Snoopy Composes a NovelIt was a bright and sunny day. Which, all in all, was a terrible way to begin a story. But Snoopy was determined to begin his Great American Novel, whether the day was bright and sunny or not. Of course, “write what you know” didn't have to always be taken literally; Tolstoy probably didn't know half as many people as he wrote into his books. If Snoopy was to write what he knew, the book would be about writing a book, which all in all would be rather dull once the thrill of recursion passed.
“It was pretty good, but also pretty bad.” As an opening line, it was okay, but nothing exceptional. “Everyone knows that rich dudes want to get married.” And everybody knew that if Snoopy was to write a love novel, he'd likely be sued by some dame convinced that it was about her. He'd smooched so many dames that he'd lost count of all the exact circumstances, so there was bound to be some repetition. “He was a young beagle who wrote alone on a typewriter a
The Final TestIt was a sight for sore eyes. The Mask of Life, free for the taking. The only difficulty would be in retrieving it from the lava it peacefully lay in. The Piraka looked at each other, then with no trace of subtlety made a mad dash for it. This dash was brought to a stop when the mask rose, up out of the magma, revealing it to be fused to the head of a familiar face. A face which grinned at them, in the sort of way that said "I'm happy to see you, but I'll be happier to see you in pieces."The Final Test3 years ago in Humor More Like This
It was Vezon, the seventh Piraka, split from Vezok via the Spear of Fusion. He stood triumphant, perched on a beastly spider. The whole picture seemed straight out of the nightmares of a thousand madmen.
If there were any words ruder than "Piraka," the Piraka would have said them right then and there. Instead, only Avak managed to choke out a strangled curse.
"Now, now, gentlemen," Vezon beamed at them, "there's no reason to be coarse. Once the coarse has run its course, it'll be cursed for your corps
The Eagle and the Woodsman's DaughterThere once was a poor woodsman, who lived in a cabin with his daughter. (Okay, so there have been plenty of poor woodsmen who lived in cabins with their daughters, but this one is special.) She was a fair maiden, if by "fair" you meant "hot." If by "fair" you meant she dealt with things in a decent manner, then she was about as fair as a coal mine. But did I mention she was hot? Really, really hot. And the woodsman took good care of his daughter, for her mother had died shortly after childbirth; somehow she just knew that her kid would turn out rotten, and she wanted no part in it.The Eagle and the Woodsman's Daughter3 years ago in Scraps More Like This
The poor woodsman was troubled, for he had no dowry to bequeath to his daughter. Not that it mattered, because she was really, really hot. Seriously, there were about three different princes fighting over which one would get to marry her. But their parents, kings and queens, were more concerned with practical things like political alliances, and having the other kingdoms' future kings all after your f
Crimson SnowI looked upon the crimson snowCrimson Snow3 years ago in Scraps More Like This
With footprints red where death had passed
The day now seemed so long ago
But only hours in the past
Why did you have to leave so soon
Why did you have to go away
I contemplate between the moon
As tomorrow becomes today
You promised me you'd never leave
But now left from the mortal plane
I've nothing left but sit and grieve
A broken heart my only gain
If crime only a madman brings
And violence does a fool beget
Then why does vengeance sooth the stings
But all my actions bring regret
You're better off, they say to me
But I am not, for I am here
If death begets your victory
Then let my expiration near
Was only one within the earth
Who I could speak such painful thoughts
If death will only bring rebirth
Then bless the fall that ruin has wrought
The cause of this is all to clear
Mankind is he who hurts his kin
We beget hate, give birth to fear
And drown ourselves in blood and sin
The man who loves without a price
Would find himself condemned to die
No Roost For The WearyAnd lo! as onward crept the dawnNo Roost For The Weary2 years ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
A figure strode upon the lawn
And boldly crept to yonder fence
Each morning, without recompense
To sound the message, telling when
The night was gone, 'twas day again
The people there were not amused
With this alarm, you can't press snooze
And so the residents complained
And yet, from hastiness refrained
For though the Elder Rooster Red
Each day awoke them from their beds
He still had seniority
So his demise was not to be
And thus the rooster was excused
And from his duties not recused
But though t'official public stance
Was he should live, yet then it chanced
That who to the town should return
But one so wise, so old and learned
And Elder Rooster Red, it's true
Aged not as much as Dr. Floo
"The Doc, when she was young and kickin'
Was always fond of dumpling chicken"
"So surely this occasion we
Have found a reason to puree"
And so the rooster's spirits sank
On Doc's behalf, the town pulled rank
And dumplings by the score prepared
And Elder Rooster Red w
BrokenThey just sat there, admiring the feeling of the sand beneath their toes. The sun beat down, somewhat overbearingly, but the sodas were cold so it was tolerable. The water lapped up against the edge of the shore, and the roar of the ocean filled the backdrop. There were people there, many people, but his mind was on her, and her mind was on him, and for the moment all was right with the world.Broken3 years ago in Scraps More Like This
Or at least, she thought so. He knew better.
