Psychological disorders. The beauty.There, huddled by the fire lies my daughter. Seven years old. Perfect. Her name Is Gardenia. She is what makes me who I am. I can say with truth, she is what caused me to attain happiness. I am a single parent, age 28. The way she came to be is something I don't wish to recollect. But for your sake's I will. Let's just say it was a bachelor party with someone who I would say, is not the finest of beings. A part time meth addled stripper. Ah regrets. The court saw the female unfit to raise a child and for once the male was able to receive custody if he so wished. Which I did. Seven years and four months later here we are. Camping in the woods of Russia. I began building a shelter as my daughter sang to herself by the fire. Once accomplished, it was the latter part of the afternoon. The sky darkening, turning a purple blue. I arranged some lamb shank that was suspended over the fire by a metal rod to evenly cook. The meat sizzling as I did so. "Daddy, Why does wood smoke when it's on fir
No Use CryingCrying non stop is suffocating and overwhelming.No Use Crying3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
It doesn't bring any relief
It doesn't ease the pain...it just makes it bigger and bigger
each time you cry.
there's no use crying
it's a waste of time and energy
I Take It SlowThis feeling of life passing me is backI Take It Slow3 years ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
Makes me feel like I'm on the wrong track.
Everyone has a life they are living
Makes me think: is it worth all the giving?
Am I the one who has to fade away?
Giving myself is a price I must pay.
Destined to be a living sacrifice
Wandering between the naughty and the nice.
No big moment stands out from the past year
Neither moments of joy, anger or fear.
Rather the moments that I think are sweet
Feeling the sea sand covering my feet.
Others rush their lives, but I take it slow
Making memories, leaving a warm glow.
I don't follow the footsteps of a fail
Instead I make my own and leave a trail.
Those grey skies don't mirror what I'm feeling
My face is blank but my heart is smiling.
Let Me DieBroken heartedLet Me Die3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
here I lie
push me down
and watch me cry
break my wings
so I can't fly
I'm here alone
So watch me die
Promises for a FoolDeath lied to her.Promises for a Fool3 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
It told her walking barefoot through the forest would be as safe as a fairy tale. It said her skeleton was strong as steel, that windstorms would not break her bones. Death made her reckless; death made her a daring, rule-breaking dreamer who lived in a house of cards.
Winter deceived her.
Winter told her it meant no harm, told her all she needed was a jacket made of thistles to protect her from its sharp bitter claws. Winter turned her skin pale, her lips blue. Winter nearly killed her, it weakened her. Winter played a dangerous game, but it never lost, Winter was cunning, Winter was a cheater in a game with no rules.
Time would be the end of her.
Time made her run, quick as eyes blink, with steps that crushed the autumn leaves that had already fallen victim to time's deceitful tricks. TimeDeath's best friendturned her from a daredevil to a weakened child who hid from her fears instead of facing them, made her hide from danger, made her run while looking
Broken Oppositesbroken hearts and broken mindsBroken Opposites3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
the link of broken souls
I close my eyes to broken love
and eyes as sad as yours
the tear streaked sky of fallen rain
and dusty desert floor
the opposites of intricates
now bear the broken stone
One Step CloserA tear is born, memories of what you put me through,One Step Closer4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
However, as the sky you make me blue,
I'm the shadow born from your light,
I'm the justification of your sight,
Standing, we lean on one another,
Having replaced, your father and my mother,
Under a blanket, together hiding, a warm cover,
Having replaced your sister and my brother,
There are times, because of you I cry,
I simply take a breath and again I try,
Confusion rises, you begin to shake,
Paths are seen, from one I must make,
A journey of one, a weakened patrol,
As your depression fights for control,
I open my arms, I prepare for the embrace,
I than hear silent anger, the lines on your face,
They dare to move, they await the impact,
I must run towards danger to keep you intact,
In this position I have been before,
Your standing behind a stable however transparent door,
In my hands I hold the key,
Her depression vs my maturity,
The key is placed in, the door I open,
A hug for my lover, she rejects more than the words spoken,
Blinded ArrowTo love is not to squander timeBlinded Arrow3 years ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
Wondering which once a stranger strayed
Can it ever truly be mine?
Not that beauty, that darkness made.
For Love is not to throw away
Nor to recognise as one's own
The testimonial that describes the say
The judgements of Love's tone.
