mapping the ache.She learned anatomy when he broke her heart. She liked how she could track the stinging, burning pain as it delved deeper into her. Starting in her throat, a heavy lump that wouldn't move anymore than a cm a day. it would travel through her veins, like back lanes, leaving behind big clouds of exhaust fumes that make her skin tarnish, and her blood thicken. the pain, gets a little stronger. moves a little further. with her bones structure mapped and blown up on the wall across from her bed, she woke up each morning, and closed her eyes. she sat quiet and still with breath held, trying to pinpoint the pain. she'd trace the wall and place a small gold star where is had reached that day. it was quite beautiful really. this skeletal system, scattered with little stars. her own constellation.
it was a realisation that everything can be traced back to her heart. it beats and bleeds and aches and yearns and everything it feels is shot through your synapses and
a lack of colour.when she was nine she felt her heart explode for the first time. it wasn't enough to splinter or shatter anything, but it left dents, craters along the walls of her chest. when she inhaled she could feel each breath catch on the rough edges of the reformed terrain, and she learned that her body was a landscape, shifting and changing constantly. and she was only 13 the time her first an earthquake erupted from the depths between her hips, she knew that she wasn't going to stay like this for much longer. there was something higher than her that would play her like a puppet, moulding her with unseen hands, turning her flats into mountains, and her small frame into something that wider and more womanly.a lack of colour.4 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
it was winter when she first fell for something out her control, and for her it the way she could pick up a stone in her freshly hardened palms, and feel the weight and be grounded. she could throw it through the wind and it would slice through the wind, det
lifeboat.i take photos of your topographylifeboat.4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
map you like a landscape
and overlap us to find we match
our mountains and dips
they are opposites.
i traced your back while you sleeping
and let my fingers move along each love mark
showing where we are meant to go from here.
and it seems good.
we seem good.
and i know now that my fear
of the ocean is irrelevent because
wherever the waves take me
you'll float too
you'll keep me afloat.
clouded up.One day they all just stopped.clouded up.3 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
The clouds in her chest dispersed and she couldn't let her fingers spin delicate stories like she once would when her heart felt too heavy. She could still imagine all the scenes that would leave her throat tight, the highways that sliced through forests and oceans that weren't as beautiful as everyone kept telling her. There was a kind of distance that she couldn't ever comprehend. Lovers complain about having mountains between them, and of waking to dial-tones and message banks. No-one ever tells of the loved one who is around the corner, barricaded by nothing but their own darkness and heaviness. There are some things that no-one ever talks about. Her mother taught her there are some kinds of sadness that you can't get out in a way that's comprehensible. She taught Screaming into pillows, writing mantras on your arms, and drinking your body weight in warm tea can lessen the ache though. At least until the words flow aga
breathe deep.i am letting you go.breathe deep.3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
not in any grand symbolic gesture
or split second epiphany.
it will be quiet
and i will hold my breath.
you will no longer rule my heart.
or haunt my bones
seasons passing.i caught you tiptoeing through my fogged up mind in the early hours of thisseasons passing.4 years ago in Stories & Vignettes More Like This
morning and i wondered why i didn't feel you in the depths of my heart
stinging like pin prick, and how come it was still light even though you
always cause the rain to leak down my windows. you were lighter somehow,
with summer kissing your skin rather than the gray winter that usually
hung so heavily from your far too boney anatomy, and your mouth had
re learned to fight gravity and stand upright once more.
which made me fight gravity again as well.
i'd forgotten that your eyes were the most spectacular shade of sunshine with
greens and blues all swirled together together to make fireworks explode from
your iris. they'd been bleak and washed out for so long that i'd forgotten how
they made my insides squirm and feel all light and airy. like that instead of
drowning in them, just maybe i could float on them away to somewhere wonderful and lovely.
i'd missed that, not having to avoid your gaze in case i got cau
lightspeed.no-one wants to hear about my neurosis. no-one wants to hear about how i think i'm losing my mind, and i want to know how it feels to drown, or explode or just stop existing for long enough for someone to notice that maybe i matter a little more than i've been led to believe. i want to stop this constant tight in my chest, and replace it with static nothingness. i want to stop the shaking of all my limbs and feel steady for the first time in my life, to calm the ocean that is raging through my blood vessels. i don't have blood, there is salted water there instead, and the moons phases are controlling it and changing the tides, that are making my moods and my emotions fluctuate in ways that i cannot describe. i've heard of the moon making men into monsters with hair and teeth, but i am just a girl, with a rabbit heart, and lion skin.lightspeed.3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
i am so much more than i seem.
