these oceanic arteries are killing me.i'm drawn to the ocean in a way that's anything but beautiful. i don't want a welcome embrace, i just want it to consume me. 'cause the ocean is so heavy and right now i'm so fucking fragile.
so i'll stand waist deep with the water curling tightly around me, lulling me further from the shore with the safe sung whispers of the wind as i let the waves crash into me. so that with each ebb and flow, piece by piece, the ocean can wash me away from you.
i can see myself crumbling away like the cliffs that surround the peaceful waters, and i wonder if your as fragile as i am right now. my breathing patterns have changed, as i don't want to be anything like you at all ever again.
it's not anything i'm proud of -- the way our worlds shifted and turned and collided to make the currents wash up on these shores with each of us standing at opposite ends of this expanse of water with no hope, no reason, no love, but it's the way things turned out. and now i should know better than to change everythi
time and space.It was a Tuesday when she hit the age she always thought would be the day she felt old, ticking past her teenage years, and into the old-enough-to-know-betters/young-enough-not-to-care age. It rained the day she blew out twenty three candles, and she had never had a wish come true, at least not one that didn't turn sour not long after, anyway. She laughed with the people around her, and drank wine like a mature young lady, despite the clouds she could feel forming in her ribcage. She wanted to know if this was what ageing felt like, if this was how all her birthdays would feel like from this one forward. She knew what the clouds were, and she knew it wasn't anything she needed to dwell on any more than she already had. Her birthday wasn't about to become a pity party, and no-one was going to cry today.time and space.3 years ago in Stories & Vignettes More Like This
Mother dearest had too much to drink, and toast after toast rolled out, spilling embarrassing childhood memories leaving her cheeks ever-red and her eyes resting in the palms of hands hi
you won't let meyou see right through me.you won't let me3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
but miss this one bit i cannot push through teeth and off tongue.
this heart is yours.
a little more than it should be.
mapping the ache.She learned anatomy when he broke her heart. She liked how she could track the stinging, burning pain as it delved deeper into her. Starting in her throat, a heavy lump that wouldn't move anymore than a cm a day. it would travel through her veins, like back lanes, leaving behind big clouds of exhaust fumes that make her skin tarnish, and her blood thicken. the pain, gets a little stronger. moves a little further. with her bones structure mapped and blown up on the wall across from her bed, she woke up each morning, and closed her eyes. she sat quiet and still with breath held, trying to pinpoint the pain. she'd trace the wall and place a small gold star where is had reached that day. it was quite beautiful really. this skeletal system, scattered with little stars. her own constellation.mapping the ache.3 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
it was a realisation that everything can be traced back to her heart. it beats and bleeds and aches and yearns and everything it feels is shot through your synapses and
i am an ocean nothing floats on.i am an ocean that nothing floats on.i am an ocean nothing floats on.3 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
her mother always told her that each part of her body was capable of becoming something hard and cold, something that a military man could arm himself with and leave a trail of destruction. There was an anchor in the pit of her stomach, resting on the bottom of a black and white ocean, carelessly tossed in by a reckless boy with matching eyes. it leads her to somewhere she has never been. It sinks her to ocean floor and leaves her waiting for the waves to stir her back to the surface.she learned about space, and the gaps that leave people feeling empty and lonely, and throughout the years of her youth, everything related back to the ocean residing inside her chest cavity which on the coldest and emptiest nights she could feel thrash and peak and cause her to choke and spit it up in violent convulsions. she learned that her stomach acids were responsible for the curve of her bones and the shapes of the shadows they made in sunlight. as her years tic
ache.she learned of a heaviness, that pressed down on all of your pressure points and leftache.3 years ago in Stories & Vignettes More Like This
you bent over and screaming from pain and emptiness and feeling to many things at once. she
learned that sometimes its not being numb that hurts the most, its the flooding of emotions,
feeling a million things at once and not being able to distinguish one from the other, and
not being able to fix any of them because fixing one makes another one worse. its being stuck
in between all these emotions and wanting to make it all stop and knowing that you just cant.
its not possible. no amount of tea or milk or fowl burning whiskey could ever untangle or
separate these feelings and you're left feeling a great big tangle of cords, like headphones
and you cannot fathom how they got like this is the two mintues you left them for, and how
the words are still coming out straight despite the twists and turns and big fucking knots.
thats all she feels like.
a big fucking knot
NaPoWriMo 2012.april 1stNaPoWriMo 2012.3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
i am green. and red. and giving myself bruises.
you smile, i smile.
