pale blue.no-one should ever have to spend so much time focusing on
trying their damnedest not to self sabotage.
but the ache of january was too well known to ignore
even when it wasn't there
for years in a row
it still lingered
in the way of old bruises
and silvered scars
that she thought of tearing open
to see if something was still trapped inside
something to unleash.
even if it would destroy everything
cause the ocean leaves traces
of wherever its been
with salt haze
or dark lines marking depth
but she was okay with the salt
and naturally cleans
so even if she chokes
and stops breathing
it won't hurt.
simple math.it was the strangest thing to be complaining about, not likingsimple math.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
feeling -this- human. feeling so fucking vulnerable and exposed, and not
understanding anything that is going on but knowing that its actually
just chemicals that we’ve given names too
and far too fucking weak to handle the tidal wave of shitty chemical reactions you
bring with you.
32you were gone before it even sank in that you were really there.322 years ago in Stories & Vignettes More Like This
habit is the worst thing, cause it made me so blind to the fact that you could
just as easily be snatched away from me.
i should have hugged you at least four more times
i've spent the better half of a year being your definition of evil and insane
at the same time. i've known better than everything i've done, but done it
anyway. god knows i've repeated the same tedious/dangerous/stupid
actions over and over wanting/expecting different results.
you wouldn't be proud of me for anything anymore.
but i'm still mad at you, i'm sure of it. if you waded through the
rising tides, or peeled away my blue like old house paint, you'd find something
that screams how you broke everything inside me. and how you were one single event
that taught me that just cause something ends, that doesn't mean its over.
and that i will waste every single change given to me.
the only thing you ever told me that i listened to, was to rest occasionally.
quietly.i lost track how many times i told you those damned things would kill you. that they would set your insides on fire and burn you alive. or the smoke would seep into your blood and bones and stain you with the faintest taste of lingering death. but god dammit i don't know why i didn't notice it earlier, that was the entire fucking point of the, wasn't it? maybe not in the beginning, but the 5th year in, or after he skipped town and left you speechless each one was a tiny suicide, a quiet, unseen death. each packet held 10 days off your life, maybe more, and they're so much less conspicuous than a gun or a sudden addiction to painkillers.quietly.2 years ago in Stories & Vignettes More Like This
waste.distance is the worst thing everwaste.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
and i think
'if these people were closer, everything would
just be so much better'
but then i stop
and remember all the people in my town
who i barely see
and the thought
to the same place
he's my bottom
my rock bottom
003its easier to say0032 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
"i'm fine, just tired"
than explain the water rising
when really they just asked out of politeness
and don't -actually- care.
039i spent 3.50 on this coffee from some hole in the wall and its not really doing anything to ease me or wake me up from this shaken state i'm stuck in, but its helping my hands keep still or away from trouble.0392 years ago in Stories & Vignettes More Like This
you're avoiding. talk.
the barrister put two sugars instead of one, its too sweet, but i'll drink it anyway. look. i haven't gotten anything spilled on me yet.
god dammit, just stop it. you need to tell me what the fuck happened last night. there was blood on your shoes and you jumped out of your skin when i touch you even the smallest amount. where did you go?
just. out. with. some friends.
you are so full of shit you know that. your right fingers tapping. that's your tell.
well done. i'm still not telling you, cause its not your business.
awake from my dream state.it was a leap of faithawake from my dream state.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
but i wish someone had pushed me
so i had someone to blame
pressure.she was cracked in places only she could feel, and where the blood could only be tasted, and not seen.pressure.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
her lips, fingertips and inside her chest. she learned that there are certain body parts prone to being cut or bruised, and her white laced knees could attest to that. but there comes a time when cutting your leg on the coffee table or pinching your stomach with your belt buckle, isn't an accident anymore. its something more, and you know it is. but you can go so long without ever admitting it to yourself, and even longer for anyone else.
stuck to the back of my throat.yesterday i saw you in cracks of my staircasestuck to the back of my throat.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
and inbetween the pages of my class novel.
you look like hell, and i thought the
darkened circles under your eyes
resembled the colour i think my
love for you would probably be.
its saddening that the thick oxygenated
purple and red mix is kind of like
what i saw once one one
of those anti smoking commercials
spilling forth from a dissected lung.
thats what you are.
you're my personal cancer.
