or at the very least see them as
secondary to your own.
Ignore your child’s tears;
tell them to buck up.
tell them if they don’t stop crying
you’ll give them something to cry about.
That outta teach ’em.
Weigh them down with adult demands.
Expect them to cook dinner
at nine years old
because you’ll be home late.
Force them to grow up too fast,
or don’t allow them to grow up at all
because in a child’s dependent role
is where you can control them.
Don’t be consistent,
Change your values like you change your sex partners.
Swear off drinking one day only to get a DUI the next.
And when you discipline
do so arbitrarily and explosively;
base it on your feelings rather than your child’s actions.
When they spill their drink on the floor
and look to you for a reaction,
don’t tell them, “It’s alright, honey, it was just an accident.”
Yell at th
i loved to steal.
i would go around my neighborhood
and steal lawn ornaments.
at daycare, i would steal money
once, i stole my next door neighbor’s
when my parents confronted me,
the lie was smooth and solid:
i saw so-and-so take it.
when i was a child:
i loved to lie.
i would make up stories
to get reactions out of people.
to see if they’d believe me.
once, i convinced my friend charlotte
that i had twenty-four hours to live.
when she burst into tears,
i had to bite my tongue
to keep from laughing.
when i was a child:
i loved animals.
i would lock my dog in the closet
and in the bathroom.
a lot of my neighbors left birdcages out
during the day
so i set all of the birds free.
once, i imagined what it would be like
to kill an animal.
then, i imagined what it would be like
to run over it repeatedly
with a car
so i did it with my scooter
to a rose i found
because it was red
when i was a
my mother told me,
if she had known,
she would have never had children.
it scares me to think that,
one day i could hear a small voice saying,
“mommy, i don’t feel right.”
“you don’t look sick,”
they say, noticing that i’m not dragging around
an i.v. stand.
noticing that my sweatshirt is black
and not a white hospital gown
swinging around marbled, knocking knees.
“but i’m still unwell,” i say
in a voice that doesn’t shake
and they just look disappointed,
like i don’t fit.
like i’m the skewed painting
on the fucked-up-person wall.
“but,” they say, “don’t bipolar people
usually kill themselves?”
“but i tried,” i say
with my wrists unmarked
and they just shake their heads
almost as if to say
not hard enough.
“poor girl,” they say, looking right at me,
sitting next to my dad as he laughs too loud.
Not another calorie shall pass my lips
The trace of bones is beautiful
When I can see my ribs and hips
To rid myself of hate
And all these jumbled feelings
That keep my mind awake
Want to go to sleep forever
Stop this beating of my heart
Forget all these thoughts and memories
Still tearing me apart
Doctors try to help me
Therapists don't really care
People in the street look at me
With their long icy glares
I had a love once
Abandoned me without a trace
But it's ok, really
It's not like I deserved his grace
Want to escape it all
But there's no where to run
I cannot run away from my head
My heart has become so numb
So, you want to know how I feel?
Read this poem with sharpened eyes
Now, you'll see that when I said I'm fine
It was really just a....lie
the truth is you’re
going to wake up empty
and people will ask,
(People always ask like it’s their goddamn business,
and you’re going to try
to pretend that nothing has changed,
you’re the same girl you were
yesterday, you promise,
and you’re trying
to smile, and they’re
trying to smile too,
but you’re not convincing
anyone of anything.
you are six shades of sadness
on a too cold, too big seat,
a shrunken apostrophe and
paroxysmal, the balls of your feet
strumming the hours gone
("i want to go home,
please, please, i just
want to go home").
it is your relief and your regret
that she knows you so well.
It is she who brings forth a doctor
then, when you are past talking-down, done,
wrung out and horse-footed in your need
("let me go home, please,
please, i just
need to go home")
softly accented words spoken off to the side:
"Yes. Let's keep her voluntary now,
it will be quicker: but if her wings sprout
and itchy feet sample corridors,
we'll make it an order."
("if you go home,
the police will return you,
please stay a little longer")
you are seven hours of waiting,
free to leave until you try and
another doctor says
"I can't get a read
on her lethality and
there are no beds".
