I'm leaving,At least for a little while.I'm leaving,2 years ago in Personal More Like This
I'm not okay. And I'm tired of pretending that I am. I'm telling you all this because I love you, and you have all been there for me when no one else has.
I apologize for the way I've been acting the last few weeks. I think there might be something very wrong with me, like my serotonin levels, or my hormones are all out of wack or something. I'm not a doctor, so I'm not going to try and diagnose myself. But I just wanted you all to know that I am sorry, and that I am going to be seeking help. And this is why I am taking a hiatus.
Because crying all the time and wanting to die, that's not normal. That's not me. I'm slipping into this vicious cycle of depression and sever self harm, and I'm scared.
I want to get better, so I'm going to try.
UPDATE: So, um--I honestly don't know how to go about helping myself, or getting help. I tell my family how I'm feeling and I think, "Wow, this is going to be okay." at first. And then
My thought process.…The more I browse my own Facebook wall, the more I realize how random as fuck my thought process is:My thought process.2 years ago in Personal More Like This
Literally, I go from Mufasa to Russel Brand in the span of a few minutes. Whattttt.
I love myself sometimes. <3
For future reference,I write from personal experience.For future reference,2 years ago in Personal More Like This
I don't write for you, I write for myself.
Every piece takes a part of me with it.
If you don't like the bloody mess
my words leave behind,
I love this site, I love my followers.
But, I have never wanted to leave this site more then I do right now.
I can't take all this negative attention and controversy my writing brings to the surface.
Update: I'm not leaving, I just feel like I have to really watch what I say. And I shouldn't have to feel this way.
I shouldn't have to censor myself. And I wont, for anyone.
I feel like Wednesday Addams.So this happened today during a medical class.I feel like Wednesday Addams.2 years ago in Personal More Like This
Classmate: My boyfriend throws chocolate at me.
Me: I can look at people and get angry.
*class gets quiet and the girl next to me visibly scoots away*
Let me love you.Today I talked with a woman who's daughter I knew since we were kids. This girl was always introverted, really shy. And half the time I figured people didn't even notice she was there. But I noticed. We became this awkward sort of 'friends' our sophomore year of high school all the way up to graduation.Let me love you.2 years ago in Personal More Like This
Her mother told me today that she is still backwards and pretty awkward around people but she's getting better. I assured her that I tried to bring her daughter out of her shell, and she smiled and said to me, "Oh I know—she talked about you everyday after school. Kayla did this, Kayla said that. Kayla brought me into this prank…"
( Sidenote: We taped printed out pictures of kittens all over our history teachers classroom.)
I always figured she thought I was annoying and merely put up with me.
But now, all I can think is, "Wow—someone thought I was awesome enough to tell the closest people to them about. MEEEEE."
I am nothing special but this ma
December faves, review and New Years wishesA new year is born ... and a good pretense to write a new journal.December faves, review and New Years wishes2 years ago in Personal More Like This
The fireworks sounds and becomes silent, we recapitulate...our successes and mistakes.
We prepare for the next, the new and the unknown after this festal cheers! We make resolutions,
oil our sledges for the upcoming winter and write solemn journals.
We have just a moment of reflection until it goes straight forward to our next adventures
And this is what i wish you all for 2014!
Enjoy your life, do things you never done before
but wished to do, change, learn, hazard - for the amazing new year that you all deserve!
I'm not a man of many words so here are some of my
My Stock In Yuor Art. Part 10 by darkconjurer by caddmanMy Stock In Yuor Art. Part 102 years ago in Personal More Like This
by FABRYKING61 by MariaBeloArt
by KiyaSama by lightandnight-art
I am sorry...I am sorry for the reupload of , but it seems like someone reported my picture without any reason... I will contact dA about it, because this happened quite a few times to me and my sis.. its just a really unfair thing!! Please dont do that again, whoever it was! The dA staff can actually figure out who it was! It makes me really sad, cause I put a lot of effort in my work!I am sorry...3 years ago in Personal More Like This
And to everyone else: I am sorry for the inconvenience.. ^^' I would be so happy if you would fav this again, if you like! ^^ Thank you for your support!
Ahhh and in other news: The winners of my little muro drawing contest (previous journal) will be announced tomorrow! Stay tuned for it and enter fast for your chance of being featured and winning points!
Zombie drag queens and roadkill.Well, last night I went to Stonewall, a gay bar a couple hours out of where I live. The night was good until someone started drinking too much. Dx ( it wasn't me. ) I enjoyed the drag queens, and I met Mike Wazowski! I went as a cat, here is a pic:Zombie drag queens and roadkill.2 years ago in Personal More Like This
( before I painted on the whiskers and nose )
I danced, I drank a little. I had a good time.
But, on the way back, after we got some fast food, we were going 70 down the highway when a deer jumped out of nowhere and we crashed head on. The car is totaled. An airbag smacked me in the side of the head and then I smacked my head off the front passenger seat. Ouch. I'm okay, didn't need to go to the hospital or anything. However I woke up sore this morning and everything just kind of aches and I can't focus very well. Also I lost my ears. I think they fell off when the airbag attacked me. :/
Anyway, on a better note: I was featured in this mornings paper!
