it feels like everything's caving in on my spirit.used
is a word with multiple meanings.
it can mean
all the life sucked out of you.
it can mean
you've wasted away from so much
pressure, a hand you weren't given.
it can mean
you take a giant leap of faith
only to fall to your icy plunge,
into the splash you go.
i don't lke being used.
it's not fun.
you think for so long,
look, this will finally happen
and then it does
when you least expect,
and you feel like shit afterwards.
because you know you're
you know it and
you don't fight it.
i'm not pitying myself,
i'm pitying the girls that deal
with this same problem,
we take what we get
and sometimes what we get
isn't what we want.
maybe it is in some senses,
but after it's all said and done,
it's not what it was
supposed to feel like.
it's almost as if all the
air has been drained from
my lungs, heaving, i'm frightened
by how this thing has been
ruined, bursted to pieces, blown
to smithereens, broken.
but is it?
or are you just pretending it is
so you don't have to deal with
It was the last period of long anticipated Fraiday as you sat in your Advanced World History class. You were doodling when you should have been paying attention.
“Miss _____” your teacher barked, snapping you out of your doodle-filled wonderland.
“Since you are not making any attempt to listen to my lesson, you must already know the year in which Hong Kong gain sovereignty from Britain and was returned to China. So would you please be ever so kind as to enlighten the rest of the class.”
The teacher, along with the rest of your class stared at you waiting for an answer.
“Uh…1997?” you stammered.
“Well, you must be paying more attention than you and I both think.” Your teacher then continued lecturing.
Honestly, the only reason you knew that was because of your Chinese friend Yao. He really missed his homeland so you listened to him whenever he ranted about the culture and history of China. Actually, you found a lot of it rather interesting.
After another lecture the bell rang to go home. You were so ready to get home and have the weekend to yourself and your friends. No doubt Alfred would have another insanely scary movie to watch with you and Kiku.
However, before you were free your teacher addressed the class.
“Remember, finals are next week. I hope you all took my advice and studied the packet I so graciously put together.”
--Time Skip brought to you by Dr. Pepper—
This was great. You were at your house now. School had ended about an hour ago, and you were still hunched over your desk cramming as much as you could. Luckily (but not really) it was Friday so you had the entire weekend to stuff as much info into your head as you could. However this meant your entire weekend would be spent doing this.
It’s not like you were a bad student, your grads were all pretty good. You just totally forgot about Finals due to a busy schedule.
Okay, not really. You did have a job, but you spent most of your time with Yao.
God that boy was attractive. He was always so nice to you and smiled around you. He was totally adorable to look at and even more adorable when obsessing over things he thought were cute. And he made you blush so hard when one of those were you.
As if fate itself was messing with you, your phone rang and the caller ID read “Yao”.
You answered your phone right away, desperate to get away from the dead weight of dates to memorize.
“Hi Yao. What’s up?”
“Ni hao _______, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out today. We could go see that movie you’ve been taking about nonstop for the past two weeks.”
“Ah man, I wish I could. But I’m totally swamped with studying for Finals”
You already had to cancel your movie session with Al and Kiku, and your plans to rock out with Arthur. Now you had to turn down your long time crush asking you to the movies. If it wasn’t for Finals, it would have been the perfect weekend. Stupid education system.
Since Yao was a grade ahead of you, he already took his tests. So he didn’t have anything to worry about right now (along with the all those previously mentioned).
“Oh, okay. Maybe we could see it another time,” he sounded sad, disappointed even.
You grunted childishly into the phone “Ugh, why does school have to keep me from you and Iron Man!!!”
(Yes, obvious Iron Man 3 reference. Get over it)
Well, I guess I’ll s-, WAIT ______.”
You almost fell out of your chair out of utter shock.
“Jeez Yao, what is it!”
“I’ll be over there in a couple minutes. Don’t go anywhere!”
“But wait! What are you-,” Before you could finish the line went dead.
You sighed to yourself. Well at least you got to hang out with Yao today after all.
“What am I saying! That stupid idiot is going to distract me with his stupid adorableness! GYAH!!!
And with that last outburst of euphoric rage, you gave yourself a good head desk.
I smiled a huge grin anticipating my devilish plan.
Well, not that devilish, but one to sure make _____ throw a little fit. She was so cute when she got all huffy.
I gathered all the necessary supplies for my idea to work: popcorn, soda, _____’s fav candy, CDs by _____’s fav band, and a bunch of other stuff I knew she liked.
I threw it all into a backpack, hopped into my car, and drove over to ______'s house.
On the drive over there I couldn’t help but keep smiling to myself. Not only was my plan brilliant, but it was even better that the one I had before.
I wanted to take ____ out to see, what was it again, Iron Maid 6 or something? Stupid confusing American movies.
ANYWAY, I wanted to take her out to see a movie to make sure she was in a good mood when I told her about my huge crush on her.
Albeit, not the most complex plan, but it seemed to be a good one considering _____'s love of movies. However her determination to study for Finals pretty much shattered those plans.
