So... you may have already seen my post on tumblr, this is the same thing. 'cept I'm going to go into a bit more detail. Forgive me for a second, but I'm going to get really personal.
Some of you may know, some of you might not, but I have a horrible and touchy history with my family/parents, mainly my dad. My parents / childhood has been a touchy subject with me, and usually when things relating to the two are brought up, it means something not good has happened. When I was little, it seemed like I was my parents precious little angel, their perfect, talented, smart, beautiful little baby... up until I was maybe six years old. My dad hit the beer, HARD, and whatever money our family had dwindled to absolutely nothing. My parents barely had a dollar to their name, and barely paid the bills. It wasnt unheard of in my house to go without electricity or water, or go to bed without eaten anything that day. Things were hard but I was too young to understand. My dad's drinking problem got worse and worse, and mom got a job somewhere so she was gone all day. It was just me, my dad, and my two little sisters most of the time. Before everything took a dip, I was a daddy's girl. I played with my dad all the time, and I loved him to death. He loved me to death. I was his little girl. After everything, it seemed like.. I was his favorite to mess with / bully / make do stuff. In our house, it was usually my responsibility to do everything from doing the laundry, to changing my sister's daiper, to cleaning the house. I did it all by myself at a really young age, and it felt like I rarely got to play. Every five minutes my dad would ask me to go do something, and never, NEVER was it good enough for him. I never did anything right. If I swept the floor, he would point out every single flaw and make me continue until he deemed it perfect. It was the same with my schoolwork. If I brought home anything less than a 100%, I got yelled at and criticized. "YOU LAZY BITCH," He'd yell at me, but would turn around and give my sister a five dollar bill for the same thing I would have done. Naturally, I started to stop caring about what I did and started to give up. I became depressed at about 8 years old. This depression lasted until I was about 14, and then was almost my breaking point...
Inbetween being 8 and 14 years old, I lost any motivation to do anything, I never talked to people, I never complained, I never asked for anything, and.. I never reached out for help. I bottled everything up, I rarely cried, and I felt as if I was some emotionless monster. It took until I was 14 to gather the courage to atleast tell someone how I felt and how things were over the years, and I instantly began to change. After opening up, my old personality from years ago came back, I could smile again, and I'm not so shy anymore around people. My life has CHANGED. Ever since my parents lost their jobs and we had to move in with my grandmother, my life has been so much better.
But still-- even with all of the improvements, I still have lots of problems. I can't sleep, I can't eat, my body is weak as SHIT, I have a hard time getting anything done, and its a pain. I do bad in school because I miss so much of it, not being able to go.
Anyways- on to what happened today. The day before, it was a busy busy day. I was in and out of my school from 7am to 9pm, running around back in forth in high heels (didnt expect I'd have to stick around for so long..) and I was EXHAUSTED. I didnt get a single thing done and I probably fell right asleep at around 10:00-10:30. I havent been on my computer for DAYS. I woke up the next morning just sore and still exhausted, barely able to sit up. I thought, there was NO way I'd be able to go to school like this. My mom, on the other hand, apparently wasn't exactly seeing this. I missed my bus, and pretty much laid back down and fell asleep. I woke up shortly after, so hungry my stomach hurt (I freaking hate this feeling), and had to pee. I used the bathroom, and mom was already starting to rage. She stood at the end of the hallway bitching at me to hurry up, and I was in no way ready to go. I still had to shower and other things. I went to the kitchen first to get some food but was INSTANTLY shot down, so then I had to just go get in the shower, I guess. Mom took my sister to school, and told me to be READY by the time she got home. I was already fucked from the start. I got in the shower, and right when I was about to get out, the bathroom door is ripped open, and my mom SCREAMS at the TOP of her voice "GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OUT OF THAT SHOWER NOWWWWW!"
So I wait for her to get her shit together and leave so I could get out, but no, she continues screaming at me until I have to say "WELL CAN YOU GET OUT SO I CAN GET DRESSED???", then she says "NOWWWWWWWWW!" one more time, and slams the door, then proceeding to go down the hallway and give my dad a faceful of shit talk about me which he ignorantly agreed with. Stuff like "Cant wait until the police show up at my door because of her," "She'll never get fucking anywhere besides mcdonalds," and stuff like that. It's like... WOMAN. WHAT. THE FUCK. Atleast I have fucking plans after graduating high school, and I'll tell you what, I will actually be getting MY ASS somewhere, unlike YOU who couldnt keep her damn legs closed and popped out three little accidents into a world you couldnt fucking provide for them. Atleast I will have the fucking money to have FOOD, ELECTRICTY, and WATER, and not have my kids all fucked up because of how they grew up. Atleast I dont do drugs, get drunk, have sex, or get into ANY trouble. I *NEVER* get into fucking trouble, so I dont see how I fucking come across as a delinquent to her, because atleast I've got some common sense.
I'm sorry for blowing up and getting deep and whiny, but I'm sick and tired of everything. Im SICK of waiting for school to get over with, I am SICK of waiting to turn 18 and be free. I probably sound like your typical bratty teenager here, but I just want to get out of this hell hole and finally be on my own. Yeah, being on your own is hard, yeah, there are bills and struggles, but I have delt with FAR worse in my lifetime and I will be fine. I'd atleast be doing better than my parents by then.
The one thing I wish I could have done, though, is ask for help. I wish I could have found a better way to have lived, or done something better with myself. I wish I had the courage to seek help or SOMETHING. I hate being so afraid, and having anxiety, and worried something wrong is always waiting around the corner. For the love of god, I want to be free.
Anyway, to the final point, after this morning ordeal, I am grounded. So.. both of my computers are getting taken away, I am not allowed to go out and see people, and my bedtime is 9pm. :I I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DO COMMISSIONS
until my school year has ended. I will not be online msn, MAYBE I can on skype if I can get it to work on my phone, and I wont be on dA or anything. I wont post drawings for atleast a month.
I'm really sorry guys.. right now I'm really upset and.. not in a good mood. If you want to talk to me while I'm gone, please send me an ask on tumblr while I still have internet for the time being and we'll find a way to talk.
Again, I'm sorry.. I really hate opening up like this but I just cant... take it anymore. I know I'm being an ungrateful shit, and there's much much worse out there, and that I kind of deserve this, but I just want to know there's still a light at the end of the tunnel I can follow.
Thanks everyone for supporting me so far, you all mean alot.
Goodbye for now. ;w;
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