TES - Why does the Dunmer cross the road jokeWhy does the Dunmer cross the road?TES - Why does the Dunmer cross the road joke3 years ago in Humor More Like This
We pretend to have interviewed some eminent minds in order to answer this question.
If the Dunmer walks five miles in one hour it will take him precisely two seconds and a third of a second to cross the road.
The road is one-way only and I await at the end of it.
Hmm, I like nasty Dunmers...
We all have to cross the road to open our mind to more knowledge but shall not step away from the path of wisdom.
The Dunmer goes where the wind blows and no road will tell him where to walk.
He must be looking for some fertile grounds to plant some seeds...
Luck may be found at every crossroad... or not!
Surely this is one more questing Dunmer adventurer, may his courage be rewarding.
Roads were made to be followed or crossed, the Dunmer deals the road his own way.
Wondrous plains of green grass, and may the moths pass.
What's the point of making up some plot if
Out of Place: Ch 1 - The Beginning pt 1Out of Place: Ch 1 - The Beginning pt 13 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
Out of Place
A Skyrim Fanfic Series
Chapter 1 (Feb 9, 2012)
Fredas, 20th of Sun's Dusk, 4E 201
(November 19th, 2011)
It was early June. The 6th, I think. At the time I'm writing this, the date is a bit fuzzy. I wish I would have started writing down my accounts early on, but considering the circumstances, I didn't really have any way to do so.
Anyway. I was staring out the window of my new bedroom. The sun was high in the sky, so it was sometime just after 12, maybe 2-ish. I wasn't used to living on my own. I somehow managed to find a small house in the country area. It isn't that easy to find the perfect small house, fit for one person, out in the country. I'm just not fond of living in the city with an apartment complex. For a single woman, it just isn't smart. Call me traditional, but I'd sooner have a man around, even if I'm fairly capable. Sure, I know how to shoot a gun pretty well, but what happens if some intruder has one? But I'm work
The List, 101-200101. Psijics do not have ESP, nor do they know Miss Cleo.The List, 101-2006 years ago in Fan Fiction More Like This
102. Dremora do not have a sense of humor.
103. Neither do the Mazken.
104. And dont even ask about Xivilai.
105. Slow-walking ghostly Blades dont like to be told to move their bloomin asses already.
106. Punt the Scamp will never catch on as a popular game.
107. Neither will Punt the Bosmer. Except maybe in Elsweyr.
108. Not allowed to summon Fire Atronachs inside of castles, no matter how drafty it is.
109. Not allowed to read The Real Barenziah in front of Alessia Ottus.
110. Especially the Daggerfall version.
111. At the top of my lungs.
112. Not allowed to ask Umbacano what the hell is up with his hair.
113. The ghosts in my house in Anvil cannot be trained as servants.
114. Not allowed to instigate snowball fights in Bruma.
115. Especially if it involves the Mages Guild.
116. Raining out the Annual New Sheoth picnic is only funny the first time.
His Butler, InsaneMarch, 1889His Butler, Insane3 years ago in Comedy More Like This
" And this mark shall bless you as the flesh of the holy feast."
Hands (or were they bones?) painfully pinned the boy's arms and legs to the altar, prohibiting any movement. He lay shivering, naked, exposed as dozens of faceless worshippers grinned down at him.
A hissing sound broke through the layers of chanting and captured the ten-year-old's attention. Still trembling, he barely managed to turn his head to the side in time to see the sizzling poker as it drew near, ready to brand him with a symbol that glowed white-hot.
"The holy feast "
Those three words echoed in his head as the poker made contact with the skin of his left flank. The boy's body convulsed with the most torturous of agonies-
And then Ciel awoke, bolting forward in his bed and gasping for breath.
The Earl was unsure of how much time passed before his chest returned to rising normally. With morbid curiosity, the thirteen-year-old noble peeled up the side of his nightshirt (now damp with s
Hellsing vs The Army of DarknessHellsing vs The Army of Darkness4 years ago in Comedy More Like This
Ashley J “Ash” Williams
Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing
In South London, there is an organization known as Hellsing that hunts down & kills vampires. They have done so for generations. 30 years ago, Hellsing stopped a Nazi group from World War II known as Millennium, and its vampires. Or so they thought…..