Determination was one of the thing I really loved about _____ (even if it screwed up my big confession thing). Plus she was so full of energy all the time. Always looking for the next adventure, no matter what the size or shape, she dove right into thing. This usually involved dragging me blissfully anxious about what she would say or so with me.
Before I knew it he had arrived at her house. To my delight she hadn’t seen me pull up, giving me the sweet and vicious element of surprise.
I took the backpack full of goodies out of the backseat, walked up to the door and unlocked it. _____ was always forgetting or losing her key so she gave me a spare in case of emergencies. Too bad she was about to be scared senseless due to hwe urge to be prepared. HA, irony.
I slowly opened the front door and crept inside._____ had your music on full blast so she most likely didn’t hear a thing. This couldn’t be more perfect.
I approached her from behind her desk chair with extra caution. Then I jabbed her sides where she is most ticklish and yelled,
She let out an adorable shriek and toppled out of your chair, landing on her butt.
“What the crap Yao!! You gave me a freaking heart attack!!”
However the I didn’t hear her. I was too busy laughing my arse off.
As _____ got up frustrated she asked,
“What the heck are you doing here anyway? You were so vague on the phone.”
“Well, you seemed to hopelessly bored, and I know how you hate boredom.”
“Was the hopelessly part really necessary?”
“Yes it was, and you know it’s true. Anyway, I thought I’d come over and quell your miserable dissent into the dark chasm of studying for finals.”
“Wow, you’re really going for the emphasis on the desperation of my current situation aren’t you?”
“Hey, dramatics is what I go for.”
“Are you sure you’re not just doing this get close to me?” She crossed her arms and smirked at me.
Man this chick was good. I blushed slightly but turned away pretty quick. I pulled things out of the backpack I had brought to seem casual. So much for that working.
As I was rummaging through the bag, _______ leaned down behind me and placed her chin on my shoulder, inspecting the contents of the bag. I froze for a second, but before I could get up she screamed in my ear.
“OHMYGOD! SKITTLES AND KITKATS!!!!!”
This time I fell over and it was ______’s turn to laugh.
But then she looked in the bag some more and went back to screaming.
“AND THERE’S SODA POP AND AVENGERS AND GREEN DAY CDs. FREAKING GREEN DAY YAO.”
_____ shoved the CD cases and movies in my face.
“Jeez you’re a loud girl.”
“Sorry, sugar, superheroes and anti-American political-rage punk bands comprised of three men in their 40s make me happy. Did you bring all this stuff for me?”
“Course I did. I figured since you hated studying and had to cancel your plans the least I could do was make it all enjoyable.”
______ smiled from ear to ear, so cute, started to giggle, so cute!, and hugged my torso for a long time.
For a while I didn’t react. I couldn’t react. Just the fact of her being so close to me left me breathless. Finally regaining I senses, I hugged her back, savoring the embrace.
“You’re awesome Yao. You’re a great friend”
Okay, that hurt a little.
A friend? Is that really all she thought about me? Maybe this was a bad idea doomed from the start. Why would she like me like that.
She pulled away from the hug and looked up at me concerned. Believe it or not, _____was one of the few people I had a good couple inches on.
“I-I’m fine. Why don’t we get started on this study date thing.”
OH CRAP I JUST SAID DATE. STUPID!!!!!
Luckily she didn’t seem fazed by it, but she still looked concerned about me. Curse her uncanny ability to read my mood.
The rest of the evening was the best study session you ever had.
You had pulled a bunch of blankets and pillow onto the floor of your room and spread all of the goodies around both you and Yao.
The two of you listened to your favorite bands while stuffing your faces with candy and popcorn. Together you to made fun of your friends simply because you could.
You talked about how Arthur was always trying to beat his brother Alfred in gym class but never could. You told the story through staggered breaths between laughs about how Francis got kicked where the sun don’t shine after flirting with a college girl while Antonio and Gilbert laughed so hard they started to cry.
And you also just talked to each other.
It was nice to just talk to him considering how busy you both had been recently.
As enjoyable as it all was you couldn’t help shake the feeling that Yao wanted to tell you something, but was holding back.
After you finally got through all of your review papers, you and he started to clean up the mess you made. Your patients had worn thin by then and you couldn’t take the suspense any more.
You stopped Yao and spun him around to face you.
“Yao, what’s the matter. You’re acting weird.”
“I don’t know what you mean _____, I’m great” He feigned a smile that you didn’t buy for a second.
“Yeah right. Don’t try to fool me Wang, I know you to well. Now tell me.”
He paused for a moment, trying to concoct a believable response.
“I just don’t feel very well, okay?”
You gave him an incredulous look. He really went with that one?
Now you were starting to get worried. What could be so bad that he had to keep it from you?
This time you took his hand into yours which had him flinch slightly and blush.
Not backing down, you looked him in the eyes and asked.
“Yao, come on. Please, tell me what’s wrong. I’m your friend, aren’t I?”
He pushed your hand away abruptly and turned around, his back to you as he spoke.
“A friend huh? Is that it. That’s all you’re gonna say?”
You stared at him puzzled for a moment.
“What do y-”
“Ugh, you stupid girl! You can’t even see what you do to me all the freaking time. I thought things were gonna change and then you say ‘friends’. You are so clueless!”