[my smile drops]
i think i would like to take flight
and travel far from the worlds depths
trading my arms for wings
becoming a creature of the sky
rather than of the sea or ever of land.
each feeling trailed down his arm
leaking and bleeding like water colour emotions.
just for once to be solid
in at least one aspect
you're giving me feelings in my tummy that i had forgotten.
the oceans aren't quite so scary
and they seem like they're going to carry me
somewhere nice rather than pulling me underneath
the fruit was sweet
and the sun was bright
and both made you shine
and glitter as bright as
i've ever seen you.
you shone so brightly it
made my heart grow a little in its warmth
too many drinks
too much testosterone
too much shooting
boys are stupid
i want to punch you in your stupid smug hipster fuck face.
you are scum,
illumine - the story of hannah rose.there was irregularity in her body, something inside her wasn't fitting right with all the other pieces and it left her feeling weak and alone. there was a misconnection with the wires inside her precious head, and she shouted at the air, and threw things at mirrors and wanted to rip her skin off feeling trapped beneath its overwhelming mass, she feared what was beneath it, and never quite understood why the things she imagined were so different to what the numbers told her, they said so much less than she felt, and she simply decided they were lying and she was in fact a monster. she often wondered if everyone else felt this kind of weight pressing up on every single inch of their bodies, pushing joints and pulling tendons and leaving all of you tired and bruised and burning with lactic acid. if everyone was washed in this kind of blueness and instead of seeing red, they just saw a monochromatic scale and that made things even worse than seeing all the pain in colour. she imaged thatillumine - the story of hannah rose.3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
i'd call it love, if it wasn't suffocating.every time it rains,i'd call it love, if it wasn't suffocating.3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
i think of you.
because that's all there is--
and a quick breath of air
before we all go under.
every time it rains,
i swear i'm drowning.
today i became another girl.there are volcano's inside me, and i suppose they've always been theretoday i became another girl.3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
laying dormant, and waiting for the right magnitude to shake my body
and let it errupt and leave me completely burned out inside.
hollow, but full at the same time, full of all the wrong things.
we're all made of stories.We're all either made of cells or stories, but in your case, it's both. You're somehow bigger than what one body can contain. And I know that all of this all these words and breaths and spaces aren't enough to explain you. You're better than any fiction will ever be.we're all made of stories.3 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
I remember sitting in the passenger seat of your car, watching the familiar city streets flick by, fast like a picture book. It felt like there was something I was missing between the pages and second story houses, but I couldn't place it. I had my arms wrapped tight around my middle, holding my insides in since I was afraid with every passing moment I would let their contents spill. You wouldn't look at me, but you kept talking. For the first time ever, I wished you would stop. You were telling me that you could never love me and I was completely aware that I had already foolishly followed you in too deep and now you were letting me know that you had been drowning for years. You were promising to take me und
seasons passing.i caught you tiptoeing through my fogged up mind in the early hours of thisseasons passing.3 years ago in Stories & Vignettes More Like This
morning and i wondered why i didn't feel you in the depths of my heart
stinging like pin prick, and how come it was still light even though you
always cause the rain to leak down my windows. you were lighter somehow,
with summer kissing your skin rather than the gray winter that usually
hung so heavily from your far too boney anatomy, and your mouth had
re learned to fight gravity and stand upright once more.
which made me fight gravity again as well.
