last season's mix tapesin every story, there is a plot.
this is called “what happens.”
what happens is usually someone dies and someone rebuilds, someone buys a wedding ring and maybe she says yes.
what happens is we lose touch.
what happens is we stop at the laundromat, and i don’t know if i am inventing the men smoking cigars on the porch, or if it is really thursday. what happens is i am nine and you are a few years older and we are in the laundromat with three baskets full of clothes.
what happens is my parents are waiting in the car and we have quarters weighing down our pockets and we are grown up as we press coins into the slots on the washing machines. we giggle because we are the youngest occupants of the one large room lined with washers and dryers, and we giggle and we wait for the buzzers. we grow unsteady, confused, younger as we realise that we have been wrong. suddenly we are infants and we glance around the room and we feed more quarters into the
the lotus-eaters.do you know what i mean when i say i just want to fall,the lotus-eaters.5 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
like the leaves and the sky and the numbers under my feet?
i have to let you know i'm not good enough
so i tattoo it in my freckles and write it on your walls.
my hands smell of sulphur and clay
and no amount of soap makes it fade.
it's like a tangible version of you,
soulless beast roaming my mind.
i find myself reaching for you
in my sleep, waking with a start
and revulsion in my arms.
i've carved birds into my wrist to keep me happy
because things like shopping and counting calories haven't.
every time you leave me,
every time i say i love you
and you leave me with silence,
i want to become this godless girl
with an empty heart and no love;
to bleed like it's what i was born for,
and not be the least bit sorry
for any of it.
i am eighteen and i garner pleasure out of very legal,
very counterintuitive things. i am a sick puppy
and i don't mind it but my mother does.
the unsettled look in her eyes like the
hunger of a lion, burni
Actually, It SnowedIt was raining copper today.Actually, It Snowed4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
You were lying under piles of pennies,
shame like a dagger parked into flesh,
pious in prayer; you were streaming
hot music through your ear canals
as if you believed that happiness
could somehow be scalded
The fight scene was set in the kitchen.
Pots and pans skidded across the
kitchen, a rush of gleam; you
ran but her voice nailed
you to the linoleum floor.
Metals jangled rudely and,
my god, you were so sick of making your
way through life like a catfish with
the barbels sheared right off.
You wanted desperately to reside in
New Zealand, sending postcards and scraps
of love to your parents once every thirteen months.
You wanted to be a kite gone rogue, a fugitive
hiding among the island sheep, an unmanned
Lately behind your eyes there is always
the ideafriendly and facelessbeautiful as
choir bellsof immigrating into a new life.
the one you think is too transparentyour eyes are a cavernthe one you think is too transparent4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
or a crevice or a gash in the belly
of the fox laid out
under the wheels of a car that always looks like the one you drove
over me, around me. we were best friends
or would have been & we wrestled
ourselves to sleep
& we cried alone in front of
mirrors & spread the stomach skin of foxes.
your eyes are an operating table. i had everything
taken out of me. your eyes are bubbles
in a jack & coke, the careful folding of your heart
around a corner.
your eyes are your mouth, scripted
over words you've had memorised since your first woman.
i am a paper dress & i interrupt your cheekbones with
your eyes are not coming to bed.
your eyes are
in the paper dress
of a fox dilated in the street & (it wasn't your car
but every car looks like yours &) when we crawled
into her caverns we found
a child & uprooted i
Untitled1.Untitled2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
let me tell you
how deep the mountains go.
they fall from the sky,
come up from below.
the ground that we
stand on was not
always so. it will
all be swallowed up
and spit out
let me tell you
the earth's love
is not long enough to
protect what it creates.
peaks become hills,
lizards become snakes.
yeah, it's all saved.
it's all saved.
i can't tell you
how long the earth's love
so let me tell you
how far my love goes.
it goes sharp up my nose
and rough down my throat,
it goes up thin and blue
and scatters through my
breath until it's heavy
on my chest and my thoughts,
so carefully placed, come
let me tell you
how far my hope can stretch:
just as wide as your
hands 'round my neck,
just as long as a
whisper when it's left
to silence. drawn out.
let me tell you
how long my bones
have been a question,
how long my heartbeat
has put dents on my sternum.
since the beginning of time,
since before that,
i am not strong
enough, my love
what are tearsit is monday and i am tremblingwhat are tears5 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
in sadness and hunger and reminiscence
the moon is not out and the air is too cold.
it is here the line between you and him is blurred.
every hour you spend silent is another word from my pen,
pressed onto paper and equally of the cancerous loss of my
heart, and the uncomfortable absence of its stitches.
this is when i feel the ground fall from beneath my feet.
this is when i forget if i am looking (you) up or down,
if i am in love or in hate.
this is when i need you most, a solid set of arms
to steady myself as i am wrapped inside,
a body with a hot heart burning behind soft skin.
