How To Be Normal
HOW TO SUCCEED AT BEING A NORMAL TEENAGER:
(In 15 easy steps!)
1. The first step in becoming a normal, bland, and spineless individual is very simple. Never think. About anything. Ever. If you have a thought, let it go. Let someone else think for you. Thinking is hard. Let someone else do it. Save your little conformist brain cells for something less difficult.
2. Now let's talk about music. You like unique music? Not anymore! You get to listen to the same generic, repetitive sound that everyone else does. You know, that one beat over and over with the words "Yeah", "baby" and "ooh" being repeated. Lucky you!
3. To be normal, you've gotta dress normal. If you're a girl, that means you wear leggings as pants and cut up your t-shirts so they just barely cover your chest. Uggs are a must, for any time of the year, including midsummer. If you're a guy, you wear the hem of your pants on the back of your knees. Overly violent band t-shirts for bands that you only know one song for is highly
Twilight-Uncensored Ch.1ReviewTwilight-Uncensored Ch.1Review4 years ago in Reviews & Guides More Like This
Review of Chapter One
By Stephenie Meyer
Years have gone since I've first run into a little thing called Twilight and now I've come to the part of the getting over it and letting kids have their fun, but in all this I've decided to trudge through this pile of shit and actually reread it for the first time since I took an exacto knife and cut a hole out of my only -stolen- copy.
Please note that I'm doing this not only for my own closure, but for your entertainment. I am reading this. I am not enjoying it, but I also want to lay to rest every beef I have with Twilight. [Though just the first book, the others can rot in hell.]
Lastly, I'll probably be dropping a lot of F-bombs and various other angry letter bombs. Deal with it.
Now, on with the horror fest, where we start with the preface.
As plain as you can possibly get, the preface of Twilight says nothing while saying a whole god forsaken paragraph. The tone of the paragraph honestly reminds me of w
Twilight-Uncensored Ch.5ReviewTwilight-Uncensored Ch.5Review4 years ago in Reviews & Guides More Like This
Review of Chapter Five
By Stephenie Meyer
So I bought a giant stuffed sheep the other day. It's pink—because the asshole kid in front of me took the purple one—and fluffy. It's going to sit with me today and every time I read something that upsets my inner writing Nazi, I shall hug it.
I opened the Twilight book and set the sheep directly in my lap. I shall name it…Sheepie.
Moving back a step for the briefest recap in history [well, in the history of this chapter review series:
Bella moves to forks.
Bella whines about her life.
Bella meets Edward.
Bella becomes bedazzled.
Bella and Eddy-pie fight.
Bella lies about shit to get out of being popular.
Edward decides to ask Bella on a road trip.
Okay, it probably could have been shorter. More like:
This story sucks, close the book.
Oh silly me.
And here I sit at chapter five…and I don't even know he's a vampire yet! I mean…wait a minute… Chapter five was
ArtWhy does art need to be perfect?Art4 years ago in Philosophical More Like This
Why throw rules on how to become a good artist onto us?
Why give us direction on how to do it right?
Why send us to the greatest artists for learning?
Why do we need the best learning to become good artists?
Cant we choose what we want to create, in the way we want to create it?
Our flaws is not a negative barrier.
Our flaws can create new and exiting things.
With our flaws we can create something no one else has created.
Only going for what is and looks natural is one of hundreds of paths.
And its not the only "right" one.
You have the choice to go all the paths.
There shouldnt be just a few to choose from, you make up your own.
Art isnt restricted and neither is your imagination.
Art doesnt need to be perfect to be amazing.
Introductions"Hi, I'm-"Introductions4 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
"I know who you are."
"You're the guy who thinks he's invisible."
"I have a name-"
"It isn't important. Because you really don't think it's important."
"All right. Since we've started out this way, let me just tell you, I know you too."
"You're the girl who is broken."
"I am not broken."
"You're the girl whose eyes close every night and open the next morning, only to find you have never slept at all."
"I sleep well. Besides-"
"You're the girl who dreams of a happy ending even though she has seen seventeen...no, eighteen unhappy ones in her eighteen years."
