I'm Still LaughingIt really is quite funny.
How one second I'm in tears,
over how I don't know whether to live or die.
Then I'm making cruel cruel jokes about when I'm going to commit suicide.
I am true bitch.
An total shit.
I had a nap.
And woke up in the shittest mood.
Made me spill shit.
Then depressed and angry and pissed at myself.
Then fucking alone. Because I depend on my friends and have to talk 24/7 with them.
I have wanted to die for the past, what 4 months.
Full on poof, ding, pop, boom, gone.
But it's only resently I reaslised I'm too much of a parnoid piece of crap to kill myself.
No I'd have to go out and do everything under the sun and cross my fingers and hope to die.
That reminds me of my lastest joke-
"How are you?"
"Yes, cross my fingers and hope to die."
Its funny isn't it?
The world is funny, my laugh is funny.
Haters are fucking hilarious.
Please! Stop my sides are spilting.
As for you sunshine, thank you for confusi
Hell Doesn't Even KnowI want to cry so much...Hell Doesn't Even Know11 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
Maybe I'm happy,
Maybe I'm sad.
I feel so alone,
Yet I've been with people all day.
I feel so unloved,
Yet I know I have people who love me.
I can't talk about these feelings.
I can't open up when the door is locked.
And the key is lost.
I want to inspire,
But I just recieve empathy.
I want to die,
But I keep on breathing.
I feel so confused, lost and all alone.
The feelings inside me are too strong for my body.
I don't want someone to understand.
I want someone to give me the answers to why I am like this.
And a solution to fix the massacre inside me...
Goodbye...I don't think I love you anymore.Goodbye...1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
I have loved you for a year and 10 months and you never noticed.
I hope it isn't just because I haven't seen you in ages.
I really hope so.
Because if it is.
As soon as I see your face all of that love will come rushing back.
But with love comes pain.
I must be over you.
Because I've fallen for a man created in my brain.
Who cheers me up.
Who holds me when I cry.
Who talks to me when I'm alone.
Who helps me when I've hurt myself.
Who loves me for me.
Who understands me.
And I know he doesn't exist so he can't be you.
I don't think I've let you go though.
Insane LoveDon't.Insane Love1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
Hold my hand.
Let me cry in your arms.
Talk about love and the future.
Tease me to cheer me up.
Read over my shoulder the poem I'm writing.
Speak to me.
You'll learn to hate me...
You'll learn to ignore me...
All of those things.
Save me from myself.
I'd ask you to do it.
You're not real. You're caught in my mind.
A character. A fake identity of a person I want to want me.
Thats why don't.
Because reality breaks me when you leave.
Do you ever feel like...Do you ever feel like...Do you ever feel like...8 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
You have no energy to get up and walk to the other side of your room.
You wake up in the morning and would beg to go back to sleep.
You would storm out of a classroom screaming, crying and swearing- if stupid questions like "what's wrong? What happened?" (or being screamed at) weren't asked after.
You cry. You cry. And You cry.
People don't like me - That's what you think.
People don't care. Don't love. Don't want.
The second you find a problem you can't fix or control yourself.
Bitch. You are a bitch. Ugly bitch. Fat. Stupid. Mean. Heartless. Selfish.
SHUT UP! FUCK THE HELL OFF! - you can't control your thoughts.
The second you get annoyed at someone. "I HATE YOU!" But you don't.
You hate yourself.
You think about where you could be, would be, wouldn't be.
You think about death and wonder about death.
You think about cancer and all those illnesses out there.
You store everything about death- suicide- in your head like a cabinet file.
You can stare off into the
If Tears Left ScarsIf tears left scars,If Tears Left Scars1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
I'd be ugly.
If tears left scars,
I'd never want the attention I'd be given.
If tears left scars,
I'd be a monster.
If tears left scars,
You wouldn't come near me.
If tears left scars,
I'd hear the whispers of people when I'm around.
If you saw me,
with scars from the tears I cry,
What would you do?
Would you make those sad, burning tears
into warm tears of laughter and joy and
make those scars disapper?
OnlyI only want to be dead,Only8 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
Because I'm already dying.
I only want pain,
Because I'm already in pain.
I only want to suffocate,
Because I'm already suffocating.
I only want to be empty,
Because I am empty.
I only want to go away,
Because nothing right is staying.
I only want to sleep,
Because I still have the chance to wake up when the nightmare is over.
Words.../////////////Warning/////////// TriggersWords...9 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
I have no words to say.
I haven't got the will to.
I haven't got the will to say the words.
I haven't got a clue what to do........
Starving myself to death is a long way...
But thoughts of death run down the drain with the blood from my cuts.
The pain has washed over my days for weeks. Months. Years.
It never goes.
I have no way to help myself.
Nor can I save those around me.
As I try to stop someone from touching the flame. I burn myself.
We both burn ourselves.
Should we just estinguish life?
Is that what we should be doing?
I don't understand as messed up as they are how can they not want me to to be so like this?