it is now that i can't remember that it hurts
more to never know than to know and be damned;
to hold my breath for three weeks in hopes that the
breath of your butterfly will come to me again
instead of the written resignment of
his beautiful sorrow.
here is where i look at you and see his eyes.
here is where i see his lips and find your jaw.
here is where i need
nightlife.the heat rises and setsnightlife.5 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
under the black elm silhouettes
it is you
and it is me
and we are painting ourselves
against the sky.
the days rain melts
itself from greyed rooftops
and drips like the songs
of summer and ice.
night is only so dark with
writhing demons in its
cyclic rise and fall
when the stars are afraid to
open their eyes, to
look down at the sadness
the world has become;
it is hot like infection as
the poems stutter against
sad and empty bones,
sad and empty homes,
the nests of mother robins
barren too early in
i promise you,
under the bowing bodies
of the elms,
in the way that i feel
small in your arms,
that i will be a perfect human.
you tell me with a
flutter of lips on my humid skin,
'there are too many ways
for a human to die.'
Tattooed in My Tear DuctsI don’t know any big wordsTattooed in My Tear Ducts2 years ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
and I don’t drink tea and I haven’t read
all the classics and my hair is a startling
shade of ash blonde, if you’re being
generous. I would call it grey. I will not
impress you. And maybe that’s impressive
enough. You will always get an honest
reaction from me.
My mother drinks tea though,
earl grey, and chai and chamomile,
she thinks it will heal her, make her
sleep. But sleep and healing are not
the same things.
I have run from monsters
to find them in my sleep, and by run
I mean get high, and by monsters,
I mean me. If sleep is a mirror
we are all doomed. I’ve seen myself,
eyes red and raccooned, reaching
for some comfort and I had to explain
that my lips swell when I cry. All I wanted
was for you to say that I look pretty when
I have come to realize two things:
one, that everything I want is not good for me and
two, I am not the worst things I ever did.
I am not the worst things I ever did.
I want this tattooed i
bwhen we first had our firstsb3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
my hand was dark against your white chest,
brown-skinned girl like mud dripping,
sliding, winding down your body parts.
weaseling my way into your deeper
they yelled at me from the wires
they hung like headless chickens
all bumping into each other and making
a ruckus about what they didn't know about.
i paid it little mind because i had you
in mind, sweetheart. and that was enough
at the time
they said bitch and whore and cunt and
i just told you to tighten your grip
around my neck when you fucked me. you held
me close one night and said, 'stop asking me to
fuck you like i hate you. stop asking me to fuck you
as deep as you hate yourself. let me make
love to you
without destroying you'
or something like that. and since then
i've been different. the way you love me
feels like peeling my skin back and stuffing
sugar in my veins. if they cut me i would bleed
like a stuffed cat. i'd keep my form and smile on
stupidly because they couldn't cut you
on leaving it behindi stillon leaving it behind3 years ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
this might appall you
or agonize you but i do.
i remember still evenings
with little to exchange besides
heartbeats and breathing patterns.
i remember soft afternoons
with my back raking against the carpet
leaving sporadic scars and stitches of memory.
i remember dark roads, and darker rains.
i remember a longer faith and a shorter pain.
the wounds are not as fresh, they do not sting,
but they ache and the few times i hear your voice
wedges your fingers in my brain and i can feel the cake
of neglected cum stains and i can hear the desperation in
the small whimper of my name and the way it was hard for your
breath to escape and my mind is running on thin rails, paper train,
and all i ever wanted from you was a home, not a place.
you would finger fuck me in the movie theater
and i would squirm and you would laugh because
i am not so good at keeping quiet. and all it would take
was a look from me or my hand up your knee or my lip under my
teeth and your eyes would
the noblest of crimesi have a mentalthe noblest of crimes3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
list of songs
that i would kill
and with each song there is a-
how, a where, a when, and a why.
the most recent horror i inflict
upon myself in this shitty second-rate
cinema of an imagination is cushioned by
What a Wonderful World,
and i'm sitting in my car on the blue ridge
parkway completely stoned, my mother's handgun
on the passenger seat
mama bought it to keep the devils away
little did she know it would incur them through my own hand,
and Louis Armstrong lays heaven delicately on my ears-
the absolute purest knowledge in the world
is the Beauty of it-
and even at that moment, i do not deny it-
i am not a fallen solider, nor a coward
or a thief,
i am a creature rattling the bars
of her cage, i am the sparrow rising above the
fog to settle
the first poem i wrote since i told you i love youthe star-soaked stainsthe first poem i wrote since i told you i love you3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
that covered our nudity
gives way at last
to a tequila sunrise,
so low in the sky;
it's still bright enough
to sting my eyes,
and yet i can't bring myself
to hate it.
your body next to mine,
every effort is made
to move a heavy limb
because any space
is space i don't want.
