so it's one thirty at night and i'm sitting here thinking about you. but what else is new right? ever since i met you thinking about someone else isn't exactly worth while.
but no, in all seriousness, i was thinking about you. and not in the way i normally do either, which is good for me. i'm always so sick and tired of thinking about the colours of your voice, and the sound of your eyelashes beating against your cheekbones. sick of thinking about the same way your charm is a river cascading over rocks and tired of thinking about how your smile is the current that keeps it flowing.
so instead i was thinking about all of the things i've noticed that i can't drown in.
like how the alcohol in your system can effect more than your words. or all the girls that fall for you left and right and how i would hate to be one of them so i try and stop myself in my own tracks before i wear a path into the grass.
and then i step into reality for about one second and i realize that it can't be over. n

write how i feel? okay, this is how i feel.
i miss you. you disappoint me over and over again, but i miss you. the way things are when i'm with you is just so fantastic i can't even explain what it does to me. i feel like the world is about to collapse when you're away and when you're here i can't gather the strength to breathe.
everytime my phone goes off i want it to be you. i have written letters in my head that i would love to say but i can't. i want you to text me or call me or drop by my house just to say all these words that i keep wishing you will. i want you to play me the song i told you to write for me and i want you to see me on the street or in askews and flip shit and drop what you're doing and come over to me and hold my face in your hands and kiss me like you did in the doorway before you said goodbye for the last time. i want your hand in mine and your head on my shoulder falling asleep in the back of my moms car and i want you to kiss me just below my ear and on my ne

so maybe you did break my heart and maybe you have no idea. so maybe i'm just a silly little girl who wants so much out of life all at once and maybe i'm just starving to live the life i'm pretty sure i could never have.
so maybe i'm just a silly girl with too many freckles and too many of those imperfections and maybe i think of too many ways to doubt myself. so maybe i think that we belong and maybe i just fall too hard every single time someone smiles at me.
i'll spend my nights wishing and my days shooting for a different shining star.

you're the recent lesson that i've learned and the tides that roll in over my painted toes
you're the song that has no ending that i wish to hear you play over and over again just so i know what the last note sounds like
but it's still unwritten.
you're the one thing i long to forget and the only thing i can remember
you are the breeze and i am the rain that billows inside.
you are my only broken dream.
the lightning cast shadows in your windowless eyes
and i can finally see where the light ends.
you bring me back to the words i've cried and to the place where i first told you i loved you.
i can feel your heart beat fasterfasterfaster and it makes me worry about all the things you've said to make me look past everything.
you are the thunder and i am the lightening.
i just hope you don't regret the storm.

one million one.
at this moment i am mentally retracing the steps back to your door. it's been thirty seconds, and i feel like it's been days. i never knew what it was like to miss somebody until this very moment. i want to go home to your arms, where i left my heart.
one million two.
right now i am in disbelief. i never thought i could want something as much as i want you. i took one too many steps and now i don't know what to do.
one million three.
at this point i am pulling out my hair and sinking my nails into the palms of my hand.
i'm not listening to you strangers anymore. i know what i want.
one million four.
it's three seconds past heartbreak and four hours past confusion. and suddenly, i don't know how anything started.
one million five.
i counted all the stars in the sky tonight. i named everyone after you, because you seem to be the brightest thing in my world lately.
it's a million and five moments past amazing, and i can't breathe.

it's snowing outside. white falls from the sky like something i have never seen before.
it's snowing. it's snowing.
it's snowing and i can't stop thinking about you. about you and how much you wanted winter to come because it meant your birthday and wearing that big poofy jacket and catching snowflakes on your tongue. it meant long car rides and turning nineteen and a whole year since i was introduced to the things that made my life so exciting.
it's december, and i miss you. i miss you like the clouds miss the rain and the sun and the wind, and the children lying in the grass on the top of the hill, making shapes with their eyes. i miss you like the days in january when i could walk down the street, run into his arms, and meet you in person for the first time. i miss you like i miss sneaking around behind my mother's back so i could have a real relationship and i miss you and the way you cut your hair and the way you laugh and the way you loved my sister.
i loved you. i still do. i fe

i'm just full of insecurities and i don't think i'm ready for you to be one of them.
i could tell you anything. i really could, i would be open to that. but it seems to be three am and you're not around so i find myself telling this blank sheet of paper instead. but if you were here right now, i would talk to you about my day, and my family and my life and how scared i am and maybe, just maybe
you would understand. and tell me it's okay. and keep me company through the night and tell me if you were here you would be holding my hand. maybe you would make everything okay, after dark. i'm alright with that, i'm alright with you, and i could be alright with us if maybe i could find the courage to tell you and if you could find the ears to listen or the eyes to read or the mind to pick up on all the clues i've been dropping like bread crumbs.
i'm not gretel, but you could be my hansel, if you wish.
i mean, i would let you. i would let you be my anything, really. you are just so pleasant - s

