SiCkNeSs A doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty the next day. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, his shame and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear a reassuring voice in his head that said, "Don't worry about it, You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients."SiCkNeSs6 years ago in Humor More Like This
But then he would hear another voice, one that jolted him back to reality.
"You are a sick bastard," it whispered, "And a terrible veterinarian!"
Never Get A Wizard PeevedA wizard, draped in white robes and sporting a long grey beard, was walking down a deserted road in the heart of a dark and tangled forest. He paused for a moment to admire the colorful wild flowers growing by the wayside when there was a sudden flash and boom on the track before him. A cloud of noxious yellow smoke billowed and roiled where before there had been nothing. Coughing and retching noises emanated from within as the fumes were slowly dissipated on the breeze. At last the figure of another wizard, this one dressed in black robes and a tall pointy hat, was revealed, wildly flailing his arms to clear the air. When the new comer realized that the smoke had cleared away enough for him to be seen he hastily cleared his throat, and raising his arms above his head, let out an evil cackle.Never Get A Wizard Peeved8 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
The white wizard nodded in appreciation, clapping. "I say, that was jolly impressive, old chap!"
The black wizard bowed in return to the praise. "Why thank you! You were truly shocked by my sudden
A Sheep In Dragon's ClothingA Sheep In Dragon's Clothing8 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
Bernice yawned and smacked her lips sleepily as the early morning sun slanted in through the open window and warmed her backside. Sighing happily, she snuggled deeper into her soft bedding and began once again to doze off.
Why had that term popped into her head so suddenly?
She shrugged mentally and resumed drifting blissfully off towards the misty lands of sleep once again.
Today is Mutton Day.
There the thought was again! What was so important about today that was trying to make itself known?
A concept struggled up out of the subconscious haze and slid into the small part of her mind that hadn't dropped back into dreams yet.
Mutton Day is like Shearing Day except that they cut deeper.
Bernice frowned in her sleep, beginning to formulate what was wrong. Mutton was sheep meat. After today, there would be mutton stew, muttonchops, mutton pie, and a dozen other mutton recipes for everyone to greedily feast on for days to come. It would be a time of loosely buttoned pants and
The joke of mankindA man is walking down the streetThe joke of mankind5 years ago in Humor More Like This
Suddenly, a giant truck skids his way, but since the man ducked, it doesn't hit him!
He keeps on walking, and a muggler tries to take his briefcase, but the muggler slips and cracks his head on the floor.
The man, thanking his luck, gets to his car, and drives away, only to get stuck in a traffic jam. It's really not his day, is it?
However, just as he's about to cross a large avenue, a plane crash-lands and sweeps away all of the cars in front of him, giving him a straight shot back home!
As he slowly drives away, aware that it seems that the world is conspiring to kill him, he gets a phone call
"WE'VE GOT YOUR FAMILY! PAY UP OR YOUR SON DIES!"
"I've got no children. Wrong number, sir!"
He finally gets home, his wife waiting for him, holding a gun
"WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?"
And she shot him
The Centauri cracked into laughter, whilst his companion just stared at him
"C'mon, don't you get it?"
Slight Poltergeist ProblemsWebster's Dictionary defines a poltergeist as a ghost supposed to cause strange noises and activities. What then separates a poltergeist from your old Uncle Marv who does the same thing, you ask? Well, poltergeists tend to stay near a particular object, such as a house or a Victorian painting. Your uncle never leaves his easy chair, you say? Well, poltergeists were once living people, you see. Old Marv says that his life ended when you cut off the cable TV? Okay, I guess, I can't tell you the difference between a poltergeist and your uncle, but, I promise that there is one. Read on and perhaps you will find the answer for yourself.Slight Poltergeist Problems8 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
Lord Alvin Regis Baxter Devllan was the world's only poltergeist collector. He kept them in bottles lining his study walls 12 deep. If you looked closely at what was inside you would be disappointed with what you saw there. Some contained tarnished silverware. Others had large books bound in dark leather inside. One even contained a pair of lacy women's unde
LONELYLONELY3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
Sometimes I feel...LONELY is the best word to describe me...
Funny, how a six letter word,
Can describe a whole person...
It's not like I have no friends or family that care,
I know they are always there for me...
But that feeling...
It will always be there nagging at me...
I honestly don't know if it will ever go away.
Like a lone wolf, I watch them with longing eyes.
Don't let LONELY...
Become the only word to describe me...
MetalocalypseTall stood one, fair of hair and slight of stature.Metalocalypse6 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
Tall stood one, unremarkable but not to be forgotten.
Tall stood one, stout, the epitome of brutality.
Tall stood one, possessed of a greater intelligence and eloquence.
Tall stood one, dark of hair, possessed of a voice that could call forth horrors.