"Happy endings are over rated. And you're-"
"You're the girl who wants something bigger, something stronger, just so the weakness in her body becomes something so much more."
"You don't understand weakness the way-"
"You're the girl whose heart broke when she was so young, and she fixed it back together with superglue, but cannot ignore the cracks."
"Superglue makes for a good companion, especially when-"
Every YouTube Fight Ever(This will almost certainly contain heavy profanity and the usernames used in this were pulled out of my own head and aren't any real people that I know of but if someone has usernames matching them then it's probably coincidental).Every YouTube Fight Ever5 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
SamusFan20 in the video description: This is my Metroid compilation of pictures in a slideshow featuring Samus set to Queen's "We Will Rock You." I hope you guys enjoy.
DisgruntledAsswipe87: Jesus Christ you're such a faggot. Why the hell would you post pics of a fictional girl and set it to Queen? Do yourself a favor and go get a REAL GIRLFRIEND, loser. Oh, and stop shaming such a great band with such a shitty video game and your BS imature antics at attempting to fap to it.
(In reply to DisgruntledAsswipe87) ConcernedStranger17: Hey, calm the fuck down, douchebag. If this person is so "immature," than what the hell are you doing on a video meant for a video game girl, anyway? I bet you were at home looking for something to fap to and found this and decide
Twilight-Uncensored Ch.2ReviewTwilight-Uncensored Ch.2Review4 years ago in Reviews & Guides More Like This
Review of Chapter Two
By Stephenie Meyer
Okay, so I'm back again with the second chapter of Twilight.
Just like last time, I'm going to start off by saying that I'm going into this with a perspective that may be harsh, too critical and possibly laced with more F-bombs than an Eminem song. I'm giving you the view of Twilight as raw from me as possible. This is also just for fun guys. I'm not torturing myself too much, because I love to rant and rave like the next bastard and you like to be entertained. Don't lie. Fuckers.
Last time I started on the book with the preface and chapter one; introducing the character Bella and a brief glimpse of Edward Cullen. Bella is "new" to Forksdespite being from Forks and visiting every summer for fourteen years. Her first day of school and run-in with the teen heart throb Edward Cullen has left her off in the previous chapter as having a break down in her little go-go mobile.
And this is where we begin the illustrious
Twilight-Uncensored Ch.4ReviewTwilight-Uncensored Ch.4Review4 years ago in Reviews & Guides More Like This
Review of Chapter Four
By Stephenie Meyer
Quick recap from previous chapters tell you that Bella Swan moved to Forks because she's a masochist, every boy in the world must be in love with her [even if they're gay] and Tyler's van didn't succeed in its assassination mission. Quite a riveting tale, no?
So here I go again, with my bag of F-bombs, Wonka Runts, the Terminator 4 Sound Track and a crappy book that's probably not even worth being drug across my ass.
Mainly because who really wants hard paper on their backside? I don't. I like my soft tissue. It's got puppies and shit on the logo.
In the beginning of this chapter, Bella described a dream where apparently Edward has a severe case of radiation and probably need to be contaminated. She's trying to run toward him and can't seem to catch up.
For god's sake woman, hasn't anyone told you not to go toward the light? You like die or something. Is it just me, or is Edward being the light in this da
Twilight-Uncensored Ch.3ReviewTwilight-Uncensored Ch.3Review4 years ago in Reviews & Guides More Like This
Review of Chapter Three
By Stephenie Meyer
And so with a handful of Wonka Runts, I have returned once more to read an overrated book and give you five minutes of half baked amusement.
Last chapter left off with Bella in her truck, her panties in a twist as she got to learn what it felt like to have someone staring at her intensely. Her conversation with Mr. Sexy Face revealed that Bella is a self sacrificing saint, out to make her mom happy at her own expense. [You know, on top of being an honor's student, reading every book ever printed, and being the wife her dad needed.]
