BetterThings are getting better... and it makes me happy.... but today I almost shanked some people. As you may have seen in my recent posts, a good friend of mine recently killed herself... and people at lunch today were like "omg, did you hear about that girl from West Fargo High that killed herself? Gosh that's just so stupid, what kind of horrible person could do that?" and I literally looked up and glared at them and just said "Don't talk about it." And then in Econ the class was talking about it and they (including the teacher!) were all "ya, some chic committed suicide again." and were talking about it... and my friend was just looking at me and I was, believe it or not, tearing up and began crying.... eventually she got the teacher's attention and I told them she was my friend.... the looks on their faces almost made up for it.... almost.... but other than that things have been getting better in general... I think... maybe... we'll see...
"We come to love not by f
Still Missing YouStill Missing You2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
I thought I was past this,
That I was done feeling this way.
But why is it you that I still miss
And think about some days.
It appears you have moved on,
And I thought I did too.
I'm trying to be strong
And figure out what to do.
But I can't stop thinking about it,
Can't help but remember all the fun we had.
A possibility inside my mind has been lit,
And this idea has been driving me mad.
Could there still be a chance for us?
Could we start it up again?
I don't want to leave what we had in the dust,
So what does this mean for us then?
Maybe I should just come right out
And say what has been on my thoughts.
What happened has made me doubt
What I originally thought were my wants.
I miss you.
I miss us.
With these thoughts, I'm not sure what to do.
And I don't know who else to trust.
I can't just go up to my friends and say this,
What would they think about my choices now?
But I can't help what I feel and miss.
I'm still trying to figure out how!
I mean, how can this happen?
How can this
Only Fooling MyselfOnly Fooling Myself2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
Who am I kidding,
It's not gonna turn out.
I mean, what was I thinking?
My idiocy makes me want to shout.
I want to make things like they were,
But now I see that will never happen.
Of his choice, he is so sure.
And my thoughts now flattened.
I still wish I could go back,
Maybe change how it all went down.
Now the past is colored in shades of grey and black,
I must forget, bury everything deep inside the ground.
I'm only hurting myself
By thinking I could make things right.
But this is all just damaging to oneself,
Because nothing can change it, try as I might.
Let's be honest here,
You have moved on to bigger and better things.
Despite all my fear,
I just have to go with what life brings.
It's time to face the fact,
Nothing I say or do will change how he acts.
The only way to stop him from hurting himself
Is for me to suck it up and finally quit fooling myself.
From Fall to FallLife has left me waiting at a cross road,From Fall to Fall2 years ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
the way I wish to go is blocked by it;
like rusting nails, my good will would erode.
For love, a dolorous crown is unfit.
As a stain glass window distorts the light,
so does a loneliness distort my view;
again I seem to disregard my sight,
for the past can say so much more than you.
How often have I cried this same lament?
I stumble, fall to fall, with little grace.
Should I blame your faith for my malcontent?
Each time I turn, I find a dove to chase.
Even though I do not believe the cross,
I still stand crucified by love and loss.
© Benjamin Court, July 2013
A Tree with Very Few BranchesWe spend our existance climbing a tree with very few branchesA Tree with Very Few Branches2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
The first couple of steps are easy and natural
But eventually we must decide which direction to take
There is a simpler path with many more branches
Yet the other path will allow us to ascend higher
Both paths conclude somewhere
And to gain altitude means waiting for a twig to strengthen into a branch
So we wait
Knowing if we test the twig before it is ready it will break
And we may fall back to another level of the tree or to the ground
But still we wait
As time passes we watch as fruit is produced from this tree
Praying that no creature will devour it
But we watch helplessly as small insects slowly rot it from the inside out
Corrupting our perfection
Some try to climb out on the branch to hold on to the fruit
To cradle it in there arms, protecting it from the menaces of the tree
But one cannot hold on to the fruit forever
Eventually the fruit must be put down in order to ascend higher
The twig is now a branch
So onward we
MartyrPlease, if you are hurting,Martyr2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
let me share your pain-
I will ease away your burden,
shield you from the rain.
