a graveyard, a tombstone, a hat
three undertakers: Victor, Markus & Willem)
Willem: "There were less heavy exemplars."
Victor (mockingly): "Our youngster."
Markus (more mockingly): "Bury the grudge."
[passes the hat to Willem, who puts one coin in it and takes two coins.]
Willem: "The old age is none of my business." [pokes Victor in his side.]
Victor: "Distillate the potatoes of life well, son."
Willem (realises his comment was not very polite; humble): "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it in that way."
[Victor taps Willem on his shoulder."
Victor: "There is no country for old men."
Markus: "That's why we are sailing the seas of gin." [laughs]
Willem (relieved): "Well, that's fixed then, I guess."
Victor: "It's only fixed when ye're dead."
Markus: "The undertaker degenerates to a corpse, in the end, just like the carpenter will become a wooden coffin."
Victor (gets the hang of it): "Or the butcher who will become a piece of cold meat!"
Willem: "Lord Byron became a poem, carved in a rock."
[Markus and Victor look at each other, burst out in laughter.]
Markus (sneeringly singing): "He's Lord Byron"
Victor (idem): "He's Baudelaire"
Markus (still singing): "In church he is Piet Paaltjens and he is Slauerhoff when on a ship"
[Willem is looking uncomfortable, Markus and Willem stop singing.]
Willem, sitting on the tombstone, Markus and Victor aren't visible, but their voices are audible)
Willem: "When I die, the world will not end with a whimper, but with a bang!"
Victor and Markus (agreeing, but somewhat ironic): "With a bang, not with a whimper!"
Willem (raises his voices): "No disease, no old age; not to die of, not to live with!"
Victor & Markus: "Hope you'll die before you get old!"
Willem (screams): "My death will be one that's epic and compelling, my death will be in the middle of an orgasm of ripped open cars, trains, airplanes and/or ships!"
[Willem falls off the tombstone.]
the three undertakers, the tombstone, the hat)
[Willem passes the hat to Victor, who puts two coins in it and takes one.]
Victor: "One. Two. One."
Willem (catious): "What about you, Victor? Do you ever think about your own death?"
Victor: "Yes, boy, that's what you do at this age."
Markus: "Our Byron has just told us, do you want to talk about it now?"
[Victor is staring in the distance, preoccupied.]
Victor [starteld]: "Oh yes, excusez-moi. On my age, death does not exist as an incident anymore, but it exists as a system. Have you ever seen an elder reading a death announcement?"
Markus: "I remember how my grandma took up the postcard, the death announcement of her neighbour, and she said: "Let's hear what she's got to tell today.""
Victor [laughing]: "Yes, so it goes."
Willem: "Is there any fear?"
[Victor turns his head to Willem]
Victor (carefully): "Being afraid for dying is not human. Look at yourself, Willem, black-romantic gushing about an early death. You aren't afraid, you long." (looks at Markus) "And for you, death is a gossip that sometimes comes close, but never too close. Dying is other people (sic)."
Markus: "And you, Victor, why aren't you afraid?"
Victor: "Dying is just an even like all others. Just like your grandchildren who can come to visit you, but this happens just once, of course."
Markus: "It would be a more than reasonable rule to thumb: being a grandparent and then die."
Willem: "But not directly after becoming one, of course."
Victor (sighs): "And those who stay alone? And the infertiles? I would have longed to be castrated in that case. Just a small sacrifice."
Victor, sitting on the tombstone, Markus & Willem not visible, though audible)
Victor: "I've died a hundred times, if not thousands."
Markus & Willem: "Bet he practised enough."
Victor (raises his voice): "Each passing car grazed me fatally, but I never realised. I just kept walking or driving, not aware of the fact I had died another time!"
Markus & Willem: "He couldn't go to sleep with that knowledge!"
Victor (shouting): "Dying is what happens when it's done, not earlier and hell sure not later. Not warmer, nor colder than love, because the Grim Reaper is our last lover. He is polygamous, as a fuckbuddy, sometimes he takes more than one at the same moment, especially after all kinds of disasters. But he isn't a romantic person to love: sleep once with him and he's gone!"
Markus & Willem: "Grim is a bastard! Fuck once and he doesn't even stay for breakfast!"
