Editorial DecisionEdward, you LEECH!Editorial Decision6 years ago in Humor More Like This
Youre a stinking DOG, Jacob!
Then the two fell upon each other, snarling and biting, ripping at each others clothes, then flesh. Jacob was the first to clutch Edwards penis and slide it into his mouth, chomping down. Edward followed suit, grasping Jacobs
I tossed the manuscript on my desk before I tossed my cookies. This was hopeless. This was also the best work Id received yet for the newspaper writing contest. I rubbed my eyes, trying to think up yet another new, polite way to say you so utterly suck.
So? What do you think?
I looked up at the writer responsible for this masterpiece. Mrs. Muldoon was a deacon in our church, and had fallen inexplicably hard for Ms.Meyers vampire wiles. I was as mystified as anyone, I suppose.
Writer's BlockI first met Alistair Creaux at WritersCon '97, and from the first words he uttered to me in a drunken slur I knew he was destined for greatness: Sometimes I get an idea and it's so so sweet I'll just ride it like a buckin bronc and donkey-punch that fucker.Writer's Block4 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
I'd nodded sagely, not quite understanding but impressed by his zeal. Once I'd actually read Creaux's work it all made sense. Wonderful, crazy sense. He wrote like a combination of Hunter S. Thompson, William Burroughs, and Stephen King. Epic storytelling, accessible to the common man, but shot through with Deeper Meaning for those willing to delve.
His fame skyrocketed since I'd discovered him. He was BorderHouse's number one draw; every book pre-sold by the millions as soon as it was announced, anticipated by rabid fans (Creauxians, they called themselves) and lovingly dissected on numerous internet fan sites around the world. Two of his books had beco
Top 10: Jesus or SupermanTop 10: Ways of Identifying Jesus or SupermanTop 10: Jesus or Superman6 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. Has returned from the dead more than once, and might possibly do so again.
9. Exploits are followed by millions of avid readers for many years.
8. Subject of painful disagreement and arguments among fans.
7. Does good works without expectation of reward.
6. Maintains a tax-free Fortress of Solitude.
5. Was sent to earth to save us all.
4. Shoots heat-beams from eyes.
3. Primary opponent is evil and prefers underground lair.
2. Native language is not English.
1. Has a superb sense of humor and would never hurt the author of a Top 10 list.
Elf vs. Orc 5Sings-to-Trees's primary thought through the whole violent encounter was Not the throat again!Elf vs. Orc 59 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
His neck hurt. He felt like a troll had used his esophagus as a dance floor. This could not be healthy. If he lived through this, he swore he would be nice to his throat for the rest of the year. Hot teas. Scarfs during winter. Anything.
For awhile, he didn't think he was going to live to see sunrise, let alone winter.
Then she'd apologized. The orc had stood there, with a distinctly sheepish expression on her face, and she'd apologized.
None of his patients ever apologized. Most of them couldn't talk, and it didn't seem to occur to the ones who could.
Half of him wanted to reply automatically—No, it's okay, these things happen, don't worry about it—and the other half was jumping up and down screaming You just tried to kill me, you green-faced lunatic! You can't just apologize for trying to kill people!
Perhaps fortunately, his throat was aching too badly
Elf vs. Orc 9Sings-to-Trees' head shot up. He knew Fleabane's barks like the back of his hand. Short, rapid barks, not grating, hysterical ones--somewhere between a greeting and a warning. Fleabane knew the person approaching, but he didn't really like them.Elf vs. Orc 99 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
That meant it was either one of the humans from down the road (excepting Matilda, who brought cheeses and always had a tidbit for a hungry coyote) or the rangers.
"Shit!" Sings-to-Trees leapt to his feet and began kicking Celadon's armor under the bed, followed by the extra blankets.
Celadon got unsteadily to her feet. "What is it?"
"Company. Might be rangers."
She could have asked questions, like "Are you going to turn me in?" or "Why are you panicking, if they're your people?" but Celadon was not inclined to waste time on stupid questions. She looked around hurriedly for a hiding place.
Sings-to-Trees caught her elbow. "Do you trust me?"
"Does it matter?"
"I suppose not."