we don't sound like a whisper.The sun never sets over the water, but you still take me there whenever dusk comes to meet the horizon. We sit out on the rocks with me tucked tight against your chest, while you count stars like other people count blessings, but we're only half lucky with all these city lights ruining your chances. I know you're tired, love, but I'm terrified. I'm running out of ways to stop myself from telling you I miss you because twenty four hours isn't a long time to be separated and I'm really just more afraid of what you're doing when I'm not there -- and of what you're thinking when I am. I've been burnt enough times before to learn that loving with only half your heart will save you from the fire, but I know that's not what I'm doing here. I don't want you to be a mistake worth making. I want this to be real this time.we don't sound like a whisper.3 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
I keep playing out all the ways you could hurt me in my head, not because I think you will, but because it'll sting less if it actually happens. I've learned to prepare myself
i'm telling myself not to get my hopes up.It's been a long time since I felt like this.i'm telling myself not to get my hopes up.3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
It's all small kicks of my heartbeat
and subtle smiles when no one's looking.
I'm checking my phone messages
more times than any girl should,
but you're not letting me down.
You remind me of a time when things were easy
before I memorized what sadness felt like
and stopped feeling alive.
And for the first time, I don't feel broken
in a way that can't be fixed.
I don't feel like I was built in a way
that doesn't fit.
peaking.she has too many old flames that are threatening to set fire to the kindling of her ribcage, leaving her tongue stinging, and her words coming out as puffs of smoke. she never was one to understand how to extinguish something as bright and powerful as fire. it scared her, more than she ever would admit to anyone but the ghosts that would come to her at night. for someone with fire in her fingertips, she was so at home amongst the heights of the evergreens. she wished that anything about her was that stable. everlasting, and unchanging.peaking.3 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
her heart was a fawn, easily startled and quick to flee, never staying in one place for long, and never letting anything get too close. closeness means risking getting hurt. however, no-one ever told her that the loneliness of solitude hurts too. she learned there were so many varying pains, each one as different as the seasons that rolled and changed. most seasons brought on a different pain.
in summer she was born from the ocean, with freckles scatteri
we're all made of stories.We're all either made of cells or stories, but in your case, it's both. You're somehow bigger than what one body can contain. And I know that all of this all these words and breaths and spaces aren't enough to explain you. You're better than any fiction will ever be.we're all made of stories.3 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
I remember sitting in the passenger seat of your car, watching the familiar city streets flick by, fast like a picture book. It felt like there was something I was missing between the pages and second story houses, but I couldn't place it. I had my arms wrapped tight around my middle, holding my insides in since I was afraid with every passing moment I would let their contents spill. You wouldn't look at me, but you kept talking. For the first time ever, I wished you would stop. You were telling me that you could never love me and I was completely aware that I had already foolishly followed you in too deep and now you were letting me know that you had been drowning for years. You were promising to take me und
playing hopscotch with death.i.playing hopscotch with death.4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
she lay outstretched on the surface
the frozen pond, hoping that
the ice would crack and submerge
her into the icy waters.
and as the ice split and she fell
through into the black water,
instincts come to the rescue and she
emerged blue and purple but alive.
she danced and tippy-toed around
her kitchen, spilling kerosene in her path
then struck the match, hoping the flames
would engulf her in this roaring inferno.
and as the flames raged through the day
and into the night, making the house glow amber.
and somehow she walked out
she twirled around on the dew covered
grass until her head was spinning and
the world was a blur, hoping that gravity
would push her to the ground with a sickening thud.
and as her head collided with the soft earth
her eyes rolled back into
their sockets and her lips turned blue ashen
but she continued to breathe.
if you're an ocean, then i'm drowning.You are a calculated mistake if you're an ocean, then i'm drowning.3 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
something that I've known is wrong from the very start. And I wake up next to you every morning lately, praying that your split lips don't sink me even though I know it's too late.