He screamed this with his back truned the entire time. But you didn’t have to see his face to hear the bitterness in his voice.
Stupid girl? Change? Friends? W-was he saying he didn’t want to be friends anymore? But I thought…
With these thoughts racing through your head you couldn’t stop the tears that started to brim at your eyes.
“Y’yao, I’m s-sorry about w-wahtever I d-did wrong. I didn’t m-mean to make y-you upset. I-if y-you don’t w-wanna be friends a-anymore I-I und-ders-stand.” You managed to get the last sentence out before you completely lost your composure.
As you stared to wail Yao finally turned around, but you couldn’t look at him.
If he hated you know you didn’t want him to see you at your weakest, so you ran past him out of your room. You burst through your back door and fell to your knees on the steps, leaving a speechless Yao behind you.
I just stood there, not yet processing what had just happened. And then the enormity of my idiotic outburst become clear.
Oh god oh god oh god what have I done?
I was so angry I not only ruined my chanced to tell her how I really felt, but totally crushed what I did have with her.
I was really only mad because I only thought I had zero chance that she would think of me as more than a friend.
Now she hates me and we aren’t even friends anymore! She thought I was mad at her. She thought it was her fault. She thought I was totally innocent when it was my entire fault.
“Oh god _____, you don’t deserve any of this. And I definitely don’t deserve you after what I just did.”
But I can’t just leave it like this. I’ve gotta set the record straight. Even if _____ ends up hating me, I still had to tell her. Besides, the only thing I was afraid of losing was already lost.
You felt like you hade been crying for hours. That’s how bad it hurt, inside and out.
You had since stopped wailing and fell into a steady stream of nonstop tears without sound.
You thought for a while that Yao had left after you ran. However, when you heard his voice say your name from behind you froze.
“______? C-can I sit?”
You didn’t move because you had no idea what to do. You were hoping he would just go away.
Unfortunalty he didn’t. As he took a seat next to you, you scramble as far away from Yao as possible. For some reason you were afraid of being near him. Like simply being in his presence would hurt you even more.
As you cowered on the edge of the steps pf your back porch Yao looked at you with pain in his eyes.
He looked genuinely sad and desperate. What was he trying to do?
“Listen ____, I need to tell you something. I-”
“You don’t have to say anything Yao, I already know”
“You do?” he perked up a little which made the anger you hadn’t let out finally show.
“I know it all. You hate me, and I’m not worth your time. I get it. But do you have to come out here when you’ve already broken me?”
Your anger escalated as you continued spilling your feelings.
“I told you I was sorry! I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m sorry! Just leave me alone!”
You got up to get away from him (again). You felt the tears start to come again, but you were not about to let him see you cry again.
Before you had a chance to get away, Yao grabbed your arm and pulled you down into a tight hug.
You struggled to get away at first, but your will had finally crumbled. You were to exhausted emotionally to fight back. You simply slouched into his arms trying to hold back tears.
Yao started to speak in a hushed tone.
“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. You could never do something to make me angry. I was mad for no good reason and I’m the one who is sorry.”
“I-I like you a lot, _____. I’ve liked you for a long time, and I was afraid you wouldn’t like me back. That’s why I got mad. I know it’s no excuse for yelling at you, but I just had to let you know.”
You couldn’t believe this. Yao just confessed to liking you. Your long time crush had just told you he liked you.
And all you could do was stand there.
Despite everything you started to cry again.
Yao pulled you close, a concerned expression growing on his face. He rested his head on top of yours and wipered just load enough for you to hear
“I was so afraid of losing you. I didn’t know you felt like that. I like you too Yao. I really like you.”
“Really?” Yao's face started to brighten.
You nodded you head and smiled.
Yao arched his neck down and pulled you into a long, passionate kiss.
For a moment nothing mattered. Not the heart ache you were feeling minutes ago, or the fear of losing someone close to you. Not even finals mattered.
At least not until you got to school on Monday with your new boyfriend.
I hope you enjoyed my first 'x Reader'. I hope to write more in the future. Any advice for improvement on my part is much appreciated.
Memories are just a variety of useless sources,
Sadness is just an old and boring book.
Love is a cheap magazine
With a photo of a beauty queen,
But its articles every day a bit destroy me…
I want to burn it all;
I want my library to fall!
I do not want to see the past,
I want to change my fate fast!
Her image must be smashed,
All knowledge about her must turn to ash,
And my heart will never again clash!
Alas, no matter how hard I try,
Even if everything is gone,
She is still there…
My heart beats, but my mind is stronger,
I am now free; I am not her captive any longer.
With battle scars from days of despair,
When life to me was unfair,
I travel the realms that I once created,
Some still stand, some already faded.
Suddenly I find myself near a ticking clock,
By time doors to my destiny are locked.
Behind them I hear laughs and cries,
The path to the future is full lies.
Maybe my muse for me looking,
And once again my pen will write,
So I could again see the light!
Or an appointment with misery I am booking.
I am trapped in darkness, though I feel content,
Nothing in this life can me now bend!
I will go straight without any fear,
Though I know no one is near.