I LearnedHoney, whatd you learn in school today?
I learned that the world is cruel. I learned that people will try to take your dreams. They will try to rip them into tiny little shreds and then burn them; burn them until theyre only ashes and theres no proof they existed. Theres only the memory, and youll start wondering if the memory was only a dream.
I learned that they do this because someone did this to them; because theyll feel better if they drag you down into a pit of hell with them. It makes them feel like theyve won. Ive learned that sometimes, youll be just like them. Sometimes, youll rip someone elses dreams just to win.
I learned losing a dream feels like someone electrocuted your nerves; I learned that electrocuted nerves hurt like hell. I learned that sometimes you have to cry; theres no other choice and you have no control over it and you dont like it at all, no, you dont.
ConstellationsTwo teenagers - a boy and a girl - stand alone on the hill, the wind forming ripples in the soft fabric of her dress. For her, their silence is comforting; a necessary break from the gossip of their peers. The chirping of crickets in the background is strangely relaxing to her, like the sound of running water is to some people. Hes studying the stars while chewing his lip in thought; a small smile on his face. Shes memorizing his facial features, trying to find small details that she might have overlooked earlier this week.Constellations7 years ago in General More Like This
She breathes in the humid air, fresh from the rain this morning. Whatre you thinking? she asks quietly, tucking her hair behind her ears.
He hesitates a moment before replying, I was comparing love to constellations. He taps his fingers against his legs nervously, waiting for her to laugh at him like some other people would.
She doesnt. Instead, she considers the idea and tries to understand his view. Well, that
missing.i remember how you found me digging through boxes in my closet one day.missing.7 years ago in General Fiction More Like This
'what're you looking for?' you asked.
'i'm not sure,' i replied.
you looked at me, confused. 'you don't know what you're looking for?' you asked. i only shook my head.
because i never know what's missing or what i'm looking for; only that something is lost. misplaced.
but maybe the only thing misplaced is me.
'what do you think of yourself?' you asked me the next day.
'what do you mean?' i replied.
'i mean,' you paused for a moment. 'how do you see yourself?'
a telephone was ringing on the t.v. in the silence that dragged on. you turned away from me, and i could tell you didn't expect me to reply.
i didn't, either, but i surprised both of us.
'well,' i said. 'maybe... maybe i'm a fish born without gills. or maybe i'm a bird that refuses to fly. maybe i'm a treasure chest, locked and full of surprises - or maybe i'm just empty.
maybe i'm like fog, confusing and mindless and almost impossible to see through.
I'm HidingDear World,I'm Hiding7 years ago in General Fiction More Like This
Im behind the makeup; over-done, ostentatious, not-really-me makeup. But it makes me feel better. Do you understand? I dont think you do. See, I have all these horrible problems with myself. Theyre internal problems; problems with how I look, problems with how I act, problems with me.
If I cover myself up, maybe I can pretend the world will see me better; they might see who I want them to see. But more importantly, maybe Ill see who I wish I could be. I can fool myself sometimes, when Im lucky; and thats all that matters to me. Its borderline-obsessive, but I dont really worry about that anymore. Its too late to solve that problem. Isnt it?
I like who I pretend to be, either way. Shes so much nicer; so much prettier.
Do you understand yet?
Im hiding behind the lies.
The lie I tell the most is my smile. Its fake; horribly, disgustingly fake, but the world seems
remember.i. remember -remember.7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
how you were
that day and how i
took the first step
a. you told me that
sunsets are more beautiful
endings are always lovelier
ii. remember -
the way you
twirl my hair,
hold my wrists,
kiss my heart.
b. you collect my tears.
you put them in a jar,
hide them under your bed.
you say that, this way,
you have my bad memories;
that they're not mine
iii. remember -
how i asked if
you would ever
how you said
c. you were wrong.
was more beautiful
than our sunset.
colors and dino speech.i tried to catch youcolors and dino speech.7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
a shining, pure white star
for your present,
but it escaped my fingers.