("let's go, please, i want
to go home, and they
don't want me here")
she is concern coated in fury,
a righteous expletive
Ill be compelled to assure you that Im fine,
Both by societys expectations and my own inability to open up.
In truth, I long to let you in, to somehow ease this pain, that overwhelms me to the point of sheer agony.
But where would that get either of us anyway?
Theres nothing you could ever do or say.
Theres no cure for this paradoxical, inescapable torment,
No matter how positive you say I must be.
I grasp for whatever remedy or opium this world offers,
Whether it be a shopping spree round my favourite stores
Or an invitation into your bedroom.
But nothing will ever be good enough,
This endless dark hole is an insatiable monster
And time is its one worthy opponent.
All it takes is time for these thoughts and feelings to fade.
But what about now?
What am I to do with myself whilst every path that opens up to me is suddenly blocked by the fear and negativity of my mind?
Theres nothing I ca
it's a birth defect,
that when they dragged
me from my mother's womb
they broke me,
that my mother left the hospital
with a cheque in hand to compensate for
"the accident," of course.
Sometimes I tell them
that they said,
but it'll hurt her."
Because I live and
it hurts me and I don't know
how else to say
"I'm sad all the time
and I can't get out of bed some
days and I've considered that
not living might be
beneficial to my survival,"
and as they try to work
that out I'll be heading for the door
with my head down and
my dignity scraping along on
And hard as I try
I cannot seem to reach her
There is wall of glass between us
That I feel
Has always been there
So I watch her
Liked a sad, silent movie
Adding lines from the depths of my own memory
Dying a little more each time
I try to reach her
I can see her pain
But I cannot hold it in my hands
And she forever remains
As a long forgotten dream
Sweet... and distant..
demystified from between the ankles, and mothered
in a ritual plot, (still disentangling out of old supplications.)
I guess it's possible that I've no true colour, no hue essential,
and that I've turned to mirror transparencies,
waiting like a guilty prayer for the world to define my golem;
(I had hoped for a pilaster, a nuclear suit to match your aproning).
How do you draw my obsessor from your water glass? Did you file for abuse
or a pedestal? (A glimpse of my father's beard was like this personal Atlas,
the knight in search of famine, quick to martyr, proffering stability like the
drug of Christ, so I know I can go on unchanging for years, answering in rote
and fossilizing gestures.) Are you a bride for the vulnerable? I am an infantile
lobotomist, all I need is a scalpel and a cue! And so, just who is this embellisher
that limns my sadist from blind, atomic lead?
Whatever is out there, needing co
take the pills and eat them
why would i do that
indifferent, at the very least
content, if you want to call it that
eat them, swallow swallow down
anxiety worry anxiety worry
i don't look the way i used to
and i want to know
anxiety anxiety don't eat don't
crybaby disgusting stupid
i'm hiding in the bathroom
there is an ocean behind my eyes
the lifeguards warn
for the rising tides
stop crying, keep crying
kill yourself kill yourself kill
i wish i had swallowed them
at 11:02, i wish i wasn't so
yourself kill yourself kill yourself
i am so tired and so alone
i am surrounded by people
and when they smile at me
i automatically assume it's not
real, nothing is real, not me
why do i have these trust issues
sighs of relief, it's over
i have friends, even if it's just
three, even if
made of heroes and villains,
I wait to be saved.
My life has been.
You can beat me, abuse me, rape me, and drug me,
But I will always be me,
Or maybe it's the other me.
There are two,
Well now maybe three.
The difference is clear.
If I had to name them,
It would be Rain, Mom, and Andrea.
Rain is me, the real me, born on the 18th of September
In that clean pristine hospital,
With its white walls and florescent lights.
Brought into the world,
To be sexually abused by the man I called dad
To be forgotten and forsaken by the woman I called mom
To be beaten by my mothers third husband
To be an adult at the age of five
To be beaten and raped by the first boy I loved
To be beaten by mistakes that I once called boyfriends
To fall in love with a man who cheats
And be content with the small little world I am given.
I'm the one who will say
I'll fake I'm happy, if you'll quit asking me what's wrong
Andrea showed up about the age of 8
When the world became to much for me.