Five were they, mounted upon steeds whose eager breath flamed.
Five were they, galloping towards the battlefield with maces and shields.
Five were they, the heralds of the apocalypse.
The heralds of the bitter, bitter end.
Unholy crusaders, their arrival signaled by the darkening and reddening of the skies
Signaled by the dying of the flora and the fleeing of the fauna
Signaled by the thunder and the lightning, the hailstorm of fire and the arid, acidic air.
The hoofbeats drown out the screaming of the wretched and the prayers of the pious.
The demon steeds block the sun and crack the parched earth.
The cardinal, the holy one, he alone stands against this onslaught,
His weathered fingers
9-11A moment to mourn9-113 years ago in Haiku & Eastern More Like This
Never forget this event
Remember the date
BATMAN DID NOT KILL PEOPLE"BATMAN" is not responsible for the massacre in Aurora, Colorado!BATMAN DID NOT KILL PEOPLE2 years ago in Editorial More Like This
There are two conflicting approaches to interpreting the slaughter in the Century theater. The route of intellectual laziness would be to blame the medium. It would be folly to place responsibility on this violent movie or on violent movies in general.
The responsible conclusion is to single out the culprit himself as the culpable party.
Humans are not hive-minded insects and should not think as such. We are a community of individuals. Each of us must take responsibility for his or her individual actions.
It is obvious that the "alleged" perpetrator of this atrocity was inspired by the portrayal of the Joker from the previous "Batman" film. He is a real-life psychotic who embraced the the notion that "Some men just want to watch the world burn". Had it not been this, probably some other stimulus derived from pop culture might have triggered this man to act out violently.
John Lennon was the victim of just such a deranged
PrincessSoftening touchPrincess3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
Protecting my heart
Hold me in your stillness
Make me smile with your madness
Clear my mind and comfort my twisted soul
Allowing me to be
Whispers of freedom, you fill me now
Imperfect GirlImperfect Girl3 years ago in Emotional More Like This
The girl gazes at the beautiful, thin girls of the media longing to look like that.
she repeatly tells herself she's worthless and hideous. Feeling even worse, she decides she will do whatever is necessary to fit society's definition of "beautiful". She grows weaker day by day, and yet still sees herself outrageously overweight. As the days go by, her heartbeat and organ systems begin to shutdown from lack of nutrition. Still in the mirror she sees a monster and begins to purge herself of all this pain. One day, she finally looks how she wanted, when she's lying motionless on the floor.
Sonic X Vampire Story Part 2Rouge : If you can find one.Sonic X Vampire Story Part 26 years ago in Fan Fiction More Like This
Amy : We will help Sonic you'll see!
Rouge : The only cure as far as I know hon, is to drive a stake through their heart.
Amy : NO! WE WON'T DO THAT! You wouldn't do that to your cousin would you?!
Rouge : Hey, I'm just going by what the books have said!
Anyway, it's almost sundown so Sonic should wake up soon.
Well, if you need anything I guess just call. Or scream, depends on if he's bit you yet. *Laughs*
Amy : Grrr. *Swings Hammer at Rouge*
GET OUTTA HERE! AND STOP MAKING FUN OF MY SONIC!
Rouge : Well, it seems I've over stayed my welcome.
Knuckles : You never were welcome you thief!
Rouge : That's pretty harsh Knucky.
Knuckles : GET LOST!
Rouge : Well, fine! Maybe I won't help you if you need me after all.
You can just deal with your new vampire friend all on your own!
Knuckles : FINE BY ME!
Rouge : *flies away*
Amy : Knuckles, are you sure we should've run her off like that?
What if she's right? What if we do need her?
Knuckles : Please I'd rather fall
GOTF issue 7 TEXT VERSIONGhosts of the Future, issue 7:GOTF issue 7 TEXT VERSION4 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
"Mayhem a la mode"
'I don't want you here'. That's the last thing she said to me. I wonder... I wonder if I'll ever see her again.
Silver barely noticed the rhythmic vibration of Shadow's motorcycle beneath him. The ride from the city sitting behind Shadow on the bike, had passed in a blur of brooding memories swirling around his head... Right now Silver just wanted to spend the winter break alone, in his old room at home, as far away as possible from the chaos that had become his life.
"Silver. Wake up. Is this the place?" Shadow's raspy voice cut through Silver's mental miasma with ease.
"Huh? Oh--" Silver snapped his head up to asses the house they had stopped in front of. "Yeah, this is it."
Green-gold sunlight filtered through the dark redwood trees and bounced off the slightly peeling cream paint and dusty windows of the small house. From its size, the three-story home (stacked up against the hillside) looked as if it was styled after a home built a
Eternal AnguishEternal Anguish3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
I despise what you do to me, and how you rip my heart apart piece by piece.
