ControlControl is everything. Self-control, that is. Control how you act, what you say, what goes into your body, and maybe — just maybe — you'll be able to control you are. Power is addictive; my drug of choice, but it comes at a cost. You see, what you don't learn until it's too late? Sooner or later, the need for control — controls you.
Generally, I’m a good kid. I pay attention in school, earning the high grades that decorate my report cards. I may not be especially popular, but I certainly have friends. I usually do as I’m told, don’t flagrantly disobey rules, and I try hard to please people. I retrace my steps in my mind, searching for the slip — the fall — that landed me here, on this cool, clammy table, wearing not much more than a requisite thin gown.
A crisp knock on the heavy wooden door to the exam room startles me, bringing my attention back to my predicament at hand. After
InvocationSpeak through me, Muse, and sing me the taleInvocation1 year ago in Free Verse More Like This
Of that girl unskilled in the ways of the world--
The intrepid wanderer,
Seeking truth for years on end,
Oblivious to the dynamics around her
As others talk with their eyes and dance with their words.
Many the nights she's lain awake,
Living the hurts of her friends, powerless to help.
Trying to save the world
When she can't even save herself.
She wrote dark storms of words
And ascertained the deceptive nature of journals.
She lied to others and she lied to herself.
She learned that sharp words leave scars,
Struggling each day to open her eyes
And walk toward the light;
Yet despite her best intentions, sometimes she strayed:
But hands were there to guide her back to the path,
And hearts were there to share her pain.
Growing and changing and coming to see
That she didn't have to understand humanity to be human--
She doesn't have to earn love to be loved,
And angels can hide in the oddest of places.
Of these trials and tribulatio
BipolarYour gentle gaze like razor bladesBipolar11 months ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
Both cut me to the core
The shadows hide the lines you've crossed
Yet still I'm craving more
You're never who you seem to be
I don't know who you are
One moment you're the one I know
The next so very far
This dream in which we used to live
Uncertain now and bleak
Breathtaking as the cloudbreak is
Still havoc storms do wreak
My wild nightmare never ends
I cannot seem to wake
I'm desperate to find escape
Before I finally break
It's not you it's me I say
As hollow as it rings
No longer can I weather this
High time to test my wings
The words fall like an icy rain
Chilling, sharp, but true
Yet though I try to end it here
I'm still falling for you
You can't live without eatingI don't know why it happened to me really. I don't know how many times I've asked myself that question. Why me? I remember how it all started. It was long before I got diagnosed actually. I had been depressed for a long time already. Then it just hit me. What if I'd try to change something with myself to get rid of this misery? I pretty much wanted to die anyway.You can't live without eating7 months ago in Stories & Vignettes More Like This
That's when I first started exercising. I've always loved dancing and I could that simple math they've all told us, the medias, school, parents If you burn more than you take in you'll lose weight. I had plenty of time at first since it was summer after all. I danced and dance
Wake-up callwhen you're drowning in an ocean of sad thoughts,Wake-up call2 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
you don't trip out onto the beach:
sooner or later, the waves will sweep you off your feet
and you will be unprepared
when the waters close over your head.
instead, you take a deep breath
and say your prayers
and you dive in.
the quickest way to learn to swim
is to have no other choice.
If you're going through hellWe find the characters in a mental health hospital. The ambient is strange at first. Skye has an appointment with her shrink who comes to visit her while she's hospitalized. She talks nervously but with no fear. Her hand is covered in bandages because she threw a punch at a mirror, ending up in an isolation ward for eight days. The shrink asks the reason for Skye to do so and, in response, Skye undermines herself.If you're going through hell1 year ago in Drama More Like This
The atmosphere grows thicker as Skye starts feeling more anxious and threatens not to say another word and asks the shrink to go away. She does no such thing and tries to calm Skye down. She's there to help her, not judge.