She's strong, the strongest person aroun
I am not a pile of bones,
worn grey and yellowed
with the stains of this disease--
is a better plan than
an uncertaintity of pills;
(I won't even begin
to berate you for judging-
you'll get yours one day
when perhaps you'll learn
a label is a tool
instead of a weapon);
was never meant to mean
Sincerely, your patient
That is I.
Numb, empty, void.
Or at least I think I am...
So many questions.
Only one answer:
"I don't know".
How I feel,
What I think,
Why I'm like this;
I don't know.
Who I am;
I don't know.
Not an answer,
But a release, a feeling?
Pain...or no pain.
One less problem to solve.
Allow me to twist your thoughts,
Believe in every word I say,
Although you may feel distraught.
I am your worst enemy,
I am also your best friend,
Despite any hurdles we face,
I will stick with you until the end.
I shall embrace you in the dark,
I’ll hold you late at night,
Even through the good days,
I will squeeze you tight.
Cry, scream and attempt to run,
I’ll never leave your side,
I will cost you those you love,
Until all you want is to hide.
Then when it is just you and me,
I will make you want to die,
You’ll believe that you are too weak,
So all you can do is cry.
Why can’t I just leave you be?
Well what a silly question!
I live within your broken parts,
I am you dearest friend, depression.
© Sammy Payne 2016 All rights reserved.
All materials contained are not to be used/ reproduced/ copied/ edited/ published/ transmitted/ borrowed/ duplicated/ printed/ downloaded/ uploaded in any way without my express written permissi
who resides in the place
between my skin and bone.
No one can see Him
moving through me,
or the battle we face.
Doctors call Him Borderline
People call Him crazy
I call Him monster
When I speak with Him at night
He is like gasoline to flame;
a daredevil, thrill seeking beast,
who feels everything in extremes.
Continuing to drag me down.
Love; Hate; Love; Hate; Love.
Secure; Insecure; Secure; Insecure; Secure.
Hero; Villain; Hero; Villain; Hero.
Empathy; Empathy; Empathy; Empathy.
I hate you;
Don't leave me.
If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;
I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;
I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;
I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;
Other people are evil and abuse you;
If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;
If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;
If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;
If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;
I will always be alone;
I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;
There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;
I don't really know what I want;
I will never get what I want;
Held together by unstable tape,
She smiles when out in public,
But at home falls out of shape.
She disconnects from those who care,
Then remains firmly distant,
She fears they only cause her pain,
An will hurt her in an instant.
Her father never wanted her,
Her mother is self absorbed,
So she has always walked alone,
Longing to be adored.
Her friends can never understand,
How she become to be so shattered,
They never have the patience,
To find the pieces that have scattered.
When she yearns to be embraced,
She claws, scratches and screams,
Everyone sprints the other way,
As they are afraid of the extreme.
So do you truly believe,
That being mentally ill is in fashion?
As you are speaking of a world,
That is much darker than you imagine.
© Sammy Payne 2016
she said, as her fingers
traced the civil war grounds
of my shoulders.
“And you’re still here,”
she continued, as her eyes
filled with understanding.
“I don’t see how that makes you crazy,”
with a smile
on her ruby lips.
“I love you,”
was all I could reply,
unsure of this tenderness
concerning my scar covered skin.
“Just don’t cut yourself anymore?”
she asked, right before her mouth met mine.
"I wish you saw what I see in you.”
penumbra of night sweats; salt, silk sickness
staining wallpaper red.
I eat ghosts and vanish through the walls
treading an epitaph rewritten
recalling and mourning, wishing the past backward.
Scatter flower petals to rigor mortis feet
grip the thorns in my palm
watch scarlet spots damn me to hell.
I inhale fireflies and glow worms
fluoresce and glow in the dark.
to my belly - a flickering candle
ebbing and flowing phantom light;
altar to loneliness.
invisible spectator to my internal world.
I eat spiderwebs and
wrap the sticky bone threads; pale spirit stitches
skeletal poltergeist fingers
to sew body back to mind and
keep it from floating away - a parachute.
If my soul wants to leave my body,
why does it keep coming back?
ghoul shrouded neath the pretence of human.
Wraith inflicting a slow degradation
before the ghostly congress of silent judges - conscience jury
do you change it every day,
like underwear or socks, or is it
like your favourite jumper, worn for
days and days until you realise
there's coffee on the sleeve and
old lovers in the pocket and you
really should get rid of that
lie you told your parents?
