you gotta get outi slept in the woods last nightyou gotta get out in Free Verse More Like This
with no coat and missing shoes;
i made my bed in the snow,
buried my face against the ice,
and felt nothing.
skin sinking to pale blues with every hour,
(a faded variety against the colourless drapery called my complexion).
my veins crackled and snapped, icicles forming inside.
numb to the bone and core as i was the day you left.
staring into a dead sky, past fusain tree limbs,
the sound of something corporate seemed to take to the passing wind.
its pounding piano and cutting words
should have stung like the frostbite,
but instead swept me unconscious.
but i am Kristie not Konstantine,
and you spell konfusion with a J
..and? i don't like it.
asleep on the forest floor,
lifeless as you'd left me,
still as the day i watched you go.
though we'd stood motionless in the kitchen
and went nowhere at all;
you had left.
the you inside you had;
you let it go, fled, gave it up.
gave me up.
you canceled all our reservations
but forgot to tell m
you told me the truththe truth i made you promise to tell me.you told me the truth in Free Verse More Like This
the truth i wasn't ready to hear.
..never expected to hear.
you claim it was a mistake:
confused, a cluttered mind and stress pervading your thoughts;
betrayal, fear and a guarded heart that froze you..
well i was freezing
when i walked outside in twenty degrees at three in the morning
a place to clear my head
a street to turn teardrops into ice slopes on chafed cheeks
a pavement my feet couldn't feel beneath me because no feeling existed in my body
like the clawing at my arm that burned in four red lines
carved from the same fingernails you fell in love with the night before for scratching your back.
[funny how i used the phrase 'in love' just now when it's the basis of my scribble here now.]
but like that burning on my forearm
i watched you light a stove to fiery flames, searing hot -- to sanitize a knife.
why sterilize something you want to use to inflict pain on yourself i wondered?
and why am i standing here witnessing it in you
the church of what's happenedin my seat in the sanctuarythe church of what's happened in Free Verse More Like This
with virgin white light cascading over my arms like a spotlight on my presence,
i feel my skin about to burn a hole right through the pew--
my ring about to eat the very flesh and bone from my finger.
as the congregation turns to watch acidic tears erode canyons in my cheeks
they know that i'm the girl who tainted their Sunday
when i touched foot in the doorway with my crimson sins,
staining all before me that'd once been holy.
in horror and shame i sit with my head in my hands,
curled upon my knees,
praying for redemption--
and know there's no girl who deserves it less.
i promised with my life,
and i broke my vow.
the congregation's gaze upon me,
mocking as i lie there rocking;
invisible whispers of, 'we told you not to.
..you naïve, filthy, disgraceful little girl.'
you asked me where i was goingand i saidyou asked me where i was going in Biography & Memoir More Like This
i'm sorry, but i have a love-hate relationship with bones.
right now i love them.
...and i hate it.
here's to black and whitemaybe i want to wear heels to church tomorrowhere's to black and white in Free Verse More Like This
maybe id rather wear ripped jeans and a band tee
maybe i want to do my make-up pretty so it glistens in the light and feels like angels glitter on my eyelashes
and maybe i want to only cover my blemishes and reveal my tired eyes, dark circles and blank lifeless face
maybe i want to look my best for God
maybe i just want to relax knowing He loves me as i am
maybe i want you to stare at me, entranced
and maybe id rather be ugly and raw so you have to look away
maybe i want to go to sleep to rest my head
maybe i like the insomniac hallucinations painted on the walls
maybe youre the reason i stay awake waiting
and maybe all the waitings made me want to knock myself unconscious
my feet are blue
my face is white
my eyes are black
and you are invisible
my heart is green
my arms are red
my lips are purple
and you still call black people coloured.
i didn't want tobut love makes you do what you never thought you wouldi didn't want to in Scraps More Like This
no pressure applied
there's no wound
it's free will
...and the meaning of compromise.
what are you willing to give for me?
my proposal.My First Proposalmy proposal. in Free Verse More Like This
...for an interested best friend, a boyfriend, or a husband.
You want to reach me,
Hear my voice; but,
For me, murder sleeps in a telephone receiver;
But, not in the sound of your voice.
Would you accept this horrid phobia; be patient, and still try to find me?
Or would you let me go for someone simpler -- always a call away?
..one you don't have to write letters just to share great news?
..one you don't have to crunch your whole self into a text when something huge is pulling at your heart?
A different someone without such pathetic irrational fears?
Could you handle all my nerves, my reluctance, and insecurities;
All those I harbor just in getting to know you?
Isn't it maddening?
How I vary between wanting to know every chapter and line of your story,
And the next day act as if it's the last thing I want to hear.
Then non-stop emails, yes three texts in a row, "Are you awake?"; "Did you sleep well?"; "What are you doing right now?"