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You murdered two children
with your bare hands
and thanked God
that He saved you
from getting the death penalty,
bloody hands and all

I saved two children
from a burning fire
and hate the God
I no longer believe in
for burning my skin,
and with it my faith

It seems God
works in mysterious ways,
or maybe,
he doesn't work at all.
UPDATE: I tried to bring both sides of how God is portrayed in the media and such: as a savior, or destroyer. The savior being in the first stanza, and destroyer in the second stanza. The point of view is from the man feeling as though life isn't fair, and blames God for it. In this way, it is slanted, but I tried to portray both sides. I realize the ending could be seen as one-sided, but I was trying to use the term "God works in mysterious ways," as a justification, or supporter of God's work, and the italics line as a bitterness, and disbelief in God. I hope this makes sense typed out like this. THANK YOU ALL WHO SUGGESTED TITLES. STILL WORKING ON PICKING THE RIGHT ONE! :)
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Those heart-wrenching feelings have long since passed
Of togetherness, of love
Later came the shock of agony
Which I have rose above

Now I see you on the floor
Cold and bumpy to the touch
Remembering the last time I saw you
And how I used to feel so much

Remind me of the days of holding hands
Fingers entwined between fishnet gloves
Passionate, tender moments, exchanging hot kisses
With a girl I used to love

You are round and brown with little black bumps
A cute smile painted for a face
You had a match worn by another
But that was in another place

I don't think much of her anymore
She doesn't come to mind
And I believe it's for the better
To leave the past behind

Maybe she still thinks of me
Running my fingers through her hair
Maybe she still has those photos
But I honestly don't care

I don't know who she's with or where she is
Or if she's got a new madame
But I don't really want to know
Because I don't really give a damn

All I know is that I'm fine
And what's meant to be will be
I've learned that she was not the one
Because there's someone better out there for me

If I ever thought I'd always love her
I'm glad that I was wrong
I will love, I will love, and I will learn
And I will smile on

I don't know or care how she's doing
But I'd like to assume that she's okay
Because I know that I've been better off
Since we went our separate ways

Whether or not I see her face again,
I don't really mind
Because I know my girl is out there,
The one I know I'll find

Plastic cookie, you once brought me love
And you once brought me pain
But I've just thrown you in the garbage
And I won't see you again
First bit of writing in a while....
Pretty self-explanatory.

"You live, you learn
You love, you learn
You cry, you learn
You lose, you learn
You bleed, you learn
You scream, you learn"
-You Learn (Alanis Morissette)

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Mama, you're not home anymore
You don't pick up the phone
You keep on promising it'll be okay
And wondering why I feel alone

But brother's stressed and so am I
I'm so scared, but I don't show it
Daddy's stressed because it's all ending
I wish I could pretend not to know it

I hide in my room and I close the door
Blasting my stereo
So I can drown out the sound of the fight,
You two shouting on the floor below

I know that you do deserve much better
I know he doesn't treat you right
But that doesn't soften the ache in my eyes
When you're arguing every night

You keep making promises
But you don't follow through
You say you'll be back by nine
But you walk through the door at two

Doors keep slamming and people keep yelling
I don't know why I can't cry
But I can't shed a single tear
Even when I try

He blames you for everything
From the divorce to my grades
He doesn't know that he's the reason
Why my motivation fades

I remember when I trusted easily
I remember when I believed
But I am not resigned to this melancholy
'Tis one I have already grieved

Now my hands are balled in fists
Against my bedroom wall, I thrust
Because now I'm guarded, now I'm dead
Now I find it impossible to trust

You don't answer my messages
You don't ever call me back
So why do you question the look on my face
When there's a smile that I lack?

Mama, why aren't you home anymore?
Why don't you don't pick up the phone?
I know that it'll be okay
But I still feel alone
More writing by me.

This one should speak for itself.

Trying my best not to dwell on all this.
Obviously I'm not succeeding in that.
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My mom found out you're a lesbian. She forbid me from going to San Fran for college with you. I chewed her ass. I can go again now. She got all high and mighty and lectured me about how she'll "not have me become a lesbian" and blah blah blah.
I hate this place so much, Bridget. Don't worry, I defended you with my life. I'm proud to call you my friend. She can't take that from me.

Emily, that means more to me than you will ever know.
What irks me is that some of my friend's parents feel that because I like girls, it means that I'm some kind of creep out to turn all her female friends, which isn't true in the slightest. The same thinking could be used in reverse; A lot of my friends are straight, both males and females. That doesn't mean that me spending time with them is going to make me heterosexual.
Thank you so much. I really hope I get to see you soon... I love and miss you so much, Thank you for defending me.

It's what I had to do. You're one of my best friends despite state lines.
She crossed a line when she said what she did. I love and miss you too. If you can make it out to Idaho this May then I will be ecstatic.

As are you, dearest. ♥ What exactly did she say...?

She started on how "it's a sin" and shit, then went into this dramatic fit about how she's expected to let me go off and live in a "hotbed of sin without batting an eye!" Then she turned it into "Well, what if you become a lesbian?!" because she's so sure that it's a choice and how she was "shocked because you seemed like such a nice girl..." Ugh. It infuriates me.