(if you want to,
we could climb onto a roof at night
and pretend that we are
among the stars.)
and maybe we would end up
catching a dream.
we should get paintbrushes
and paint everyone's heart
the purple of sunsets.
maybe we're all like
beta fish. maybe we're all
secretly fighting our
(if you were a beta fish,
you'd be a gorgeous
deep blue one.)
maybe you and i
are two different shades of
different, but alike enough
to understand the other.
'i love you'
letters.dear amber:letters.7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
instead of having pillow fights,
we'll have marshmallow fights -
or try to, because
we'll end up eating all the ammo.
the melodies you play
on your flute are beautiful,
i'm sure, but
they could never be as beautiful
as your heart.
if i could heal all your wounds
and erase all your scars,
but all i have
is this pikachu band-aide.
if you're ever feeling down,
we could play games of
checkers, and you would always win
and i'd tell you embarassing stories
and secrets about myself,
just to make you smile.
capturing memories.if life is like a cakecapturing memories.7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
and the smiles are the pieces,
i'd save the biggest one
whenever you feel like you've
fallen, and you can't get up,
and you don't believe in yourself -
well, i'd offer you my wings,
but they're broken, too,
and you deserve better.
[i'll just offer you my hand,
instead, and i hope it'll be
sometimes, i wish i could capture memories
and put them in unbreakable glass jars.
that way, i'd never forget anything
about you, and i'd never forget
all the times you've made me smile.
you'll never be alone.
even if the world abandons you,
i'll always be here. always.
[all you have to do is look for me.]
letters to myself.dear self:letters to myself.7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
sometimes, i wonder where happiness goes
when it's lost.
i have checked
under my bed
for monsters and
there are none.
i have decided
the only kind of monsters
are the ones within
people, including myself.
i don't dream anymore.
i let the world
take my dreams from me
and throw them in the trash
because they said
'those will never come true'
and i believed them.
don't let them do the same
don't be afraid.
none of my wishes
have come true yet,
but this does not mean
i should stop hoping
and dreaming and
you can't make
people happy, and you can't
make them smile.
but you can still try.
i miss going outside
just to stare at the clouds walking
in the sky; tasting the air
and happiness; watching kids
play in the backyard next door
and not being a part of it
and being a part of it
all at once.
closing your eyes and
locking the doors and
praying this all goes away
will not sh
BreatheShe says:Breathe7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
I feel like this.
(She makes a fist.)
And its like
I forget to breathe.
But Im still alive,
My hearts still beating.
Im just not breathing.
I dont want
To breathe -
Id rather suffocate
Than feel like this.
late night secrets.i. have you ever been so hungry that, when food is finally ready and it's burning hot, you're not willing to wait?late night secrets.7 years ago in General Non-Fiction More Like This
because i want to love someone like this. love someone so much it doesn't matter if i get burned. love someone so much that it just. can't. wait.
i want to love someone so much that i'm not afraid anymore. not afraid of the consequences, of getting hurt, or of losing myself. i want to love someone so much that it's consuming and i can do nothing but love, love, love.
ii. sometimes, i wish i didn't have so many shots at a decent future. sometimes, i wish the only future i could ever have would be in writing. maybe then people would leave me alone to chase my passion.
[i hate this about myself. i hate that i can't just be grateful for what i have. i hate this secret.]
iii. i worry that one day, when i call up a friend, she'll answer the phone and ask, 'who's speaking?'
i'll say, 'alyssa.'
she'll ask, 'who?'
my greatest fear is being forgotten.
iv. when i ca
paper hearts and ashes.you always cut out paper hearts and then ripped them up.paper hearts and ashes.7 years ago in General Fiction More Like This
i asked why, once.
you said, "to get the anger out."
and i could only wonder if you would ever do the same to my heart.
you liked to scar my wrists with your too-sharp nails. you said you were 'making your mark' on me.
but if you could only see the marks you've left on the inside.
you taught me this:
ashes are like people.
you can try to keep them, but in the end, the wind always carries them away.