He said her name. It sounded so bittersweet to his ears, like an old friend you know you'll never see again. He said it again. Then, he got to the point. "We need to talk about us."
She smiled, thinking that she knew where this was going. "You mean, about if there's going to be an us?"
He paused, looking deep into her eyes one last time. "Yes," he finally said, and the words bit his tongue like uncut lemon juice. "About how there can never be an us."
The words had obviously stung her as much as him. If it was so blasted hot out, he wondered, then why w
The Legend Kinda Sorta BeginsWith a resounding crash, the waters thrust the cylinder forward, crashing onto the beach. With a hiss, the seal released, opening the way for the cylinder's lone occupant to exit. He looked out over the beach, then swept his gaze to the rest of the lush island. Lifting his ax from its place beside him, he adjusted his mask and prepared to set off.The Legend Kinda Sorta Begins3 years ago in Humor More Like This
"Well, that was a nice sleep-nap," Lewa commented to nobody in particular. A savage roar behind him drew his attention, and he turned to see two nasty-looking Rahi rising out of the water. "And you must be my nightmare-scare."
The larger of the two creature clearly wanted Lewa to talk to the hand, and with a mighty punch sent the Toa of Air flying through his element. His flight was broken by a collision with what Lewa believed was colloquially referred to as a "babe."
"You must be the Toa of Air," said the blue vision of beauty that was currently located directly underneath him. "It is unfortunate that you are not as light as your element."
I Sneezed! Haiku!I will kill the guyI Sneezed! Haiku!3 years ago in Haiku & Eastern More Like This
Who chose to have Weight Watcher's
Meet at the nude beach
Riveting Repartee: A Short Stories Compendium1. The ReturnRiveting Repartee: A Short Stories Compendium2 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
"But you're dead." "I was."
2. The Regret
"I'm sorry." "You will be."
3. The Reveal
"You didn't." "I wish so."
4. The Romance
"Will you marry me?" "Potentially."
5. The Resolution
"I won't live life backwards."
On the Proper Preparation of SandwichesIt's become ubiquitous for uncreative writing teachers to assign their pupils the common, pedestrian task of inscribing instructions on the proper preparation of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Perhaps they hope that some will take it to heart, and grow up to be writers of technical manuals and/or cookbooks. Or perhaps they're just biding time until summer vacation, and the resulting opportunity to kick it (as the expression goes) in Vegas. Regardless, I now bring you tidings that will put such petty scribblings to shame: the most in-depth, detail-oriented, hyphen-abusing description of sandwich creation in existence. We have left no minuscule detael unexamined, producing a thoroughly polished and well-researched entry for your perusal. Don't thank us, it's just what we do.On the Proper Preparation of Sandwiches1 year ago in Articles & Interviews More Like This
To begin with, drive to Wal-Mart. I presume you're well acquainted with automobiles; otherwise, you must first read a guide that deals with such matters. Once you have reached Wal-Mart, proceed to stock your car
A DeviantArt StoryThe fire was burning fully now, hot enough to kill any insects attracted by the light. Of course, any such fire was sure to bring attention, and I kept my eyes open for pyromaniacs. Pyromaniacs, or worse.A DeviantArt Story3 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
And speak of the devil. A staff member, from the looks of it. Definitely fit into the "or worse" category. I forced a smile, and called out "Lovely night for a fire!"
"Burn permit, please?" Well, this one wasted no time on formalities. I produced my permit, and he nodded. "What's the purpose of this fire?"