Sitting there, you watch me bleed eternally ,and yet I keep coming back for more. I feel the pain at my very core.
Is it the nostalgia, loneliness or your embrace I crave? Like poison, you slowly kill me from the inside out little by little. Is this what a familar taste of poison is? I've cried countless tears in your name and sake for what seems like an eternity. Wallowing in Agony and self-pity I continue to call out for you. Why is it that I keep coming back for more?
Someone please help me to let it all go, and pick of the shattered pieces of my soul you left in your wake. Will I ever be saved?
Secret Krabby Patty FormulaThe Secret Krabby Patty FormulaSecret Krabby Patty Formula3 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
Imatation crab meat patty
2 Tsp chopped celery
2 Tsp chopped onion
4-6 Tablespoons Vegetable Oil
1 Tsp Tyhme
1 Lb frozen imatation crab meat (defrosted and smashed in a food processor)
4 Cups seasoned bread crumbs
1 Tablespoons mustard dijon
Salt and pepper (to taste)
Ketchup for dipping
1. Combine crab meat with ingredients in a bowl.
2. Preheat oven to 400 degrees and bake for 10 minutes.
3. That's all.
Sonic X Vampire Story part 4Rouge : But-but Ronic said you wouldn't be here till-Sonic X Vampire Story part 46 years ago in Fan Fiction More Like This
Kouge : I know what Ronic said. And I also know he's just trying to protect me but.....
Rouge : But what?
Kouge : I couldn't wait till dark to see my own cousin! It's been so long Rouge! And until Ronic found me I didn't have the courage to approach anyone! Not even my own cousin! But now I am ready to face you.
So, here I am, teeth and all. I'm hideous aren't I?! *Cries*
You're so silent! I must be! I gotta go!
*Starts to fly but is stopped by Rouge.*
Rouge : No! Wait!
Kouge : *Stops*
Rouge : You didn't even give me time! I've missed you for a long time Kouge! Wondering where you were if you were alright! I never told you this but you were like the sister I always wanted.
Kouge : R-really?
Rouge : Yes, and tonight we're gonna look for the other ingredients that will cure Sonic's curse as a vampire.
Kouge : Don't you want me to be normal again Rouge?
Rouge : Oh......I do but......
Kouge : BUT WHAT?!
Rouge : Sad thing is, according t
Do Not RockDo Not Rock8 years ago in Academic Essays More Like This
Perhaps it is just my warped sense of humor, but I am finding modern warning stickers to be funnier and funnier. When I was a kid warning stickers were usually all text. If you were illiterate you were doomed to fall prey to automatic doors and freshly mopped hallways before you blossomed into adulthood. The stickers would say something like DO NOT ROCK VENDING MACHINE. In later years there was a period where these words were accompanied by a single picture. Usually the object in question being crossed out by a big X. Nowadays the makers of warning labels seem to find it necessary to have a depiction of a stickman being horribly crushed and maimed. Who will weep for the ultimate mistreated minority: the stick man?
Above is the label on the vending machine in the bus station which I am currently sitting in. I have been travelling without a proper meal or night's sleep for almost 2 days so you will have to forgive me if this is a strange thing to be writing about. On the left
A Interview with George BushA Interview with George Bush11 years ago in Socio-political More Like This
Kcloud: Mr. Bush, I would just like to thank you for coming and sitting down with me today.
Bush: No problem chief. Here, have a rifle.
Kcloud: Uhh…thank you.
Bush: Careful, it's loaded.
Kcloud: Now Mr. Bush, there are some eerie similarities between 9/11 and when Hitler's Gestapo blew up a national building and blamed it on other political parties which gave him the power to limit the freedom of his countrymen and fuel a war, a more extreme version of the power you have now, once I think about it. What is your response to that?
Bush-oh, there are plenty of differences, plenty.
Kcloud: …Such as?
Bush: that thing was in Germany.
Kcloud: Thank you Mr. Bush.
Bush: and it was 45 years ago!
Kcloud: 70, Mr. Bush.
Bush: That's almost a whole decade!
Kcloud: Thank you Mr. Bush, Moving on…
Bush: Listen, I know what you're trying to say here, and if you want me to bomb Germany, I will, I just wanted to wait a smidge. I love Heinekens.
Kcloud: Moving on, Mr. Bush.
amish writer's paradiseAs I sit at my desk typing up a plan, you may think that Im but just a simple young man.amish writer's paradise7 years ago in General Non-Fiction More Like This
But thats just perfect for a writer like me, I read things like books and watch movies.
At 4 o clock in the morning, Im writing stories, while my mom sleeps deep with daddy snoring, fool.