That ticks me off as well. I'd like to tell her this;
"Homosexuality is not a sin. I am told constantly that I am a creative, passionate, loving, empathetic young lady, and I strive to be so. I give food to homeless people. I'm a former Girl Scout. I am spiritual, but I don't try to force my beliefs on others. I donate my hair to charity twice a year. I spend my spare time sewing, acting, singing, and looking for charities to volunteer for. I want to adopt a child from Africa someday. And with all that, me being strong and brave enough to admit to the world that I feel attracted to women and not men will not make my life a sin."

That's incredible.
I'm seriously speechless. That's...

And anyone who knew me when I first came out knows that I went through what I did because I couldn't be happy with myself until I stopped lying to myself and to my family. So I came out, and at first, yeah, I got hell for it.
It's been over a year since I first told anyone I liked girls, and my dad is now finally okay with it. I didn't go back in the closet like he wanted me to, and it's been so worth it. I was done trying to hide myself or manipulate myself into thinking I was straight. I know it's a part of me. No amount of people, family or otherwise, that think I'm going to Hell when I die will ever be able to chance a thing about me.
I was born like this. I have green eves, white skin, curly hair, and I'm attracted to girls. It's nothing I can change, so I embrace it.

I'm adding you to my list of inspirations. Bridget, don't ever lose that attitude. Don't let anyone steal it form you, because it's beautiful. You are incredible.
A slightly abridged version of a conversation held via-text messaging with a good friend of mine, Emily, whom lives back in Idaho.
She and I are planning to go to college in SF together after we graduate our high schools. Apparently her mother is a homophobe. This I did not know. Idahoans...

I felt like putting this on here.
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        FoE: gun usage

Fallout: Equestria - Ideas on general gun usage


Usage in different races


Earth ponies

        Earth ponies have to rely on a mouth grip or a battle saddle on all weapons, since they have no means in lifting them in any other way.
        Mouth grips are mostly designed with the abilties of Earth Ponies in mind. They have no problem with the kick of the gun, since they are physically more powerfull and resistant then other races. They can handle every firearm up to a medium sized shotgun with ease, using a mouth grip.
        However, anything larger than that can only be handled with a battle saddle. Though most Earth Ponies could probably handle the kick, there would be a massive problem with balancing and aiming a gun that big.
        Battle saddles have the same controls as the mouth grips in the control bit. Although some individual ponies attach some special controls for things like ammo type change to it (for example Calamity).


        Most Unicorns don't have to bother about the size or the kick of a gun, as long as their levitation spell is strong enough to handle it.
        If their levitation spell is not strong enough however, the are forced to use the same techniques as Earth Ponies. Beeing physically weaker and less resistant reduces their ability, to carry heavier weapons, even further in that case.


        Enclave Pegasi mostly use energy weapons with nearly no recoil at all. Therefore, they can handle energy weapons around the same size as Earth Ponies are able in terms of conventional weapons.
        If they have to handle convential firearms however, they have the same problems as Unicorns do. They are also restricted in using larger mouth grip weapons in flight for aerodynamic reasons.


        Griffons have claws which work like hands, so they are practically able to use all weapons.


        Zebras undergo special training in weapon handling and use specially crafted weapons. They use most of their weapons with their hooves. There are no known cases of a Zebra handling a weapon bigger than a minigun or a shoulder operated rocket launcher, that would require a battle saddle.
These are some ideas on weapon handling in Fallout: Equestria.
I might expand it, if I get other ideas.
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It's been months since I wanted to break out of my body. Okay, that's a lie. But it's been days. Days since I've felt static scorch underneath my skin, felt colours cutting into my eyes, had to explain that these aren't metaphors. There are so many ways you can get used to living. I wonder if anyone else feels empty when they don't have creatures clawing up through their throat.

I don't know what art is, or what okay is. I like to believe I know it when I feel it, but I'm not so sure I would. I think people expect me to be a lot more insightful than I am right now. I don't think they take into account that boredom is stressful, and stress can shatter you like roots in concrete. Maybe I'm growing. But I don't even know if I'm bored. I feel like a lot of different people, or a lot of aspects of different people, all trying to learn how to stand one another.

It's been days since I wanted to break out of my body. I'm watching the sunrise from the wrong side, but I did sleep. I'm not curling in corners or walking alone at 4 a.m. I'm not thinking of my friends talking about me in past tense. I listen to the murmur of the coffee maker, to the droplets of song from backyard birds. And I am not sure where I stand, but I am standing.
inspired to write for the first time in a while, so i thought i would make use of it! thank you for reading!

i was looking at some of my older poems and at my mood tracker, and realized i've been uncharacteristically okay for the last few days. a few days is a pretty long time for me.
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Mazu wa hanasou ka Kangae zu reisei ni
Tokku ni mukushita Kangaesu gi no messeji
Dare ni todoku ka nante Shiranai deii (P.H SAY)
Kore kara sengen kaikai no PUREIBOURU

