Editorial DecisionEdward, you LEECH!Editorial Decision6 years ago in Humor More Like This
Youre a stinking DOG, Jacob!
Then the two fell upon each other, snarling and biting, ripping at each others clothes, then flesh. Jacob was the first to clutch Edwards penis and slide it into his mouth, chomping down. Edward followed suit, grasping Jacobs
I tossed the manuscript on my desk before I tossed my cookies. This was hopeless. This was also the best work Id received yet for the newspaper writing contest. I rubbed my eyes, trying to think up yet another new, polite way to say you so utterly suck.
So? What do you think?
I looked up at the writer responsible for this masterpiece. Mrs. Muldoon was a deacon in our church, and had fallen inexplicably hard for Ms.Meyers vampire wiles. I was as mystified as anyone, I suppose.
Writer's BlockI first met Alistair Creaux at WritersCon '97, and from the first words he uttered to me in a drunken slur I knew he was destined for greatness: Sometimes I get an idea and it's so so sweet I'll just ride it like a buckin bronc and donkey-punch that fucker.Writer's Block4 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
I'd nodded sagely, not quite understanding but impressed by his zeal. Once I'd actually read Creaux's work it all made sense. Wonderful, crazy sense. He wrote like a combination of Hunter S. Thompson, William Burroughs, and Stephen King. Epic storytelling, accessible to the common man, but shot through with Deeper Meaning for those willing to delve.
His fame skyrocketed since I'd discovered him. He was BorderHouse's number one draw; every book pre-sold by the millions as soon as it was announced, anticipated by rabid fans (Creauxians, they called themselves) and lovingly dissected on numerous internet fan sites around the world. Two of his books had beco
I Feel Fine Chp. 6I Feel Fine Chp. 64 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
It was starting to get dark, and we all left the ice cream shop, trying to avoid any more photo shoots with the fans. It took FOREVER just waiting for Ringo and some of the other boys to finish up. I didn't even start talking to some of them until we left that it was so bad. Not to mention some girls were attempting to follow us out the door, or at least keep me from leaving. One of them managed to scrape my left arm. Talk about jealous.
We were waiting for John to get a cab over, as we all were talking. "Lauren, is your arm alright? I noticed that some of the girls got rough with you," Paul said concerned of me.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied looking at my arm. It was bleeding a bit and a little swollen. Then, I covered it with my hand so no one would worry.
"Really? Then why are you covering it with your hand?" John asked being nosy. He looked back to the streets to get a cab to take us back to the hotel.
"I always do this," I replied.
"Not when you have shopping bags with you," Ringo s
Quick the DonkeyQuick the Donkey9 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
The donkey's name was Quick.
His front hooves were neat and dexterous and opposable, and his back hooves were the size of dinner plates and had unassuming steel shoes. He had a pale grey hide and pale pink nostrils, and ears like enormous fringed fans, and if you lifted up his cowl far enough, you would find large, slightly worried brown eyes, with the devastatingly long eyelashes reserved for beauty queens and large ungulates. He was a small, neat-footed donkey who kept his elbows tucked in and could vanish into a crowd much more easily than a bipedal donkey wearing a yellow robe with checkerboard edging had any right to do.
He had a goldfish in a plastic bag. She was a small, neat-finned goldfish with kinder eyes than are usual among fish. Quick was only guessing about the "she" pronoun. He wasn't sure how to tell the difference, or if it mattered one way or the other. Well, it probably mattered to another goldfish. He wasn't sure if the kindness of the goldfish's eyes was really the
The Language of Mom- JoshieI don't know about your family, but my family has its own language. No, scratch that. My MOM has her own language. We all speak it pretty fluently, so I took the liberty of preparing a crash course in the Language of Mom.The Language of Mom- Joshie7 years ago in Biography & Memoir More Like This
You've Got Another Thing Coming:
definition: You would do well to never speak in my presence again. Go to your room right now before I actually DO give you another thing coming.
usage: "If you think I was put on this earth to pay your parking tickets, you have got another thing coming, Lindsay Christine Brooks."
Young Lady/Young Man:
definition: You are in an unbelievable amount of trouble. You are about to endure a lecture so long that I may well have another child before it is over. Sit down and shut your mouth.
usage: "Where in Heaven's name were you, young lady?"