i'd forgotten that your eyes were the most spectacular shade of sunshine with
greens and blues all swirled together together to make fireworks explode from
your iris. they'd been bleak and washed out for so long that i'd forgotten how
they made my insides squirm and feel all light and airy. like that instead of
drowning in them, just maybe i could float on them away to somewhere wonderful and lovely.
i'd missed that, not having to avoid your gaze in case i got cau
playing hopscotch with death.i.playing hopscotch with death.4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
she lay outstretched on the surface
the frozen pond, hoping that
the ice would crack and submerge
her into the icy waters.
and as the ice split and she fell
through into the black water,
instincts come to the rescue and she
emerged blue and purple but alive.
she danced and tippy-toed around
her kitchen, spilling kerosene in her path
then struck the match, hoping the flames
would engulf her in this roaring inferno.
and as the flames raged through the day
and into the night, making the house glow amber.
and somehow she walked out
she twirled around on the dew covered
grass until her head was spinning and
the world was a blur, hoping that gravity
would push her to the ground with a sickening thud.
and as her head collided with the soft earth
her eyes rolled back into
their sockets and her lips turned blue ashen
but she continued to breathe.
illumine.sometimes she wanted to tear the skin off her arms and dip the bared bones under waterillumine.3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
and see if they still swelled and grew into logs rather than the twigs she craved.
it was as if there were little sandbags under the surface and they were delicately lined
and the water would sink inside them and grow and bulge and drag her into the water
but the weight is invisible, and despite the weight and the grey she feels all over
her feet wont reach the bottom, and her toes are the only thing losing feeling.
i'm telling myself not to get my hopes up.It's been a long time since I felt like this.i'm telling myself not to get my hopes up.3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
It's all small kicks of my heartbeat
and subtle smiles when no one's looking.
I'm checking my phone messages
more times than any girl should,
but you're not letting me down.
You remind me of a time when things were easy
before I memorized what sadness felt like
and stopped feeling alive.
And for the first time, I don't feel broken
in a way that can't be fixed.
I don't feel like I was built in a way
that doesn't fit.
I hope it's worth it when I'm gone.I can't even pretend things are simple anymore.I hope it's worth it when I'm gone.3 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
It's raining again, and with every crash of thunder, I miss you more than I can bear. I know it's not worth saying, because really nothing much is anymore, but it doesn't make it any less true.
It's eleven ten on a Friday night, and I'm sitting in the middle of the grass, watching the downpour spill off the roof. My t-shirt is clinging to my ribcage, and my hair is sticking to my face. I can feel the water running down the ridges of my spine, the backs of my hands, clumping in my eyelashes, but still, I don't move. Sometimes, when I can't stand what the world is doing anymore, I allow myself a thunderstorm to wash everything away.
It's the meteorological equivalent to a clean break. Faster to heal -- or at least, that's what they say.
The lightning is tearing across the sky, cutting through the darkness like a crack in the atmospheric layers. I'm staring at this like I half expect all the air to disappear around me while the world disinte
this isn't progress, because you're irreversible.You were never meant for me.this isn't progress, because you're irreversible.3 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
I knew it in the most obvious manner. It was in the way you had a subtle sort of comfort in your own skin a quiet and humble confidence while I struggled to make sense of the prints on my fingertips and the way one of my eyes crinkled in the corner more than the other when I smiled. You felt safe with yourself while I was always warring with my own reflection. Half the time, I didn't know who I was. A quarter of the time, I still don't. You would call this progress if you were here to see, but I just call it sad.
When you miss something for long enough, you start to forget the exact way that things happened. Or the exact way they happened to fall apart. For instance, I don't remember the first time you didn't call, but I do remember when you told me you loved me but not enough. It's never enough, is it? The point is you were gone before I could even say goodbye. You were gone before you were ever really here, but somehow I let myself bu
i'm not going to say i've missed youthere is enough air in mei'm not going to say i've missed you3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
to shatter the ocean.
i will tell you straight,
another thousand miles
would not dim the stars
i hold for you.
the aches in my thumbs
forceful and hollow,
strong enough to
kill a rabbit.
i never want to meet
someone like you again.
i never want to move on,
i never want to move -
i want to wait
where i sit, bleeding,
until you come around.
i will know this
by the way your eyes
in the car,
creating stars in the dark
of its cab,
a personal night sky.
i will never let slip
the secrets you have left
on my skin;
the secret ways
in which you loved me,
and only me.
i will lick my cuts
and hope to heal,
and press memories of our bodies,
two interlocking spirals,
to the backs of your eyelids
so that you will remember us
as we were,
as the first and last things
when you come and go
from an ocean-deep slumber.