[Victor stands up and grabs theatrically towards his heart.]
a graveyard, a tombstone, three undertakers)
[Victor passes the hat to Markus, who takes two coins and puts them back again.]
Willem: "Now it's your turn, Markus."
Markus (sneering): "Well, you two aren't dead yet as well!"
Willem: "Didn't Victor just grab to his heart?"
Markus: "You didn't throw yourself for a car yet."
Victor (smiling): "Markus, you silly bugger!"
Willem (curious): "Markus, come on, tell us."
Markus: "Our youngster wants a story before bedtime. His last bedtime."
[Willem tries to hit Markus in anger; the atmosphere gets grim.]
Victor (pissed): "Stop that and I mean the two of you. I thought you would be wiser, Markus."
[Markus keeps silent.]
Victor (soothing): "Don't let it bring you down, Willem. Markus can be a very difficult person."
Markus (very angry): "Oh, pick out your scapegoat!"
[Markus throws the head on the ground in rage and runs off the stage.]
Victor: "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. And you mostly think it's too hot."
[Victor takes the hat and counts the coins.]
Victor: "Five times, just like when we began. Everybody seems to look in a different way at the offertory."
Willem: "We'll never get any further this way."
Victor [looks up at Willem]: "The difference between tolerance and acceptation, well, that's food for thought, son."
Willem: "We never accepted Markus, we just tolerated him. If we would have spoken out our dislike for Markus, things would have gotten far worse."
Victor (puts things in perspective): "Markus wasn't the best man we've ever lost."
[silence] "And not the worst man, either, I must admit that."
Willem (laughing): "Who said you must admit that?"
[Victor laughs as well]
a graveyard, a tombstone on which Markus is sitting, the voices of a choir of drunks)
Markus (sneering): "Here I am, lonely sitting on this stone, instead of lying under it."
Choir of drunks: "Death is not the end!"
Markus (contemptuous): "The end is an empty liquor cabinet!"
Choir of drunks: "Amen, brother!"
Markus (contemptuous): "Hand over the bottle."
Choir of drunks: "Hang yourself to that tree! Not only because of the descending blood you'll get an erection!"
Markus: "Anybody carrying rope around?"
Choir of drunks (sneering): "Hear him talking. Just like carrying rope around is a trait. He scorns the drunk riffraff, but he doesn't know no fuck. You are working class as well!"
Markus (begging): "Is there really nobody who has a rope?"
Choir of drunks (contemptuous): "Your laces, bastard, your laces."
Markus: "But I will need those!"
Choir of drunks: "You won't need laces. You will need a coffin. What you will get is a farmer, who cuts the noose loose and will find food for the pigs. The heavenly feast!"
Markus: "Don't you just know it yet?" (cunning) "Jesus' father, his adoptive father, I guess we can call him that, was a carpenter, but that didn't make Jesus a workman."
Choir of drunks: "Immaculate conceptions are no good for DNA-tests!"
Markus: "Wasn't Jesus longhaired, lazy scum?"
Choir of drunks: "Blasphemy, you infidel, blasphemy!"
Markus: "Religion, always a cumbersome topic."
Choir of drunks: "Isn't "cumbersome" an archaism?"
Markus: "That's what we gave to God, after He created us, while He was a successor to our heretic tensions to put our surroundings into perspective."
Choir of drunks: "Amen, brother, God after the concept and the concept after humanity, after God, amen, brother!"
Markus: "Willem seemed to be right, even how much I hate to say that. Christianity is a play on paper, without any flesh on or in front of the stage. Pretty theory, but without any human failing it is static and even deathlike. Here is where Willem's gushing rears its head, because it's clear about what the most heroic death was. On the cross. I guess that was notably painful. Whatismore, wasn't Jesus 33 when he died? Dying young; check. I don't have anybody to crucify me, this drunk scum wouldn't even find their own cross and if they did, they wouldn't know what to do with it. Rope is enough, when combined with a tree. In the end, it is about the wood and the age of 33. Didn't the priest tell me I was a son of God? Well, this riffraff is going to see the prove that the working class can take part in the Resurrection as well! It's a shame about my laces, but didn't Jesus walk partially on sandals and partially on water? Suicide a sin? The priest lied, suicide is the limbo of the Resurrection!"
[Markus sits down, looses his laces and starts taking them out of his shoes.]