What Were You THINKING:
definition: This is a trick question. There is only one acceptable answer: absolute silence. Hanging your head is good. Giggling is a death sentence.
usage: "You were gone for five
Top 10: Predictions for 2010Top 10: Predictions for 2010Top 10: Predictions for 20105 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. Sequel to smash-hit 2012 movie begins filming.
9. New DeviantArt "Personal Gropes" feature implemented. Thousands disappointed when it's revealed to be merely a typo of "Groups".
8. Global Warming is confirmed a hoax when giant space heaters are discovered in Antarctica.
7. "USDA American Beef" revealed to be made from recycled homeless people. Sales are unaffected.
6. Reality to be replaced with a cunning simulation, supported by clickable ads.
5. McDonalds releases new Happy Your Ass Up Meal, laced with antidepressants.
4. eBay accidentally auctions cursed relics from Hell, opening a space-time vortex in which Stephanie Meyer is a best-selling author with two movies made from her books.
3. Pirates vs. Ninjas debate settled once and for all when Johnny Depp is cast in Ninja Assassin II: Ninjas of the Caribbean.
2. Dan Brown's latest novel I'm Just Making Shit Up Now remains #1 on the best-seller list fo
Elf vs. Orc 8Celadon woke up in the elf's arms.Elf vs. Orc 89 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
This sounded a lot more romantic than it actually was.
For one thing, learning to sleep in proximity to another person is an acquired skill. You learn what to do with the arm that always seems to get stuck between you and where to put your feet and whether they mind having a leg draped over theirs and who can use whose arm as a pillow without nerve damage or a sore neck. Then there's the whole complex negotiation of blanket treaties and sheets and who gets what and who needs layers and who has to stick their feet out.
Without acquiring these vital habits, you wake up pretty much like Celadon—stiff, sore, with a knee wedged into your ribs and blankets tangled around both of them like sleeping anacondas.
While it's traditional when parties of the opposite sex find themselves entangled for someone's hands to be in an embarrassing position, that actually wasn't the case. She was pretty much in the elf's lap, where one of his knees was up and digging into
Elf vs. Orc 4She let him go. She couldn't do much else. He was an elf, sure, but there were rules, and you didn't kill healers and you didn't kill priests.Elf vs. Orc 49 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
The rage had to go somewhere. You couldn't go from halfway to gnawing your shield back to normal just like that. Celadon swallowed it, bitterly, the stone shattering, the red sea pouring through the wreckage. She threw her head back and snarled with the pain.
The elf lay sprawled on the ground beside the bed, holding his throat, his eyes closed. He was breathing in tight little gasps. She could have stomped on his head, but of course she wouldn't.
She was furious. Mostly at herself, truth be told. It had been so obvious. He'd checked her bandages, he hadn't been wearing armor, and this was as far from a cell as you could get. What more did she need, a sign saying "Non-combatant, please do not throttle," in several languages? But she'd been so mad—and scared, yes, let's be honest with ourselves—that she hadn't seen past the Enemy.
Laughing Jack x Reader - Don't Cry (Part 3)Laughing Jack x Reader - Don't Cry (Part 3)1 year ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
Laughing Jack x Reader – Don’t Cry (Part 3)
*** Your POV ***
You stared at Laughing Jack frowning. His eyes stared back at you. They seemed to glow while you stared into them. You felt yourself pressed against a wall. He stood a couple of feet away from you. You could hear the faint sound of scissors going ‘snip’ ‘snip’ ‘snip’ in the background. What on earth?, you thought to yourself, as you stared at the scene in front of you. Laughing Jack grinned at you and shouted, “You will enjoy this game! I promise. . .”
He began to laugh hysterically. He pointed the scissors at you raising it up. The blade gleamed in the moonlight of what seemed to be a cabin. All of a sudden he dashed at you. You felt the blade sink into your stomach.
