Sometimes I think I need to wear a label,
A sticker,
A collar,
A tag…

That will tell you what is wrong with me…

"Hi, My Name Is:
Easily loving, falls to quickly, doesn't know when to stop, tries her best but can't succeed, and only wants to hold someone's hand… to feel that hand on her shoulder when she cries…"

The ink would be smudged across as if written in haste, a couple letters bolded in spots as if trying to fix a mistake…So many mistakes…

The edges would be peeling as if to forget I ever existed all together…
Sometimes, I think I need to wear a warning…

So you will know ahead of time that I'm too broken to repair…too lost to be found…too hurt to heal… and pretend to smile, often….

So that when you don't like what you read, I can just tear it away, and write another…

But no matter what I try, my name is always the same….

Slowly the drug pulls down my veins,
Pulling my hand in purpled waters,
Dragging me down into a misty realm,
Of lavender smoke…

Landing in a chilled crystal lake,
The ripples lapping against my legs,
I lift my eyes and see someone…
A shadow of...     someone…

He reaches out a hand to me and touches my neck,
With the other, pulls me closer…
It was like kissing a ghost,
He was there, and then...    he wasn't…

I never met his true self,
But I knew him then, and only then…

My hair ruffled through his fingers,
Rough and red,
His skin was cool and fading,
Blissful blue…

I never knew what it was…
         To love a ghost…

Why do I find myself wandering these haunted fields,
Following a shadow of a spirit...

Pulled by the barbed wire wrapped around my throat,
and the poison threatening my blood....

Desperate glances behind, remind me,
that I can't help the way I feel...

But why do I find my self confessing my heart's true song,
To a moon that will never hear...

Here I am, my knees bloodied and torn in the dried, tarnished straw,
I can only imagine the luscious taste of sweet moon's light...

But here I am, bound by my love, bound for all eternity,
my love for those who cannot return it to me...

I will never find my way,
out of these haunted fields of indigo.

You…..you make me think of,
Soothing lavender-colored cloth,
Twinkling indigo, midnight skies,
The first taste of autumn in a warmed coffee cup,
Hazel scented steam twisting everywhere…
Fiery eyes of gold and dreams of silver hair,
A glinting smile, a smirk….

The softest touch,
And inked vines coiled across softer skin,
Sleeping lilies and koi fish across bronze tinted plates,
And the comforting hand, the reassuring gesture,
For fear of metallic insanity….

Peeking from behind silver scales,
Towering above like sharpened swords,
Smiling to myself,
I watch your careful eye,
The weight of your shoulder against mine,
That determined smirk, again,
And a new look of awe.

Have I brought that smile to your lips, my friend?
Am I the one that brought that beautiful treasure forth?
I follow, step around, and raise my eyes,
Looking away, I feel your steady hand on my back, once more….
Something tugs at my spirit,
And a shiver on my porcelain skin,
Please tell me I'm the one that made you smile, just this once…

Please, just don't ever let go,
Please, just don't let go,
Please, just don't go.
Please, don't go.
Don't go,
Don't.

When I'm near you,
And close my eyes,
I can feel my claws,
My phantom tail weighing on my spine,
The twitching ears perked,
The flattened ridge above a small nose,
Whiskers tingling.

I can imagine everything,
And it feels so weird and amazing and startling and perfect in the same second.
She may have called me a freak, but what I am is more than that.
I am not human, she cannot call me that much for my spirit.

I am feline trapped in a human masquerade,
My slitted irises burning under frosted glass,
And as I close my eyes,
And let you trace my jaw line,
Let you pull back my hair and chuckle,
I'm stuck between two worlds…

One is telling me it is better to shrug off this human skin and be my true self.

The other is telling me that I was meant to be yours in this way,
that I am stuck between two worlds to befriend you…to be here for  you and you for me….

For if I was truly feline, I would not be able to speak to you.
I would not be able to laugh at your jokes,
Or play with you the way we do…

Perhaps being stuck is a good thing…
Even though in other ways, it appears a curse.

Oh Lord , how I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that my secret will become known.
Those of my own blood chain me down and say I'm free,
They mock me before kissing me goodnight.
And for this reason, I have hidden how I think,
How I am,
From them all.
These words are typed in secrecy,
These thoughts forbidden to exist,
This heart forbidden to thrum with the blood of an open mind.
I am forbidden.