i am sometimes humbled
by my feelings,
the way they swell
in my throat
just how the ocean
tastes the shore.
there is always something new
to find hidden in my heart,
summoned by my words,
or the salt of your skin
wearing like wind on shale
i don't think i can ever tell you
i love you enough.
if i could, i would never get dressed
so that you could never be sad-
a rewind every time
my clothes touch the floor,
never anything but nude, not naked
because with you i can be bare
i can let you see my entirety
and leave my arms uncrossed,
i can let you in
and not fear that you will break me,
or force my inner things out.
i can love you with open arms
and my lip
Things I am scared to saylaying in bed with you is like: ready to die, I need nothing more iThings I am scared to say3 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
need only to lay here and die, not alone like a dog but here with you, I
am a girl in love and I am weak as a kitten you could cut me open
stuff me with poison and i would still come back for kisses, tender
and open you make me but I'm not scared.
riding the train with you is like:
being hung like market meat I am swinging naked raw and free,
sprinkle me with kisses like salt and hold my hand a little tighter,
shift your body again when strange men walk by I am
yours yours yours and no one can touch me here with you;
no one can touch me I am infinite and I am you and you are me
and we are riding the train.
art with you is like: the paintings are crawling out of their frames,
coming out to hug you and talk to you, explain themselves like i have,
the stories are here for you; and I am lucky enough to watch, to see
your beautiful eyes study the paper and paint and gold leaf and chalk,
watch your handsome brain understand
aftermaththis morning my heart wokeaftermath3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
me up to tell me you're taking
your piece with you when you go,
tugging at the distance as your
plane left the runway and i wrenched into
the darkness you left me for and i swore
i could see the stars falling down around me
the minute i said your name and it echoed,
my god, the syllables sunk deep into the pit
of my stomach and rested there like seeds,
watered by the nights i spent telling what was left
of me to forget all of you while my insides
tried to figure out how to be less, necessarily
it never worked. it never does when you
treat hearts like candy bars, like pieces
you deserve to break off & take with you
like the chocolate centre of my soul i gave
you, instead of my blown glass shattering,
the battery that keeps me thinking about
my live wires at the edges where you picked
up & left; you had me making signal fires -
everything went up in smoke and
i found myself on the edge of arson
where i want to burn everything
down at the site, where i want to b
catharsis IIhave you ever climbed a mountain? in the summer where the trees keep you a little cooler, but you're still sweating and you're out of shape and you stop at every bench for a cigarette break. you look so thin, he says. and your hair is so long. you think you're never going to find the top and you packed sandwiches for the two of you. honey and peanut butter on white bread with water and granola bars. then you turn the corner and there it is! you can see for so many miles and you're not really sure where the sky starts and the gentle green ocean stops. he turns on music and you close your eyes and he grabs your hand. that is all you need in the whole world, to be at the top of it holding another person's hand.catharsis II4 years ago in Stories & Vignettes More Like This
have you ever told a lie? dived into bed with a failure while making another one of your own. you hear your phone ringing, that familiar ringtone, all those nights with that song swirling around your head and infinite synapses stinging you into a contented sleep... but you ignore i
sleep, as an elephant1.sleep, as an elephant3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
it is strange to see you
older and out of love with me
it is similarly strange to see me
younger and out of love with you.
i want to
throw my arms around your neck
thank you for
leading me to believe in love,
thank you for
showing me what the cock does
when it crows and summons the morning.
thank you for laying in my bed,
breathing my breath.
thank you for laying in my bed,
with your head on my breast
listening to the fluttering
bird in its nest.
thank you for staining my bed-
with your salt, it was blessed.
thank you for leaving my bed,
giving my dreams to its next.
thank you for, out of all the rest,
choosing me as the first, remembering
me with the best.
thank you for june,
and then june again.
thank you for december, and
thank you for the time
that helped me break my body in-
thank you for two ticks
on the wall of not-forever.
thank you for june to june to december.
in a few years,
when you are older still and i am
getting even younger, i want to take
goodbye, lettermani love you enoughgoodbye, letterman5 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
that my heart is
like a wound
in my chest.
i know it's not pretty
but i'll tell you
how you leave me
into the sink,
porcelain veneer sneering
at the broken teeth and mirror
a foot ahead.
you smell like
drink & weed,
and you are making me sick.
in the morning,
i will sit you down at the
kitchen table to show
you the vomit behind
eyes bleed rivers
dead sea salted
over the bends
of my thumb.
you read sad poetry
to the caves
inside my heart,
because sadness knows
and expect me
not to crumble.