All I want is to be happy
That's all I'm asking for.
Every single time I close my eyes
at 11:11, every eyelash I've shed,
Every dandelion seed I scatter,
Every birthday wish, any chance I get.
I wish for the happiness to return.
I want it to come back and stay,
Because right now I get it for 30 minutes
Tops, at a time. I can't live like this.
I hate how it deteriorates and shatters
I break down and feel the tears rim my eyes.
You're saying "Goodnight, love and thanks for a
Wonderful date. You were really happy tonight.
It's different and I loved it."
A little piece shatters because,
I was going to tell you how sad I am now.
I can't control it, my face falls
Now you think you did something wrong.
But I must stay silent and rush you out the door
Because I don't want to ruin today.
But you refuse to go till I'm honest.
I can't be love, we we're doing so good.
You drag me to the couch and demand to know
I crumble into your arms and the tears fall.
     

When I'm alone at night
Curled under my blankets
It's the warmth I miss the most
And the calming presence,
The slight disruption in my flat mattress
Steady rise and fall of his breathing
If I hold my breath,
The familiar tread of his heartbeat
Once you've slept in a bed with someone
Being alone is never the same
You'll never want to sleep alone again
You will long for the indescribable
Presence of someone just being there
I know I do.   

Tears,
I can hear them
Coating your throat
Then they rim your eyes
Falling across your cheeks.
I can hear it all
Listen to you fall apart.
Now you're desperate
You love me
You can't loose me.
Your voice drops
So quiet I can barely hear you
You're begging me to stay
Making promises and promising
This time it's true.
Love, I've heard it before
It's nearly the same conversation.
This time it's different?
The part of me building walls
Stops to laugh at your plead
I'm trying to keep myself safe.
I can't let you hurt me.
Not anymore.
But my heart is disagreeing
I don't want to be
Alone without you
You're the one I love
I can't throw it away.
You're scared
I can hear it through your tears
You don't want to be
Alone without me.
We will try to make it work, love
I whisper over phone lines
Because I know I need it to.
I can't have one more thing broken
Or I'll break too.

Standing on top of a taBle
In the middle of a busy lunch
I yell, "I have a loT to say!"
Everyone stops
I repeat myself then add,
"My name is not okay
therefore: I am not okay.
Any of you out there
With the same name
Stand on your Chairs."
Lunches are abandoned
Proudly my sister stands
Cautiously some of my friends stand.
Some other brave souls
Climb to their chairs.
Some are strangers
Others I know are just like me.
Then I pull up My sleeves
Displaying my scars
Pulling off my sweatshirt
To reveal my t-shirt.
"This shirt says:
What I'm not proud of,
Kept me in the dark,
Everything I have tried to hide,
My feArs, insecurities, self judgments,
And things that have made me strong."
Cutter is across my chest
Depressed on my back
Selfish, angry, fat,
Insecure, stupid, imperfect,
Are scattered with:
Broken, damaged, forgotten, abandon

It would seem
I have a problem.
I can't trust anyone.
Or actually I don't want to.
"Friends" they only know so much.
But no one could know
What happens in my head.
Him..he knows...enough
More than most but still..
Maybe not everything
I don't think
I even know everything I'm thinking.
I can't trust
Because I've learned
To only rely on myself.
A nice person offers a hand,
"If you ever need to talk
I'm here."
I smile and nod
Agree that if I ever need to talk
I will find you and spill my guts.
But the minute the smile
Leaves my lips
I know I will never talk to you.
I'll make you think
Everything's okay here.
Because honestly
All I know is
Everything seems wrong
But I couldn't tell you why
Or even what it is.
It would seem
I can't even trust myself
To tell me, whats going on.

