30 Day Trans Challenge: Day 1
When did you learn the term "transgender" referred to you?
That's Hannah up there.
Well, You see I grew up in a Christian house with 5 older siblings (3 sisters and 1 brother). Yes, I grew up as a little girl and never really heard the term Trans till about the age of twelve or so. During that time I knew there was something different about me compared to the other kids I played with but obviously didn't really pay much attention to it. My friends and I played "imaginary games" Where now I'd just call it poor roleplay. hah. But they always had me play the boy roles and told me that I'd make a really cool guy or that I'd be better as one. Which only furthered my confusion though I didn't think too much into it.
Once I started 6th grade I instantly became best friends with this girl named Lucy. I found her adorable, really nice, cool, and slowly found that my feelings drifted from best friend to love interest I guess. So one night when I slept over she kisse
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2. How did you choose your name, and what names were you thinking about using and why?
Well I've always liked the name Kyle. Nothing really had me emotionally attached the name- I just have always really liked it.
I knew that I liked it completely when I went to visit my brother Nikolai you see. I took the train to the city to stay 5 days and nobody called me by Kyle. Or even tried to be honest. It was very annoying and I didn't like it one bit.
Anyway, I forgot to mention that I only had told a few people online and my mum who told my dad then told my sister Rosemary. My mum doesn't quite get it but is trying though when I told her she said in these words,
"You'll always be my beautiful little girl."
Which hurt alot for me since, No. I am not a little girl. I am a 14 going on 15 year old Guy. Sure my body says otherwise, but that isn't anyone's business other than my own. You know? Someone's body shouldn't be able to define who a person is.
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3)"Have you ever been outed?"
No not yet, And hopefully not ever. I mean sometimes it's hard to pass for me since I have yet to go shopping for guy clothes let alone a binder. //le sigh
So most of the time I just come off as a tom boy for most. Hopefully that'll get better..
4)"How did your family take it when you came out/ if you're not out, why aren't you?"
Well; after talking it over with a handful of supportive friends over facebook that I know in person and a few online- I told my mum. I started out with asking how she felt when my big brother (I mentioned before) came out to her- stating that he was gay when he was 16. After we talked abit about that she asked me if I liked girls, catching onto what my intentions of the entire conversation was. I then told her that it was abit more than then, alot more than just that.
I told her that I was uncomfortable with my body and that I've been feeling this way for a long while. That I was a f2m Trans. She was a bit confused
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8) How do you deal with being read mis-genderd in the beginning of transitioning by people?
Sadly I am still at the very beginning of my transition. As much as it annoys me when people assume that I'm a chick- I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I don't even see myself as passing yet. Though sadly I feel like I'm stuck in limbo since I don't see myself as a girl fortunately. But not so much a guy yet. But meh, appearances change over time. Once I'm further into my transition I'm sure that I'll feel better and more confident about that.
Right now I'm still living off of girl's skinny jeans which make me feel like a chicken. Along with tight shirts and sports bras. But my birthday is coming and if I get any money I'll buy my first binder from underworks. Yey binders! I'm really excited because sports bras don't do a thing. It's just like going around without anything on for me Though like I mentioned before-I'm very petite.
BLAH. Boobs is a cool word and I enjoy ma
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14) What are some of your passing tips or things you do to pass?
Uhmm Wow I'm not really sure how to answer this to be honest. I should have the word "noob" plastered to my back. Lol. But uh, one of the things that really helped me was my haircut. Getting a good masculine haircut helps(though I don't think that my haircut is any bit masculine.) Be careful, having short hair does not mean that it's masculine, there's certain things that you must do, or it will just look like a pixie cut. But you don't need to just go to a barber and pick out the MANLIEST HAIRCUT EVER. Because in my opinion you should still act like yourself and pick out things that you still like and are you.
I mean, just because I came out as a transboy- doesn't mean I'm going to stop liking neon rainbows, HelloKitty, pink, uh...things that the stereotypical girl likes. I mean, I'm obsessed with my hair and paint my nails. Because it's fun and I like it. Showing off things that you like and enjoy doe
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15) How have you embraced your trans identity?
This question is a bit vague, but I'll do my best.
Pretty much the biggest thing is: I've stopped fighting it. I've tried to stop wishing things were some other way, because they're not. This is the lot I got in this life and wanting it to be otherwise only makes me despair. In fact, I'm proud to say that I'm trans. I'm finally happy with myself because I am no longer afraid to stray far beyond the life styles of my peers. They all act alike and if anyone falls out of line they're usually discriminated and made fun of. I find that unfair and ridiculous. Kids should be able to go around happy with themselves- unafraid to do what makes them independent and unique.
