Today, we're going to show you how to write The Greatest Thing to ever happen evar.
Yaoi. Since it's a known fact that all female characters are vastly inferior to the male ones, none of them are suitable to be shipped with a male character. In fact, they can all go lez in a corner. No. This is going to be about yaoi. The greatest thing to evar happen evar of all time. Because we could never let a woman soil the true and pure love between a man and another man. And nothing is more sacred than that.
1. Tops and Bottoms As a rule, all yaoi couples must have a certified top and bottom (or uke and seme for you Japan types). NO EXCEPTIONZ1111!! You're either top. Or bottom. Period. The end. No exceptions. That's how all relationships work. And if you're relationship isn't like that, then there's probably something wrong with you. Or you're a woman. Then there's definitely something wrong with you.
2. Appearance The males involved in said yaoi-ing must always be slightly feminine-looking. Again, no exceptions. It is highly advised to never have either character (no, not even the top) possess either big muscles, chins, arms, or dicks. It's just so much hotter that way. Also, no body hair. That's just gross. Just like big bulging muscles. Nobody wants to see that.
Their bodies must always be smooth and free of any blemishes. Like, insanely smooth. Like they use some kind of lotion every night or something. Because men putting on lotion is hot. Don't judge me.
Another big thing. At least one male, usually the bottom, must always look more feminine than his top counterpart. Always. In fact, the more feminine the bottom looks, the hotter the yaoi will be, trufax. It's a good idea for his eyes to be big and shiny and create this overall innocent effect. In fact, making him look younger really helps this. Like insanely young. Think between the ages of like 6 and 14. Maybe 15 at the latest. Even if he's chronologically older, like, say, 17 or 20, don't let it show. You want to try your best to preserve that eternal boyish youth and purity to an ungodly degree. It makes the work far more enchanting and believable. Facial hair is also a major no-no.
If you want to spice it up a little, put him in drag. That's always a magically adventure. It makes sense if you think about it. A guy that looks like either a little boy screwing another guy that looks just like a girl. Because one can't simply watch straight guy-on-girl action instead. No sir. Women are poison, remember?
In a perfect world, they would cease to exist and all be replaced by guys in drag. That's what makes yaoi so beautiful. It invites us into a world that discards all those silly imperfections of the real world and allows us to see things that should happen but don't. A world where boys are always young and beautiful and where a child-like young man in a dress is socially acceptable.
3. Black Characters Don't Exist in Yaoi Self explanatory.
4. All Asian and Caucasian Characters Look the Same Also self explanatory.
5. Personality Another popular choice is having the bottom always seem like shy, submissive, and afraid. He's usually younger than the top and far less experience in.....pretty much everything in life. Maybe have him start out as "teh new gai at skool" and the top, who's usually some kind of jock or pretty much totally experience in pretty much everything that evar was evar somehow manage to show him the ropes. Also have the younger guy possess some "sekret beauteh" that manages to entrance everyone around him, especially the older jock guy. Maybe he's from a foreign country, maybe, say, France or Japan or mars or wherever and that adds to his "mysterious innocent beauty." It's important to never explain this. Evar. It's not mary-suish in any way because only GIRLZ are mary-sues and they don't exist in yaoi world.
6. No Fat Guys Need one say more?
7. Sexy Tiemz Lube is a myth. Period. THE END. Gay males nevar evar use lube during sex tiemz. Especially not in yaoi. In fact, the more pain there is, the better. IT'S MOAR REALISTIC11!11. Sometimes they can use saliva or, for you more kinky types, even blood, but no lube, evar.
Also, this can always be brought up in "appearances" but the smaller the uke's mouth, the bettar. Because, as a universal rule smaller = tighter. And because females don't exist, THIS IS REAL GOOD IN SO MANY WAYS. Also, their first sexual encounter always involves rape. Alwayz. Maybe the seme just gets tired of the uke being a total cocktease by walking around with his big, heavily-lashed eyes and girlish drag or mebbe the seme realizes that surprise sex is the best way to demonstrate his newfound and incredibly powerful love. Also, we don't say rape. "Rape" does not exist in yaoi vocabulary. Rape is what happens to chicks. These aren't chicks. duh. It's real love and you need to seriously erase that word from your vocab if you want to utterly eradicate any social, emotional or mental hesitations</i> UH, achieve an incredibly intimate and deep love scene about two young men who fall in love for the first time.
INSTEAD, use words like:
-or, MY FAVORITE, surprise sex</b>
But don't use rape. Just think of it as the "other" bad four-letter word.
After the act, the seme, FOR SOME REASON, feels like what he did was "wrong" and attempts to apologize for what happened. Yet, despite the copious amounts of anal bleeding apprehension and humiliation at the hands of an almost-stranger STRANGE FEELINGS the uke has, he still manages to stay by the seme's side the rest of the way. Because that's what true love is about. After rape making love for the first time females go running off to their parents or the police like the weaklings they are. REAL MEN don't do that. They either secretly like itor keep their mouths shut. And since womenz don't exist in the yaoi world....well, there ya go, NEITHER DOES RAPE.
So here are a few tips to help you write the greatest love story of all time. Fuck Romeo and Juliet. Romeo was a pussy. Real men screw other men. Also, Twilight ain't got shit on this. Seriously, a slightly feminine make-up wearing male hitting on a pasty-faced teenage girl? Talk about DOIN' IT WRONG. Pride and Prejudice? FOOK DAT. Mr. Darcy was clearly a repressed homo with his eyes on Wickham. Obviously.
Nothing with a woman could EVAR be superior or GOOD!
That's why those stories suck. All those dudes are with chicks. and when chicks are involved, things are bound to get screwed up. If any of those "main" chicks were replaced by a dude, I gurantee the stories would have been over a bajillion times bettar. Duh. Maybe if Bella and Juliet had penises, those books wouldn't have to be made into crappy movies with crappy sequels and crappy remakes every. ten. years.</b>
Let's face it, if something needs a remake every ten years, you've done something wrong.
Just stick with the guidelines, no chicks, fat asses, black people, or excess male body hair, and you'll be on your way to making not only the next greatest acclaimed love story that the world was waiting for, you'll also be indirectly writing the movie for it and invoking the wrath of thousands of angry conservatives everywhere.