Getting her into the hiding place was awkward, but Celadon took it in s
Happy ThanksgivingIn America, around this time today (1700 hours EST) many families have either gorged themselves on succulent feasts or are wondering if that damned turkey is ever going to thaw out. Burned rolls are greeted at the table with accepting smiles, and Aunt Mildred's mincemeat pie has once again befuddled the family as to what it's actually made of.Happy Thanksgiving7 years ago in Historical More Like This
Yes, America is once again celebrating that long ago event when Arnold Schwartenegger returned from the future and tried to kill us all and was soundly defeated. No wait... I'm being told it's a celebration steeped in more mystery than that. It observes the successful first winter harvest of our Pilgrim forefathers, foremothers, and foreoffspring way back in 1921. No, sorry... 1621.
The traditional story goes that boatloads of puritan British settlers braved the stormy Atlantic hoping for a new life free from religious persecution. They made landfall in what is now New England, whe
Quick the DonkeyQuick the Donkey9 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
The donkey's name was Quick.
His front hooves were neat and dexterous and opposable, and his back hooves were the size of dinner plates and had unassuming steel shoes. He had a pale grey hide and pale pink nostrils, and ears like enormous fringed fans, and if you lifted up his cowl far enough, you would find large, slightly worried brown eyes, with the devastatingly long eyelashes reserved for beauty queens and large ungulates. He was a small, neat-footed donkey who kept his elbows tucked in and could vanish into a crowd much more easily than a bipedal donkey wearing a yellow robe with checkerboard edging had any right to do.
He had a goldfish in a plastic bag. She was a small, neat-finned goldfish with kinder eyes than are usual among fish. Quick was only guessing about the "she" pronoun. He wasn't sure how to tell the difference, or if it mattered one way or the other. Well, it probably mattered to another goldfish. He wasn't sure if the kindness of the goldfish's eyes was really the
The Language of Mom- JoshieI don't know about your family, but my family has its own language. No, scratch that. My MOM has her own language. We all speak it pretty fluently, so I took the liberty of preparing a crash course in the Language of Mom.The Language of Mom- Joshie8 years ago in Biography & Memoir More Like This
You've Got Another Thing Coming:
definition: You would do well to never speak in my presence again. Go to your room right now before I actually DO give you another thing coming.
usage: "If you think I was put on this earth to pay your parking tickets, you have got another thing coming, Lindsay Christine Brooks."
Young Lady/Young Man:
definition: You are in an unbelievable amount of trouble. You are about to endure a lecture so long that I may well have another child before it is over. Sit down and shut your mouth.
usage: "Where in Heaven's name were you, young lady?"
What Were You THINKING:
definition: This is a trick question. There is only one acceptable answer: absolute silence. Hanging your head is good. Giggling is a death sentence.
usage: "You were gone for five
The Unforgettable MemoryThe Unforgettable Memory4 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
The Unforgettable Memory
"You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul." ~ Julie de Lespinasse
Ichirun Kiryuu stared blankly out at the setting sun as seemingly endless thoughts swirled around in his head. His lilac gaze flickered lazily from side to side in boredom, his actions lethargic and tired. His roommate was rambling on and on about how he was certain he was going to graduate at the top of the class once more, and Ichirun could honestly admit he could care less. He simply nodded when the time felt right, and "oooohed" and "ahhhed" when he felt it was worthy. He wasn't paying much attention. Rather, his thoughts were on something else - or, perhaps it wasn't something, but someone who was occupying his mind at the moment. Despite his totally nonchalant appearance, he was actually anxious and restless; he just wished his damn roommate would shut up already and leave him to his thoughts.
He let out a bored sigh, shif
A New Beginning, Vampire Knight, pt. 2A New Beginning, Vampire Knight, pt. 24 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
新たな始まり- A New Beginning, Vampire Knight Continued
Ren watched from the window as Michiko sat on the edge of the fountain. She didn't smile, but he knew her well enough to tell, even from this distance, that she was pleased. How was Hanabusa Aido doing so well? It had taken Ren four weeks to even talk to her when they were little. And here was Aido, easily showing him up.
One thing he would always have over Aido; Michiko had drank his blood. They had a bond. Aido couldn't take that away. He remembered how she had blushed when she asked, and how he'd been hoping she would for a while. Back then, she had kept her hair short, and almost always wore dresses. Now, she had hair down to her hips, the color of the moon shinning on the water, and you'd never catch her in a dress.