on being free, chained, and whatever's in betweenhey, it's me. it's christmas eve. and well i know you know that, but i feel like if you save this message, it will be important to know that it's christmas eve or something. i'm alone and it's christmas eve. all i can do is move the way the music moves me and i feel like i need to be oiled. i'm not moving the way i want to be moved. i'm not really saying i need to be fucked or anything i just need a body to remind me what joints do. or i mean how they're supposed to feel. something like that. i don't even want to be in love. i don't love you anymore. i don't know who you are. i knew you once in the summer and in the fall and in the winter and in the spring and in the summer again and a little in the fall too. i knew that you were an untameable fire on a rampage but i did not expect you to burn your own body and you burned me too i'm not even sad i'm just so mad at you i'm so mad at you and i'm a little drunk and i'm a little fucked up and i'm not even sad i swear to you i'm not sad.on being free, chained, and whatever's in between4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
i don't believe in jesusno one celebrates losing virginity like they celebrate losing teeth.i don't believe in jesus2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
i don't get a dollar under my pillow for having sex with my boyfriend.
there are no doctors smiling at me when i tell them my cherry has been popped.
i am a whore for having premarital sex.
i am a tramp for loving someone enough to open my body to them.
no one celebrates losing virginity like they celebrate losing teeth -
but i slip mine under my pillow anyway, and in the morning when i wake,
there is a quarter and a tiny folded note:
"you are not a slut."
airskinny boy kissed meair4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
kis,ses l,ik,e c,ommas , ,
breaking the waves of my own selfish sadness
o god skinny boy (willow man)
if I am worth something let me know. reasons 1,,2,3, , (4,5,6)
fingers curling over the top knob of
My spine (your spine is tall and proud
skinny love blue-eyed boy godless heathen /while You have no god I find mine in my own blood wide grin kid who is
, ,,, , , , ,,,,,,,,, , , ,,,,, ,,,,,,,
PRETTY IN CASTSmaybe she'll snap her wristsPRETTY IN CASTS5 years ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
or her ankle
dancing drunken at some rave
maybe she'll go through a windshield
and have twinkling bits of glass
stuck in her face
she's so pretty in her casts
damaged so perfectly
the prettiest thing I've ever seen
I only get to hold her when she's injured
I only get to kiss her where she's sore
cut me offpeter crying on the phonecut me off4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
still a little drunk
"i fucked up so bad. i'm so sorry"
yes darling you did sweet sweet peter with the blue eyes
like little doves.
i just wanted you to love me, i wanted you to touch me.
the tiny prayers of your fingertips across my body that would somehow make me better
or at least that is what i told myself.
peter kissing me in the staircase
tasting like coke and freedom. the bruise coloured
feeling of wanting you.
peter tapping on my knee
peter crying in my arms
peter yelling at me
peter without me
Untitledi keep findingUntitled1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
pictures of you
around my room,
i thought i threw
them all away? i say to
but i know
it has been over
for quite some time.
but i see the way
you smiled, that chipped
tooth standing honestly.
i see the way
i smiled, my lips not
moving at all.
though it is over, and
has been for years, i will
always smile when i think of
you. we have quit telling each
other we are sorry, and thankfully.
you keep telling me you miss me. i have
ignored your calls. i am blocking your number.
you see, it's more complicated than that. it's
more complicated than misery. i am more
miserable than i have been in years.
sometimes i want to call you up
and tell you how much i want
to fuck you, even though
that's not true, even
though i don't want
to. you see, it's
than that. it's
i keep finding pictures
of you around my room;
there is no love quite
like the first, there
is no love that lasts
quite like that.
on excusesthe floor creaked with a pressing toneon excuses2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
and my toes crept sadly toward you.
i heard the sounds
deep inside of your throat-
before they could come out,
before you could think them,
before you could stutter an
i was up all night and
the thought that, you,
were sleeping somewhere
naked, with your fingers
stretching and your dreams
retching up what you couldn't
admit to awake- was too much for me.
maybe if i
was next to you while you
were dreaming, your body
would admit to me that you
loved me. and you wanted to make
me cum. it had been so long.
you blinked hard, fast
your eyes shaking, dying fish.
i pulled you apart
like the ribbons on
an awfully wrapped
birthday present- slow, and
sad, and then fast. i wanted you
to see how bad my skin felt
when you weren't loving
our feet tangled together,
roots of a forgotten
pine tree with a heart
and four initials carved
in it- and i was never superstitious
but if you make a tree a liar
something bad happens to you, right?
if you make me
assault, batteryi cradle my discomfortassault, battery3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
like a small child,
its hard heart beating against
the cold & the metronome
of the life ive built for it
destined to burn down orphanages
& send boys a-fire with my
opened eyes & opened arms
ive just been born a little
shy of the street corner
if i were to return
to the place i once called home
a war would ensue,
i would strip naked to prevent
the fight (no holds barred)
and hope my once strong
body could stop the fray
i am crossing swords with
the balance of the universe
my cotton lungs and
swallowing my doubt in
a hasty fashion
i have a hard time saying it,
but i am also in love
with the quandary