Chapter three picks up the next morning, Bella noting the snow and how much she wants to see Edward. That's normal, I suppose. When I was a young teenage girl in high school I was all over the handsome boys that .
Wait a minute.
I have to get my pink skirt and lace top on so I can slip myself into the story here. I have the legs for this. I really do. Just don't lift the skirt and we
Judgement"You need to stop doing this."Judgement4 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
"Stop doing what?"
"Writing me into your stories."
"Because it scares me. I'm not this guy that you write about. I'm not some kind of Prince Charming and I'm certainly not a sea God or whatever you like to say about my eyes every now and then."
"Yeah. You really need to work on your judgement of people, because this is all wrong. It's like you don't know me at all!"
"So why don't you correct me and I'll fix my idea of you accordingly."
"Well firstly, I'm a really nervous person."
"Yeah. Your hands are either fiddling with your hair or your sleeve, or you're biting your nails."
"And I don't like going out. I'm a hermit."
"Except to your best friends' houses, or to the animal shelter, or to me."
"And I'm dead inside."
"Says the boy who hides his tears at the sight of an injured puppy."
"I do not."
"Yes, you do."
"Anyway, I'm not always nice to you. In fact, I really don't do enough."
"You're right. Except yo
RapeI am a 17 year old girlRape4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
My eyes sparkle in the daylight
I have a smile that can light up the whole room
I have an amazing family
My friends are the best that anyone could ever ask for
My boyfriend is amazing
Someday I am going to live in a big pretty house just like the one I grew up in
When I graduate I am going to go to a good college and learn to do my dream job
After college I am going to marry my prince charming
And we will live happily ever after
I will have beautiful children
And I will love them with all of my heart
And when they grow up I will become a grandmother
When the time comes I will die peacefully in my sleep with my loyal husband at my side
I have a perfect life.
I am a seventeen year old girl
My tears glisten in the cold moonlight
My smile, like me, is broken and fake
I am all alone
With friends that will never understand
And an ex boyfriend who is wondering what he did wrong
My big house is filled with emptiness and shattered dreams
At school my classmates happy
How to Make Someone Hate YouHow to Make Someone Hate YouHow to Make Someone Hate You3 years ago in Reviews & Guides More Like This
For those of you who are in dire need to have the loathing hatred of someone else out there.
Draw better than someone and be proud of your art.
Draw better than someone and not be happy with your art.
Be average in everything art and be content with improving as you go.
Suck at art and be happy with it.
Suck at art.
Type like a Neanderthal and think it's the proper way to type on the internet.
Type like a Neanderthal and not care if no one understands you.
Type like a normal person, with some mistakes here and there.
Type like a god and look down on Neanderthals.
Type like a god.
State your educated opinion.
State your uneducated opinion.
Have an opinion.
State the facts that prove someone is an idiot.
State the facts.
Be proud of being homosexual.
Be proud of being straight.
Be proud of being bisexual.
Be proud of being pansexual.
Be proud of being any sexuality.
Act like a bigoted Christian.
Act like a bigoted Christian who feels
A Child AgainI wish I could be a child again.A Child Again3 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
Where all I had to worry about
Were skinned knees
And cooties from boys.
I wish I would be a child again.
Where boys ran away from girls
And no one lied.
I wish I could be a child again.
Where parents were devoted
In every part of my life.
I wish I could be a child again.
When there was recess,
And fun and games.
I want to be a child again.
I want the child meant wonder.
I want the never ending hope.
I want loyalty.
I want simplicity.
I want to be a child again.
I want my innocence back.
I want to not have to worry.
I want grades that don't matter
I want time outs to be the worse punishment.
I wish I could be a child again.
When looks didn't matter,
And when I didn't have responsibility.
I don't want to worry.
I don't want to grow up.
I just want to be a child again.
I Am A WriterI am a deadly murdererI Am A Writer4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
I am a crazy psychopath
I am a gentle ruler
I am a war-driven tyrant
I am a secretive assassin
I am a jealous lover
I am a tortured soul
I am a ruthless god
I am manipulative
I am all-mighty
I am powerful
I am omnipotent
I am murderous
I am loving
I make sweet dreams
I make terrifying nightmares
I make tender moments
I make anguished deaths
I am the one
I am their god
I am a writer.