She'd only bitten him once since then. He missed that feeling.
Ren turned as Aido appeared in the door and walked aross the room towards Yuki Kuran. "Sorry, everyone, for interr
An Interview With Gods n DanteAn Interview With Gods n Dante6 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
1. So in your opinion, are you Uke or seme?
that wasn't he question.
I'm seme in my opinion. cos I have a penis that is the size of my age
i feel like i should be seme but sometimes i donno.
I'm a bottom seme. that likes to cry after we make love
i cry while we make love
because it was beautiful, not cos gods abuses me during,
2. Where you originally into men, or did your significant other whip that out of you? [lol, whip]
yooou must whip it!
The Curious and Peculiar Tale of the Simonov TwinsThe Curious and Peculiarly Tragic Tale of the Simonov TwinsThe Curious and Peculiar Tale of the Simonov Twins2 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
I have done most of my post-doctorate work alongside Dean Eroslide as he ran Harry Loaine School for Boys. It was a tiny little establishment, set up in a series of pathways and cottages that made up the dormitories and the 'holistic' and 'traditional', designed to accommodate Dean Eroslide's philosophy of natural living: 'clean and untouched life energy regulates all chakras and promotes a positive educational environment'. Needless to say, Harry Loaine School for Boys was a parent's last resort, when everything from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Interventions and to Involuntary Hospitalization was never enough. The Dean had no degree of any sort other than a few licenses for Chakra healing and Reiki, so the entirety of the upkeep of the facility remained on the shoulders of these desperate parents--and of course the government kickbacks the School received for keeping me as a full time Child Psychologist
Top 10: Predictions for 2010Top 10: Predictions for 2010Top 10: Predictions for 20106 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. Sequel to smash-hit 2012 movie begins filming.
9. New DeviantArt "Personal Gropes" feature implemented. Thousands disappointed when it's revealed to be merely a typo of "Groups".
8. Global Warming is confirmed a hoax when giant space heaters are discovered in Antarctica.
7. "USDA American Beef" revealed to be made from recycled homeless people. Sales are unaffected.
6. Reality to be replaced with a cunning simulation, supported by clickable ads.
5. McDonalds releases new Happy Your Ass Up Meal, laced with antidepressants.
4. eBay accidentally auctions cursed relics from Hell, opening a space-time vortex in which Stephanie Meyer is a best-selling author with two movies made from her books.
3. Pirates vs. Ninjas debate settled once and for all when Johnny Depp is cast in Ninja Assassin II: Ninjas of the Caribbean.
2. Dan Brown's latest novel I'm Just Making Shit Up Now remains #1 on the best-seller list fo
THE Zombie Survival Guide*This part is for newbies. Skip down to the dashes if you already know this stuff.*THE Zombie Survival Guide4 years ago in Reviews & Guides More Like This
Okay, so first of all, a zombie is a reanimated corpse that lurches around looking for human flesh. Different breeds may be reasoned with, or even "cured" back to the original personality. However, the most typical zombies:
-Are incoherent. They will not be reasoned with or threatened.
-They don't sleep.
-They seem to like brains, but most will settle for a nice hunk of your flesh.
-The come in different speeds, from crawling to shambling to running. Most are shambling along at a slow slow walk.
-They do not drown or asphyxiate.
-Some will burn easily while others will not burn at all.
-Most zombies will "die" from severe damage to the head.
-It is said they are attracted by sound, but this varies.
-VERY IMPORTANT: The most dangerous thing about zombies is that if they bite you and you die before your brain is destroyed, you will come back to life as ANOTHER ZOMBIE. That's how they spread their numbers
My Immortal Hanyou Love Chapter 4My Immortal Hanyou Love Chapter 44 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
Kagome dreaded her first day back to school after coming home. She was always barraged with inquiries about her health by her three friends, Eri, Yuka, and Ayumi. It used to be a little funny to hear the excuses her Grandpa had made for her long absences from school, but now it would bring up the subject of Inuyasha her "jealous boyfriend". Not my jealous boyfriend anymore, she thought.
Steeling her nerves, Kagome walked through the gates of her school's grounds, her eyes roving the crowds of teenager boys and girls for those three familiar faces.
"Kagome! Hey, Kagome, over here!"