Ce que je souhaiteSometimes I wish I could slit open my belly and let all the bad juice seep outCe que je souhaite8 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
Bitter acid and fat black eels
Sharp claws scratching and angry wings fluttering
I hate it but it won't stop
Sometimes I wish I could wrap myself around your legs and never let go
Oh, I know you can't stay, but oh,
How I wish you could
I can't bear this alone anymore
Sometimes I wish I could float away from my memories
No matter how many times I scrub I can still feel your hands burning my skin
Everyone else comments on my pale face, pale arms, pale legs
I guess they still can't see it
I'm not sure if I want them to
Sometimes I wish I could get to the
medication.once a day, every day,medication.8 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
the music-box ballerina,
dressed in caution-tape yellow and thundercloud grey,
convinces me that i am lovely enough
to last another day,
colliding chipped teeth and concrete,
collapsing asthmatic lungs and heartbeats,
weaving dreamcatchers for the lonely nights,
spinning spiderwebs for the buzzing lies
of ugly and awful and stupid and fat
and sad and psychotic and manic and panic,
cracking open from an orange-tinted bottle
that whispers gasping breaths of sanity,
N o v ai.N o v a9 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
This distance between us
is devouring my lungs.
I'm left here gasping,
trying to suture back together
all the broken nights-
the cigarette burns in my bedsheets.
I'm tracing maps on my limbs,
and I'm painting black holes on my palms,
pressing them into letters
left on my nightstand
untouched and unread.
I keep telling myself
none of this is about you.
But I'm reaching for empty galaxies
as I try to remember what it felt like
to be one of a binary star.
Light-years away, and I'm here-
just another nova on your ceiling,
searching this vast universe for you.
Stories From the Psych Ward (1 of 3)It's 2a.m. and I can hear the nurses' footsteps down the corridors,Stories From the Psych Ward (1 of 3)2 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
with pools of light streaming out of their torches like car headlights in the rain.
Tonight is long and lonely, and voices wash over me in the dark.
Night checks, and rays of light pour over the sleepy shadowed forms of us,
into our eyes. Each black silhouette,
the shape of a patient in the middle of a dream.
I can feel insects crawling under my hands
but I can never dig them out.
Early morning cups of sweet black tea bring
a sense of comfort and normality to being an
involuntary psychiatric patient locked up in solitary.
Sleepless nights lying with outward
False laborI cannot remember the beginning of the labor and I find it hard to believe that I will ever see the end. The contractions are ruthless and turn me inside out against my will. My plea for an epidural goes unanswered, and after a few hours, I'm so exhausted that I find it hard to care anymore.False labor8 months ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
I have never known this kind of pain before, this agony deep inside of me, tearing at my belly, sinking its claws into my spine. It tries to crawl up my throat, but I choke back the scream.
Nine months of waiting, nine months of anxiety, culminating in a few hours of sheer terror. I am clenching someone's hand tightly, too tightly, but this transference of pain does nothing to lessen my own.
I do not cry until they lay her on my chest. Looking at her, I forget to breathe. Destructive as I am, it seems highly implausible that I made this mewling scrap of life. I can't believe she's here.
And then, just when I reach for her, my baby dissolves like smoke on the wind, and I am left with empty hands and
Lucidall this time she's seemed so nearLucid9 months ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
her angel face you hold so dear
she'll find you in that darkest time
her eyes will speak sans reason, rhyme
in time you will remember things
of birds and bones and broken wings
of deadly secrets, shattered dreams
things left unsaid and silent screams
with open heart and open mind
stand in the rain and you will find
that healing lies in these things true
and to remember changes you
UnknownI'd listen to radio signalsUnknown7 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
But all I'd hear is chlorine bleached static
That leaves a the bitter taste of Advil in my thoughts
Drugged up in an anaesthetic haze of morphine induced comatose
I'd clench my teeth to stop the florescent vowels
From escaping my insomniac lips
I've chewed them shut and pasted book spines on my ribcage
In an attempt to be something organic and interesting
Because the plain Jane exterior I've laced between my iris's
Is becoming a contradiction of what little sanity I possess
A mermaid stole my bonesI want to deteriorate into the ocean and feel the wavesA mermaid stole my bones1 month ago in Free Verse More Like This
Break over my spine
Because I’ve learnt through trial and error
That holding my breath only makes my heart beat faster
And plain white pills do nothing to soothe
The anxiety sewn deep within my bones
The bitter aftertaste still lingers in the back of my throat
much like the feeling
of her breath in my lungs
Joey had a smoke and burned the moon downOne night on a long road trip to NebraskaJoey had a smoke and burned the moon down1 month ago in Free Verse More Like This
The skies opened up and bled onto my pupils
And I the taste of gin burned my throat
As my star strewn spine strained against
The static of the radio blasting from your car stereo
We chased god
Only to find kerosene angels
And glow flies hanging from tree tops
Losing steamI am fifteenLosing steam11 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
but my body and
are not mine.
