I'm Still LaughingIt really is quite funny.
How one second I'm in tears,
over how I don't know whether to live or die.
Then I'm making cruel cruel jokes about when I'm going to commit suicide.
I am true bitch.
An total shit.
I had a nap.
And woke up in the shittest mood.
Made me spill shit.
Then depressed and angry and pissed at myself.
Then fucking alone. Because I depend on my friends and have to talk 24/7 with them.
I have wanted to die for the past, what 4 months.
Full on poof, ding, pop, boom, gone.
But it's only resently I reaslised I'm too much of a parnoid piece of crap to kill myself.
No I'd have to go out and do everything under the sun and cross my fingers and hope to die.
That reminds me of my lastest joke-
"How are you?"
"Yes, cross my fingers and hope to die."
Its funny isn't it?
The world is funny, my laugh is funny.
Haters are fucking hilarious.
Please! Stop my sides are spilting.
As for you sunshine, thank you for confusi
Please Kindly Leave My Brain"LEAVE ME ALONE!"Please Kindly Leave My Brain2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
That's what I want to say.
I don't mean it.
I need you.
That's what I say.
I don't mean it.
I'm dying from the inside out.
Feel like shit... again...
"I'm just not hungry,"
Which is true. But with a deeper meaning...
I'll starve my body into death.
"I'm sure I'll live,"
Please don't say that.
What if your not sure?
You die. I die.
That's the situation.
How can I be happy, If I know you're not?
I need you're hugs too much...
Hell Doesn't Even KnowI want to cry so much...Hell Doesn't Even Know2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
Maybe I'm happy,
Maybe I'm sad.
I feel so alone,
Yet I've been with people all day.
I feel so unloved,
Yet I know I have people who love me.
I can't talk about these feelings.
I can't open up when the door is locked.
And the key is lost.
I want to inspire,
But I just recieve empathy.
I want to die,
But I keep on breathing.
I feel so confused, lost and all alone.
The feelings inside me are too strong for my body.
I don't want someone to understand.
I want someone to give me the answers to why I am like this.
And a solution to fix the massacre inside me...
Words.../////////////Warning/////////// TriggersWords...2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
I have no words to say.
I haven't got the will to.
I haven't got the will to say the words.
I haven't got a clue what to do........
Starving myself to death is a long way...
But thoughts of death run down the drain with the blood from my cuts.
The pain has washed over my days for weeks. Months. Years.
It never goes.
I have no way to help myself.
Nor can I save those around me.
As I try to stop someone from touching the flame. I burn myself.
We both burn ourselves.
Should we just estinguish life?
Is that what we should be doing?
I don't understand as messed up as they are how can they not want me to to be so like this?
If they are saying and agreeing it how can they babble positive vile?
How can they tell me I’m going to be okay when they don’t want to be okay themselves?
I can’t do it.
I am in the same position as those around me. I reflect and worry what they are feeling.
I can’t tell them things will be b
I don't know who I am anymore.I don't know who I am anymore.I don't know who I am anymore.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
A person who wants to kill herself.
But wants to cry and then wants to laugh.
Who makes a joke about cutting.
But then gets triggered by the word cut.
Who over analysises ever thing.
Who dreams pathetic dreams.
Who hasn't got the courage to do anything.
Who disobeys her plan not to talk about her feelings.
Who gets so jealous if others have it worse off.
That's why she complains.
But she shouldn't. Complaining stops her being the worst off.
She planned to give up on love.
But couldn't even do that.
Who can control her anger.
But doesn't want to because it pains her soul.
She planned to commit suicide.
But she probably won't have the guts.
Who freaks out, reseaching about bipolar.
Who doesn't care about anyone.
And if she does she's helpless and worried and scared.
Who wished to be reckless and stupid in ways to get way.
But everything she does just makes it harder eacher day.
My Week...I...My Week...2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
I don't know where to start.
I've been feeling very alone.
I've been feeling physically ill.
Head rushes, stomach aches, headaches...