I Loved You OnceThe words come outI Loved You Once7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
A jumbled mess
Of two piles
That never should have been
I didnt say it right.
Hear what I didnt say;
Answer the unasked
I loved you once.
I still love you.
our breakup sounded like...our breakup sounded like people screamingour breakup sounded like...7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
fuck! yelled into ears that just werent
listening; glass breaking like
hearts. throwing rocks against the
wall. falling. breaking bones. the crickets were
silent; i think they were
sorry for us. our breakup sounded like
doors slamming and people
leaving without saying goodbye or
even looking back.
snapshots of dreams.i. despair.snapshots of dreams.7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
i think my hope is trapped within the suns rays, and it falls out of reach, into unfamiliar hands.
despair is left to shadow my footsteps, following me home.
the doors lock snicks shut, but sorrow still worms its way into my core, bringing up old memories.
my hope is stolen again.
[and with the disappearance of another second off the clock, we are pushed farther apart.]
Can you hear the airplanes crashing; stars falling into black holes to be forgotten?
Soon, too, the rainbows will give up on us and disappear, never to be seen again.
Im afraid the angels will one day scream, throw down their halos and stomp on them.
But now, time bombs start ticking, and I only fear one thing more than their explosions.
[It's the moments of silence I've been faced with since you said goodbye.]
I am dreaming of soft skies under which we could hum wordless lullabies;
of fog-filled minds saying nonsensical things that we would somehow understand, anyway.
but she loved you.she is the girlbut she loved you.7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
that doesnt want you to fall in love
with her. the one that
wears dirty red ribbons in her hair
because she feels like she
deserves the dirty feeling.
she is the one that
will not wait for you
even if you waited forever for her.
she doesnt think she deserves you.
and this is going to break her,
slowly, and shes going to bite
her tongue and bleed because
shes sorry she ever wasted your time.
unwritten wordsI wrote youunwritten words7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
(but still sweet)
love poem on a
sheet of paper,
and when I was through,
I realized that
my pen didnt work.
so when you read it,
please realize that
I did have things to say -
just nothing to say them with.
nights under stars.late one night, you stayed up to count the stars with me.nights under stars.7 years ago in General Fiction More Like This
i pointed to one and said, 'that one doesn't have a name.'
you smiled and said, 'let's name it alyssa, then, so it'll have an identity.'
but names and identities are not the same, and i wish i knew how to tell you this. it didn't matter anyway, though, because the alyssa star exploded the next day.
'do you think the moon has a name? and do you think the moon is keeping it a secret from us?' i asked another night.
'no,' you said.
'could we give it a name?' i asked.
'no,' you replied irritatedly. 'it doesn't need a name. it's only the moon; it's only the earth's moon. it doesn't have an identity outside of that. it doesn't need one.'
but it does need one, i wanted to say. it really does.
because i know what it feels like to only be known as a possession of something or someone else.
and another night, we stared at the stars from a tree in my backyard. you wrapped a blanket around me and k
someday.i. i will alwayssomeday.7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
be waiting for my
(would you like
to wait with
giving up and
sound awfully nice.
(you are the reason why
iii. i believe that words
can paint rainbow
sunsets and rivers and
happiness and golden
skies and things full
(im still trying to figure out
iv. writing non-fiction
makes me feel horribly
for everyone to realize
im nothing special.)
v. i dont want
to anyone. i
only want to be
mine. i only want
(i like to pretend
steps.one.steps.7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
the first step is always
the hardest, like learning
to breathe and swim and wish
and sometimes, you sink and
sometimes, you need someone
to rescue you.
but when you finally learn,
it's like locks clicking and
hearts singing and holding
hands and suddenly,
everything makes sense.