Germany 2030; underground laboratory; 6 months after Alucard returned
We see a large vat, and inside is a gray humanoid. Suddenly, it opens its eyes, and busts out of the tube. A few minutes later, the humanoid stands up, and looks around the whole entire lab. As it looks, it notices a monitor screen coming on, and the Major of Millennium appears on it with his signature grin.
Major: Hallo my creation. Your name is Incognito, and you are a bio-engineered vampire made from mine & Alucard’s DNA und created for Millennium. If you’re vatching this, then me und mein army were defeated. You vere
Hellsing vs The Army of Darkness Part 3Hellsing vs The Army of Darkness Part 34 years ago in Comedy More Like This
Interrogation Room- 5 minutes later
We see Integra, Seras, and Alucard looking at Ash who is still knocked out, and hand-cuffed to a chair. Integra is looking at Ash’s driver’s license.
Integra: According to his driver’s license, his name is Ash Williams; he’s from Dearborn, Michigan, and he’s from the year 2012.
Integra looks at Ash whose still out like a light. While she looks at him, she has also an odd feeling about him.
Integra: He’s giving me a feeling of deja-vu for some reason.
Seras: Me too. But where have we seen him before? Also, why is he even called the “Chosen One”? And why is he here in this time if he’s from the year 2012?
Alucard: Because he is the Chosen One that’s written of in the pages of the Necronomicon. He’s prophesized to save all of humanity from the terrors of the Deadites, and was brought here to this time by the book.
Both Integra & Seras look confused.
Ode for SheogorathOde for SheogorathOde for Sheogorath6 years ago in Songs & Lyrics More Like This
Come swim with the Birds and the Bees
And Gods flying in their threes
And logical Minded monkeys in the trees
Thank you but no Please!
You try to Halt and put it all on freeze
Here is the Daedric Prince, on your Knees
But youve been touched by the Madness
Just Embrace it with total Gladness
For Madness creates Art
A stage for actors to play the Part
Let it find a place in the Heart
Or, face the Retribution and Wrath
Of our rightful Lord Sheogorath
So come dance to the very merry jig
Offer up the yarn, gem and lettuce fig
The cats out of the bag, that dull hag
Laugh at boring old Jyggalag.
The List, 1 - 100The List, 1 - 1007 years ago in Fan Fiction More Like This
1. Sneaking into peoples rooms and watching them sleep is not an appropriate use of Invisibility.
2. Chancellor Ocato does not appreciate hearing about how soft his robes are and/or how much I want a set of my own.
3. It is considered bad taste to kill people and then arrange their bodies into compromising positions.
4. It is worse taste to do so in the following places: The Temple District, any of the chapels, any of the castles, or in the middle of Green Emperor Way.
5. Lucien did not give me Shadowmere so that I could board her at Chestnut Handy Stables for the sole purpose of seeing if shell eat the Orc.
6. Stealing all of the Blades armor and throwing it over the wall of Cloud Ruler Temple is not nice, as it is cold up there.
7. The two Blades who do nothing but spar all day are not suffering from unrequited sexual frustration.
8. I am not allowed to give Falanu Hlaalu directions to every necromancer cave in Cyrodiil.
9. Jauffre is not old enough to h
Hellsing vs The Army of Darkness Part 2Alucard’s Room 10 minutes laterHellsing vs The Army of Darkness Part 24 years ago in Comedy More Like This
We see Alucard sitting in his chair. Then, we see Ash come through the door, and sees Alucard staring & smiling at him.
Alucard: You made it. Finally, I was starting to get bored waiting for you to show up.
Ash looks annoyed.
Ash: Drop the bullshit string bean. Y’know why I’m here.
Alucard stands up from his chair, and continues to smile at Ash.
Alucard: Very well. Shall we?
Ash revs up his chainsaw.
Ash: Let’s dance.
Ash charges at Alucard. When he gets close enough to him, he starts swinging his chainsaw around, but can’t land a single blow on Alucard due to him being so fast & agile. Miraculously, Ash is able to land a strike across Alucard’s chest. The strike causes Alucard to quickly spins around. As he does so, he comes back, and hits Ash with the back of his fist..