24 shades of blue.Disjointed thoughts would rush through his head when this feeling overpowered him, crashing over him with the power of a tidal wave. It left all bones shaking and unsteady and his heart quivering, shivering and barely beating. Sometimes he wanted it to stop all together, thinking it had to be better than this half life, this scared-of-everything kind of feeling creeping around him like an unfinished ghost, breathing on the back of his neck.24 shades of blue.3 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
He was perpetually trapped in Wisconsin where the trees were as dull as his heart beat had become. He noticed that the display of the changing of the seasons wasn't ever the spectacle it was supposed to be. No symphony of greens transitioning into the most magnificent of crimsons and coppers, simply moving from one sullen shade to the next. Even the seasons hated this dead end town. It was the kind of place you drove through on your way to somewhere else, not exactly a destination. Nothing special, and nothing noteworthy.
He could stand at the highe
clouded up.One day they all just stopped.clouded up.3 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
The clouds in her chest dispersed and she couldn't let her fingers spin delicate stories like she once would when her heart felt too heavy. She could still imagine all the scenes that would leave her throat tight, the highways that sliced through forests and oceans that weren't as beautiful as everyone kept telling her. There was a kind of distance that she couldn't ever comprehend. Lovers complain about having mountains between them, and of waking to dial-tones and message banks. No-one ever tells of the loved one who is around the corner, barricaded by nothing but their own darkness and heaviness. There are some things that no-one ever talks about. Her mother taught her there are some kinds of sadness that you can't get out in a way that's comprehensible. She taught Screaming into pillows, writing mantras on your arms, and drinking your body weight in warm tea can lessen the ache though. At least until the words flow aga
born to dieit has been a yearborn to die3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
since you have made me cry
always being second
eats at your bones
and low standards
lead me nowhere
winter always reminds me of you.It never snowed last December, but it was always there on the horizon. Like a bad dream on the periphery of my vision, a relentless reminder that I don't ever have control over things the way I think I do. The way I want to. Recently, I realized that I feel everything a bit too sharply. The cold. The pain. The nothingness.winter always reminds me of you.3 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
It's heart wrenching. It's stomach twisting.
The minute you were gone, the air in my lungs left too. It's amazing how long you can live without breathing. It's much longer than anyone tends to claim. Truthfully, it's not even the thing I miss anymore. I only miss you. I miss the feelings. I miss anything that isn't the slow crack and settle of this old building. Or the familiar beating of my heart. The sun rising and falling from the sky each and every day.
I don't remember what it's like to not wake up to a pattern, but I do remember that it was so much better than this.
I used to never know what to expect. Now I have no expectations at all. It didn't take me long t
human hibernation.i wish i could say it rained the day we gave you back to the earth, that even the heavens were crying for you. it didn't though. it was 28 degrees and our black coats of grief were heavy in so many ways. it felt unfair, and i wasn't ready to let you go just yet, if i could have put myself in the wretched box i would have in a heartbeat. the cliches were in full force that day, and i didn't care for a minute. all i knew is the earth, or god, or whoever took you from me better be grateful to have you back.human hibernation.3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
there was something in my stomach that day, a knot, a twist, something that felt wrong and out of place from the second i opened my eyes that morning. my boots were heavier than usual, and i just couldn't shake this shadow that seemed to be following me. my mind sorted through the usual excuses; is the oven off? did i lock the cat in accidentally? oh shit, the garbage that must be it.
i wish now it was just the cat inside the house, the worst thing i would have had to deal with then wa