You're already taking me under, because, baby
you're heavy like hurricane. Like a thousand drops of rain pounding down on my shoulder blades. You're seeping into my skin and into my bloodstream. It's only a matter of time until you spread to my heart.
It's too late. I'm already drowning in you.
It's too late, but god, I cannot love you.
You're like the last boy I kissed
which means I should already be working on forgetting the exact way your fingertips press into my hipbones or how my name sounds curled up in your mouth and the way you like to speak it so careful like a secret like if you said it too loud, I could get away from you. Like you want to keep me. But mostly I should forget you.
And sometimes, I try, but right now, I'm calculating the
these oceanic arteries are killing me. (collab)i'm drawn to the ocean in a way that's anything but beautiful. i don't want a welcome embrace, i just want it to consume me. 'cause the ocean is so heavy and right now i'm so fucking fragile.these oceanic arteries are killing me. (collab)3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
so i'll stand waist deep with the water curling tightly around me, lulling me further from the shore with the safe sung whispers of the wind as i let the waves crash into me. so that with each ebb and flow, piece by piece, the ocean can wash me away from you.
i can see myself crumbling away like the cliffs that surround the peaceful waters, and i wonder if you're as fragile as i am right now. my breathing patterns have changed, as i don't want to be anything like you at all ever again.
it's not anything i'm proud of -- the way our worlds shifted and turned and collided to make the currents wash up on these shores with each of us standing at opposite ends of this expanse of water with no hope, no reason, no love, but it's the way things turned out. and now i should know better than to change everyt
the opposite of a love letterSometimes, I think you forgot me.the opposite of a love letter4 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
To admit it, most days I've forgotten you, too. But sometimes a moment comes along that feels like you in my bones, and suddenly you're crashing through my veins, riding my pulse straight to my heart. And you sit in my chest, heavy and unwelcome, and it's hard to breathe because I cannot shut off the reel of memories playing in my head. So I close my eyes and count to ten, breathe evenly and steadily, tell myself that you are miles and years away. But I wake up the next morning with a dry taste in my mouth and a hollowness somewhere in the pit of my stomach and you're hanging onto me like a shadow even though it's already high noon.
You are a seasonal affliction. During the winter you are buried with the sunlight, but the moment the heat rises and the days lengthen, I can feel you. Last Tuesdays I drove for no reason with the windows down, the scent of fresh rain on hot pavement and shaved grass slapping my face, and it smelled like the curve of your c
trauma.she had tried to resuscitate him,trauma.3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
pushing against his resisting chest
even after she had broken all his ribs
and had his blood covering her hands.
timid.she grew up laced in a dreamlike state. her mother would tell her fairy-tales, and she would sit there, wide eyed and listening to everything her mother had to say with the utmost interest. she was told about a girl, who lived in a tall tower, awaiting a prince to come and save her, and another who was asleep and someone handsome kisses her and she's whooshed back to the real world and all lives happily ever after. she was always told that the pretty girl finds love, and banishes the lesser ones, and the evil ones.timid.3 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
when she was nine, she first learned about forest creatures, and how they are gentle to some strangers. deer can become fond of people and even allow them to touch them. she was astounded by this, and could be found with her little nose buried deep in books about animals desperate to have a little fawn all of her own. her mother noticed she was creeping into a world that wasn't real, and she encouraged it. her 10th birthday was in the forest a few miles from her house, and s
landscape.i am desperately trying to understand the quakes that shake andlandscape.3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
tremor my skin and deep in my muscles. i know that my body is a landscape,
and i am learning that the mountains and valleys aren't always at peace
as i can feel the rains starting to come and wash away the paths
that i knew so well.
each drop, is rendering me even more lost.
i am an ocean nothing floats on.i am an ocean that nothing floats on.i am an ocean nothing floats on.3 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
her mother always told her that each part of her body was capable of becoming something hard and cold, something that a military man could arm himself with and leave a trail of destruction. There was an anchor in the pit of her stomach, resting on the bottom of a black and white ocean, carelessly tossed in by a reckless boy with matching eyes. it leads her to somewhere she has never been. It sinks her to ocean floor and leaves her waiting for the waves to stir her back to the surface.she learned about space, and the gaps that leave people feeling empty and lonely, and throughout the years of her youth, everything related back to the ocean residing inside her chest cavity which on the coldest and emptiest nights she could feel thrash and peak and cause her to choke and spit it up in violent convulsions. she learned that her stomach acids were responsible for the curve of her bones and the shapes of the shadows they made in sunlight. as her years tic
the day the earth fell of its axis.i) she let her fingers run along the edges of the paper, creasing and pleating and folding until the printed square came to life.the day the earth fell of its axis.3 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
she created all of the delicate cranes with the utmost of care and precision, each paper bird represented so much, each subtle wrinkle containing and with holding so much passion and strength. to most of the others, they were just making them because the teacher had told them to, to help those who have lost so much, but not her. her cupid bow lips were pursed tightly, and her eyes were salt water swollen. they weren't just cranes, they were a sign of hope.