Ash falls to the ground hard. Alucard looks down at Ash
Alucard: *Laugh* Had enough yet?
Ash gets back up.
Ash: *Chuckle* Oh, I’m ju
The 13 Blessings of SheogorathFor Our Lord Sheogorath, without Whom all Thought would be linear and all Feeling would be fleeting.The 13 Blessings of Sheogorath8 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
Blessed are the Madmen, for they hold the keys to secret knowledge.
Blessed are the Phobic, always wary of that which would do them harm.
Blessed are the Obsessed, for their courses are clear.
Blessed are the Addicts, may they quench the thirst that never ebbs.
Blessed are the Murderous, for they have found beauty in the grotesque.
Blessed are the Firelovers, for their hearts are always warm.
Blessed are the Artists, for in their hands the impossible is made real.
Blessed are the Musicians, for in their ears they hear the music of the soul.
Blessed are the Sleepless, as they bask in wakeful dreaming.
Blessed are the Paranoid, ever-watchful for our enemies.
Blessed are the Visionaries, for their eyes see what might be.
Blessed are the Painlovers, for in their suffering, we grow stronger.
Blessed is the Madgod, who tricks us when we are foolish, punishes us when we are wrong, tortures us
My Hellsing Character: Isaiah BelmontMy Hellsing Character: Isaiah Belmont3 years ago in Profiles More Like This
Name: Isaiah Belmont
Date of Birth: March 20, 1975
Place of birth: Atlanta, GA
Height: 6 ft.
Weight: 200 lbs.
Race: White (Non-Hispanic)
Hair: Dark Brown
Hair Length: Short
Family: Joshua Belmont (father/deceased) & Agitha Belmont (mother/deceased)
Allies: Integra Hellsing, Seras Victoria, Alucard, Walter C, Dornez
Occupation: American, Head of the Belmont Organization, Soldier for the Hellsing Organization & Integra's old flame
Abilities: Holy Power, Expert swordsmanship, Fencing, Sharpshooting, Hand to Hand combat, Occult Knowledge, Knowledge of Computers & Technology Superhuman speed, Superhuman reflexes
Weapons: His late father's 1911 Colt, Vampire Vanquisher (sword), The Jackal MK II (Shotgun). Wears the sword & shotgun strapped to his back.
Tattos: Family crest(right bicep), Celtic Cross(left bicep), An Archangel with blonde hair, a blue eye white wing, and holding a broad sword on it right-hand side, and has black hair, a red eye, black wing, and holding a d
Hellsing vs The Army of Darkness Part 8Hellsing Manor; 15 minutes until battleHellsing vs The Army of Darkness Part 83 years ago in Comedy More Like This
We see Ash getting some practice in with his new chainsaw while Alucard & the girls watch him.
Alucard: I hope that you’re ready to face our enemy Williams.
Ash stops what he’s doing, and looks at Alucard.
Ash: Al, I’ve dealt with that damned book more times than I care to count.
Alucard smirks at Ash.
Alucard: True, but I seriously doubt like this.
Ash: I’ve actually faced far worse than that book. I’ve faced an entire asylum full of re-animated whackos that were created by some nut-job, your double & a bunch of other vampires, werewolves & mummies, a bunch of spandex wearing zombified super-dopes, post-apocalyptic mutants ruled by a pure evil version of myself, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse, re-wrote history and 6 of the 7 Deadly Sins. Hell, I even fought Freddy Kruger & Jason Voorhees twice. So again, this battle will be no different.
Alucard doesn’t seem impressed by what Ash has said; however, Integr
Hellsing vs The Army of Darkness Part 5Secret Millennium BaseHellsing vs The Army of Darkness Part 54 years ago in Comedy More Like This
In the next panels, we see Incognito sitting in his chair, looking down at the Necronomicon, and stroking the cover gently with his fingers. As he’s doing that, a Nazi vampire walks up behind him.
Incognito: What is it?
Nazi Vampire: Herr Incognito, ve’ve just received vord that the Chosen Vone failed to kill Alucard,
Incognito turns around in his chair to face the officer, and has a smile on his face.