you held sadness
close to your chest, content knowing
this is something no one
can take away.
and then you start to think
that maybe, happiness could work like this,
and wouldn't that be amazing?
realize that you
want to have happy dreams
to put in photo album memories,
and you want
to write a letter
to yourself and it would say
you are beautiful
and you want
to believe it.
wonder if black holes
only pull things towards them
because they're lonely
you could keep them
realize that you shouldn't
let your past
ruin the present
or the future.
the only ghosts and demons
chase them away, away,
i haven't found this
dreamland.time does not seem to pass here.dreamland.7 years ago in General Fiction More Like This
time never passes in dreams, she told you once. and shes right.
but you wish time would pass here, because maybe that would make this real. because his skin is soft as dust and just as fragile on yours. because hes kissing you like he may never see you again - and in all honesty, he probably wont.
and you wish you didnt have to wake up.
youre sobbing now, betrayal like a weight too heavy to lift; your heart like a twig that got snapped.
alone in your room, face masked by shadows, you remember what she told you the last time.
all diamonds are made from pressure; pressure and heat. so maybe this is making you into a beautiful diamond.
and you remember wanting to say:
but what if the pressure only makes this piece of coal into dust?
but you didnt, because the promises emanating from her lips about better times soon to come were too beautiful to taint. they reminded you
nuclear wars of the heart.this is hownuclear wars of the heart.7 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
nuclear wars of the heart
fireworks are really
just another kind of
explosion, did you
[you are causing
to implode within
there is a
a fault line
you like to cause
that shake my whole
[but this crack
is only getting wider.
could you please fill it up
hopes and dreams?]
did you know that?
but you could also
[all you have to do
ways to say goodbye.i. i want to make your heartways to say goodbye.7 years ago in Other More Like This
bleed and laugh and cry and
smile and feel instead of just
yawning from lack of love, but
i'm afraid being around you
makes me too empty to do so.
ii. i'm sorry. it hurts
too much to explain.
iii. go to sleep. i'll be here when you wake up.
except you weren't. you lied, and you left.
and i'm afraid to go back to sleep because i didn't even get to say goodbye.
iv. i think i'll be
like the city of
atlantis and pull
a disappearing act
out of your life.
last night.last night the electricity went out in my neighborhood.last night.7 years ago in General Fiction More Like This
last night i lit some candles and burnt my fingers in the process. i watched the flames flicker in the dark and i stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and wondered why it looked different, somehow.
last night i remembered how sometimes, when i touch people, i shock them with static electricity. and i wondered if this has any significance.
last night i reread your letters and counted them. nine. there used to be ten, but i threw one away when we had that fight, remember? and i spent the next day looking unsuccessfully in the trash for it and wishing i could control my temper.
last night i wrote 'i wish you were here' on a piece of paper, but i'm not sure who the you was. maybe it was everyone.
last night i cleaned my room just to mess it up again, mostly because i like messing things up. maybe this is some strange revenge on the world for messing me up. i'm not sure.
last night i tried to write but it only ended up
months of the year.october:months of the year.7 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
was when i met you.
we were in a coffee shop. it was stuffy and crowded, but it smelt like hope and the coffee was decent.
you sat down next to me, quietly, and neither of us said anything as you watched my coffee get cold.
'why?' you asked softly.
'i don't like getting burned.'
it's a shame i ended up getting burned anyway.
i had this incredibly eccentric neighbor.
she put her christmas lights up at the beginning of november. i never understood why.
most of the lights ended up dying by december.
and then i thought of the lights as the important people in my life, and i thought it was ironic how, in the end, they always ended up dying or leaving, too.
the first night it snowed that year, you brushed my hair out of my eyes and smiled. i asked, 'what are you smiling about?'
you said, 'i know what my new year's resolution will be.'
i asked, 'what?'
you said, 'i'm going to be more careful. my goal is to not break anything out of clumsiness.' and suddenly,