Your eyes flashed opened. The sunlight beamed into the room. You rubbed your eyes. Where were you? A man stood in the room. You stared up at him and blushed. That man was Laughing Jack. You were
Saints of San AxolotlEcho birds are as common as muck, and about the same color. Theyre found only in San Axolotl, where they scurry along the paving stones and under the tables of the street cafes, through trash-clogged back alleys and down the walks of rooftop gardens, looking for scraps and seeds. Once you leave the city, though, the echo bird population tapers off within five miles, and the only specimens anywhere else in the world have glass eyes and are wired to their perches.Saints of San Axolotl6 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
Echo birds are not mimics. There are all kinds of mimics in the bird kingdom, from the pygmy mynah to the rare and savage Cassowary Macaw, whose repertoire generally consists of the screams and curses of its last unfortunate victim. Mimicry is no longer a particularly impressive trick. Any old parrot, with time and patience, can learn to whistle the national anthem and make obscene comments, or both at the same time.
The echo bird, however, does something quite beyond mimicry. If you encounter an echo bird, all you will s
Bully!Alucard x Victim!Reader Your P.O.VBully!Alucard x Victim!Reader 11 months ago in Short Stories More Like This
As I walked down the halls of my highschool I gripped my books tightly. I scanned the halls for the people who bullied me relentlessly. There were lots of them. They always came in groups. They were like wild animals. It was never one of them, no they always show up with at least two others. Better to have back up I guess. I turned the corner that led to my locker, and there they were. There were at least 5 of them. 3 girls and 2 boys. The girls were as skinny as pencils and the boys were tall and handsome. I looked down. One of the boys as chatting with one of the girls, the other two girls were chatting with each other, and the other boy was standing by my locker. He is the one I hate the most. He has messy black hair, red eyes, and pale skin. He is really cute, but he is also really mean. He bullies me at least once a day. He calls me names, knocks my lunch out of my hands, copies my answers on everything, and sometimes even hits me. I hate him with a passion. When I got
Assassin's Crack: Steak+EggsAfter the incident with the trio, Lucy made Desmond remove all things from his room. Altair and Ezio were forced to stay inside the room at all times, until they knew how to bring the assassins back to their own times.Assassin's Crack: Steak+Eggs5 years ago in Humor More Like This
"Awww, but I want them to stay!" Whined Desmond.
"No. They go when we figure out how to take them back to their time periods." Lucy demanded.
Desmond pouted, and then his stomach rumbled. He looked at Lucy. "Lucy, what day is it?"
Lucy blinked and said "Sunday, why?" Desmond's eyes brightened.
"OH MY GOD IT'S STEAK AND EGGS DAY." Sunday was steak and eggs day for Desmond, and he enjoyed it. It was the only time Abstergo ever let real food in, instead of the plastic-tasting crap they always fed him.
"Steak and eggs? What are those?" Altair asked. He just woke up and his eyes were a bit baggy. He blinked and looked at Desmond. Desmond turned to Lucy and said "What are we going to do? They'll get suspicious if you ask for three orders of steak and eggs."
"Don't worry, I'll
Insomnia.InsomniaInsomnia.1 year ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
Characters: Megatron, Shockwave, Karmashock (G1/IDW/AU)
Warning: Contains mech/mech relationship, adult themes.
Staring at the ceiling, Megatron rested his hands on his chest as he lay in bed. Shockwave was beside him, his breath even and slow—letting him know his mate was in stasis. He wanted to move, but at the same time he didn’t wish for his lover to wake.
He hated nights when he couldn’t sleep. It could be cycles before he fell into stasis. He was tense. He didn’t know why, either. Just one of those nights. He thought he was tired, but as soon as he hit the berth, well… here he was, optics on and staring at the ceiling.
Sighing, he looked over to Shockwave, the mech on his back, hand on his stomach and the other on by his side. He looked so peaceful. Was this how his lover slept at war? ’Definitely not,’ he thought as he felt his mate’s wing shift beneath him. Shockwave
Black Butler Sebastian x ReaderBlack Butler Sebastian x Reader2 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
As the new maid of the Phantomhive Manor, you went to your young master Ciel’s room to change his sheets. He seemed like a decent enough Earl, but your dad always said that looks can be deceiving and that you could always tell a person’s true nature, by their room. Feeling a little anxious to see what would be inside, you entered the Master’s room.
To your relief, his room was completely normal and as well organized as its owner. You retrieved the sheets from his bed and were about to leave when a picture, on the Master’s nightstand caught your eye. It was a picture of young Ciel with a big smile on his face. On the current Ciel, a smile was practically non-existent, which is why it was a rarity and why people believed he could no longer smile.