Or is it like my skin,
left hanging in the wardrobe
day by day because I can't get
out of bed and I can't step into
the person I am because I hate
myself so much it's like smiling
for photos with people you
hate and I'm so sick of my skin,
how do you like yours?
Hurting and in despair,
Stay away or get accosted,
I’m damaged beyond repair.
I don’t need your kindness,
For I am undeserving,
Your innocence and blindness,
Is truly quite unnerving.
I am your worst nightmare,
I shall bring you to your knees,
Clawing at your nightwear,
Screaming desperate pleas.
Sleep is for the weak,
Happiness is just a myth,
Reality is really bleak,
Join me in abyss.
I know that you’re tempted,
But you know that it’s a sin,
To let your soul be rented,
It’s so easy to give in.
©Sammy Payne 2016
All rights reserved. All materials contained are not to be used/ reproduced/ copied/ edited/ published/ transmitted/ borrowed/ duplicated/ printed/ downloaded/ uploaded in any way without my express written permission. Feel free to contact me if you wish to use my work.
Still the darkness stalks,
Creeping along the walls,
Everywhere she walks.
Flooding her body,
Panic takes possession,
She has no choice,
But to allow it’s transgression.
Clasping her mind,
Trapping her existence,
Rendering her blind,
With its demonic persistence.
Cry as she might,
They show no remorse,
Plunged into torture,
By their powerful force.
The pain shreds her sanity,
Frozen in stance,
They sneer more profanity.
Please don’t feel sorry,
This is all she has known,
They have tormented her since birth,
Never leaving her alone.
© Sammy Payne 2016
Though not more than I am with you
I want you to hold me close
But only push you away
You don't need to love me
When we can't be together
I want you to be happy
To move on with your life
But knowing you're with her
Just drives me insane
I want you to stop hurting
But love knowing you're in pain
I can't be satisfied
Unless you're suffering like me
I'm not worth it…
I've succeeded, endured
Overcome all the odds
Still I feel worthless
Like I've struggled for nothing
I deserve to suffer
To be hated, not loved
Why won't you hate me?
It seems so much easier
I'm beautiful and desirable
No one could want me
They treat me like shit
Now it's my turn
I want to be alone
To make myself stronger
Prove that I don't need anyone
No one beside me
But I do…
Someone to love me
Someone to be there
Someone to hold me
Someone to care
Everything I've ever wanted
…but I don't…
I want to belong to you
Please hate me
Because I love you
is like being hooked by a fishing line.
We reel you in only to toss
you back when you’re not
big or colorful enough.
Then you’re left to swim away,
dazed and in agony from the hole
we’ve torn into you, wondering
why we pulled so hard
if all we were going to do
was scrutinize your every flaw.
You’re even more confused
when we seem to relapse
and throw the line back,
hook baited, dangling before you
like a forbidden fruit
as if to say, “I didn’t mean it.
Please come back.”
And you can’t help but bite again
because the allure is too great
though you know, deep down,
that you’re just ripping yourself
another hole. And when you’re
cast out into the waters again
for being a less than perfect catch
you’ll come right back
—hope winning over logic—
and the cycle will continue.
And you don't know where to go;
You feel lost, alone, confused.
You stumble and fall,
Wondering if you should pick yourself up again.
Those times are dark,
But there is a glimpse of light far away.
Reaching for it, grasping,
It's all that you need
In this world of gray's.
Sometimes life will kick you around,
And you don't want to go on;
Remember that there is a light,
To guide you onward and on.
Lift, grab the foot, toss, catch
jump, back handspring, pause, back handspring
tell me why I'm standing here
as my legs begin to shake
They won't stop
Please move legs, you have to move legs
Stand still, the quaking returns
STOP IT LEGS PLEASE...
I can't remember what is next
I forget the jump, crap.. throw Chloe just throw it
my body is shaking, I can't breathe
I can't feel anything...
Wait, I can feel
I feel like I'm melting
The whole world is melting
And I'm melting with it...
it won't stop...
the pounding won't stop...
STOP. Breathe Chloe Breathe. No not again, STOP.