"Alcoholics Anonymous"

I know I can do this
I need to put the bottle down
I will clench both my fists
And keep my feet on the ground
I know I can win
I need to conquer this trait
I will try to fight myself
And not drink another day

But its just one more bottle
A shot would be even smaller
Yet every time I drink
The trees look so much taller
My imagination runs haywire
These drinks don't fix anything
Instead my mind conspires
And brings out the worst in me

True feelings I can't face
Watching the world spin
A small price for its foul taste
Destroying my insides within
I have a terrible disease
So expensive and so vain
But bartender will you please
Serve my rotted brain?

I make life-altering decisions
After having lots of drinks
Some that change my life forever
All because I couldn't think
I know I need some counseling
But I know I'd only lie
So I don't see a point
In bothering to try
I know this is a huge problem
As it effects my routines
But bartender I'll have one more shot
Screw my liver; I need some sleep

I need to forget memories
But drinks don't help with that
Even if its only temporary
Those memories will still come back
And haunt me again tomorrow
So then I'll drink once again
Another day of sorrow
I'm losing all my friends
And even though I'm aware
Of everything I said
Nothing can compare
I'd rather drink instead
I'll make my mind remember
A magical time of bliss
Even though I'll never
Forget the ones I miss

And I pushed my family away
This cycle will never end
Alcoholism is a family curse
That may get passed to my children

I can't remember what it feels like to be happy...
My smile no longer shrouded in sincerity.
It is like a heartbreak masquerade, fooling everyone;
Exhausted, I remove my mask when the day is done.
I'm a professional at what I do: I hide what I feel -
When I get hurt, I pretend like it is no big deal.
In reality, it's killing me; feel my heart breaking
The sad part? My friends don't know that I'm faking.
I can't remember the sound of my laughter any more;
Feels odd when I smile, like I've never done it before.
My heart soaring with joy - well, that feeling is gone
Dreaming about another guy that isn't you feels wrong.
It is like I am cursed, you never leave my mind
However, you - you didn't pause, just left me behind.
It feels wrong to see you and still feel butterflies
My heart still racing when I look into your eyes.
My head keeps spinning when you're in the vicinity
Even after all the feelings left, I can't feel happy.
I smile, not sincerely, but just to show you I'm fine,
A masquerade to show you didn't break this heart of mine.

~C♡

Lost and Found

Here I am walking around aimlessly
Scars surround every part of my body
Lies are all that I seem to know
Tears no longer come out
Just the supreme silence
I walk for what seems to be forever
I lose the strength that I have to stand
I was done, I was done with trying
I wanted to sit and rot
But there you were
The flickering light in my hurt eyes
You came for me...came running
At this close to dead corpse
You whispered thoughts of hope- often true thoughts
It was never merely flattery, and overreacted words
Nor was it fake for secret intentions
It was honest, kind, true
You are the only one that makes me feel this way
Because you are the first one you found ME
I want desperately to say I love you my friend
You help in me in so many ways.

-March 2, 2012-

"This Old Soul"

This old soul is an empty canvas in need of color
It's pale infrastructure lacks confidence and code
The barren wasteland that's inside my body
Is no different than that lonely road

You know, the one that nobody takes
The one that's covered with potholes and snakes
The road that leads to nowhere fast
Is where I find myself currently at

This old soul is a dark, empty cavern
That is uncharted on every map
While trying to locate myself
I fell into my horrid trap

If you were to try to examine it still
I can't be responsible for what you find
Like the images of crashing cars
I'd lose my grip or lose my mind

This old soul is that hallow tree in your backyard
The one that's been chipped away with many scars
Eroding slowly like the rocks on a shore
Wearing away like the tiles on my floor

The ones I've stepped on and blatantly scuffed
And still I feel they have not had enough
Stepped on by worn out shoes with feet
Undeserving to walk these city streets

This old soul is a washed up has been
Filled with fallen dreams in metal tins
Crushed by life and destined to fall
At least that means I had a soul after all

"I love you" were the words you said to me
According to you we were meant to be
So why are you not by my side?
My heart is breaking on the inside
I knew I should have never have trusted you
I knew you were too good to be true

"Star Shine"

The moon is rising once again
And here you are, my dear best friend
Take my hand and feel my grace
Let's make haste and leave no trace

In this gentle night of calm
Place your hand onto my arms
Through the trees there is this space
Heaven watches; we embrace