I'm sure alot of you are aware of how 12-15 year old kids act, I know I'm overly familiar with it. In the beginning of middleschool everyone new is nervous and scared, sticking by their elementary friends- slowly getting used to the new atmosphere. Then
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11)"How do you manage dysphoria?"
Well, I guess it kind of depends on the situation. What most transguys get dysphoric about is that certain time of the month, but not me anymore, anyway. Think of it like this: it's like getting a gunshot wound in your junk, slapping a bandaid on it and going about life for an entire week as per usual. Now that is incredibly manly!
But other things that I've done when I'm feeling upset and dysphoric- is to listen to alot of music. For some reason bands like Blue Stahli and Billy Talent make me feel worse though...So I usually end up listening to the soundtrack from Across the Universe or just Dubstep. Or sleep...Or just so simple exercise.
Because I'm really self conscious about my hips,thighs, and butt. My chest is small and I don't really pay much attention to it...Hah. I don't really have bottom dysphoria much, but I always point out to myself, my big hips, breasts, girly facial structure, voice, thighs, curves, all of that. But
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17) What's your binding choice and why?
Well my one and only binder is 997 at Underworks and it's really comfy and works really well.Though since its like a wifebeater, it likes to roll up abit sometimes which pisses me off. XD;;
18) How do you feel about the trans laws where you live?
Well the only one that I can name off the top of my head is that StarBucks have in their policy that they don't hire Transgendered people. But uh, I don't really know any other than that.
19) If your religious how do your views effect being trans if your not religious what about your family religions?
Well like I mentioned a long while back, my entire family are Christians. Well besides my brother who is Pagan, which is cool too. But as much as I'd like to call myself Christian as well, I've just been having alot of trouble. I know that other people can't speak for god and no matter what they say when they say things like, "God doesn't love you, you're sinning." It's still jus
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12)What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically?
I'm not as healthy physical wise as I need to be for the transition. I want to start lifting weights, jog, do active nice stuff... To be honest, I really enjoy working out and being active, But it's just been rather frustrating for me as of late since it's been a really windy and rainy spring and I don't want to go outside even if it killed me. Hah. But after one little trip to the gym with a friend I can see a little arm muscle growth which is sooo amazing~ So if I work on keeping that sort of thing up it'll be easier to go out and do things like that.
My mum should be scheduling me in to meet my therapist so I'm also looking forward to that. However I'm actually pretty nervous because I've never actually met one- and I don't know what type of questions she'll be asking. She's supposedly worked with a ftm before so I guess that should make me alittle bit more comfortable. Not really, but I
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5) Are you active in the trans community or LGBT community
This'll be a rather short day but here we go.
I am not yet as active in the community as I would like to be but I plan on changing that. I mean, I only just introduced myself to the LGBT community one day one of this meme. To be honest, I was so freaking surprised on all of the feedback I got for it too. Not that I'm not thankful for it- I truly am.
It's kind of funny though because the day before I found this 30 day Challenge, I was feeling extremely depressed and upset. I didn't know any other people who I could relate to or were like me in any way. I felt so alone and upset, confused. You know All those good jolly things that come with depression. But once I posted that first day and my very long (or atleast it was long for me) answer, and got of your attention and feedback from that. Some said that you and I were very similar, others offered to talk whenever, made alot of friends All of those feelings I had
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7) Who do you look up to?
There are many people I look up to for different reasons. I look up to my friends who accept me for who I am and have supported me through some really difficult times.
But as far as who do I look up too in the trans Community? Well, I'm so very new to it, that I'm not entirely sure. I mean, the first person who I actually got to talk to online who is a Transguy was Marcus, I found him on his Youtube called Dearkitona. He seemed really cool and he has this timeline that I could relate to so much it made me cry.
Because I'm a baby, shut your mouth.
My sister. She is so incredibly strong and knows what she wants and goes after it. She's always been a smartypants for as long as I can remember- She didn't really go to highschool you see, she went for one year and was too smart for the classes so she went straight to college. I mean, She's only 17 and she has moved out and lives in an apartment, has an awesome job..So someday I want
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28)What is something you do daily to feel comfortable with yourself?
Call myself Kyle. Draw myself as a male. Mess around with my itty bitty new wardrobe and act boyish. I also just talk to my friends here on dA. becauseImforeveralone sobsobsob.
I Have a not so secret obsession with hair. I really like to try new styles or dyeing my own hair and stuff like that- So in other words I never leave the house without styling it the way I want that day. OTL. I dyed it today actually, PURPLE CHECKERS. But I'm also obsessive with skin care and I guess just basic hygiene. Because I'm a teenager and my skin is like, "DFSDHDFHTDHTYH" randomly out of the blue. QQ
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6) Who was the first person you told about being trans
Well I know this question only asks who the first person I told- I may as well say a few since otherwise the question would have a 3 syllable answer. lol.