Please, share with me your fears,
let me hold your hand.
I will wipe away your tears,
and show you how to stand.
Because deep down inside my brain,
I have hidden my own scars;
by helping you, I ease my pain.
and break free from prison bars.
Please, if you are hurting,
let me share your pain-
I will ease away your burden,
shield you from the rain.
© Benjamin Court, July 2013
The WeaknessMy overall weakness has been foundThe Weakness2 years ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
Loving one who can't love me back
Damaged again by life's viscious attack
Now in hopes and dreams I'm bound
I try repeatedly to move past love
But the feeling tends to stay around
Breaking a heart by making it pound
Holding me back with its taunting glove
Maybe love is not meant for me
A thought I'm always reminded of
According to God or whoever's above
Never shall I get the privilege to see
I am trapped in unending desire
Grasping on hope that can never be
All this life shall be cursed with plea
Watching love from behind a wire
I dream the same feeling in you could grow
But maybe it is better not to know
Another LifePeople say we are perfect for one another,Another Life2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
Unaware of how it simply will never be.
It’s true that we share a special connection,
But it simply couldn’t work out between you and me.
Maybe in another life it would be different
And we’d both be happier and smiling.
We’d be inseparable and so into each other,
Every moment would feel like we were flying.
In another life it might work out alright,
But it simply can’t be in this one.
It’s not that kind of thing, we’re just friends.
We smile at the thought, but reality sets in and we’re done.
In this life it’s not possible to be more,
This is as far as our relationship can go.
With this concluding thought,
A small part of me fills up with woe.
This is how life is, no changing it;
It’s just not meant to be that way.
No use thinking or dwelling on it,
This is how it must remain at the end of the day.
Maybe in another life we could be,
But it’s just not meant to be in this one.
Let me be your poem.Let me melt the cold pain from your skin, transform into the sun and heat your hurt––so it evaporates into white clouds of hope that inspires the trees to sway.Let me be your poem.1 year ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
Let me touch you like the first story I've ever read in brail, after deciding to go deaf before letting another sound replace your voice.
Let me shatter every tiny ounce of doubt from your being, using the weight of my love for you–– to demolish it's once relevant place in your thoughts.
Let me carve holes in to the night sky, so you can see how my universe revolves solely around you, making the moon shine bright with jealousy.
Let me fly you to the nearest nebula, so we can finally be as high as this love makes me feel.
Let me drive you crazy like a mirage in a desolate desert, making you crave it so much you imagine it in front of you, dying for a taste.
Let me be the sun to warm you and you can be the rain to cool us down, and we can make the sky blush a million different colours.
Let me be the baseli
Wish I Could Be HonestThey say that the truth will set you free,Wish I Could Be Honest2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
That being honest with everyone is best.
But is this really the better thing to do;
Is it better than keeping it all inside, repressed?
It seems that whenever I’m honest,
It always comes back to hurt me in the end.
Same ending no matter who I talk to,
Whether a love or someone who’s just a friend.
How can this be the better option
If it only brings me heartache and confusion.
Time and time again I try to make it better,
But I always come to the same conclusion.
No need for me to trouble others with the truth,
It’s better for me to just not be fully honest.
I’m sorry for not telling you the truth,
But it’s just better for us all if I remain dishonest.
I'm Terrible.What have I done?I'm Terrible.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
What kind of pain and sadness have I made?
It seems like I hurt everyone
Every time I try to bring them aid.
I spread agony wherever I go,
Causing everyone to ache inside.
Yet when I'm doing it, I don't even know.
Maybe to myself I've even lied.
I don't know what I'm doing,
And I don't know how I'm doing it.
It's all become so misconstruing,
Now an old flame in me has been lit.
I won't talk to anyone,
I won't do anything but school.
This way, no one will be hurt when I'm done.
To do anything else, I'd be a fool.
Just let everyone forget me,
And isolate myself from all of them.
I'll just step back and let them be free
Even if it means I'm condemned.
Evil. Heartless. Cruel. Unfeeling.
This is all I am to the rest of humanity.