If they are saying and agreeing it how can they babble positive vile?
How can they tell me I’m going to be okay when they don’t want to be okay themselves?
I can’t do it.
I am in the same position as those around me. I reflect and worry what they are feeling.
I can’t tell them things will be b
Whisper GoodbyeSay "Hello."Whisper Goodbye8 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
And whisper "Goodbye."
Hug me really tight.
Don't ask me why.
Talk aloud to me.
Share with me your smile.
Hold my hand in yours.
Just for a while.
Attack me with tickles.
And poke my nose.
Wrap me in your arms.
And hold me close.
I'll let you fall asleep.
I'll send a goodnight kiss,
To keep you safe and sound.
I'm broken and unfixed.
I know you will hate,
Having me around.
Sit with me in silence.
And play with my hair.
Text me when you're down.
I am always there.
Don't worry about me.
Don't dwell about if I'm gone.
Just give me some love.
And I'll try to hold on...
I don't know who I am anymore.I don't know who I am anymore.I don't know who I am anymore.11 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
A person who wants to kill herself.
But wants to cry and then wants to laugh.
Who makes a joke about cutting.
But then gets triggered by the word cut.
Who over analysises ever thing.
Who dreams pathetic dreams.
Who hasn't got the courage to do anything.
Who disobeys her plan not to talk about her feelings.
Who gets so jealous if others have it worse off.
That's why she complains.
But she shouldn't. Complaining stops her being the worst off.
She planned to give up on love.
But couldn't even do that.
Who can control her anger.
But doesn't want to because it pains her soul.
She planned to commit suicide.
But she probably won't have the guts.
Who freaks out, reseaching about bipolar.
Who doesn't care about anyone.
And if she does she's helpless and worried and scared.
Who wished to be reckless and stupid in ways to get way.
But everything she does just makes it harder eacher day.
LostDark Room.Lost8 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
I can't see.
But I try.
But I cry.
No I don't.
I don't want to admit it.
I can't and I'll regret it.
I'm all over the place.
But I'm heavy.
I'm full of emotion.
And I can't get it out.
And the ones that work I can't do.
I don't know what I need.
But I want you.
Please Kindly Leave My Brain"LEAVE ME ALONE!"Please Kindly Leave My Brain11 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
That's what I want to say.
I don't mean it.
I need you.
That's what I say.
I don't mean it.
I'm dying from the inside out.
Feel like shit... again...
"I'm just not hungry,"
Which is true. But with a deeper meaning...
I'll starve my body into death.
"I'm sure I'll live,"
Please don't say that.
What if your not sure?
You die. I die.
That's the situation.
How can I be happy, If I know you're not?
I need you're hugs too much...
The Layers of SkinShe laughs out loud.The Layers of Skin1 year ago in Concrete Poetry More Like This
Talking to herself.
She doesn't care though.
This girl is surrounded with her friends.
Happy with her life.
She can't cope with the stress.
Stress of work.
Stress of life.
Then the feeling that all of these other feelings simmer to eventually.
She wants to scream.
She wants to shout.
She wants to let it all out.
But her anger she must bury.
Otherwise a rampage of spilling out swear words and other vile.
Out of control, reckless and stupid.
Not thinking of consequences.
So look emotionless.
Or 'in a mood' as they call it.
She hates her anger.
She hates her thoughts and feelings.
She hates her looks.
She hates herself.
That's what guilt whispers in her ears.
She tries not to infront of people.
She sobs herself to sleep.
She can't help.
She has no hope.
Confusion eats away at her brain.
DreamsI dream that..Dreams1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
For a day I'll be clever.
For a day I'll be pretty.
For a day he'll hug me and smile and chat and it'll be like we'd never been strangers
For a day I won't shut up no matter who I'm next to
For a day I'll be happily in love
For a day I'll stand up for what I believe in
For a day I'll be married
For a day I'll be a mother
For a day I'll be a writer
Forever I will dream and believe,
That if these dreams can last a day,
I'll have lived a good life.
But if theses dreams can exceed a day,
I'll be the luckiest person alive...
Destroy MeHe was beautiful.Destroy Me9 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
Scars and all.
She was beautiful.
Scars and all.
Their love was undefiable.
There was no way to explain it.
They held hands as they walked,
Arm to arm,
Neither tried to stop nor help the other.
How could they?
Hypocrite wouldn't be the word.
But they comforted each other and did what ever the other asked them to do.
If she was upset and ready to relapse.
He hand her a red pen and kiss her on her forehead.
If he was close to punching himself.
She'd kiss his hand and hand him a stress ball.
They both listened as they spilled there feelings.
As they sobbed.
They shared sleepless nights lying together.
It didn't matter how much they felt like they didn't have purpose.
They need to love the other so that they were loved.
They both tried to fight together.
Support each other with whatever happened.
They were both beautiful.
So beautiful broken,
That their shattered peices,
fallen together created something bigger than when they were whole.
Pretty Little PillsLittle pills, happy pillsPretty Little Pills1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
Take them once a day.