"For one, it allows me to enjoy the lovely heat while under the stars. For another, it's cooking my dinner right now. Care to join me?"
"Hmph." He said nothing, but his continued presence indicated his acceptance of the offer. I removed the potatoes from the fire, but left the meat. It would take a bit longer to cook. The worst part of this was learning to eat the meat. I'd never been much of a carnivore, anyway.
He grabbed a potato with greedy fingers, fingers that were soon stuck
Testing Your Patience: Pt IIt was a dark and stormy night. Or at least he was pretty sure it was. Being inside, Vezon couldn't be certain of the weather, but he liked to think of it as being full of energy and excitement. A glorious cacophony of violence, with nature itself striking around you by wind and water and electricity. If Vezon had the power of a Toa, he could make every day so glorious. But that would be foolish, since without boring moments there would be no variety, and without variety things would be boring. And besides, Matoran became Toa. Piraka didn't.Testing Your Patience: Pt I3 years ago in Humor More Like This
As for inside, it was a far cry from dark and stormy. The walls were gleaming white, just begging for a splash of paint to fill them with obscene graffiti. The floor was the same as the walls, as was the ceiling... all a cold, solid ceramic, completely unlike the beautiful padding that would be expected from such a space. And since he wasn't wearing the special jacket, this must not be one of those delightful bread-and-breakfasts with the pretty la
The Bumbleking Christmas Miracle'Twas a week before Christmas and at BumblekingThe Bumbleking Christmas Miracle3 years ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
Everyone wanted to get lots of things
The carolers gathered and sang merry songs
And everyone's wishlists were twenty yards long
The stockings were hung, and the presents were wrapped
And scanned by a mobile phone x-raying app
The smart ones had lined their packages with lead
Harder to see through, though you might wind up dead
But the wonder of Christmas, that all had looked towards
Was Santa Hog's coming, to bring loot in hoards
Stuffed stocking and presents and much Christmas cheer
Although Santa Hog hadn't shown up last year
Or the year before, or the year before that
In fact, if you'd kept track his record was scat
He'd never shown up, never left any gifts
In fact, some suggested the Hog was a myth
No man doubted more than the one called Milox
He spoke to the crowds as he stood on a box
He said, "Santa Hog isn't real, you know!
He doesn't bring presents or say ho, ho, ho!"
The people all jeered, but inside they were sad
If Santa Hog'
Something You Want to Tell Me?Found your skeleton in the closet.Something You Want to Tell Me?1 year ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
Lover // CheaterOne word caught in her throat.Lover // Cheater1 year ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
Vicarious AffectionsDearest Gali;Vicarious Affections2 years ago in Romance More Like This
I call you thus as there is no Gali dearer to me than yourself. In this sort of letter one would typically spend the whole focusing on the object of their adoration, but in order to effectively convey how and why I feel this affection I must first focus on explaining my own history. To begin, I am a Makuta. In case my own delivery of this message somehow leaves this confusing, I am Krika, the hideous bug-eyed bug-shaped bugger you wish would bug off. You may know me as the one who offered you mercy. In turn, I entreat you to show me similar mercy in your response to this missive.
I'm not sure just how much you know about my kind. I know about you, of course; one of the legendary Toa who would awaken Mata Nui. There's an irony, in that you yourself were reawakened after drifting at sea for so long. Such a process left your memories a blank slate; if in the meantime you've been educated as to the history of the Brotherhood, then such a detail was neglected in my briefing.
The Adventures of Captain BlackbeardCaptain Blackbeard searched the shore for witnesses. Finding none, he smiled. The sand on the beach would perfectly hide his buried treasure, and none would think to dig for it. He dug swiftly, knowing that time was of the essence. Once the hole was prepared, the treasure was deposited, and the hole was filled. Captain Blackbeard, satisfied that his work was done, left the beach, knowing he would never return again.The Adventures of Captain Blackbeard3 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
"There you are, Captain Blackbeard!" The speaker was a towering figure, familiar to the Captain. "I was worried about you. Don't you ever sneak out of the house again! Well," she continued, "vacation time's over. We're going home. Into the carrier with you." Captain Blackbeard meowed as he was picked up, and once in the crate, proceeded to lick his tush vigorously.