She turned her head to see Eri, standing with Yuka and Ayumi, waving at her near the steps of the school building. She jogged over to them and plastered a smile on her face. "Hey guys!"
"Kagome, you're back!" Yuka said, smiling. "You're finally over scarlet fever?"
"And chickenpox?" Eri put in.
"I thought it was a case of
Elf vs. Orc 7This was easier said than done.Elf vs. Orc 79 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
She gave him some very practical suggestions about how to tie the ropes. A bit of slack between the feet, enough to shuffle, not enough to run. A rope around the neck as a kind of leash in case she attacked him. He could tell she'd done this sort of thing before.
Sings-to-Trees, at that point, would have been happy just untying her completely and pointing her in the direction of the outhouse, but he had a horrible feeling he'd disappoint her if he didn't at least try to hold up his end. So he steeled himself to stay awake a bit longer and got the ropes set up, and hauled her out of the bed.
Then she wound up needing to use him as a crutch anyway, since her knees kept buckling, so it was a bit of a moot point.
"Can you hold this?" he asked, handing her the leash rope after a few brutal hops toward the door.
"What if I try to escape?"
He sighed. "Just yank it if you feel yourself getting any ideas."
She started laughing, then they took another step and the
Ember Island Can Change YouEmber Island Can Change You3 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
Ember Island Can Change You.
I don't know why but I feel something amazing is going to happen today. The minute I jumped out of bed I had a really good feeling. I'm Leah Fierre, I live on Ember Island and I'm 16. I have black hair and golden eyes. I'm a firebender in training, actually. My brother's name is Chan and Ruon-Jian. They are practically a bunch of spoiled brats. I'm the youngest of them, and the most mature. My dad's an admiral. He's been on leave for two months so my parents went for vacation.
I can't believe I'm being forced to go to the beach with them. They're so popular, it's so annoying, and they think they're so great.
"I hate you guys." I muttered as I followed them along the beach.
"Aww, we love you too, little sis. " Ruon-Jian ruffled my hair as if I were a little girl.
"Oh suck it up, Leah! We got a party tonight so we have to do this." Chan sighed.
"You have to do this!" I folded my arms across my chest.
I was wearing a red swimsuit, since red was my
Elf vs. Orc 6He got a nasty start a few hours later, when he came in to check on her.Elf vs. Orc 69 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
He'd tied her hands, her feet, thrown a loop or two around her waist, and roped everything to the bed, the chair, and the fire iron, just for good measure, He'd done everything short of hog-tying. She wasn't going to get loose in a hurry.
He wasn't sure why he was bothering, really, since he had a horrible feeling that if she said "Will you untie me?" he might do it, and if she said "please," he'd definitely do it.
Still, she didn't seem to be a threat conscious, so maybe that was okay.
Then, because his feelings were still churning and there was nothing for emotional turmoil like hard work, he'd gone off, fed the chickens and the gargoyle, picked peas, turned the compost heap, washed his hands and made soup. By the end, he was really quite exhausted, and ready for at least a nap in his chair.
Then he came back in to discover that her fever had vanished and she was shivering violently with cold.
What I Learned at SRU -97-What I Learned at SRU -97-3 years ago in Introductions & Chapters More Like This
A/N: Blablabla, spiritual mumbo-jumbo, something about me not being happy with how most of this turned out but I've got to try setting up the conclusion to this crime-drama-lite dealio going on.
What I Learned at SRU
Chapter 97 - Big Girls
- Monday, May 16th, 2011 -
"But...-" Aang paused for a moment, letting his pen drop onto his notebook's page. He folded his hands together in front of his lips, elbows propped on the table, and stared intently at his red-headed friend. "Dropping out? Are you...sure that's a good idea?"
Jane, eyes glued to her biology textbook, referenced a page and scribbled an answer on a worksheet.
"Just thinkin' maybe I don't belong here anymore..." Jane mumbled out, not looking up from her work. Aang studied her stoic face, putting the together some details he hadn't added up until just now. Jane looked healthy, well-rested, her hair was clean and brushed. She was wearing jeans and a plain white T-shirt. No boots, no belt, no h
An Evening With Sings-to-TreesAn Evening With Sings-to-Trees9 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
Sings-to-Trees had hair the color of sunlight and ashes, delicately pointed ears, and eyes the translucent green of new leaves. His shirt was off, revealing the sort of tanned muscle acquired from years of healthy outdoor living, and you could have sharpened a sword on his cheekbones.
