Her confidence was up high on a thin and delicate tight rope and was abou
It's an abandoned hope and a life no one but the parents know.
Christmas mornings with ecstatic excitement for the ambiguously wrapped boxes.
Soccer games and the big score, and the broken leg that comes along with it.
Goldfish burials in the porcelain grave to mark the loss of Bubbles. RIP.
Awkward family portraits that never turn out right, but are always on the Christmas cards.
Band events and the big, off-key crescendo that is worth more than any Rolling Stones concert.
National Honor service projects that are moaned about, but are secretly loved.
Broken hearts and first crushes, and that little bastard down the street you could kill.
Picking out corsages for the nervous night of first mistakes.
Graduation and all the pictures she complains about, but is thriving in.
Leaving her alone in the August dorm room, knowing she is soaring from the nest.
Walking her down the wedding aisle, to give her to the little bastard you never killed.
She was deeply dazed, almost tripping over her own feet as she walked down the small hall. As she safely made her way out of the hallway, and into the living room, she thought she had made it. But, a hard and cold object decided to intervene.
"Ow!" She shouted as she cursed at the pain she felt on her right toe and face.
"There's a wall there Honey. It's not good to walk in your sleep." He said from inside the kitchen.
She covered her injured face and felt her way around the wall. "Shut up, I'm tired." She then felt her way to the kitchen table and fell into one of the chairs. "It's your fault for scheduling an early doctor's appointment for me." She glared at her husband through her dark toned fingers.
"I know. And my apology for doing that was letting you sleep during the ultrasound and when we got home." He replied calmly as he walked over with a plate and mug. He laid them in front of his exhausted wife to reveal that he made her lunch and brewed some fresh tea.
That was all she felt.
All alone in the full size bed that she shared with her husband, wondering if things would get better with the day to come.
The ringing of the invisible baby's cry kept echoing in her ears, mocking her. All she wanted to do was cry and then fall into a deep sleep, deeper than the one she had after her trauma. The door quietly opened, letting in wonders from the world behind it.
"So I was right. You haven't moved since I got up." He said as his footsteps told her that he was nearing where she lay.
The soft brushing of bare feet to carpet was barely audible, but she was still able to make it out from all the other noises she heard. The sounds of the city below their small, two bedroom apartment were flooding their bedroom with car horns, bird chirps, and the town's people. The noises were then all forced out of the small room when he went to close the square shaped, shutter window. The last bit of noise she heard was the small "click" of the shutter
She loved to see the sun give off its cheerful aura whenever she was down. Before entering their home she looked up to the sun and gave it one of her cheerful smiles. She opened the unimpressive brown door that lead her right into their small living room, and set her grocery bags down on a nearby table.
"Mako, I'm home." She shouted as loud as she could and then sniffed the air. "Did you already start dinner? Smells good, what are you making?" She asked as she walked toward the kitchen.
Her smile instantly dropped when she walked into their kitchen. There she was, his first sitting in their kitchen at their dinner table.
"Oh Korra, you're home early." He said as he turned toward her and scratched the back of his head.
"What's going on?" She asked with a worried and confused tone.
He looked at his first with a worried expression.
"I guess it's now or never Asami." He sighed. "Uh, well Korra, you see " He tried to say what he wanted to say, but he couldn't get his
Someone else can have it.
"Hi, I'm calling to remind you about your appointment this week.
Canceled? Would you like to reschedule?"
Email notification: Your baby this week.
Your baby is double in size from last week. Hands and feet are
emerging, but they appear to be more like paddles then the pudgy
extremities you are dreaming of holding and tickl
It happened yesterday.
But suddenly yesterday is a week ago...
Today I'm feeling better.
The laundry got done today.
Calendar notification: "Appointment in an hour with OB"
Your husband came up to you and wrapped his brawny arms around your stomach, smooching your cheeks. He looked down at the little stick you were holding as you shook.
“Hun?” he asked.
Negative. Nothing positive. You both were newlyweds and had planned to have some little ones running around you but sadly something was clearly wrong.
“Reiner,” you whimpered. “I’m so sorry.”
Dropping the pregnancy tester you fell to your knees but Reiner’s grip refused to let you fall into your misery.
“No,” he held you up. “Don’
No matter how cold the tool pressing on her stomach was, she couldn't help but flood her mind with the emotion.
She listened to her doctor talk medical gibberish to her, but didn't listen enough to understand. She would glance at the black and white screen every now and then, but she really didn't care about what was going on.
There was then a knock at the door.
"Come in." Her doctor said as he unglued his eyes off the black and white screen and to the brown door.