too light.everything around her was grey stained and long faced and even the heavens had broken open and threatened to wash the world away for the great loss. but her heart felt the same. her stomach was tangle-free and her boots weren't any heavier than a normal stupid day. and that was the worst part, she didn't feel different even though everything else was.too light.3 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
she'd always expected the earth would collapse, and her knees would give out and she would be doubled over, stomach twisted and mind numbed. but her insides were still warm and didn't match the grey outside at all. the only weight was the guilt over the lack of actual guilt that she knew she should have been feeling. she wanted to cry, and choke and leave her makeup splattered and smeared like water colour over her face but she just stared blankly, eyes glazed at the people who were dying inside over this loss. the only thing she was feeling was that she was the worst kind of person and that he would have hated her. whic
sleep, as an elephant1.sleep, as an elephant3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
it is strange to see you
older and out of love with me
it is similarly strange to see me
younger and out of love with you.
i want to
throw my arms around your neck
thank you for
leading me to believe in love,
thank you for
showing me what the cock does
when it crows and summons the morning.
thank you for laying in my bed,
breathing my breath.
thank you for laying in my bed,
with your head on my breast
listening to the fluttering
bird in its nest.
thank you for staining my bed-
with your salt, it was blessed.
thank you for leaving my bed,
giving my dreams to its next.
thank you for, out of all the rest,
choosing me as the first, remembering
me with the best.
thank you for june,
and then june again.
thank you for december, and
thank you for the time
that helped me break my body in-
thank you for two ticks
on the wall of not-forever.
thank you for june to june to december.
in a few years,
when you are older still and i am
getting even younger, i want to take
Hands.Maybe the reason why I didn't hold on to your handHands.2 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
was because I knew that as soon as I did,
everything would be real, I would start to fall for you,
because holding onto someone's hand is like begging
someone to take your heart and I just wasn't ready
to be broken again.
calamity.the poor boy got a lecture from deaths secretarycalamity.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
"deaths busy enough as it is without walk ins"
"but it was urgent," he stutters.
"it couldn't wait, it was now or never"
he was simply told
"take a number, and wait over there with the rest
who 'couldn't wait' "
Untitledthings she's destroyed this year;Untitled3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
two washing machines
from the pockets she fills with rocks
when the rains come and she wants to drown
the corners of all her books from flicking
bending and shaking edges
whenever she thinks of you
you stupid boy
her first car
crumpled in a ravine
and it left a scar on her stomach
that she sometimes can poke
and feel a lump that science can't explain
and she thinks it physical sadness
the entire box of plates
that her mother gave her for moving out
and making it on her own
well, she almost made it
but something about them
being under the ground left
her shaking uncontrollably
and the tears slid underneath fingertips
and she lost the grip
and didn't notice until she'd ran to phone
and left a trail of her insides
along the corridor.
her heart lines
or whatever it is that lets the happiness in
they're sealed shut
tight and all she can do is
at things that don't notice her
whatever it was that connected him
and let the sparks
A Liston the back of a graded test (88 and a few red marks) scalded with tea stains and flecks of fennel:A List2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
THINGS I WISH I KNEW
- whether i'm less or more
- what he's thinking when he's
- when i'll find the answers i'm searching for
- if he'll find a better girl in this lifetime
- when i'll figure out that i'm the best i can be
- if he'll ever re-discover me
- when i can finally start living in love and not in fear
Tattooed in My Tear DuctsI don’t know any big wordsTattooed in My Tear Ducts2 years ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
and I don’t drink tea and I haven’t read
all the classics and my hair is a startling
shade of ash blonde, if you’re being
generous. I would call it grey. I will not
impress you. And maybe that’s impressive
enough. You will always get an honest
reaction from me.
My mother drinks tea though,
earl grey, and chai and chamomile,
she thinks it will heal her, make her
sleep. But sleep and healing are not
the same things.
I have run from monsters
to find them in my sleep, and by run
I mean get high, and by monsters,
I mean me. If sleep is a mirror
we are all doomed. I’ve seen myself,
eyes red and raccooned, reaching
for some comfort and I had to explain
that my lips swell when I cry. All I wanted
was for you to say that I look pretty when
I have come to realize two things:
one, that everything I want is not good for me and
two, I am not the worst things I ever did.
I am not the worst things I ever did.