You didn’t think that was true. After going through what he did, it was only natural that he does not smile. You are
Happy B-Day DX Pt1SHAWN: Alright guys. Its time for truth or dare.Happy B-Day DX Pt16 years ago in Humor More Like This
UNDERTAKER: (uninterested) Oh great here we go.
SHAWN: Come on Taker get in the spirit! I mean its Christmas time, were snowed in here we might as well have some fun.
UNDERTAKER: What Shawn? You said that everyone should play but Taker? Awe well Id love too but since you dont want me too Ill-
KANE: Oh cmon Taker, have a little fun. (Shoves Taker)
SHAWN: Please, Taker? Look, I promise this game is only between the guys playing. Word doesnt reach any further than this building.
UNDERTAKER: (Dusting off his clothes where Kane pushed him.) *Sigh* Whatever, no good lazy bums.
SHAWN: SWEET! (Runs out the door and comes back in with a towel he carried between his thumb and index fingers with gloves on.)
TRIPLE H: Shawn, what are you doing?
SHAWN: The penalty for not taking a dare or lying when you have truth is you get smacked around a few times with Vickie, Edge, and Big Sh
Knowledge is Power (request)Knowledge is Power (request)9 months ago in Short Stories More Like This
Terrance was your massive, self-secluded bookworm. Every and any book you've heard or read yourself, he's read it twelve times over. His thirst for fantasies, immerse worlds and, more importantly, his will to learn showed no signs of stopping.
He was at the library on a fine Tuesday afternoon, checking out a stack of freshly pressed, and new books that the library had just gotten in. He slowly made his way towards the counter as if he were holding a glassful of water, trying not to spill a drop. At last, he heaved the stack of books onto the counter top with a loud enough thud to create a bit of shock through content readers.
"Welcome back, Terrance." The librarian said with a smile, since he was a well known regular.
"Hiya, Jillian." He replied with a slight sigh.
"I see you caught wind of the new releases we'd just gotten."
"Oh, you know me!"
She chuckled, "Let me go ahead and punch in some cards for these books right quick; they're still fairly new, after a
The Barrel Reviews - Super MetroidThe Barrel Reviews - Super Metroid3 years ago in Reviews & Guides More Like This
Super Metroid, the third installment in the Metroid saga, was released in 1994 for SNES. This game sports a lot of new extras that would later become staples in the Metroid franchise. But first I'd like to give a brief summary of the plot seeing as there's a lot to talk about
In short; at the end of the second game we came across this baby Metroid, and Samus had brought it to be cared for and studied by the galactic research station. Well things go a bit awry when Ridley pays a visit and steals the baby Metroid and takes it to planet Zebes, and it's up to us to save Biffalo I mean the baby Metroid. I'll leave it at that because the story element of the baby Metroid does come up later in the game even after we find him/it again, so in case you haven't played the game, I won't be spoiling anything. (And if you HAVE played the game you know what happens, so why bother explaining it)
So we're back on planet Zebes and we have to collect some of the abilities from the original gam
What I Learned at SRU -89- (Part 3)What I Learned at SRU -89- (Part 3)3 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
- Thursday, April 28th, 2011 -
"He was trying to help, Katara."
"It wasn't his business to do that."
"And it's your business to try hooking me up with Toph?"
"That's not...a personal issue. That's just dating."
"Just dating. Because that hasn't caused any of us drama this year."
Katara's hands ran up through her hair with a huff. She paused, trying to contain herself.
"Can we drop this?"
"Can you drop this?" Sokka countered. "That's the entire point. You won't let things go."
"And you're so good at that."
"Well, I try. Yea."
"Mm. Like how you kept going back and forth with Suki."
"Come on, Sis. Let's not do this."
"No! No, you want to keep talking," Katara pressed in her expectedly snippy fashion. "So let's talk. You moved on when Mom died, but you can't let go of Ulrika."
"Katara, I didn't-...It's not that simple, I think about Mom all the time, but...-"
"But it doesn't bother y
Top 10: Jesus or SupermanTop 10: Ways of Identifying Jesus or SupermanTop 10: Jesus or Superman5 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. Has returned from the dead more than once, and might possibly do so again.