Incognito: A minor set back, but no matter. I’ve got a much more subtle idea. It’s time to ready our army.
The Nazi vampire looks confused.
Nazi Vampire: Army? But sir, ve’ve don’t have enough survivors for vone.
Incognito’s smile widens.
Incognito: Oh, I’ll take care of that. I’ll even recruit 6 old members to help me lead it.
Incognito opens up the Necronomicon.
Incognito: Watch and learn. Kanda estrata amontos nosferatus KANDA!!!
Suddenly, a large hole with fire spewing out of it appears on the floor, and Dea
Hellsing vs The EvArmy of Darkness Part 4Integra smiles in amusement.Hellsing vs The EvArmy of Darkness Part 44 years ago in Comedy More Like This
Integra: Well, now that this is settled, allow us to introduce ourselves. I’m Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, head of the Hellsing Organization.
Ash: What does Hellsing even do?
Integra: The Hellsing Organization hunts down and kills vampire. The Hellsing family has done this for generations.
Ash: O-Kay, but if you do that, then why do you have Edward Colin there?
Ash points at Alucard and Integra smiles.
Because: the best way to kill a vampire is with another stronger vampire such as Alucard.
Ash looks a little disturbed by that method.
Ash: OK then.
Ash then looks at Seras, and looks very impressed by her.
Ash: Well hey gorgeous. What’s your name?
Seras: Seras, Seras Victoria.
Ash looks at Seras’ breasts with a smile on his face.
Ash: Hell-o Seras.
Seras notices that Ash is staring at her breasts, and snaps her fingers at him.
Seras: *looks pissed* I’m up here.
Ash: *nervous laugh* Sorry about that.
Alucard: And my name is
Mass Effect 3: AftermathWhen the dust settled and the long repairs on the relays commenced, Admiral Hackett ordered a detatchment of N7 soldiers and Phoenix Biotics to the heavily damaged Citadel to locate the bodies of Lieutenant Commander John Shepard and Admiral David Edward Anderson. As their shuttle touched down on their last known coordinates, they were shocked to say the least.Mass Effect 3: Aftermath2 years ago in Drama More Like This
"Sir, this doesn't look like any part of the Citadel I've been to." said the Phoenix Adept, Caboose.
The N7 Destroyer, Carter replied "Your right, theres a lot of bodies here. I highly doubt that they would be Anderson and Shepard."
The Phoenix Vanguard, Grif pointed out, "There's a chasm over there. Its leading to a control panel, if I'm correct, its where Shepard opened the arms."
The N7 Fury, Tex replied, "Thats probably where their bodies might be. Lets go."
As the team made their way to the control panel, they found the body of Admiral Anderson. They determined that Anderson died because of a bullet wound in the stomach as
RamonaI fell in love with you in that desert,Ramona5 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
But you slid right past my open hand.
I ordered you my package,
And invited you to see my band.
You smiled at me through the snowstorm,
We talked all night on the swings,
In the air, there was a door.
You took my hand in the snow.
The door lead to your apartment,
In your kitchen there was you and me,
There was a table and chairs,
and a thousand kinds of tea.
It's cold out there, but it was cold inside,
We'll make it warm here in your bed.
Behind your smile you cannot hide.
I hope this isn't a one-night stand.
A Nightingale's Tale 1: SidetrackedA Nightingale's Tale 1: Sidetracked3 years ago in Drama More Like This
Honorhall Orphanage. It had seemed so much bigger when Selene was a child. That was the way of things. The older she got, the smaller the world became. Old Grelod wouldn't look so big, either. She'd be stooped, her bones brittle with age, palsy sending terrible shivers in her bony hands. Selene wouldn't even have to use a blade. She could probably break the matron's neck with her bare hands.
But no. That was not why she was in Riften. She had made her choice, and she was going to stand by it. At least for the time being, Grelod the Kind would live. The decision had been for her benefit, not Grelod's; the desire for revenge was such a heavy burden to carry around. She wasn't an angry adolescent anymore. She was a grown woman, and a hero at that, although she hated the word. The old witch hadn't ruined Selene's life; she had shaped it, no matter how harshly. She wouldn't be where she was today if not for Grelod.