She turned her head toward the door and saw her Earthbending brother-in-law walk in, with his usual goofy smile on his face.
"Hey Korra, Korra's doctor. Sorry about taking so long, I was in the middle of moving when I had to come here." Her brother-in-law said as he scratched the back of his head.
She let out a sigh. "Better you than Mako, Bolin." She said as she rested her head back on the leathered seat she was sitting in.
"Korra are you two fighting again? I swear you and Mako fight more than an old married c
for I loved him.
At the start of the year
I was proud of myself
This year, i said, I'd be better.
I was passing then,
and then it ended.
I had fallen from the grace
that the summer sun had given
while the bitter winds of winter started
to take more and more of me.
I left, never went and that was
when they said finally,
"learn or leave."
So, this is when he comes in
His eyes, his face, his love.
Where most saw a joker,
I saw hope.
He helped me.
He saved me.
Forgive me, my dear
for I loved him.
oh, my dear, how I needed him around,
like a physical craving within my soul.
I needed him.
then the wish became my command
and he fell to his knees in service.
Try to make the memories last
Not one soul but lost were two
Faded images lost in the past
Remember that unborn face
Left you alone without a trace
Nothing she could dream to do
See your whole world fade away
Yesterday is a shattered memory
Far away from where your eyes can see
Someone's gone but you'll never know who
Remember what they couldn't be
We're powerless against the ravages
Sunken ships in the savage sea of time
Nobody tried to explain all this
Why did our god abandon us far before their time
She smashes the window with an angry fist
Depression sets in and she sets out to end it
No way to go back into a shattered past
But no way forward where she can last
Faded images should just stay in the past
Her mother's love wasn't good enough (or so she says)
And she's tried to forget, tried to fall in love (lost in her ways)
She's ignored all the pain and put on a smile (fake happiness fades
Hearts beating in unison...
Safe walls surrounding...
Sounds of tears ringing...
My head pressed against your chest...
Your legs tangled in my own...
I listened to your heart beat...
You listened to my thoughts...
You comforted me with telepathic words
Keeping me close to your slowly chilling body
I tried to spread to you my warmth...
But none you would take...
Then some days later you froze
I held your body close
Wishing for a response...
If I were able to cry it would have never stopped
I held on to the memories we had shared that short time
They were my sacred treasure...
Like a sea of diamonds in my mind...
Another some days later...
After screaming rang for hours in my ears...
Your body was gone
And so were you...
Five and a half months later...
I broke the sack
The umbilical cord tangled around my neck
My body went cold...
Hours passed until I came into a new world
My purple turned body grabbed
A bag put over my head pumping air into my lun
Curled up into a ball,
Crying, snobbing, tearing.
It was gone,
Gone, vanished, it had died.
I cried harder,
Placing my hands on my empty stomach.
My only son came in.
He was two, so small, so young.
Ice blue eyes, his fathers face,
Tiny hands touched my arm.
Mummy not cry, me find Bo.
He said holding his light grey toy dog.
I picked him up and hugged him.
Hugged him for his innocence,
Hugged him for his concern,
Hugged him because I loved him.
But the tears did not stop.
Mummy? James questioned me again.
He held Bo out to me. See here is Bo. He said smiling,
But he frowned at my tears.
I gave him a small smile.
Good job James.
I cuddled him, placing him on my stomach, my empty stomach.
I would not let him go even when he asked me too.
I hang on to him desperately and cried.
I did not hear the door open.
I did not hear him come inside.
I held James loosely.
He escaped out of my arms and went
because a child
who could have flown on its own
would have done so
human-named or not
and while we knew
you'd found your wings
we weren't sure
you'd know what to do with them
and we named you Sparrow
because of your size in early sunrise
and after the unseen beauty
the non-descript grey and browns
of everyday hope
in everyday people
surviving the light of a sky that gives
and the crushing dark when it takes back
this is everything
and exactly why
we named you Sparrow
That's all he could do.
Hearing her screams of pain in the other room made him a nervous wreck. He wanted to run in and help ease her pains, but the doctor told him not to because there was no time to prep him. He kept pacing back and forth in front of the double doors her screams were hidden behind, every scream making him worry more and fear for her safety.
He decided to sit down and hide his worried face in his hands. Her screams kept ringing in his ear and showered his heart in pain. He hated to know so was in pain; just knowing that she was hurt or in some kind of pain made him worry for her safety more than anything. The memories of her being hurt and abused during the revolution haunted his mind.