I want this tattooed i
cheap whisky.instead of exchanging numberscheap whisky.4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
we exchanged horror stories
and compared our
[yours down your side
mine up my arms]
when i looked at you from a distance
i thought maybe you could
cut me open with
[but you never were
and your eyes were as empty
as the bottles that we
clutched to gain the silver
that traced our bodies
[but the rest of you was full
you said that there was lead in my veins
and you brought it to the boil
and i sat there burning
with bugs being drawn to me
[my destruction was more beautiful
than i ever could be]
i remember you hit me once
and it stung like cheap vodka
i told you i loved you
and slept for a year
[i wasn't going to be enough tonight
and you weren't interested.]
i know now that god is dead
i tired praying silently
i tried screaming it
until the sun rose again
he wasn't listening]
when i woke
they were all around me
cramming their apologies
down my throat
[i knew then
on what this really means, sweetheartwith little time to takeon what this really means, sweetheart3 years ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
what is mine, there is a small
mouse with strong ears and tired eyes
in its burrow. he tunnels deeper and finds
with each layer removed he is closer to the
center of the earth, it is not something so
just as the milky way does not see new york city
but sees the way that it shines. the galaxy is a gentle garden
made of gelatin, dust, and gulps of god, and gusts, small balls of
cream that roll easy down the intestine and through the bowels revealing:
this is why i am here!- which is no closer to the real
answer to the real question anyway.
just as the great American city does not see the heavens,
but sees the way that they shine.
all answers are questions, too.
all questions are answers, anyway.
the teapot and its steam both containers
the woman is infinite in her expanding power.
the mouse burrows closer to the center
of the earth, his universe is triumphantly
the woman and her man create this similar effect.
what i am talking
for california.for california.3 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
i remember the day you ripped you chest open, and let me peer inside at the darkness and the water rising up to settle in the crook of you neck. you had scribbled it down in notebooks, and i'd heard you howling at 3am when the walls were closing in on you. somehow we both thought running from it was the best solution, never wanting to see it in its full figure, scared it might take me with you. or you with me.
you poured it out in waves, crashing and subsiding but never stopping. i sat, stiller than i'd ever sat before, my hands hovering over your shoulders trying to figure out how to comfort you. how to place my hands on you in such a way that i might be able to keep you together, stop you from splitting open or unraveling. you said you were going face your demons, look them in the eye and tell them to do their worst, do their best to destroy you.
i guess you thought that they couldn't do anything worse than you had done to yourse
the city is my witness.there was a fire, in the pits of her stomach, filling her with warmth that wrapped around bones and flourished on her skin like war paint. it made her fight even when the rain was pouring down on her, like a shower of bullets. it was in there when she was sleeping, making sure that she continued to breath and not let anything take her away from the mission, the war that she was going to win.the city is my witness.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
she had baggage that was heavy, and she was starting to notice it more and more as the years started to change from a trickle to a hurricane force that was threatening to completely destroy her. oceans rising, the flames licking her ribcage, and bones creaking under weights that just kept growing as each month passed.
the flourishes on her skin were becoming darker and less like trophies and more like tiny deaths that she couldn't shake. there were places that were permanently discoloured, angry and sore. the fire gave way to tangled thoughts and a twisted stomach with a constant sinking feeling, a
give it up.- how to guarantee a panic attack in the next 24 hrs -give it up.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
admit out loud how you think you're doing okay, you haven't had a panic attack in at
least three days, and it feels really nice to be calm and in control for once.
- how to sob violently in the cab -
drive through that one street, because yes its shorter, and yes you can
just not look out the window. but come on, did you really think that would work?
- how to sob violently at home -
kid yourself into thinking that you can handle that song/albun/movie/book.
you cant; and you shouldnt. besides, didnt you already tell yourself to toss that out?
11.the internal oceans are more threatening11.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
it makes them cold
and leaves her shaking
right to her core
its okay in summer
but the icy blues
and stark whites
leave her shaken
and scared you'll
slip back inside
trying to warm
but really only intending
don't panicthis is the way i eat continents.don't panic3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
the flicker of the lightbulb right before it bursts,
that sound it makes before the life is taken straight
from its last spark.
let me eat this lightbulb, maybe it will concave my
insides, form my own grand canyon. no tourists
allowed, no pictures please. just let me myself and i
visit it over and over, the only wonder of the world
its encompassing is mine.
taste the way i am digging my pen into this page.
this is me telling the truth, this is when the
dinosaurs became extinct, this is when chernobyl
made her appearance. this is the way world war ii
started this is the off beat sound of the death of mlk
or jfk. this is how i'm crumbling like the twin towers,
call myself the terrorist.