For that which one may call a cause
Another labels a symptom, strong and sweet,
Across the hearts skipped beat, a pause
A flushed mark that doth bear heat.
Love is not a game for fools to gamble
Blinded arrow does strike, not true nor amble.
A Pure CurseI write,A Pure Curse3 years ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
The words I cannot say,
For fear or guilt,
For those I cannot admit.
That time you asked,
And I evaded the question,
Purely and simply because
The answer was You.
In fear of what you might do,
Of your repulsion
If I spoke aloud
When all feeling subsides,
All but one,
I cannot abide knowing,
That I cannot have You.
Because of the guilt I harbour,
When you ask for friendship,
And I secretly lust for more.
For my strong heart,
Has not missed a single love struck beat,
Since the first day my eyes,
This is my curse,
The pain feeding on my very essence,
Of the love that I still bear You.
Never Want it to EndEvery secluded moment,Never Want it to End3 years ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
Held back and hidden away,
From the darkness in the world.
I can close my eyes,
Remember every intimate second,
That we spent together,
Beaming as brightly as the sun.
We never say it,
I never want it to end,
We're not in love,
We're just good friends.
I know you feel the same way,
I've asked you before,
You told me honestly from your heart,
So innocent and close.
I sit now alone,
Listening to that old song,
About the two best friends,
That should have been in love.
Waiting ForeverI've tried to move away,Waiting Forever3 years ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
Away from this anchor that binds me in place,
Away from all the pain in the past,
But I can't escape.
I know now,
As well as I did all that time ago,
That I'd never forget you,
No matter how much I try.
Is it so wrong,
That I can love someone so dearly,
That I never forget them,
No matter how hard I try.
That I ignore those around me,
And knowing that I lie to them,
As much as I try to lie to myself,
When I say I've forgotten.
Because I can remember,
Every single second with her,
Every breath I took in her presence,
And every smile that flickered across her face.
It's been ten months,
I still can't go to the places,
That I shared with her,
Without breaking down inside.
I have to keep up the pretence,
Tell my friends and family I've forgotten,
Else they'd never let me go,
Worried of what I'd do.
I see her sometimes,
She passes me in a crowd,
Stands down the aisle in a shop,
I can't even look at her.
My heart falls to pieces,
I feel as cold as ice,
My soul shakes
Why?Why?Why?Why can't I be happy?Why?Why?Why?3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
Why can't I be perfect?
Why can't I be exactly what you wanted?
Why can't I be skinny?
Why can't I be myself?
What is stopping me?
Why can't I stop?
Why do I try so hard?
Why can't I get far enough?
Why don't I just end it all right here?
Why does life have to suck so bad?
Why does this have to happen to me?
Why am I not perfect?
Why am I not smart?
Why am I not what I want?
Why can't I make you happy?
Why do I have to feel this way?
Why can't I be happy?
Why can't I be perfect?
Why can't be exactly what you wanted?
Why can't I be skinny?
Why can't I be myself?
What is stopping me?
Why can't I just kill myself?
Why, when I am at the edge, do I stop because of you?
Why do I even bother?
Why can't I just die already?
Blind MindI see the truth in your eyesBlind Mind3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
The truth you try so hard to hide
Dark secrets blind your mind, cloud your soul
Tie you down, make you whole
Accepting A TieScratching the labels on my skin, from them I want to be torn,Accepting A Tie4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
My heart is here, it's the meaning of which is gone,
The colour of my hair, the shape of my face,
Are known, I accept thinking and times pace,
A open heart, the desire for a friend,
Are not known, there's no reason to pretend,
That I am wanted or loved by a figure that stands,
I pick up my knife and watch where the blood lands,
Each drop has a sound, a great impact,
Negative thinking keeps me intact,
However that is a life where I hide from a new start,
A lover's hand, a friends hand can't take part,
For if they do, then I will change,
Positive thinking to me is strange,
At night I hide for my son was taken by death and its power,
I try to forget the pain; however it surfaces every hour,
At night I hide for my mother is lost, the forced wave,
I cry for I can't cry on her grave,
Her last place I can't remember, to long a go,
And for that I stand on the power of one toe,
The rest are there but don't dare stand to be counted,
Take, Not Give PainI push the door open; slowly walk to take a seat,Take, Not Give Pain4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
The questions starts coming, I begin to feel my heart beat,
Did your mother hit you? I don't hesitate to reply,
My mother loved us, my head held high in order to deny,
Does your mother use drugs? Is she safe to be around?