My barrier from the world I am now sealing,
I'll just remain alone with my depravity.
Your HappinessYour Happiness2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
How can you worry yourself like you do?
Dealing with burdens that aren't supposed to fall to you.
Why do you blame yourself for everything?
Sadness and worry are all that brings.
You have to learn to live for yourself,
To take your own feelings and desires off the shelf.
Don't worry about me,
You being happy is all I want to see.
So don't waste this precious gift of life,
Move onward and upward away from all this strife.
You only get one shot at this world,
So it's time for your wings to be unfurled.
Don't worry about controlling the rest of us,
And when things don't go well, don't lose trust.
Not everything in our short time here will work out,
But of what you need to do I have no doubt.
Follow your heart and make yourself happy
Because if you don't, your will just feel crappy.
Live your life for yourself,
And I will worry about myself.
Live your life for those who didn't have a chance,
And leave a possibility open for romance.
Not everyone gets to live to tomorrow,
So live your days
A Haiku on RealityIf I would tell youA Haiku on Reality2 years ago in Haiku & Eastern More Like This
The place you have in my heart
You would walk away
A Coat To The ColdEach day we see people in need of aid,A Coat To The Cold2 years ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
and then forget the change we might have made.
if we had stopped and sacrificed our pride-
instead of walking past, stayed alongside.
Never second-guess the thought of kindness,
or hold back from offering forgiveness.
In a heartbeat things can change completely,
and not often do the winds blow sweetly.
So try to always stop and say hello-
You never know how far your words will go.
Not every word will change somebody's life,
but they might help to mitigate their strife.
So give someone your coat if they are cold-
and change a life of pain to one of gold.
© Benjamin Court, July 2013
Let Them In.With my back to the doorLet Them In.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
I can’t help but fall to the floor
Out of breath, out of time
Out of sight, out of my mind
They’re tempting me; they lead astray
They mark my words; I am their prey
I can’t fight them anymore
So let them in and end this war
Leave me to my demons
Let them have at me
And strip me of my reasons
To ever be happy
I am broken enough
So that they fit in the cracks
I never wanted to be this
But now there’s no turning back
Let them take control
Because without you in my life
This is how a person like myself
Can ever become whole.
ErasedInspiration comes at random,Erased2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
and is fleeting,
from the mind
and in the
of the story,
And so the life that had begun,
the tale that had been spun,
is erased forever
and the truth of love and life,
is lost forever.
Like the letter to you...
It went like this:
I want to tell you that ______
Secret Second GuessingIt’s easy to forget when you are gone,Secret Second Guessing1 year ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
To focus on the horizon’s new dawn.
But now that I have reached my horizon,
It’s not the same with you as a bison.
As much as it hurts me to admit this,
I know that you are the one that I miss.
I never thought that I would be looking back,
And doing so gives me a heart attack.
Yet I can’t shake the thoughts of you and I,
Second guessing the time we said “goodbye”.
But…. I promise not to start commotions,
I know you’re done feeling those emotions.
I may be falling apart at the seams,
But you are happy and living your dreams.
Lasting Impressions.It crossed my mindLasting Impressions.2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
And lingered there
Like footprints in concrete
It invaded my heart
Made it home
Like a bird nesting
It lifted my soul
On waxen wings
I flew too close
Now I ask myself
My eyes closed
Was it worth it?
Moving onYou said move on and that's what I intend to do,Moving on2 years ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
But how can I move on when you ask me to spend time with you?
You said you don't want me as more than a friend,
But you say that you're still the one on which I can depend.
I keep avoiding you're conversations, ignoring my phone,
Shutting myself away because I need to be alone
How can I trust you when you held me so close,
You were there for me when I needed you the most.
Now I wonder was it all a just a lie, just fake?
I question myself, was trusting you a mistake?
You said move on and that's what I intend to do,
So please don't ask why I'm ignoring you.