The first few people I told were all very good friends of mine. Three who I know in person and two others who I know over the internet. Though I didn't tell them face to face because I sometimes have trouble communicating important and serious things with my voice. Their names are Jayden, Jordan, Madi, Sammy, and Andrea.
Yes Andy I put you last soak it up. xD
But after telling them, I was happy to know that they all understood and were totally okay with it. Like I said, they're all very close friends of mine. Though I did find it kind of funny that Jordan, (a friend I've known in person for a good eight years of my life) Said that she wasn't all that surprised. When we were little I always wanted to play with her brother and his toys which I find kind of funny n
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9)What is something positive about being trans*?
Well, I get to be myself and that's definitely positive! I don't really think there's anything positive about it besides being able to live your life the way you always should have. Not that there's anything negative about it, per se, it's just hard. Y'know?
Another positive about being trans, (in my opinion) is that it sort of opened me up to this whole new world. I like that I learned so much about all the different ways people can be, and I don't know this for sure, but I might not have realized that to the extent that I do now if I wasn't trans. Also, I have met some really wonderful people. And, this is kind of sucky to say, but it sort of helps you realize who your real friends are.
For instance, when I came out, I lost a friend. We talked a couple weeks later, and she told me that she'd pushed me away because she thought I was going to hell and whatnot, but then she did some research and she came around and she told m
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Well as much as I'd prefer using the mens now, I'm still not passing enough and kinda freak out when I have to choose. It's just awkward for me, for example I was at the mall with my brother and we took a trip to the restroom and I paused outside of them- just standing there awkwardly, trying to figure out which one I should enter. But it was embarrassing since people were around me so I rushed to the girls room.
So yeah, once my binder gets here in the mail I'll probably take a few trips in there to build up courage. But till then I just avoid public stall bathrooms because it freaks me out. Oh lol I'm ridiculous I know. Though another stupid/silly thing about this topic is that even when I can bring myself into the mens room I'd obviously use the stall. Getting a STP has never crossed my mind though because I'm a baby and think that guy parts and lady parts are really gross. SHOOSH IM A BABY.
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29) Write out something positive about yourself using the letters of your name. Ex. Your name is Bob so B-Beautiful O-Outstanding B-Boy
Okay this is weird and so in turn I'll just write the first word that pops in my head instead of something positive. Because there really is no reason why I'd do so lol.
30) Write a haiku about being trans
I can't wait to shave,
Have a stupidly deep voice,
And go out topless.
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25)What are your doctor/therapist visits like?
Well I actually haven't met my counselor yet. But I'll probably write about it if anything interesting comes up when I go to our first meeting next week.
26)Do you feel comfortable answering questions about being trans* if say your teacher/friend/stranger asked you?
I would be fine with answering questions from a friend or teacher, or really anyone I know personally, as long as they were polite about it. If they were asking out of genuine curiosity then I think that's good, and I want to be able to tell people about trans* issues since most don't understand them. but if they just thought being genderqueer was funny or weird so they decided to ask stupid questions, I probably wouldn't be too happy.
and if a stranger asked me? might be a little awkward and it would depend on where we were, what they actually asked, if we'd already been talking about other things it's all about the context I suppose. i'm fine with an
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16) What's your rock anthem and why?
Tough one .
"The Motions- Matthew West: Because it hits home with the depression and the feelings that I felt for so long with not understanding what was wrong with me Truthfully, Their music among with many other songs help me fight through my negative emotions when they dare to bother me. I'm usually not the most unhappy of teenagers, in fact I try my best to be cheerful and happy in order to help motivate the ones I care about around me so they'll be happy too... Because if anything, seeing people even strangers being upset or crying just makes me want to do anything to help cheer them up and let them know that somebody else cares about them, even if I'm just a mere stranger.
Yes I am so full of creeper status muah.
Then there is this song "Queen - Don't Stop Me Now". It just makes me feel good and influences me to be all hyper and bouncy. Hah.
But then again I just like all sorts of music~ MANY MOR
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10)What are some of your fears in regard to being trans*?
Well, being outed in an unsafe place is definitely one. I mean, it's one thing being outed at school or a party (lol like I go to parties) or some similar shit, but what about being outed in the locker room, or the washroom? It's not like I've never been in a fight or anything before, but people get touchy when it comes to their "privacy" and I don't want to get the shit beat out of me because of some stupid reason.
Or just at times I'm afraid I'm not passing at all...Although since my friends mother butchered my hair and cut most of it off I pass alot more...I guess I shouldn't be too disgruntled about that.//sob sob. But I'm also finally buying my first binder from underworks today! so that's very exciting.
But another fear is the number of hate crimes against trans people is really scary. They usually get ignored by the general public, too. So i guess i'm scared that people will use it as an excuse to hurt me. I'm sure