My mother users' drugs to ease her life, her shadow can always be found,
Does your mother, she talks but her voice I fail to hear,
Motivating old habits to return, it can't hurt to have just one beer,
I have been to see many councillors, I know their task,
Questions about my mother are always the first ones they ask,
Not once did my mother hurt me, but I don feel torn,
My life started, my mothers started to end when I was born,
Life is hard, my mother is not abusive, but absent, it's been a few years,
Please ask question with a less depressing meaning, here comes the tears.
Self Harm Awareness DayThe voicesSelf Harm Awareness Day3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
are still in my mind
"it's self harm awareness day"
but they don't see underneath
they don't see my pain
they only see my mask
my alter ego
the person they want
and they don't know it isn't me
the real me
I used a safety pin,
and pricked the skin off,
little by little
drop by drop
until the red liquid slid down my leg,
and I was satisfied
and carved "I'm Sorry" on my thigh
it took 7 days,
one letter per day
I did it at night too.
I carved "I'm sorry" because I am sick of those two words.
I am sick of That Face,
because every damn face is that way
looking at me as weak, and sad.
just because they know about my broken winter,
that they would look at me like that
and they don't know my broken soul
they don't know my broken skin
my broken mind
my broken life
It's self harm awareness day,
I am aware.
I did it, the cutting,
because it felt like freedom
like I was freeing my pain,
but every time I see
BurningI'm crawling across the stone floor,Burning4 years ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
The flames slowly creeping up my body,
Licking at my skin,
Attacking my flesh.
I leave a trail of blackened blood behind me,
From the wound in my chest,
Where my heart once dwelt,
Bound in place by love.
I want to write about you,
Write about us,
But I find myself incapable of even speaking your name,
Of even allowing myself to think,
My skin is scarred and bloody,
Covered in burns and cuts,
Coated in dust and pain,
And crawling onwards forever.
My raw fingers clutch each crack to pull me along further,
The chains around my wrists and ankles clang,
With each pained movement I make,
And my limbs shake uncontrollably.
My eyes are bloodshot and unseeing,
Blinded by the torture I subjected myself to,
Hurt by the unimaginable wish,
That I could escape from that which I tried to forget,
How foolish of me.
I have no destination,
No place to go to escape from the destruction,
A choked laugh escapes my broken lips,
Echoing through the emptiness th
Nobody ElseScreams can fill my throat,Nobody Else3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
like air can fill my lungs,
blood can fill my veins,
and pain can fill my heart.
The world is just so cruel
why can't they see my hurting?
the pain in my eyes is there for everyone to see
out there, in the open
liquid pain floods my eyes,
it swirls and falls
I promised myself I wouldn't let them see this
but I am, just one time
and hopefully they won't notice,
the tears start falling,
and I can't stop them
even if I try
Suddenly a hand reaches for mine
I recognize it,
but it's fading
and I realize it's him.
It's my cousin.
but he's dead?
I look up,
and he is standing there
crying with me
but he is smiling
"you stayed here last night. you stayed alive.
I am so proud of you for that." he says
"but what about you? I know what happened.
you staged an accident to make it look better
"what I did was stupid. I didn't know what pain I would cause.
I didn't realize how selfish I had been...
until I saw your reaction."
In The Reflection Of My KnifeThere is a meaning behind the change of a season,In The Reflection Of My Knife4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
I live within two words; excuse and reason,
A father that I hated calling dad,
To him his actions were good, to use they were bad,
A mother that choose alchol and a drug,
To her useful, to me; an empty hug,
Siblings that I couldn't be around,
Together we are a song with a sound,
Friends that i forced to remain at school,
To enter my house, they would brake my illusion, my rule,
Councillors that asked question to learn,
They watched time pass, money to soon burn,
Co-workers stood by me during the day,
At night, I didn't hear me fears they did say,
Strangers walked past with a stare,
They saw an image they didn't like, who am I to say that's unfare?
Lovers held my hand with a smile,
Following the brake up I saw their denial,
For each angry fist heading towards me,
For every word of disaproval I still see,
For every shadow that walked away,
For every word those shadows refused to say,
For every tear that was placed on me,
Left an image tha
Things I Always Want To Remember:-To always be open minded. Just because something is different from what I am used to, doesn't make it evil, weird, or wrong.Things I Always Want To Remember:3 years ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
-To see that there is more than just one or two sides to a story; sometimes there can be dozens.