I have scars on my arms
and memories of dark beauty--
bitter beads of blood
slide the knife
unzip my skin
and step outside--
who would I be
and how would I look?
perhaps I'm hollow?
underneath all this--
I'm not actually real?
maybe I was never here
just a dream
or was it a nightmare?
everybody wants me to
act my age
but I'm fifteen
so God only knows what that means.
not a child
not so innocent
not an adult
still too young.
I have to learn to talk to adults
and make phone calls to strangers
and manage my money
and drive a car.
I have to take care of the twins
teach them and protect them
and still be their friend.
I have to grow up soon
but i don't know if I'm ready...
I have two polar bears living inside of me.I have two polar bears living inside of me.I have two polar bears living inside of me.7 months ago in Emotional More Like This
One of them is the happiest, cutest, most playful and cuddly polar bears in the world. His name is Manny. Manny is so energetic and creative; ready for anything. Millions of wonderful and amazing ideas flow through his mind every day. He could take on the world. He loves everyone and everything. To Manny, life is fantastic; the world is beautiful.
The other's name is Depry. Unlike Manny, Depry is sad. He does not have the energy and motivation that Manny has. In fact, he doesn't have the energy for anything. Depry is easily annoyed by everything around him; including the things he loves; which mak
NaPoWriMo- Day 5She used to try and catch butterfliesNaPoWriMo- Day 51 month ago in Free Verse More Like This
until she realized their beauty
rubbed off on her fingers;
but she will always be loving you
with those digits.
20 years from now
when even the love on her arms
NaPoWriMo: Day 7Watch out.NaPoWriMo: Day 71 month ago in Free Verse More Like This
She’s a devil,
Glad for her spine,
& her teeth,
even God hands fear her.
For she has arched her back
for a flower-woman
with sin dripping
from her fingers
-who taught her
how to laugh
like the stars.
Her Real WorldShe sat on the old, rough concrete slab bench eating her sandwich as she does every lunchtime, not depressive but not content or eager to open herself up to anybody.Her Real World6 months ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
She sat, hunched over creepily with a cold, vacant and empty look on her face.
She whispers to herself, under her breath without emotion:
Who is to say anything is real? who is to say that what you all touch, taste, smell and see is not just a delusion of the human mind. Why is it that somebody with a different foothold of it all must be treated as a "defective", I've always hated being called that. It's either that or "Gloomygirl" as i get at school. i never bother them.
I do, But you DontWhen its three in the morning and I’m utterly exhausted but you need someone to talk to,I do, But you Dont4 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
I don’t want to,
But I do.
When you're going through a rough time and you want to crash at my place,
Knowing full well its no better here,
I don’t want to say yes.
But I do.
When you need me to give you relationship advice even though I’m single,
I don’t want to,
But I do.
When you drag me out to be social and happy,
Trust me, I really don’t want to,
But I do.
I do all these things to see you smile,
To see you laugh,
I want you to,
But you don’t.
When its seven at night and I need someone to tell my problems
MasqueradeI don't understand humans.Masquerade3 months ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
Through meticulous observation and careful analysis, I have become proficient in appropriate exhibition of and reaction to socially-accepted behavior, but that's exactly what it is: mimicry. It doesn't come naturally to me. Despite extensive synthesis of the information I have gleaned, my fabricated understanding still has some gaps.
That's why intimacy scares me: I find it incomprehensible. It doesn't follow the preexisting rules set by other social statutes. There doesn't seem to be a pattern of behavior at all upon which I can rely in order to anticipate the outcome of situations in which I may find myself. And if I don't understand something at least to some extent, I cannot present a convincing imitation, and that marks me as an outlier.
I'm tired of being an outlier. I want to be part of something I can't comprehend as a whole, something everyone else seems to understand instinctively.
I want to be <
The Glass CupWhen I die,The Glass Cup3 months ago in Free Verse More Like This
I want to be buried in my favorite cozy hoodie, my old tattered jeans, and given my favorite moccasins. I don’t want anything more than what I had. I don’t want to be remembered as an angel that has passed, I want to be remembered as the sweet country girl that I was. I don’t want to be remembered as the depressed and angry girl I have become. Please, remember me for who I was before. Give my hair a single braid and place a white orchid in each loop of the braid. Don’t plaster my face in makeup, leave my skin to breathe and show off the qualities I tried to hide when I was alive. Give me a spritz of my sig