Maybe my body is finally giving up.
I've had such bad urges and wants to self harm.
And that constant feeling of wanting to die,
It never goes away.
I just get distracted...
I've been paranoid and anxious,
after being in the house for two days.
Scrubbing my hands and freaking out about complete strangers.
I haven't been sickened by my day or feelings.
I've been cold and in need of energy.
Food has comforted me in the final days of the week.
I haven't seen a single friend.
Nor had a good conversation.
The whole week has been a weird concoction of a black goo,
With flecks of fake 'old times' and sugar sponcered mania.
I've been trapped and drained.
I can't relax.
My wrists are chained with self control.
Only a lip and a scab to pick at.
I have no energy to pull away from these chains either.
Well, not eno
Do you ever feel like...Do you ever feel like...Do you ever feel like...1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
You have no energy to get up and walk to the other side of your room.
You wake up in the morning and would beg to go back to sleep.
You would storm out of a classroom screaming, crying and swearing- if stupid questions like "what's wrong? What happened?" (or being screamed at) weren't asked after.
You cry. You cry. And You cry.
People don't like me - That's what you think.
People don't care. Don't love. Don't want.
The second you find a problem you can't fix or control yourself.
Bitch. You are a bitch. Ugly bitch. Fat. Stupid. Mean. Heartless. Selfish.
SHUT UP! FUCK THE HELL OFF! - you can't control your thoughts.
The second you get annoyed at someone. "I HATE YOU!" But you don't.
You hate yourself.
You think about where you could be, would be, wouldn't be.
You think about death and wonder about death.
You think about cancer and all those illnesses out there.
You store everything about death- suicide- in your head like a cabinet file.
You can stare off into the
made me this wayFor too longmade me this way2 years ago in Personal More Like This
You lied to me
For too long
You made me
Im walking away
When you ask others
Ask about how
I have changed
It was you
Who made me this way
The Layers of SkinShe laughs out loud.The Layers of Skin2 years ago in Concrete Poetry More Like This
Talking to herself.
She doesn't care though.
This girl is surrounded with her friends.
Happy with her life.
She can't cope with the stress.
Stress of work.
Stress of life.
Then the feeling that all of these other feelings simmer to eventually.
She wants to scream.
She wants to shout.
She wants to let it all out.
But her anger she must bury.
Otherwise a rampage of spilling out swear words and other vile.
Out of control, reckless and stupid.
Not thinking of consequences.
So look emotionless.
Or 'in a mood' as they call it.
She hates her anger.
She hates her thoughts and feelings.
She hates her looks.
She hates herself.
That's what guilt whispers in her ears.
She tries not to infront of people.
She sobs herself to sleep.
She can't help.
She has no hope.
Confusion eats away at her brain.
You and MeI like how we're alike.You and Me2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
We both like tea.
We both suck at my maths homework.
We both like psycology.
We both have self harmed.
We both think we act like a twelve year old.
We both struggle.
We both have been the eldest and know how to look after a hundred children.
But we also aren't
You like screamo. I like most music except screamo.
You like hugs. I only like your hugs.
You can cheer me up in like a second. I'm shit at cheering people up in general.
You don't write poems. I always writing poems.
You're in college. I'm in High School.
I used to know you. But then I changed.
I built a wall. I hid away.
Thank you for climbing over the wall.
But good luck with making me climb over to the rest of the world....
LostDark Room.Lost1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
I can't see.
But I try.
But I cry.
No I don't.
I don't want to admit it.
I can't and I'll regret it.
I'm all over the place.
But I'm heavy.
I'm full of emotion.
And I can't get it out.
And the ones that work I can't do.
I don't know what I need.
But I want you.
How?I was saying I felt depressed.How?2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
I was using glass to stratch myself for a while.
I had suicidal thoughts.
I drew butterflies.
I felt alone and abandoned.
How did I not click that I had depression until August 2012...
How is it that... I told my friend, which is ment to being a good thing.
Lead on to cutting...