9. Exploits are followed by millions of avid readers for many years.
8. Subject of painful disagreement and arguments among fans.
7. Does good works without expectation of reward.
6. Maintains a tax-free Fortress of Solitude.
5. Was sent to earth to save us all.
4. Shoots heat-beams from eyes.
3. Primary opponent is evil and prefers underground lair.
2. Native language is not English.
1. Has a superb sense of humor and would never hurt the author of a Top 10 list.
What I Learned at SRU -89- (Part 2)What I Learned at SRU -89- (Part 2)3 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
["What?"] came Meng's shrill squeak of disappointment. ["You haven't wished your parents 'Happy Easter' yet?"]
Toph huffed, rolling over on the couch. Meng frowned at the view of her cousin's back. Just because Toph couldn't see didn't make it OK to just turn her back on people...That was rude.
"Why would I want to?" Toph sighed out.
["Tophie...You can't just, like...pretend like your parents don't exist. How are ya ever gonna patch things up if...-?"]
["Mmm..."] Meng's eyes rolled around at her grumpy-pants cousin. ["OK. Soooo...What are you up to, then?"]
["Nothing? You're with Katara and Aang, right?"]
"Yea. But we haven't been doing anything..."
"Umm...I'm coloring Easter eggs over here," Katara called out from the kitchen. Her tone carried a teensy bit of offense at Toph's complaint.
"That doesn't exactly do much for me, Sugar-Queen."
"We're going to eat them soon," Aang chuckled, coming up behind the couch.
The Meaning of the RoseTitle : The Meaning of the RoseThe Meaning of the Rose3 years ago in Stories & Vignettes More Like This
Fandom : Vampire Knight
Rating : K
Genre : Romance
Characters/Pairings : Kaname and Yuuki
Word Count : 1,634
Summary : A small Yume oneshot based around the Roses that bloom once every ten years.
It was dark. Yuuki could not see a thing, as she was led along what felt like a path, judging by the sound of the crunching of her feet on the earth below. A strong familiar arm was wrapped around her middle as one of her hands was taken in a larger warm hand, held close to a beating heart. A heart she knew very well. Just thinking about the person leading her carefully forward, made her remember how she had ended up in her current situation.
Yuuki was sitting in her study, going over some papers and invitations sent by the council and leading noble families, about several functions and events t
Don't listen to them."Maaaaaaatt!!" An 18 year old Shannon Moore wailed as he rushed into the Hardy house hold.Don't listen to them.8 years ago in General More Like This
"What?!?" 21 year old Matt Hardy with messy black hair came flying down the stairs just in time to see Shannon collapse on the couch. With his chocolate eyes Matt looked his younger guest over. His light green eyes were red and puffy, the fact he had been crying was evident, as if the crystalline tears rolling down his cheeks didn't give it away. His normally soft luscious blond locks were a tangled mess, as if he'd been running his hands threw it in aggravation. Quickly Matt moved over to the couch and took Shannon into his arms. The blond instantly curled up to Matt's chest and clung to him crying even harder.
"Shhh shhh shh. Sweetie, whats wrong?" Matt asked his young love as he rocked back and fourth in attempts to calm the shaken beauty in his arms.
"Maaaaatt! He...He...Oh Christ!" Shannon shook his head and buried it in his boyfriend's muscular chest. Matt's heart shattered as he listened t
What I Learned at SRU -93-What I Learned at SRU -93-3 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
A/N: So this is the part where I cross my fingers and hope everything written out here makes sense. I've started getting dental work done, which has resulted in making it a little hard to focus. Thanks for bearing with me.
What I Learned at SRU
Chapter 93 - Cryptic
- Tuesday, May 10th, 2011 -
Hands in her pockets, Korra sauntered downstairs to the basement floor of the campus center. She moved at a snail's pace, just as she had all morning. It was finally her lunch break, but in the middle of such a slow and plodding day, this wasn't specifically exciting. She had paid a visit to the campus store the day before to purchase a couple of dress items to prepare for the summer - an SRU logo cap and a pair of sunglasses. She was presently wearing both, as she'd just come from outside before punching out for break. The cool, air conditioned basement was a welcome change from the sticky outdoors.
Before she'd even gone to the counter of Appa's to place an order, she was s