He was saved from being a young maiden's fantasy—unless she was a very peculiar young maiden—by the fact that he was buried up to the shoulder in the unpleasant end of a heavily pregnant unicorn. Bits of unicorn dung, which was not noticeably more ethereal than horse dung, were sliding down his arm, and every time the mare had a contraction, he lost feeling in his hand.
It had been nearly two hours, the ground was hard and cold and his knees felt like live coals wrapped in ice. She'd kicked him twice, and if Sings-to-Trees hadn't known that it was impossible, he'd have begun to suspect that the unicorn had arranged a breech birth out of spite.
No, he was being unfair. It couldn't be any more fun for her t
Elf vs. Orc 2Celadon Toadstool was delirious.Elf vs. Orc 29 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
The funny bit—uproariously funny, it seemed to her—was that she knew she was delirious. The world was billowing around her. It looked as if someone had meticulously painted the inside of a cottage on silk, and then hung it in a gentle breeze. The corners floated inward and collapsed back out again with a sigh.
That someone would go to all that trouble, painting a cottage on silk, was hilarious.
She knew she was wounded. She couldn't quite remember how she'd been wounded. Imagine not remembering a thing like that!
This also struck her as hilarious.
Her name, in Orcish, was Urrsharruk-gah, and she had skin the delicate gray-green of the gills of cave mushrooms, and eyes the color of stolen gold. Her hair was thick and dark and she wore it tucked under her helmet to keep enemies from being able to grab it, which was problematic, because she'd lost her helmet somewhere along the way, and she wasn't in the best of shape anyway.
Even in her immense good humor
Elf vs. Orc 8Celadon woke up in the elf's arms.Elf vs. Orc 89 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
This sounded a lot more romantic than it actually was.
For one thing, learning to sleep in proximity to another person is an acquired skill. You learn what to do with the arm that always seems to get stuck between you and where to put your feet and whether they mind having a leg draped over theirs and who can use whose arm as a pillow without nerve damage or a sore neck. Then there's the whole complex negotiation of blanket treaties and sheets and who gets what and who needs layers and who has to stick their feet out.
Without acquiring these vital habits, you wake up pretty much like Celadon—stiff, sore, with a knee wedged into your ribs and blankets tangled around both of them like sleeping anacondas.
While it's traditional when parties of the opposite sex find themselves entangled for someone's hands to be in an embarrassing position, that actually wasn't the case. She was pretty much in the elf's lap, where one of his knees was up and digging into
AdvanceshippingAdvanceshipping4 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
I ran through the woods. Tears cascaded down my cheeks as a fire siren rung in my ears. I couldn't believe it. I'd been having the time of my life at my birthday party and I went over to our neighbor's house to ask for some sugar. I turned around to head back and saw flames licking the sky as they ate my house. My neighbor tried to comfort me as I cried.
My best friend, Ash, had told me that I was not alone. Yeah right. I'd already lost my twin brother when a drunk driver drove into him, so Ash had promised that he'd protect me forever. I'd thought he meant on Earth, beside me.
I didn't look where I was going and collided with a huge brown furry object. "I'm sor-" I started, but the figure growled at me. I looked up quietly. Sharp teeth and eyes as dark as the night. Just my luck to run into an Ursaring in a scary forest! I turned around and sprinted away. A roar shook the woods as the Ursaring ga
A Kandi KissI looked away in slight embarrassment as Jules went through her normal routine of saying hello to every single person she passed. She was only greeted by stares, snickers, and eye rolls but she didnt seem to notice, or if she did, she didnt seem to care. She just kept walking, leading me by hand to her next class. Her free hand spun a lollipop inside of her mouth.A Kandi Kiss7 years ago in General Fiction More Like This
I would like to tell you this was the only bizarre thing about us. Acknowledgements of one another were no longer very common. I can count how many hellos I get in a day on one hand and most of those are from Jules. But no, Jules saying hi to everyone was not even the tip of the iceberg.
Part of it was our being the only openly girl-girl couple at school. Our hands were clasped tightly, our fingers interlaced and tangled together. She swung our hands back and forth cheerily, I liked to think proudly. But, like I said, that was only a small part.
It was Jules that was getting most of the stares. N