How did telling most of my friends...
Lead to a set date?
How did telling someone... seeking help...
change that set date by a month?
How did nearly 2 month of no cutting...
Just made me hate myself more?
Whisper GoodbyeSay "Hello."Whisper Goodbye1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
And whisper "Goodbye."
Hug me really tight.
Don't ask me why.
Talk aloud to me.
Share with me your smile.
Hold my hand in yours.
Just for a while.
Attack me with tickles.
And poke my nose.
Wrap me in your arms.
And hold me close.
I'll let you fall asleep.
I'll send a goodnight kiss,
To keep you safe and sound.
I'm broken and unfixed.
I know you will hate,
Having me around.
Sit with me in silence.
And play with my hair.
Text me when you're down.
I am always there.
Don't worry about me.
Don't dwell about if I'm gone.
Just give me some love.
And I'll try to hold on...
I Don't KnowI don't know what to do.I Don't Know1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
I don't how I feel.
My moods change so much- I can't describe it.
I can't explain anything.
I can't see a logical reason.
I can't keep trying to figure it out.
It's not bipolar.
It's not depression. Not all the time.
I have anger.
I have anxity.
I have self hate.
I have stress.
I have happiness.
I have hyperness.
I have depression.
I have suicidal thoughts.
I have hurt myself.
I can't explain it.
There are time when I think. Oh My God. I'm so depressed. I wanted was thinking of suicide. I was walking home so depressed. I sobbed my eyes out. Then was... Okay.
And then there are times when I think. How could I have thought like that? How could I want to die?
And then other times when I just think of death. Of depression, of every mental illness and try figure out.
Other times I think. Killing myself. Please. I give up. I can't even do that. I can't even starve myself. I can't even...I can't even... that's what is for everything.
Then other days I think. Bitch. Fu
Between You and Me.I never believed you,Between You and Me.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
I only wanted to.
Lying back to back
I was counting your breaths
to make sure your lack of
didn't leave you
Like a ghost
the fading memories of your touch
what I was trying to forget.
Oh, why did I give it up to you?
I know it's my fault.
My expectations were greater than
what you were willing to offer,
and I got scared.
I tried shutting you out,
to gather myself together
behind a shield of apathy,
but only ended up in
Your kiss never tasted as
as the last time
I made love to you...
i miss you...I sit here in this rain,i miss you...2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
Thinking of you.
But no matter how long I wait on this bench,
You will never meet me here.
I’ve got on my best dress, my cane,
Even that old bowler hat you always liked,
And I wait at the bench where we first met.
But you will never meet me here again.
I lean on my cane in front of me,
Thinking of you,
Day 107School stress is not a good mixture with suicidal thoughts.Day 1072 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
Today has be amazing but I've now in a load of shit.
I got a C. And a B. and I can't help but feel shit.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Two people asked about my bruise on my leg.
So two lies I've said.
Maybe I should just give up?
I helped a friend today because she was stressed, and worried.
Locked herself in the toilets.
I had to help.
I couldn't not help.
Because the way I am and how unstable my shit is.
I could very well be in that locked toilet.
Could be tomorrow?Could be a month?
Only I'd either be there with a badge or a blade.
Or my fist or nail.
Or a plastic bag. And hoodie chord.
Nah. Not the plastic bag. Not the hoodie chord.
Because I couldn't' do that in school.
It would spread like wildfire.
But the rest could be true.
Anyway due to helping a friend.
Well I forgot to find out about my exam tomorrow.
Then last lesson waiting for shitty results.
I stayed with my friend for support.
But no I forgot to get my pen drive
YesterdayYesterday, life seemed to be goingYesterday2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
In every direction
With many up and downs
Still to be considered perfection
No thoughts of growing up
Only had you in my vision
No responsibility or worries
About making a bad decision
It was so perfect..wasn't it?