His mind was full of anger at the memories of everyone who hurt her in the past. He could feel his hands heat up as he slid them through his hair. He wanted to burn something, mostly burn the people that angered his mind. But, he knew he couldn't. He was in a hospital and
I have three siblings; one older sister, one younger sister and one younger brother.
My parents loved me very much.
They were devastated when I died, two months old in my mommy's body.
I don't know how or why, but I left my earth-family long before I wanted to.
I miss them very much.
They miss me, too.
I don't know what life could have held in store for me.
I could have stopped my two sisters from fighting all the time.
I could have given my baby brother a shoulder to cry on when he sat in his room, emotionally beaten by my sisters.
I could have given my mommy and daddy another reason to stay together.
I could have made a macaroni craft on Mother's Day for my mommy.
I could have made a paper tie on Father's Day for my daddy.
I could have conquered the world of video games with my siblings.
I could have given my family bedtime kisses every night.
I could have been an artist, like my sisters.
I could have been a singer, like my daddy.
Yesterday you failed an English test
Wrote a poem in Spanish
And decided to love your baby
Today you skipped gym class
Forgot your locker combination
And had a miscarriage
While your hands were covered in
Bright red blood
Your best friend dumped her boyfriend
And you sister laughed at a joke
You screamed, but no
One was close enough to hear
your science teacher counted you absent
the girl who sits behind you admired your bag
There was a moment of muddled thought
Where you wondered if the blood was
Yours own or
Now theres a stain on your skinny jeans
You left your creative writing homework
In the car
Your body has been scraped out
Suddenly, your empty
Just when you decided to let
It fill your space
Today was your misfortune in a bathroom stall
Between second and third period
Yesterday you decided to love your baby
Today youll decide nothing at all
It seems like yesterday
That dreadful news I heard
This little voice I knew would not
Make it to see the world.
Though we could not see you
Your presence was nonetheless felt
I was thrilled the day I heard the news
That you were coming
She stood silently, leaning against the frame of the open double doors, with her arms folded tightly across her chest. A light rain was falling, but she didn't care if she got wet or if the water got inside. A gentle breeze was blowing, as if enveloping her comfortingly in its winds. It was a gloomy day, and it much reflected how she was feeling.
Her (e/c) eyes were empty, and the bright smile that usually lit up her face had not been in place for the past week.
With a soft sigh, she let her eyelids fall closed as her tears mixed in with the rain falling on her cheeks. She didn't feel like doing anything... she felt empty, like her life held no meaning anymore, like all hope that had been inside of her had been ripped away from her, never to be seen again.
When it comes down to it, though, that's exactly what happened.
"Lass," She heard him speak softly behind her. She doesn't look up. She doesn't have the courage to. She knows she'll only cry har
She never met her parents, too young to raise a child, but willing to try it anyway. She never met her siblings, some of whom wouldn't have existed without her death. She never met her aunts, who barely had heard of her existence by the time of her death. She never met her uncle, who would have changed his mind. She never met her grandfather, who might not have died.
She never made friends, not with Simon or with Hank. Not with Gabriella, nor with Rob.
She never learned to play with blocks, she never learned to read. She never wrote the story, and someone else took her place. The roles she might have played were given out to someone else. Everything she might have wrote, was penned by someone else.
She never got her part to pla
I grab my camera and I push past the fat, smiling, perfumed people and through the double doors. The sun is half-sunk behind the skyline and I take a gasp of breath as I fall against the stucco. Livy. Livy. Livy.
The last time I saw you, you were half-awake. Lying in bed, wearing
Down my legs
As I hurry to the bathroom,
Sinking into the white seat
To wipe the juice from
Between my thighs.
I wipe away what remains
Of the unborn child.
They would've been long fingered hands.
You ask me why I can't sleep at night?
Why my eyes are open and searching,
Searching but not seeing what I am finding.
I say: because I feel her between us.
Like you feel muscles and liquid between your skin and bones.
I say because I feel empty,
Because completion escaped me in this bed.
It would've been tanned skin,
In the summer.
You ask me why am I always cold?
Why I pile blankets on top of me and still shiver.
Am I sick?
I am not sick.
You could never understand.
That you cannot stop a chill that comes from the ice,
Your heart pumps through your veins:
I am cold because of the memories.
Cold because I will never be warm like I was before,
Before that night in this bed.
You ask me why I sleep with a shirt balled up under my night gown.
Does it give the illusion that I am not hollow?
That my stomach is rounded instead of flat?
That my uterus does not rest insi
In my body Or in my soul
I don't know
Is more then one soul can bare
A baby not even there
Gone from me
The body kills what it won't accept
But how can I not accept a child?
How can my body and soul be so different?
Goodbye my Baby...