Hey 2 AM,
Haven't seen you in a while.
Can't say I missed you,
I hate what happens
When I get to you.
I could call it desperation
But it feels more like going crazy.
Dark crazy, locked up, straight jacket crazy.
Visions of pools of blood and razor blades.
I know I'm getting worse.
Do I look better on the outside?
Of course not, not uncovered.
I've never been more covered in cuts.
I'm scared. They've never bled like this.
I'm such a disappointment.
I can't stop, I'm different,
It's infected me deeper.
I don't even care anymore.
But I know, because I can feel it
The "real me" is huddled deep inside
Afraid of the monsters
Scared of what she became.

I arrive at my boyfriends house
He greets me with a somber expression
"Show me..."
He's referring to the maze I cut into my hip
I unbutton my shorts and fold them down
As I expose the fresh red lines,
He lets out an audible gasp.
He looks up at me and his eyes display
Fear and surprise, he looks like a frantic trapped animal
He doesn't know what to do this time.
"Oh my God, Kristin. They've never been this bad."
He studies them more, I think I see tears pooling in his eyes
I slowly nod. I know these are bad. Worse than ever.
He recovers and takes control.
"We are cleaning those right now."
His voice is strong and comanding.
I know I can't say no.
I lay back in his bed while he rummages in the hall closet.
He returns with gauze, cotton balls, and rubbing alcohol.
He kneels on the ground and cleans them,
I grit my teeth at the pain, tears finally emerging.
I look down at him and the tears get worse.
How many boyfriends would clean out his girlfriends
Self inflicted wounds? As far as I kn

I should have known
You lied to me with two words
"I used to like you"
No we both know that's not true.
You may like to pretend,
To keep away because I'm not yours.
But you can't fool me,
You wish you had taken your
Chance back when you had it.
I can see it in the way you watch me
The way you trust me with everything
The way you are when we're close or alone
The way we talk and laugh
But mostly the ease in which you say you love me.
Now you have to watch me
Being happy with not you
And still be a friend
It must hurt, the regret.

I stood in front of an unfamiliar mirror
It wrapped around me, showing three angles.
Stark walls with only hooks to hang clothing.
I strip to my bra and panties
Frowning as I glance in the mirror
I stepped onto the viewing platform
Next to naked; feeling exposed and vulnerable
I look into dark blue-green eyes
They stare back at me blank, in a scary way
My eyes move down, frown deepening
"What happened?" Escapes my lips
My skin is a battlefield, it's so obvious I'm loosing
I've been consumed, what isn't red and fresh
Is varying shades of pink and purple, colors of scars
Mo beautiful white skin anymore
I gingerly shrug on a lose top
Wincing as I pull it over my shoulders and arms.
Then I gently tug on a pair of shorts
As they scrape over scabs I say a silent prayer,
"Don't let me bleed on clothes that aren't mine."
I look in the mirror again, the clothes fit
I look good but the horrors of my skin are in-ignorable
I shut my eyes and steel myself
I question leaving the private room in just

yet you're the brain-washing machine
with no (blow)dryer
& i'm always out,
& i'm always out-of-order
& i'm always out of your mind
& i'm always out of purpose
& i'm always never in

my lithe danseuse,
your helium-ballet:
let me keep you somewhere safe,
in my pocket         or a          Music Box
swirlingtwirling
on curled toes,
tulip-pink heels
glideflying across linoleum ballroom
gilded cherry blossoms
,paintbrush pirouettes,
spinfloating to the bell-jugglers balloon-song,
tree-branch chanson
*
my lithe danseuse,
slender danseuse;
let me keep you somewhere safe
with pianohymns

Mattress martial arts
King of Pillow Hearts
Bedsheet combat starts
In 54321
My punchlines and kickdrums
Could beat Chuck Norris' ass
beat the rhythm out Bruce Lee
knock the Chinese out Jackie Chan
I'm good for your body
Call me Dr Pilates
Fiercer than karate
Know you like em extra naughty
So don't go tryna stop me
And don't go tryna top me
Cause I'm a first class hottie
And a little bit haughty
H-A-U-G-H-T-Y
I don't even have to try
I stay fly till I die
Or maybe I'm wax lyrical
Actin' all satirical
Pretend this is a miracle
Empirical ? Illogical.
I'll render you inaudible
As if this was impossible
I make Eminem's jokes look like they came from a Popsicle
I crack rhymes so sick they belong in a hospital
Tear your hair follicles; rearrange your particles
Smash you in the monocle
And since I'm on a roll,
You get less double D's than an honour roll
The dancefloor's on fire, better stop, drop, and roll
Strobe lights, fist fights goin' out of control
If I die tonight, it's cause I ain't got