Thus, she turned her gaze away from the orphanage and walked up the stairs t
Hellsing vs The Army of Darkness Part 7Hellsing vs The Army of Darkness Part 74 years ago in Drama More Like This
2 Hours Later
The soldiers gather around, and see Integra & Ash, who is now wearing a Hellsing uniform, standing in front of all of them. Integra speaks.
Integra: Listen up all of you. THIS Millennium is far different from the one we faced 30 years ago. They consist of a few surviving vampire of the original, and thousands of Deadites.
When all of the soldiers hear the word Deadites, they all look very confused.
Integra: Deadites are demonized zombies that are controlled by an ancient demonic text known as the Necronomicon.
Integra then points at Ash.
Integra: This man is Ash Williams, and he has way more experience with these Deadites than anyone, so he will tell us what we need to do in order to beat them.
Ash steps forward
Ash: That’s right. These Deadites are far more dangerous & deadly than any vampire than you guys have ever faced. The best way to kill them is through the act of bodily dismemberment. So be prepared for what they’ve got in store for all of us. AR
EFMRBOH: Sheogorath vs JokerEpic fan made rap battles of history!EFMRBOH: Sheogorath vs Joker3 years ago in Comedy More Like This
Who is this who dares to enter my kingdom of crime?
Some tired old jester trying desperately to rhyme
I'm the Joker, you hear? You'd best remember the name
Not even a so called god can best me at my game
Look at you; you're really cramping my style trying to rock the purple
Simply by existing you're creating a fashion hurdle
Wow will you look at that? It's time I kicked your wrinkled ass
With a good old dose of Joker's laughing gas
You'll be beaten down, tore apart and tossed away with style!
But don't worry; at least you'll lose with a smile
You call yourself mad? I invented insanity!
Now bring the anger, the rage and all the profanity
A mere clown against a mad god, how could you even attack?
Your measly little pistol has got nothing on my Wabbajack!
I'll puncture the Penguin and scare off the Scarecrow
Defang Killer Croc and shatter Freeze with a low blow
Is it Joker or Jokette? I reall
Hellsing vs The Army of Darkness Part 6Integra’s OfficeHellsing vs The Army of Darkness Part 64 years ago in Comedy More Like This
In the next panel, we see Ash & the others in front of Integra’s desk. The desk has a laptop on it. Ash puts the DVD in the CD/DVD slot, and plays the DVD. The DVD picture comes to life, and shows a chair with its back facing the camera. Then, we hear Incognito’s voice.
Incognito: Hello Hellsing and…Mr. Williams, I am the new leader of Millennium. And yes Mr. Williams, I did trick you into attacking Alucard, and also have the Necronomicon *laugh*
Incognito’s right hand sticks out from the chair and its holding the Necronomicon. While seeing the book in Incognito’s hand, Ash clenches his fists tightly and grits his teeth.
Incognito: The moment that this message ends, you’ll all have exactly 5 hours to prepare your men, and yourselves for a war between me & my army of Deadites & surviving soldiers of the my Major’s Millennium army.
The camera moves to show the army of Nazi Deadites & Vampires. With the exception of Alucard
Rules for Morrowind Players1- Thou shalt feel actual guilt at killing innocent characters. Yes, they were part of a later quest.Rules for Morrowind Players8 years ago in General Fiction More Like This
2- Thou shalt not walk around in a town with weapons drawn. Even Balmora.
3- Thou shalt eventually kill one of these: Fargoth, Crassius Curio and/or M'Aiq the Liar.
4- Divayth Fyr is cool.
5- Thou shalt not do Moon Sugar.
6- Thou shalt not be racist towards a specific race, with the exception of the dirty Cliff Racers.
7- Swords are not only better, but cooler too. Axes are bulky. Staves make you look gay, even if you're a mage. Grab a sword, weenie.
8- Scamps are NOT overgrown cats; they are gremlins.
9- Before trying something, ask yourself if you have enough health. If the answer is yes, check the actual amount of health you have and think again. This will save your life someday.
10- "coc Balmora" will get you out of any hole.
11- Thou shalt cheat at least once during your first week. If you discover how, that is.
12- Thou shalt become addicted to cheating.
13- Thou shalt never play