Dear Yaoi Fangirls: I Hate YouDear Yaoi Fangirls: I Hate You10 years ago in Editorial More Like This
I hate yaoi fangirls, and I am one.
You may be looking at me with tears in your eyes right now and saying, "Why Chopstick... why?!"
Well, I'm gonna tell you why.
1. You're just writing about them because they're hot.
Let's just forget that they hated each other in the game. Let's completely forget that both of them were completely straight and had loving girlfriends in the anime. And heaven forbid I bring up the idea that they were really "just friends" in the manga. I'm not really bitching about drabbles or crackfics so much as I am the fifty-page-long epics that completely ignore canon.
AND I MEAN COMPLETELY.
Rinoa was just so whiny and Squall and Seifer were just SO KAWAII, you HAD to kill her or maim her or turn her into a ditzy bitch that Squall despised. I hated her too, you know, but I'm not willing to actually sit down and write her out of the picture in such an abrupt and unlikely way it could be considered a cop-out. For gods' sake, have pride in w
You've been on my mind...Quite frankly, you're heavy. Get off.You've been on my mind...8 years ago in General More Like This
i am me, you, him, her and us.I am a man, who can't go and get a cure for his agonizing back pain, because he doesn't have enough money for a heal-insurance.i am me, you, him, her and us.4 years ago in Traditional Fixed Forms More Like This
I am a girl, who only feels the razor against her skin, because that is the only way to get the pain out.
I am a baby boy, who is being abused at age one, because he is unwanted child, that his parents refuses to give him into adoption.
I am a woman, who deserves a better job and a raise, but can't have one, because she is a woman and because her bosses are chauvinist men.
I am a man, who wants to live so hard, but can't because he's kidneys and liver are about to fail, but getting a new one is quite hard for a prisoner.
I am a girl, who looks into a mirror everyday and sees herself as incredible fat, when in reality, she is starving herself to fit in society's expectations.
I am a man, who wants to help the world by donating blood, but can't because he is gay.
I am a girl, who is too tired of smiling, when all she wants to do is to give up.
I am a boy, who is
This Art Is ShitIf I knew then what I knew now, maybe I might have appreciated my work a little more.This Art Is Shit4 years ago in Articles & Interviews More Like This
I always used to compare myself to the other artists that I would see, artists much older than me, with the training and the experience I didn't have. It didn't seem to matter to me where they came from, just that they where good and I was not. If I had understood at the time that someday, with perseverance, study and practice that I too might be ask good as them, maybe I might have worked a little harder, studied a little more and not been so down on myself.
Now I look back on a lot of the artists who were my idols, megabytes worth of their art saved to my ancient drive in the basement for reference and inspiration. I realize, they really weren't that good. Some of them were actually quite bad. At any given time, if your art sucks to you or even thousands of other people, it is amazing to someone and you are inspiring someone else by sharing it with them.
If it seems like you are not improving at all
.tell me a lie_she said, "Lie to me".tell me a lie_4 years ago in Free Verse More Like This
he said, "I love you"
20 Reasons Why I Hate Twilight1) It's poorly written. Stephen King can back me up on SMeyer being a horrible writer.20 Reasons Why I Hate Twilight5 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
2) Those are not vampires, they're sparkly fags. And by fag, I don't mean gay, I mean fag.
3) Edward is a 107 year old virgin. Can you say pathetic?
4) Bella has no redeeming qualities; she's a very weak main character. Physically she isn't strong. She can't run away right even; she trips too much. She's not smart, either, she's almost brain dead (come on, how long did it take her to figure out Edward was a vampire again?). She's not very pretty. She's not nice; she treats her friends horribly, and wants nothing to do with normal boys who aren't monsters. Somehow, everyone loves her, despite all this, which only makes her even more dislikable.
5) There is no plot. Or, if there is, it was so small I missed it.