Haaizai ni paipi sabita sharing
meimei ni kurutta kaiga no ichi
kiiroi daatsu ban ni chuusha no hari to
hoomu beesu ni houshi no te

Okomari naraba aitsu wo yobe
souden tou ga kakomu guraundo
shiro kuro amai na seigi no hiiro
hidari te ni wa kinzoku batto

Aku naki jiko tomogen
Madamada ousa nai kaitō
Barabara kousa dankura SHOW
Kansoko modokou 524
Kanjou koyou taikutsu to ai taishi
Zenbu, zenbu waracchaou ze HERO

noizu dake haite inu razio
fura fura ni neon banii gaaru
souba wa opium tane hito tsubu
Oku no hou ni nomarete iku

"hitotsu tanomu ze, onegai da"
kara kara no ringo sashi dashite
nan demo nai you na koe guzute
saa doko ni mo ikenai na


Kemuru jouki kensou no me
Koko de toujou pinchi hitta
Are wa kitto panda hiiroo
Saraba ototoi satsujin rainaa

Daidazoutta sono RAINAA kanjou
Kyuukan suru aima (Satsujin rainna) fukai-kan? Yo ika?
(A , haki-souda) sorenara zenbu uketomete
Zatsuon tome
Sakarau mi o kuro ni somete
Shiro to kuro ni somete

Kanibarizumu to kotoba dake
utau andorido to asonderu
Kitto kirawaretenda wa ga hirro
Kitto nosomaretends hora hirro
Kanibarizumu to kotoba dake
utau andorido to asonderu
Kitto kirawaretenda wa ga hirro
Kitto nosomaretends hora hirro

Nerai kuramu sanyuukan
Koko de toujou pinchi rannaa
Tsumari ni-ten nibehaindo
Umaku ikanai kanjou seigen

Konna kanjou doushiyou ka? (Kanjou seigen)
Aa konomama touhikou ja damedeshou yo? (Kanjou seigen) & (Kanshou fuseide)
Chotto oshiete kurenai ka? (Hankou seimei) & (Kanjou Seigen)
Satto kirikae shikou kairo jougai
(Goyou kai?) To toujou (Kanjou seigen---) mamonaku aizu GO sain
Kieru kanseiji ni tomaru kaze
Tokini ukande chin o dake sayonarageemu made

Baketsu Kabutta neko ga naku
Hitori mata hitori kiete iku
Ima sara dou shiyou mo nai kono gamu
Saa doko ni mo ikenai na

Kanaru baita bougen no me
Buzza kimo no ko keihou tou
Are kit to panda hiiro
Saraba ototoi satsujin rainaa
Kowashie maware buraun kan~~~~~~

Kudaranainara kowasebaii
Kurari kuma ware teru youna memai
Araburu sekai hitori ja dekinai gamudaga
Mata motsu retsutoukan no you ni idou shijou ni soui
Doko ni mo ikenai koto de kakushin daita

Saraba ototoi satsujin rainaa

Mazu wa hanasou ka kangae zu reisei ni
Tokku ni mukushita kangaesu gi no messeji
Dare ni todoku ka nante shiranai deii (P.H SAY)
Mamonaku sengen heikai no gamusetto

Transcription by Julia M.
Characters © Hidekaz Himaruya
I transcribed the lyrics for the APH Panda Hero Version.
The song, characters, etc. are not mine.

-----Link to les videos :
~Rap lyrics from - [link]

~Other lyrics from - [link]

sidenote - Some parts were missing a word or something so I added it :3

sidesidenote - and it's not really a transcription...more or less like typed up lyrics for your convenience
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I don't want to die. I've never wanted to die, not even when I curled into an apostrophe and muttered the half-wish to the walls of my flesh.

All I've ever wanted is a word. I want a word for the ache between my xylophone ribs that doesn't make my loved ones shudder with misinterpretation and distrust of my volatile heart; I want a word to encompass the missing parts that I cannot remember the names of; I want a word that will explain to people that it's okay that I'm not whole, because not-whole doesn't always equate to being broken.

I can tell you that my heart aches the way a blade of grass bends in a summer storm, my skin feels like drying watercolours on pavement and I can feel the highway of my veins inside my flesh, but I can't tell you that I have the word I need. I don't have it, but my knees are puckered from prayer that someone out there does and that one day they'll press poetry into my ears and share it with me like a secret.

I don't want to die. All I want is to be allowed to apostrophise myself and wait without despairing of your disappointment. So please, please just let me wait.
My thoughts are curved inward but my body shivers outward, stumbling in the cold of the late dark.
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to the ones
that run the clock out
on us,
the proud strutting
and loud muttering
the rowdy and
the how-could-they
to us,
to our,
to days full of
powers abused
and wry, calloused,
chewed up and spat out
and my god if you knew
what i mouth
when you turn your back
and old sharps
the haunts
logging hours of
glowered armstices
and steely distances
and if you ever
take advantage of my loves
may the above stage
a coup on your life
you the major thorns,
the dangers sworn,
the plague us with
swarms of canker sores
in our mangers,
oh bloody
be your favor
straight through
my damned skull
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