And I been writin and brainstormin so long that, even other gaians thing that mind has gone.
Im a man of the pen, aint into novels and I got a pad on my desk and pen in my hand.
But if I run all out ideas and cant write no more, then its back to book for my ideas to score.
Spendin half my time in an amish writers paradise, not much except to type in an amish writers paradise. Hard work idea-wise in an amish writers paradise. When done, savings wise in an amish writers paradise, buy book on sale at half price in an amish writers paradise.
The local bookstore was sold out this week, of copies of the book calle
Interview With George Bush 2Interview With George Bush 211 years ago in Humor More Like This
Kcloud: Mr. Bush I would like to thank you for coming here to talk again, and also for retiring the airplane goggles, that was very mature of you.
Bush: Ma took them away. (Wipes away tear)
Kcloud: we'll make sure to get you some nice building blocks to play with. So I have realised, even though we have sat down before, and you shared your butterfly collection with me backstage, I really don't know you very well. So maybe this time we can get a better indebt look at George W. Bush.
Bush: I'm getting' really excited about this interview. I would start shooting my pistols up in the air and hooting like a madman, but I can't; I'm the President.
Kcloud: But isn't that what made you become the President?
Bush: No, my brother giving me Florida is! (Laughs and elbows Kcloud in the side)
Kcloud: Rigging the election, the best present a brother could ever give. So may I ask what have happened in your life since our last discussion?
Bush: Nothing, I got lost in your closet looking for
Ode To Muffin TopsI love my muffin top.Ode To Muffin Tops7 years ago in Urban & Spoken Word More Like This
My luscious, almost edible display of skin.
With veins marking green lines,
Almost like ... graph paper mapping me.
Soft, chunky muffin top.
Like a lifesaver wrapping around my waist.
Keeping things from hurting me;
As they bounce back from it and I keep on walking.
(Walking slowly, as it's quite a heavy muffin top.)
(c) Sylwia M. Wielgosz
12 days of Chuck NorrisOn the first day of Christmas,Chuck Norris gave to me-only one second to flee.12 days of Chuck Norris7 years ago in General Fiction More Like This
On the second day of Christmas,Chuck Norris gave to me-two broke knees,and only one second to flee.
On the third day of Christmas,Chuck Norris gave to me-three rabbit punches,two broke knees,and only one second to flee.
On the fourth day of Christmas,Chuck Norris gave to me-four fractured digits,three rabbit punches,two broke knees,and only one second to flee.
On the fifth day of Christmas,Chuck Norris gave to me-FIVE ROUNDHOUSE KICKS!,four fractured digits,three rabbit punches,two broke knees,and only one second to flee.
On the sixth day of Christmas,Chuck Norris gave to me-six ribs cracked by-FIVE ROUNDHOUSE KICKS!,four fractured digits,three rabbit punches,two broke knees,and only one second to flee.
On the seventh day of Christmas,Chuck Norris gave to me-seven discs a-slipping,six ribs cracked by-FIVE ROUNDHOUSE KICKS!,four fractured digits,three rabbit punches,two broke knees,and only one second to flee
Re: God's Love"I think its so sad that people are so caught up in blindness that they can't see me trying to help them."Re: God's Love6 years ago in Reviews & Guides More Like This
We are not blind.............WE DONT WANT YOUR HELP!
Do you see me knocking on your door telling you what you should believe? I am stuffing Atheism down your throat? If we want to "find" God we know exactly where to find him every Sunday morning, and occasionally during the week.
"There is so much evidence that points to God but the hard thing is that only people who are even slightly open minded can even begin to see it"
Maybe through your perception, such a statement may be true but through the perceptions of others such a statement may be false.
"Its hard for me to sit back and watch people walk down a road that will destroy them. Dang free will!"
Perhaps it is you that is on the wrong path, how many religions are there in the world? How is it that YOURS and ONLY YOURS is the right path, while everyone else is wrong?
Creationism- A SatireCreationism is an idea that defines the way that we as a human race ended up at where we are today. In short, God created the world as it is written in the Bible. While there may be other ideas out there, such as evolution, all of them are wrong. The only one that is right is the one in The Bible, as it is God's word on paper. There are many reasons why everyone should believe in this idea, as it is complete and total fact. These examples include; why it is so obvious to see that this is the only possible explanation for human existence, how Creationism is seen in this country, and what would happen if one did not believe in Creationism.Creationism- A Satire8 years ago in Stories & Vignettes More Like This
Some people believe that other causes are the reason for our existence here. The most common is the idea that humans became this way from monkeys. This is crazy, at best. Have you ever seen a monkey transform into a person? I suggest you try it sometime. Go to a zoo and watch the monkeys. Try it, if you don't believe me. You could stand there for hours