6) Edward is abusive and a stalker.
7) Bella has absolutely no opposition to Edward stalking her. (In Buffy the Vampire slayer, Buffy tells Angel that girls don't like being stalked. She actuall
Paradise by the Toilet LightOf all the places she anticipates finding it, it's not on the toilet. Technically she muses, it isn't on the toilet though. She is. It's in the roof. It makes sense, she supposes, that you'd hide it somewhere that people wouldn't look for it. But still, it's a little unexpected.Paradise by the Toilet Light5 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
She's just noticed that Heaven is in the skylight in her bathroom.
She's not sure how long it's been there, but she counts herself lucky that she decided not to hose it out recently. Typical, though, that she let Steven borrow her ladder. She flicks the light switch on and off, checking to see if it's a trick of the light, but it makes no difference. She waves timidly up at the foot-square hole. Sorry.
She closes the toilet lid and sits heavily, looking up. It's kind of pearly, she thinks. It sure had the white light, and the swirling mist. It seeps out of the far left corner and fades to nothing in front of her nose. Maybe she's having a Xanadu flashback. That would explain the fluff on the toilet seat, and th
FlutteringsIt hurted.Flutterings4 years ago in Flash Fiction & Vignettes More Like This
My stomach was hurting for days. Mama said it was probably ulcer or maybe my drinking of so much Coke. But I ate and I ate and never drank Coke, and still my stomach hurted. Even if Mama went to the place where herbal plants grow to get a bunch of leaves so that she could squish them and put them in my drink, my stomach didn't stop hurting.
Papa said it was time to call the doctor, so he put on his funny straw hat and went to call the doctor. And when he came back, there was a funny-looking man that followed him into our little house. He had long kinky hair with white stuff in it and when he smiled he had very few teeth. His skin was brown, and his clothes was brown, and his hair was brown. He looked like mud.
Papa said, This is Pachiko.
And I said, Hello Pachiko.
And Pachiko smiled with the very few teeth that he had. Then he touched my stomach. He touched it for a long time, long enough for me to ask why he was touching it.
Then he took his hand off my stomach and looked a
An Idiot's Guide to GrammarAn Idiot's Guide to Grammar4 years ago in Articles & Interviews More Like This
1. Study Finds Sentences Contain Actual Words!
YES: This is a beautiful picture. You did an excellent job!
NO: OMG!! sooo pwetty!
You can only get away with this if your name happens to be Elmer Fudd. If your name is Elmer Fudd, go back to hunting wabbits; you're not much more successful as an author.
2. If I say "thank you," the appropriate response is "you're welcome," NOT "your welcome." Please stop making this mistake. Your grammar is the reason I drink.
3. Most web-browsers come with a built-in spell check. If you post a misspelled word (especially in a comment), you really weren't paying attention to what you said at all, and it probably would have been better for you to stay silent. (See 9.)
4. If you're going to use emoticons, you can just as easily use the deviantART emoticons. If you don't know the commands for some of the more original ones, find a friend's profile and click on "Send a Note." Down at the bottom right hand corner of the new message box, there's a link that sa
Save The Whales"You know what?"Save The Whales5 years ago in General Fiction More Like This
"We should never fall in love."
"Well, it's simple, really."
"Explain it to me, then."
"We're opposites, you and me. You're the sun, I'm the moon. You are day, I am night. You're warm and you beat with the vitality of life. I'm pretty chilly and I beat my fists against the mirror for showing me reality instead of dreams."
"I still don't quite understand."
"I am a dreamer, and you are a dream."
"Thanks, I guess."
"No, listen--you're like the people who say 'save the whales'. You want to save the world, you want to do some good. You want to make a change, make a difference. And me... well, I'm the whale. I can't do anything except wait for you to finally save me."
"I'll save you. I don't mind."
"I'll never thank you. I'm a whale; I can't talk."
"I don't care. I'll save you anyway. And you're wrong, you know."
"I'm not quite what you make me out to be. I laugh so I won't cry, yet that doesn't save me when I'm alone. I try to save the