Dear My Psychokinetic Boy:
Let's learn astral projection
in ninety days. I'll be in Las
Vegas, and you'll be in San
Diego, but every night we'll
meet in my dreams.  You'll
karate chop the monsters,
protect me from banshees
and incubi, bubble wrap us
in energy forcefield shields.
Let's learn teleportation
before the twentyninth,
your halfbirthday.  Then
we could see each other
whenever you'd start to
miss me or whenever I'd
start to miss you.  Or to
kiss your lips goodnight.

There were no stars in Vegas
until I found you.
Alas, there are other stars
in the sky.  Brighter stars,
maybe. But I like my star,
what used to be my star
before we both
                            burned out

when california rebuilds itself
like a starfish, regenerating--
a moment revisited, relived--
once more against decision,
once more forced to choose
the left or the right?
the left, this time?
that's where you are;
not exactly Hollywood,
but i don't like glamour
(because you don't like it
like philosophical debate,
quantum physics, colour,
the lackthereof, and how
much difference a strand
of hair can make on me.)
a secret: i hope you liked it.
a secret: i like your hair, too.
a secret: logic = pretentious.
a secret: i want your secrets.
            (i want you)
somewhere,
we might have a universe
just the two of us.
i wouldn't bank on it,
besides, what do i have to
lose?  or what do i have to
do in order to impress you?
(not) a secret: i picked left.

for the record, i
lusted you
only for the
contents of your pants, not the
contents of your heart.
i realise this
now, of course,
and realised how
useless the
contents of either are, when
i'm nowhere near them,
nowhere near you.
i have no use for you
have no use for me.
i see no point in
lusting after a ghost;
i see no point in
picking dead flowers;
i see no point in
flying on a broken plane;
i see no point in
calling you without your number.
and what hurts the most is
that i wasted nine months on you.
i might as well have been pregnant,
or pregnant with a three-season disease
named after the first words you spoke
: Malignant Death

two and a half hours from now:
the last day i may ever see you
(if im lucky) but im not lucky so
why dont i just send my adieux
in advance: from mine to yours
two and a half years from now:
the last day, as told by Mayans
something-something years ago
(if im gullible) i might run, panic,
wish i loved more people.  but i
believe in apocalypses as much
as you believe in me: not at all.
two and a half eternities from now:
the last time i will tell you how i will
either be dead or yours. however if
you survive 2012 then i doubt i will.

the single life is like this:
there's so much eye candy,
my vision's gone diabetic.
sweet talk, sugar rush.
damn, my eyelids must
be shrinking.  too tight.
i'd tap that.  another
six hundred calories.
i think i just found my main course.

when i was young i wanted to fall in love. in real, uncontrollable, can't live without each other kind of love. the kind of love that makes you so happy it hurts, and the kind of love that never, ever ends. i wanted to be the girl who was always smiling, the girl who was wise beyond her years.
-
now, i realise that kind of love doesn't exist. that kind of love is a fraction of a fairy tale, it's a part of the sky, it's the colour in your irises. it's everything we can't be. it's the only thing that will tear you apart from the inside out.
and now, i realise that to be wise, you have to be hurt - you have to hurt over and over and over again, and you have to learn how to put yourself back together.
you have to watch your entire world fall apart, and you have to watch the people that have always been there walk away. you have to have ached, cried, screamed, and given up, only to get back up and try again.

sometimes i wish i could show you the things you've never seen -
the beauty like the alignment of a thousand suns and a thousand universes in your smile, the way it feels to be free. the fragility of someone else's heart in your hands and the length of the list of wishes you've made in your life. one day they'll all be yours to love. one day, you'll have
everything.  one day, i'll read my children your stories and tell them about the girl i once knew, the one who told me to follow the rainbow, and the girl i taught not to care, one upturned table at a time. i'll tell them that it rain heavier than ever over her, but she never stopped singing into the darkness. they'll ask me what she looked like and i'll tell them  she had the eyes that could defeat
the horizon. i'd give her the world, one tree, one cloud, one poem at a time. because i knew better than anyone else that she deserved every last bit of it. every last goddamn bit. i'd paint and write and bleed and cry f

she was the one who tamed the tiger,
the one with the fire in her heart and the one
who caught the stars,
and kept them in her eyes
he was her supernova;
more brilliant and beautiful than anything she'd ever seen
who showed her the perfection in madness
-
he still burns now,
a russian revolution -
brighter and more powerful than ever
but she is left in his wake,
quiet,
raw.
-
slowly,
the people she loved tore her apart
and through the cracks in her skin,
her skull
she bled the color from her eyes
she doesn't exist anymore.

