I swear, I'm probably going to get roasted alive for this one by the PETA crowd, but anyways here we are- this is what's been sitting in my backbrain for the last week or so, so I figured I should at least do it and get it out of my system.

And scarily enough, this is indeed pretty close to the actual recipe I use when making fried chicken.

And, just so you all can read the actual text without giving yourself eyestrain to see at lower resolution, or blowing up your monitors to get the high-res to download, here it is:

<i>The chicken is a mortal enemy to humanity. Given their expansive numbers, their natural weaponry of beak and talon, their cunning camouflage as mere dumb clucking farm animals, they pose a significant threat to our position at the top of the food chain. Therefore, steps must be taken.

The enemy must be defeated.

Here is your battle plan.


1 Acquire chickens. If your chickens are still alive, do what is needful*. Do not shed a tear of remorse for their little beaky souls, they'd do the same to us in a minute had they the tools and knowledge.

2. Prepare your arsenal. No general goes into combat unarmed, and neither should you. assemble panko, flour, paprika, cayenne pepper, garlic salt, powdered ginger, black pepper, and oregano in a large quantity suitable for crushing into soft chickeny flesh. Begin heating up a good sized pot of oil as well.**

3. Now comes the important part. Separate your chicken into manageable pieces. Properly chunking your chicken is crucial to the frying and eating processes. Real men use their bare hands to do this. Either way, the chicken must be chunked. ***

4. Next, break eggs. Swirl them into a foaming mass of yellowed hatred, and then drown your chunked chicken in them.

5. And now, we begin. Take the chicken from the eggs, and crush the mix of spices and panko into it until you have hidden every last trace of flesh from sight. Crush them further, until they are tender and thickly coated. ****

6. Then, boil them alive in your ready pot of heated oils. Imagine that you can hear their pitiful screams as they beg you for mercy from the heat they now roast in. Enjoy that sound.

7. Once they have darkened to a deep golden-brown, remove them from the oil. Serve your defeated enemy up to the entire family.


*Yes, we mean kill the chicken. This is war we're talking about here, if you can't stand the thought of hurting a vicious and cruel avian in order to provide rich and fulfilling nourishment, not to mention foiling the Great Chicken Threat, then you have no place in this army, and will find yourself up against the wall when the revolution comes.

**What, you think we use things like measurements? No. Do it right, and do it to taste. Never follow a strict regimen where improvisation will do. This way, the chickens can never be too sure of our cunning plans.

***Laugh not at chunking the chicken. Chunking the chicken is a crucial part of this campaign. Chunk your chicken with vigor, style and alacrity. Chunk it with the brutal grace and agility of a herd of rampaging hippos. Chunk it in the dark, with a large box of tissues close to hand- we don't care how it gets done, so long as it gets done.

**** I forget what **** was for. </i>

All work done in Photoshop CS3. All images and textures used came from public domain sources.