Feel the passion; just imagine
All the good things that can happen
Like a dream, I'll paint the scene
As we follow star shine's beam

Let's keep walking; always talking
Ignore the shadows haunt and stalking
I'm not complaining that it's raining
The scene is stunning like a painting

Don't look back onto your past
Leave it like a ripped up rag
Eyes are focused on this time
They reflect the stars that shine

The gentle wind conceals our sins
Blowing past our toothy grins
In this moment we're alive
With our child eyes contrived

Nothing made sense 'til that day
You took away the words to say
"I can't do this," but you can
You showed me love, my dear best friend

The candle in my heart is bright
Like starry skies on cloudless nights
The flame grows bigger when you smile
Please warm my heart for miles

And looking up into the sky
We are blessed for miles wide
The same world we want to flee
Is the one that led you to me

Now the world's not so tough
I can not say I've had enough
Together we can overpower
To see the stars gliding every hour

Now the world makes more sense
And you've given me the confidence
I only hope I do the same
Your pain is mine; the tears and stains

And believe me; it won't be easy
To assemble all these pieces
But that won't stop us; don't let go
You are more important than you know

So let's keep walking; hand in hand
Through the night; it never ends
Under starry skies that shine
I'm proud to say that you are mine

"Dream Eater"

Why can't I awake this time?
I keep watching someone die every night
I can't even tell if I am alive
Have I finally lost what's left of my mind?

I can feel something envelop me
Breaking my skin; I'm letting it free
But looking at my reflection this time
The face looking back isn't mine!

I find its getting harder to relate
I keep watching someone make the same mistakes
I feel like any moment I will break
Watching scenes that seem so fake

Like a broken record spinning in circles
I can't seem to get over these hurdles
But the scenes I'm watching; I'm not to blame
This really is a sadistic game

I'm trapped in a never-ending dream
Or at least I think so for when I went to sleep
I don't remember ever waking
Will you please come here and shake me?

What if I'm dead; could I even tell?
What if there's no heaven, purgatory, or hell?
What if I'm forced to relive my youth?
In someone else's body; what is the truth?

This is driving me mad! I can't awaken!
Or am I staring through dead eyes completely forsaken?
The line between fantasy and reality
Has forever been blurred by my own mentality

But here I lay; watching someone die
Watching someone through God knows who's eyes
Scene after scene; dream after dream
Will someone end this constant stream?

I can't tell if I'm awake in this never-ending game
The memories remain, but nothing looks the same
Yet the pain I feel seems all to actual
But the attention to detail isn't factual

And upon looking further into me
I'm guessing its plain to see
That the eyes I am looking through
Is not who I claim to be

Or have I really awoken to write these verses
The more I think; the more I'm nervous
And I can see through my dreams
I can see just how I am worthless

I have no choice but to watch my failures
Perfectly thrown together like a suit that's tailored
Just to my disliking; but we'll never have verity
Am I dead or alive?; I'll never have clarity

Life asked Death,

"Why do people love me
but hate you?"

Death responded,

"Because you are a beautiful lie
and I am a painful truth."

I wrote you a poem
detailing everything I could never say
in the hopes that it would make up
for the fact that I'm not brave enough
to say these important things out loud.

And I curled the poem up
inside of my heart. I carry it around
tucked neatly between my ribs, believing
that to be the safest place for my secrets.

And I could crack open my chest
and bare my soul to you so that you
could read this poem I wrote, but I can't
tell if I'll heal back up after you read it or if
it'll leave me more damaged than ever before.

So, I carry the poem in my heart,
right next to where I carry you, and
hope that tomorrow will give me enough
strength to split myself open so you'll finally
know the truth that lies inside my chest.

the clock is counting down,
and there's no better
time than now to tell
you everything you
should know

ten

I never stopped
loving you

nine

summer is warmer
with you around

eight

winter froze my
brittle bones when
you left

seven

I fell into your
eyes, and baby,
i'm still drowning

six

missing you
is like missing
a vital organ

five

in a world where
happiness is
invisible, you
helped me see

four

you were the
first, and I wish
more than anything
you would've
been the last

three

it's hard to breathe
when you're around,
but it's even harder
when you're gone

two

tomorrow came
too fast, and forever
ended too quickly

one

I never stopped
loving you

tick tock
tick tock