ii) he woke up, covered in sweat and breathing heavy.
another night terror. they'd become a regular occurrence since what they refer to as "the day the earth fell of its axis". they called it this because the violent tremors were so strong It felt like the earth had snapped of its orbit and spun viciously around till it all just stopped. the images wer
time and space.It was a Tuesday when she hit the age she always thought would be the day she felt old, ticking past her teenage years, and into the old-enough-to-know-betters/young-enough-not-to-care age. It rained the day she blew out twenty three candles, and she had never had a wish come true, at least not one that didn't turn sour not long after, anyway. She laughed with the people around her, and drank wine like a mature young lady, despite the clouds she could feel forming in her ribcage. She wanted to know if this was what ageing felt like, if this was how all her birthdays would feel like from this one forward. She knew what the clouds were, and she knew it wasn't anything she needed to dwell on any more than she already had. Her birthday wasn't about to become a pity party, and no-one was going to cry today.time and space.3 years ago in Stories & Vignettes More Like This
Mother dearest had too much to drink, and toast after toast rolled out, spilling embarrassing childhood memories leaving her cheeks ever-red and her eyes resting in the palms of hands hi
corners and paintswatches.i loved you in a way that was engulfing for my young heart. for someonecorners and paintswatches.3 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
still small enough to fit all limbs and troubles into the bath tub with ease.
i remember that was how i thought of it the other night when i tried for the
first time in years to soak and wash this feeling away with warm water and
bubbles. but i didn't cackle with a bubble beard, and it left my fingers wrinkled
and feeling my age something severe.
you've been hiding around corners all week. i was flicking through my dvd
collection, procrastinating, or lost in what was the last thing to be moved back
into my room after i finally gave up with the blue and how i admitted i couldn't
stand another night surrounded by walls that we'd painted together.
i choked on the crow. and remembered you thought that if you took my last name,
you'd inherit his skills and you'd be able to stop anything from hurting me ever again.
but you're still in the parts of me that i thought i could live without.
i gave you my elbows, my shoulders
relapse.shed my skin untilrelapse.4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
i can count each bone
feel each break.
maybe these fledgling wings
that jut out of my back,
will take my from here
when i rid myself of the
lead weight of a body.
when the eastern sun sinksi wonder if you wouldwhen the eastern sun sinks3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
change your mind
find it in your
to feel a little something
if you saw the words
you've pulled from
uncovered by your lips,
i find poems under my hands.
i write strophes and lines
imprinted on your skin
when i move my fingers away.
i have so much to
i could give you so much
but you slink like a
nightcrawler from light
to a comfortable recession,
we will talk again
and no stammered heart
will beat like birds
if our hands touch;
you will realise
that sooner than you have,
you could have
shared your self
with someone else
and been safe-
you would have been
split me open like a sunrisei promisesplit me open like a sunrise3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
i don't think about you anymore
not even a little
like a mouse;
but the moment
i fall like the autumn,
the one we spent
at the in-between-
a crossing of streets,
seeing my own hands
for the first time.
i stumble with numbness
and a definite lack
of control(led motor skills)
as i fight for an instant
where i feel it is safe
or to let my heart beat.
i hate to see your eyes.
they are too warm
and i know that if i were
to reach and touch your skin,
it would be, too.
what did i do before i watched you,
a figure eight
winding in the periphery?
what did i do before i loved you,
waking up beside your body
is feeling a sip of tea
become a flower
and blossom within my chest;
i don't think about you anymore
not even a little
like a mouse;
but the moment
i fall like the autumn,
the one we spent
at the in-between-
a crossing of streets,
what did i do before i met you?