I feel like I could sleep for an entire year, so I'm going to go try and do that. Love
All the best in 2015.The past year was bad for many people.All the best in 2015.11 months ago in Personal More Like This
May the new one be better.
Last Honor for a recently passed away deviantHello there fello friends, watchers and deviants...Last Honor for a recently passed away deviant3 years ago in Deviant Events More Like This
One week ago was a sad day for the family of :iconkram666: and the deviant community.
He passed away at the age of only 48. Him who was so dedicated to digital art will never leave anyone of us a comment or reply to those given to him. He will never again fill our inboxes with his colorful fractals or cute photos of the foxes.
But even if his body has passed away - he will stay alive within us and within the art in his gallery.
I'm sure that he is somewhere where he can still appreciate our support of his art, so this is my hommage to a wonderful artist AND his family.
With heartfelt condolences,
eremite by kram666pendulum by kram666
orange snap by kram666:thumb
Too CuteMy Son sent me this video. It's amazing how quick these puppies respond to the singing. I think music and sound are very powerful in their effect on us. I wonder if the intention of the creator of the music has an effect on the outcome?Too Cute3 years ago in Personal More Like This
I try to observe the effect on my body system and emotions on a whole after listening to music. I listen to all sorts of genres but have listened to a lot of metal over the years.
Nowadays some of it is too jarring to my system but others still work really well. I've gone through my files and playlisted everything that enhances body and mood.
R.I.P Kram666 (Mark)I have found out that a dear friend, kram666, has passed on. I literally feel like curling into a ball and crying the rest of the night. I didn't know him very well, but he was one of the first people to welcome me to dA and the fractal community and had continued to supprt me and my work. I loved to see his comments with the smileys, peace signs and pot plants. He was truly one of the friendliest people I have met on here, and it was easy to feel like I have known him a long time. He was just like that.R.I.P Kram666 (Mark)3 years ago in Personal More Like This
Many of you know him for his beautiful fractal work and the photos of his beautiful foxes, Roxy, Ronnie and Rocky. His family said that they would keep his page open in his memory, and I encourage all to visit his page and offer his family what little comfort we can give them, they will be needing it at this time.
R.I.P. Mark, you will be very dearly missed
Artists, who inspire meHeyy my watchers!Artists, who inspire me3 years ago in Personal More Like This
I just love dA and all it's super awesome and talented artists, so I thought I should share the ones, which inspired and still inspire me the most. So, here we go:
1. :iconarvalis: Lately he has been my greatest inspiration, because I kinda have a Pokemon-nostalgia-flashback the last days.. ^^ haha and I love his realistic Pokemon art so much. My favs by him:
2. :iconsandara: She has been my big rolemodel since I joined dA. Her fantasy art is so amazing and atmospherical and I learned a lot by studying her art and her tutorials! My favourite pieces by her:
3. :iconsakimichan: She is blessed with a talent beyond believing. She inspired me to draw more humans, which I didn't like back in the days. I love her art so much, she has such great concepts and I love her style to death!! My favs:
4. :iconyuumei: Yuumei is
Thank you, my watchersThis week I reached a DA milestone which is called "a 100th watcher", hahah. I think this is a good moment to thank all of you, my dear watchers (by putting some of my favourite works of yours into this journal entry), for your kind attention; especially you, who used to regularly support me during my DA existence. I apologise for not informing you individually that you've been featured. If you still watch me, you'll see.Thank you, my watchers2 years ago in Personal More Like This
[in random order]
klemmaborgari by LovieLovetree Broken dream by kriskeleris
On my way home by Nanatei Ruins in the mist by Tonyhall666 My Winter Wonderland by ScreamingPony
Bientot l'ombre ... by gradation-of-despair A Great Mass of Death by madstalfos Cat Base by LunaBiene
Special thanks to
:iconsidh-art: who watches me from the very b
Holy Inspiration, Batman!Hip-hip-hurrah! Thanks to a wee epiphany I had about what I want to do with my future, my creativity is starting to break the winter ice and come flooding back.Holy Inspiration, Batman!3 years ago in Personal More Like This
What was this lovely epiphany you ask? I finally came up with an idea for my future that EXCITES me. Not just makes me shrug and go "Yeah, it wouldn't make me want to commit suicide, and it would probably pay the bills." But something that actually EXCITES me. I've decided to take a two year business administration course at the local college. In the second year you can pick a concentration of business admin to go into. I'm thinking I'll go into the marketing concentration. After graduating, I'll use that diploma to help me find a job that will fund going through the Textiles and the Fashion Design courses at one of the big art schools in the city. After a few years experience (and some serious fund-saving/loan getting), I'm going to start my own clothing line aimed at women aged 12(ish)-50+ who are plus sized, busty or a combi
mind dumpI don't know why I like to reflect on my past as often as I do. Over Christmas break I was sorting through old floppies (does anyone even know what those are anymore? ) and essentially dumping all of those files onto my computer so they could be used to future art projects. I came across very old photos, as expected, of my childhood.mind dump3 years ago in Personal More Like This
I saw photos from just before I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease - skinny as a rail, sickly looking. Yet, I was happy. I wasn't an unhappy child by any means, really, except maybe when dumb boys underestimated my skills on the soccer field. I looked normal, and cute if I may say so myself. I had the cutest boy in school crushing on me at the time.