Don't Give me a Reason to Sell My SoulDon't give me a reason to sell my soul, she should have said.Don't Give me a Reason to Sell My Soul4 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
Instead, she just stared at the man on the screen in front of her, the man with his long, drooping skin, tired eyes, haggard face and balding head. He was hardly the admiral we had once known. She said "I don't have any desire to do it," and then quickly, "but I'll follow my orders, if you give them to me."
There was fright in her eyes. She gripped the edges of the captain's chair and bit her cheek, fighting off inevitable tears. But not here. She couldn't cry now. People relied on her to be strong. What people she wasn’t sure, but someone, somewhere, surely. She had to believe that.
"Those are your orders," the man said, sinking heavily into his chair. "I trust you'll carry them out."
She snapped off communications with ill-hid despair. Her blonde hair, thin and almost colorless, hung around her face like a fallen halo, fading with every sin. Her lips were tight, her cheeks drawn, and her eyes stared out of bru
Will she want to see me?Will she want to see me?Will she want to see me?2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
When all is said and done
When she is raised accordingly
Until the setting sun?
Will she want to see me?
With tears that kiss her eyes
Will she even hear of me?
Please lord, don't let me cry
Will she want to see me?
As she begins to age
Will he even speak of me,
or leave me at the gate?
Will he tell his new angel,
about the one he lost?
Will he tell her happily
That the path I chose was Wrong?
Will she still want to see me?
If he fills her head with lies
Will she ever hear of me?
Will the hero in him die?
Will I ever get to see her?
This little girl I don't know
Will I ever get to comfort her,
from the monsters and the cold?
For now it stays a mystery,
if I'll ever see her face
If that little girl I long to know,
will ever call my name.
Look (Right Through Me)Allegory rules the world,Look (Right Through Me)3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
Angry, lonely, little girl.
Begging for life by praying for death,
Understanding love but hating breath.
Black lies in spider silk,
Smothering all the voices.
Screaming truth by spreading the lies,
Hearing them all but ignoring the cries.
Heartbreak and heartbeats,
Drowning out broken hearts.
Beating hate by feigning glorified love,
Confined by life but free as a dead dove.
Crimson hopes flooding out,
Killing the pessimist's child.
Singing silence by bleeding it away,
Losing religion but aching to pray.
Killer fame striking hot,
Taming the soul I loved.
Playing the game by sitting it out,
Knowing it all but nothing about.
Sharp amethysts stab deep,
Reminding me of my you.
Showing me care by letting me die,
Listening long but not hearing me cry.
Headphone hospice healing hearts,
Death started by life's poison darts.
Hell's hearse harking hollow hate,
Taking me away from this berate.
He held hearts, he hurt her head,
He's him and I'm her; both better off dead.
One Last GoodbyeWriting one last letter, saying one last good-bye,One Last Goodbye8 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
My blood falling to the floor, as if coming from the sky.
"You told me that you love me, but we could never be,
I cannot live without you, so I'm doing this you see."
"If we cannot be together, then I don't want to live,
I've got nothing left at all, nothing left to give."
I close the envelope softly, seal it wish a kiss,
Turn to look the other way, and wait for my dismiss.
I Know (You're Dead)Why are you gone?I Know (You're Dead)2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
No. I know why.
It's not like you didn't try,
Maybe I should have too,
I wouldn't have lost you.
How could you lie?
No. I know how.
You, too, were scared to bow.
I shouldn't have made you lie,
You would be here to stop me cry.
Where did you go?
No. I know where.
Turned to dust in a fiery flare.
I wish I'd made you stay,
You could fight the tears away.
When did you die?
No. I know when.
When now changed to then.
I wish I could've saved you,
I could just pull through.
What did you do?
No. I know what.
You left me to die here too.
Such a ContradictionI'm just that fat kidSuch a Contradiction2 years ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
Starved of hope.
I'm just that cutter
Reaching for rope.
I'm just that dumb blonde
Reading all night.
I'm just that coward
Bleeding for a fright.
I'm just that child
I'm just that girl
With messy hair.
I'm just that burner
Wanting to be cool.
I'm just that geek
Scared of school.
I'm just that emo
Smiling with glee.
You're just another drone
But you'll never be me.