Oh Lord, how I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that I will never be free.
Because the only way I can truly be free is to break secrecy,
And that is too dangerous a border to cross...
And much too painful…
No daughter should hide her heart because of her mother's scorn,
No daughter should cry names into palms and erase the evidence of her pain,
No daughter should be forbidden…
And I believe the worst thing of all is that they only know half of how they've cornered me.
They don't know how they have barred my way,
And burned my blood to scar my soul….
They don't know how truly they have made it so,
I am forbidden.

H e r e
In my hands…
Barely holding on to my flushed fingertips,
Is a dream.

Just an ordinary day dream,
One held precious and known only to me…
But within this fantasy, is a hidden promise…
A promise and a question,

         H e r e
I cup my hands and let the starlight ruffle it's feathers,
Like a bird of thread, with eyes of gold…
Do you understand how fragile it is?
If you unravel it enough, you will find what's left of my heart,
Since I broke it in two for you.

                   H e r e
Underneath this twilight canvas,
I hold my hands up to you and watch your eyes change,
Don't you understand…
Don't you even have an idea…
Of what this delicate wisp of a daydream,
Could be…

                            H e r e
If I place it in your hands,
I trust you with my heart,
If you let it fall,
It will unravel and become a tangle of doubt…
Don't you understand…
What I'm trying to whisper to you as you sleep so far away?

Her twisted smile,
That glaring eye…
How astounded I am of the control I have over my expression…
Because she is standing there and making up excuses…

Too scared to let me go…

I know she's trying to be careful and loving and protecting me from harm,
But I need to do something!
She has to let me do something, or I'll never do anything!

And she tries to stand there and catch me in the lie I've twisted so carefully…no flaws…
I have her cleverness, her intellect, I can match it mostly.
I know how to hide my true nature from her accusing eye.

You wicked woman that I love with all my heart,
Why do you dance to this horrid tune?
My life is a lie, hidden from you,
Because you refuse to accept what's true.

You live in the past and never succeed,
You never regret or require a need,
And any time that I have with him is so much more calming then you know…

And I don't understand why I can't just live by my heart…

Nothing is as serious as you play,
No one looks so harshly now,
And I wish more than anything, that I possessed the courage to stand my ground,

But no.
I can't.
because I love you with all my heart…
Even though you tie me down and refuse my heart's true nature...mother...and I'm scared.... of you...

Falling through their split-laced curtain,
Their venom-gilded web,
I extend my hand towards their bitter cackling,
Trying to hold on to my existence….
My mentality…

They are my blood,
They are my family,
But every glance is two-faceted,
And every  remark is double its original worth.

They will never accept me,
They will never understand,
And the metallic sharpness,
Creates acid from their lips,
And the stinging denial,
Gives birth to underlying hatred.

I dance between both worlds known to me,
But I'd prefer to be in only one.
I lie through my teeth daily,
I put on a show and pretend,
And I constantly remind myself I am stronger,
I will survive their sickening trials….

If I know that I am stronger,
That I can do this until I am free,
Then why do I find myself holding myself together at night,
Crying in the corner of a chilled shower tile,
Wondering why I never feel like I have a future,
Where they will accept me for what I am doing and have been doing…

I hate having to lie,
I hate having to know that I am a lie,
That I am lost mentally, morally, spiritually, even physically…

And here I am,
My fingers slipping from the edge of the breaking stone,
The crumbling canyon turned to chalk,
And all I really need is for someone to reach down and take my hand,
Telling me that I am stronger,
And that everything...everything will be okay…
Even though every dawn seems darker than the last,
And every word more lost than the past,
And I can't seem to remember….

Who I am…                 anymore….

Pulling covers over chilled shoulders,
Closing my eyes to the setting sun,
I feel my lips pinch in a small smile,
As I remember everything about you that makes my days special.
Every moment spent, every text sent,
I smile, knowing that you are mine,
And I sleep into dreams of holding your hand,
And kisses in courtyards,
Darkened rooms and bleachers,
Special memories take my hand,
And guide my heart to the reasons why I need you.
As long as I can dance the dance of both worlds,
Tread that fine line and remember my lies,
You'll be mine, and I'll be yours.