The really strange thing is, once I started on all these medications and steroids (which puffed me up like a balloon and made me gain a ton of weight), I still felt like the same girl even though I looked like some super-obese clone of myself. I don't have any memory of my friends or people in my class
Great DocumentaryI found this great documentary if you have time to spare. It's about galaxies, planets and life. It contains lots of lovely graphics and information. I'm not sure about all the theories they state, some almost as though concrete fact but they're probably right. Very good watch.Great Documentary3 years ago in Personal More Like This
Summarised from the journal of :iconbibora::
There are hackers on DA with the usernames
"neomoti" and "lilsweetmandee"
They will comment on one of your deviations or journal :
IF YOU PRESS THE LINK IT WILL SHOW YOU A LOGIN WEBPAGE OF DEVIANTART
DO NOT LOG IN!!
IT HACKS YOU!!
PLEASE SHARE THIS ON YOUR PAGES!!!
I will be leaving dA for two years..Hey my awesome watchers and friends!I will be leaving dA for two years..3 years ago in Personal More Like This
Well, yes, like the title says, I will be leaving dA for two years as of the 18th of April, so in about a week. This is a tough decision, as dA has become an important part of my life, because I am actually trying to build up a living with my art. But you should know, that I am a Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.. ) and I am 18, close to 19, so I am going on a mission. That means I will be going to the Alpine region (Switzerland, Austria, South-Germany) and talk to the people about what I believe in. You have to know, that this is something I carefully considered and I have a strong belief in God and so I want to share the joy my religion has brought me. The mission will be for two years and I wont have the time to upload any art to dA. My sister PixieCold will keep you up to date through journals on my page here, so you know what I am doing and how my life is going!
Please, if you disagree with
*Smack*Ah yes, what a strange title...*Smack*3 years ago in Personal More Like This
For someone like me,
(who you probably know as kind and interesting),
This must seem a very strange beginning.
Well, as I've been saying a lot lately, I'm trying to be more open...
About my religious stands mostly.
As I've said before, I realize not everyone believes what I do- I get it.
It's not like I'm condemning people who don't believe the same.
I'd just like to start sharing more testimonies, to try to show people what is really me.
And why, oh why, would a religious type journal be titled "smack"?
....Well to smack the devil of course!!!
I was born to a drug addict on February 2nd. She didn't really care about me, apparently. She smoked and drank and a whole bunch of other stuff without wondering what this could do to me.
Well, turns out my kidneys didn't function, and my bladder wouldn't work either. On top of that, I was addicted to Cocaine. Yep, it happens.
At the age of four months, I was finally put into a foster home. My parents wou
Painting tutorial - AeolianHi hi, just made a text tutorial , I'll make more like this if you guys like it!Painting tutorial - Aeolian1 month ago in Personal More Like This
Time for FlamepacksTime for Flamepacks3 years ago in Personal More Like This
.:: As this is a fractal Journal, it is for users of Xyrus-02's Apophysis 7x and thargor6's JWildfire only. The information in this Journal is useless otherwise ::.
Since I said I would, I'm going to be putting together more flamepacks from my flame files. Below is a collection [of collections] of fractals that could be posted on dA as small flamepacks. If any of the below would be useful to you, please comment. I just don't feel it would matter for me to post them if nobody's gonna use them, as that would be pointless.
Focal Flamepack ::.
A group of fractals focusing primarily on the falloff variation.
| | | | |
Fringe Flamepack ::.
A group of fractals derived from the "Synapsis" fractal.
| | | | |
Royalty Flamepack ::.
A group of fractals derived from the "Royal Garden" fr
Catching UpI haven't written a journal on dA in nearly three months, that's just unheard of!Catching Up3 years ago in Personal More Like This
I have three exciting things to fill you in on!
1. My summer was the most fantasticamazingwonderfulbreathtakingunforgettable summer I've ever had. Kinda difficult to reflect on it all now. I kept up with a blog over the summer (click!) so you can check that out if you're interested. I filled almost every entry with at least a dozen photos, so I think you all would enjoy it.
2. As of yesterday, it has officially been 1 year since I began my weight loss journey (click!). As of today, I have lost 67 pounds, just 3 pounds shy of my goal. I am ecstatic and I feel amazing - definitely don't mind the extra attention from guys, either. Just kidding, guys don't even give me a second look. Here's my before and after photo.