Clients From HellI had done some editing work for a relatively small company when the owner called me in about my pay. After a somewhat heated discussion, this is how it ended.More Like This
Client: Oh come on, we’re a pretty well-known business. Instead of [paying you the full amount] I can give you some exposure! You people are always looking for more exposure, aren’t you?
Me: With all due respect, sir, I would much prefer you just give me my pay and leave it at that. I have all the exposure I need right now short of being naked. Not to mention that this was a relatively small job for me.
Client: But it was a 5000 word document!
Me: I normally edit documents in excess of 20 pages. And I normally expect more than what you’re paying me.
Client: Fuck you! I’ll sue you for being a prick!
Me: You never actually read my contract before you signed it, did you?
Me: See you in court, have fun paying for my lawyer.
Two weeks later the company’s lawyer called about settling out of
Seasonal QuotesOnce again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.More Like This
~ Dave Barry
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
~ George Carlin
Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.
~ Samantha Bee
Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
~ George Carlin
Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.
~ Tom Sims
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a diff
First World ProblemsI just had to manually flush a toilet in a public bathroom like a barbarian.More Like This
I made a meal for my girlfriend, but the new dishwasher isn't here yet, so I have to wash dishes by hand like some kind of savage.
The goat cheese on my caviar sandwich is not as creamy and smooth as I prefer.
My thermostat is updating so my hands are cold so I'm sitting on them but then I can't use my computer and now my feet are cold but all my socks are in the dryer and now I'm having a crisis because I can't drink my coffee and I need my coffee.
The donut I just ate was so good I'm scared it ruined other donuts for me.
I got both pickles in the first bite of my Quarter Pounder. Now the rest of the burger is pointless.
I gained enough weight on my trip to Europe that my smart scale thinks I'm a guest user.
My chapstick fell down the back of my bed, so now I can't kiss my girlfriend as our lips are too dry and neither of us can be bothered to reach down and get the chapstick.
I'm hungry, but my fridge is ful
Overheard EverywhereProfessor, in regards to nationalism in film: Now what makes a film “British”?More Like This
Valedictorian: They all speak British?
University of Texas
Woman: You should never kill people, especially if you’re poor!
Pol-sci professor: Nuking other countries is kind of rude.
University of Memphis
First grade boy: I had two girlfriends but I lost one.
First grade girl: Didn't one of them kiss you?
First grade boy: Yeah, Hannah told Alexis to kiss whoever she liked more, and it was me and this other girl, and she was going to kiss her, but then she kissed me and we've been together for, like, forever.
First grade girl: Yeah.
Blonde to friend: You know that guy I was going out with? He told me he was going out with me because he liked blondes, and I thought, ‘I’m not a blonde,’ but then I remembered I was… But that’s not a good enough reason to go out with me.