I associate you with the cold.
I see you as the snowflakes resting on my eyelashes.
You're a delicate, soft weight on my cheeks
As my eyes flutter closed.
And then you're gone completely
Disappearing during the blink of an eye.
(It's not the first time.)
I relate you to the quiver of my lips
As I'm shivering on your doorstep while the snow blankets the earth.
You haven't been around in three days
And I'm worried that you're not okay.
But secretly, I know that you're fine
Because your lights are bleeding through the curtains.
(You never answered your door.)
I link you to the numbness in my body that starts in my fingertips,
And ends all the way down in my toes.
(It infects my body and I can't escape the immobilization)
I can't feel a thing, you know,
As the bitter void strikes my chest.
But maybe it's better that way.
But most importantly—
I associate you with chills.
With the way my body shudders back to life
As you wrap me in warm blankets to counteract the cold.
I identify you as the gooseflesh on my skin
As you tickle your fingertips up my arms as an apology.
I relate you to the chills I feel
As my heart restarts and tries to warn me
That this can only end badly,
That the past repeats and repeats and
(Repeats.)
I equate you with the chills in my mind,
The little warning signs, the flashing lights,
The throbbing sense of being used,
And I ignore it.
I associate you with the cold.
(But you're also the trembling chills that bring me back.)