Just laying in the grass
Holding on to your hand
Just watching the days pass
Yesterday was magical
There was happiness and bliss
Only breaking silence
When we gasped after a kiss
We never needed words
Everything could be felt with just a touch
The caressing of your skin
Told you I needed you so much
Was yesterday prefect only for me?
Was I enjoying it by myself?
Tell me why did I have to catch you
Sleeping with somebody else
Giving him that smile
Lipstick painting your lips red
Did you forget all about us
As you slid into his bed?
Yesterday is long gone
Today is filled with much remorse
I tried to numb the pain with liquor
But it seemed to only make it worse
Today is filled with memories
That I wish I could forget
Every second spent togethe
Why Do You Do This?Why do you do all of thisWhy Do You Do This?2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
You stain your wrists
You cry all the damn time
You slip when you try to climb
You're in all this pain
Putting that blade to a vein
You dig it in, but not too deep
For now, that price is too steep
But will the day eventually come
A day when you are so very numb
That the price isn't too high
And you give up the will to try
God forbid that day should arrive
I want you to be happy and alive
Yet I freak out when you aren't there
Don't make me feel loss and despair
I'm sorryWhen you tore my heart outI'm sorry2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
And threw it to the ground
That laughed at me
I reached out
To touch you
And you shattered
I know why too
It's because you were
And you thought that
If you accepted
Then everything would crash
But as it turns out
You were wrong
Because when I reached out
And you rejected me
All on your own
I pick up
Now I'll have to
Buy a new mirror
Nobody Told MeNobody told me,Nobody Told Me2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
How to act.
I wish I knew how much was too much,
or when too little was not enough.
If somebody told me,
that the small things meant the most,
and the big things were forgettable;
Where would I be today?
Nobody told me,
Who to love.
What came of the people I knew
and who were the people I would have known?
If somebody told me,
that I HAD the perfect person,
or that I am with the wrong one;
Would I be able to live with myself?
Nobody told me,
How to feel.
Is what I am feeling right or wrong,
and which should I act upon?
If somebody told me,
that I was being overly obsessive,
or that I shouldn't have let go:
Would I be the same person I am now?
Nobody told me...
...and I'm not sure if I'd want to know the answers.
Destroy MeHe was beautiful.Destroy Me1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
Scars and all.
She was beautiful.
Scars and all.
Their love was undefiable.
There was no way to explain it.
They held hands as they walked,
Arm to arm,
Neither tried to stop nor help the other.
How could they?
Hypocrite wouldn't be the word.
But they comforted each other and did what ever the other asked them to do.
If she was upset and ready to relapse.
He hand her a red pen and kiss her on her forehead.
If he was close to punching himself.
She'd kiss his hand and hand him a stress ball.
They both listened as they spilled there feelings.
As they sobbed.
They shared sleepless nights lying together.
It didn't matter how much they felt like they didn't have purpose.
They need to love the other so that they were loved.
They both tried to fight together.
Support each other with whatever happened.
They were both beautiful.
So beautiful broken,
That their shattered peices,
fallen together created something bigger than when they were whole.
Don'tDon't smile in my faceDon't2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
Just to frown at my back
Don't speak kind words
Just to snicker at my failure
Don't laugh with me
Just to scoff at my happiness
Don't say you're with me
Just to abandon me in the end
Don't say you're my friend
quiet girls in lovesilence has always been my first lover.quiet girls in love2 years ago in Letters More Like This
she crept into the void of my mind when
i was sleeping and never left me alone.
we kissed for hours without touching.
i could taste the ethereal mint in her breath,
the smooth ghostliness in her breathing trapped
under the sheets for hours after she was gone.
i found her again in walls, in days spent alone.
i have never felt more alone than when i knew
that she was there to hold my hand.
i never knew how to love her back.
but i always knew that i wanted to.
I KnowI know what you really think of meI Know2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
I know you want me gone
I know whenever my mouth opens you cringe
I know you think I’m stupid
I know you wish I would die
I know people hate me
I know I’m really stupid
I know I don’t get you
I know you don’t get me
I know you wish we really never met
And I’m sorry...