-That just because some one does a certain thing, doesn't mean it defines their whole being.
-That people don't always fit into perfect category boxes. Some people fit into enough boxes to make a fort.
-That the world isn't black and white or even grey, but a full spectrum of colors and wave lengths that not even the rainbow could account for.
-To not hate some one because they sin differently than me.
-To never lose my love of learning.
-To always broaden my horizons and unleash my imagination.
-To never be afraid to be myself even if I embarrass or offend people. They don't have be around me if they don't want to; it's their choice. To be me, is mine.
-To think before I act or react, but to think quickly and carefully.
-That patience is something I must learn to ha
iktsuarpoki.iktsuarpok3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
The mug's still warm in my hand, with imprints
Of two pairs of lips on either side.
I look down at the hot chocolate and think of your eyes.
I toy with the idea of throwing the cheap San Fran mug at the wall-
Play with the idea of dropping it on the stone floor- But that
Wouldn't bring you back.
And hot chocolate is as hard to get out of the carpet as blood is,
And heaven knows if you taught me one thing it was to be practical.
(And that love does not exist,
And that I'm a B- student, not a princess,
And that nothing's prettier than a kicked over dandelion.)
I threw away the book you gave me:
The one where you underlined my name whenever it was mentioned
And added 'is beautiful' in the margins like some sort of prayer.
It didn't help.
I had already memorized the page where you told me you loved me.
It was a nice gesture, though.
In the end, we seemed to be made of nice gestures.
Before I threw it away, I exed out all the 'beautiful's and scrawled
PaperA book,Paper3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
which pages turn softly,
tearing at the gentlest of kisses,
bound at an eternal spine,
unyielding to the caress of Time.
it begins, so the ink flows,
stretching across past,
present and future,
for heroes and villains pursue Passion.
new turns at every blink,
a divergent challenge to overcome,
lonely wanderers touch minds,
for creation of unique Memory.
each different than the last,
no matter how similar,
wishing minds could make,
it must fall to Silence.
all adventures end,
though the view has changed,
they remain whether in memory,
or in Love.
the imperative resting place,
for dazed eyes over which glance,
a reminder of what is gone, yet over,
a relic of fresh Pain.
of whether old stories are best left
untold, forgotten forever,
else they be reopened and read aloud,
allowed to embrace the New.
A Tie 4 My Chest, Ty4 My HeartI would hide from the heart that searched for me, it is wrong,A Tie 4 My Chest, Ty4 My Heart4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
That I could be more then a single note in a two hour song,
I watch the rain fall and feel warm,
The rain drops plus me, we would form,
The outline of one sad and fleeting life,
The assumed justification of a bleeding knife,
I look down when trapped alone in my room,
I locked the door and accepted this man made tomb,
Posters stare and begin to pray,
That my negative thoughts wont stay,
Books stand and dare me to read,
Collect our information and challenge the desire to bleed,
A TV flickers in the background, hoping to be a distraction,
From the blood under my skin that causes fascination,
My blanket lays, hide under me,
Rather then accept my negatives thoughts of what I see,
The blood of my shadow falls; I watch the moving wall,
Then have regret with a sound, my phone screams a phone call,
I answer with a strong voice, the way as an actor I live,
The voice of distance then gives a reason to accept what he wants to give,
DoktorDoktorDoktor3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
You could never hurt me
I adore you, you know
My angel of death
You can take my eyes
The breath from my lungs
The blood from my veins
You can even take my heart
But what difference would it make?
My heart is yours already
So go ahead, Doktor
Cut me open
And you're sure to find
A heart that beats
Only for you
DamnationI must whisper to you,Damnation3 years ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
The burden of my still painful love,
Ready, to be scorned yet again,
If only it would help my unjust cause.
You could speak to me,
As you have done repeatedly as of late,
Even though, you turn back to him,
Knowingly or not, you still break my tender heart.
I shall write for you,
Whether you still think to read
Or continue with your blessed and blissful life,
As he threatens me for responding to you.
I only ask that
You might read for me,
Take these words in your soul,
Know that my love for you still burns,
As bright as the day we met.
I would ask of you,
Whether the words you do not say,
Are your chosen silences
Or those he has made,
To condemn our friendship.