Little pills, purple pills
Send all the pain away
Little pills, pretty pills
Make me happy and bright
Little pills, sleepy pills
Help me sleep at night
Little pills, stupid pills
Hurry up and work
Little pills, little pills
The monsters, they still lurk
Little pills, needed pills
You have one last job to do
Little pills, death by pills
Send me somewhere new
Little pills, all the pills
Swallow them all together
Little pills, pretty little pills
Send me to sleep forever
My Dying Wish...I just want to cry,My Dying Wish...1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
To give up;
I hide my scars,
Yet I want them to be seen.
That way I'll be confronted;
Instead of having to speak up.
I want people to know.
But I don't want help.
I want, just, want people to say goodbye.
To agree with me.
That won't happen.
I'm helpless to myself,
And those around me.
Isn't there anything I can do?
To stop feeling so bad?
How did it begin today?
I Cut myself.
How did I go from good to bad?
I wanted to isolate myself.
How did I fall so bad?
Because how can I not be sad.
My bullies are sleep and comfort.
Torting me. Confusing me. Mocking me.
Laughing at me. Laughing at my scars.
My stupid way to escape the days.
I feel pain.
I feel anger.
I feel lost.
I feel hurt.
I feel worry.
I feel happiness.
I feel hatred.
I feel fatigue.
I feel drunk.
I feel depressed...
I have to cry and deal with it; cut myself and deal with it. Because the world won't allow my dying wish:
It's not talked about much.It's not talked about much.It's not talked about much.10 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
Or if it is, it's a joke or something.
It's seen and misconcepted.
But more people than you think do it.
I found out two people who I knew did it.
Also having done it myself.
Even the reasons people do it aren't always correct.
Sometimes the reason gets lost with the person themselves as they get tangled up.
It's something I've always supported.
Somethimg I'm awefully hypocritical about...
Awesome HugToday I needed a hug.Awesome Hug11 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
But had no one there.
I needed a hug so much,
There wouldn't have been a hug spare.
I'll still need a hug.
Because I've told you all that's caused me pain.
An hour long hug.
Because I need to store it in my memory, incase I need a hug again.
Even though you haven't replied.
Normally I'd wonder.
But I don't mind tonight.
As I was about to lie.
But you caught me before I could.
How could I lie to you?
I knew you'd make this harder than it should.
Day 107School stress is not a good mixture with suicidal thoughts.Day 1079 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
Today has be amazing but I've now in a load of shit.
I got a C. And a B. and I can't help but feel shit.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Two people asked about my bruise on my leg.
So two lies I've said.
Maybe I should just give up?
I helped a friend today because she was stressed, and worried.
Locked herself in the toilets.
I had to help.
I couldn't not help.
Because the way I am and how unstable my shit is.
I could very well be in that locked toilet.
Could be tomorrow?Could be a month?
Only I'd either be there with a badge or a blade.
Or my fist or nail.
Or a plastic bag. And hoodie chord.
Nah. Not the plastic bag. Not the hoodie chord.
Because I couldn't' do that in school.
It would spread like wildfire.
But the rest could be true.
Anyway due to helping a friend.
Well I forgot to find out about my exam tomorrow.
Then last lesson waiting for shitty results.
I stayed with my friend for support.
But no I forgot to get my pen drive
How?I was saying I felt depressed.How?10 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
I was using glass to stratch myself for a while.
I had suicidal thoughts.
I drew butterflies.
I felt alone and abandoned.
How did I not click that I had depression until August 2012...
How is it that... I told my friend, which is ment to being a good thing.
Lead on to cutting...
How did telling most of my friends...
Lead to a set date?
How did telling someone... seeking help...
change that set date by a month?
How did nearly 2 month of no cutting...
Just made me hate myself more?
My Week...I...My Week...10 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
I don't know where to start.
I've been feeling very alone.
I've been feeling physically ill.
Head rushes, stomach aches, headaches...
Maybe my body is finally giving up.
I've had such bad urges and wants to self harm.
And that constant feeling of wanting to die,
It never goes away.
I just get distracted...
I've been paranoid and anxious,
after being in the house for two days.
Scrubbing my hands and freaking out about complete strangers.
I haven't been sickened by my day or feelings.
I've been cold and in need of energy.
Food has comforted me in the final days of the week.
I haven't seen a single friend.
Nor had a good conversation.
The whole week has been a weird concoction of a black goo,
With flecks of fake 'old times' and sugar sponcered mania.
I've been trapped and drained.
I can't relax.
My wrists are chained with self control.
Only a lip and a scab to pick at.
I have no energy to pull away from these chains either.
Well, not eno
I Give Up.I give Up.I Give Up.11 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
I'll go find a hole and die.
I don't know how.
Maybe I'll just rot away.
I need to just get away from my brain.
My suffocating thoughts and problems.
Maybe if I run away?
I rely on people too much.
I wish I didn't.
Because, I owe them more than the pain I could give them.