the sun is the closest star to the earth, and travelling at the speed of light, it takes eight minutes for it's shine to reach us. the next closest star is called alpha centauri, and travelling at the same speed, it takes two years for it's light to reach us.
you told me this long ago, on a summer night, when we laid together on the grass in my backyard, watching the clouds weave themselves through the stars. you told me many things that night - that you were color blind, your favorite type of cigarettes, the best spray paint brands and that you loved me very much.
-
after it is all gone, i have forgotten your favorite cigarette brand. i have forgotten what you told me about color blindness, and spray paint. i have now forgotten what you smell like, what you thought of my writing, but i do remember what it feels like to love and be loved back. i remember what it felt like to wake up in the morning next to you, and what it was like to have your arm wrapped around my while i slept.
and y

'well what were you expecting?'
'something with meaning'
-
i felt like a baby when i laid in your arms
when you pressed your palms against mine
my fingers barely reaching halfway up yours
you laughed when i called you gorgeous
and didn't smile when i told you i liked you
but your lips still slid across my stomach
i don't think you know that you made me cry
and i don't think you understand that you
meant more to me, than i did to you
and you say sorry now, with a full stop
as if it's the end of everything; the end of us
but do you even know what you're really
apologizing for?

my clothes fall at my feet as the blood runs from my nose across my chin and down my exposed chest. steam fills the air i breathe, and the water i step into burns my skin. the bathroom is unnaturally white, and i can still taste vomit in my mouth as i hug my legs to my chest, letting the blood fall over them and slowly paint the water i sit in red. black makeup runs down my cheeks from red eyes, and knotted dark hair falls over my face.
his voice rings over and over in my head; his violent alcohol induced rage forming a lump in the back of my throat and making my heart ache more than my burning skin. ugly, slut, failure, pathetic. words that sound all too familiar, spat in his strange, alien voice.
every muscle in my body tensed and eyes closed tight, i imagine that i can't feel anything but the stinging of the steaming water. i imagine there is no world beyond the slowly reddening water i sit in, and that if i stay here long enough, i'll forget what's real and what's not. i imagine th

it's quiet here. the trees lay like skyscrapers against a blue and grey sky, dotted by browning leaves and decaying bark. the sound of birds and running water lingers gently in the air, and the sun sends rays of golden light descending through the leaves to grace the purple, red and yellow flowers that litter the sea of green grass that surrounds me. the stillness reminds me of the times we used to spend together, when we were too tired to speak, but too happy to sleep.
i feel okay though, like somewhere in the world people are happy and soon enough i will be like them. it makes me realise that no matter what happens, the world will continue spinning, and that the sun will continue rising.
i realise that i am simply a part of my surroundings, just one thought in an eternity, a myriad of thoughts that have been. yet at the same time, the world exists only as it is reflected through onto your retinas, only as you hear it through your ears. reality is an inescapable fabric, stretched acro

'i've always liked the idea of one day, you know, just slipping away' he whispered, pressing the side of his face against the brown pillow beneath him. i could just make out his eyes and  the soft curve of his lips in the dim light, but i would still have reach out my hand and fumble in the dark to trace my fingers across his jaw.
i did it, none the less.
'you know what i mean?' he whispered as my bitten nails caressed the valleys of his neck.
'one moment we're all just buzzing around - neurons firing and hair growing and all of that stuff that keeps us alive, and the next, we're just nothing. like someone has pulled the plug'
the pillow we shared muffled the soft laugh that i couldn't hold back as i whispered back to him.
'you make it sound like we're some sort of machine.'
he had never really shared my sense of humor though, and simply smiled, and i could tell that he was looking at me with those eyes that seemed as though they knew the whole world. he squeezed his hand, la