Jeff Dunham+Penut Xmas storyJD: Okay Penut right now were going to do something a little different
P: -gasp- Your gonna be funny? Its a christmas miracle! Lets all hold hands and sing Kumbaya
JD: No what i'd like to do is somehing thats been a tradition in my family for many years.
P: Were going to get drunk and throw up.
JD: No what i'd like to do is i'd like to read everyone the story The Night Before Christmas
P: Haha nooo...
JD: This will be good
P: No it will suck
JD: It will be fine
(they keep interrupting each other)
(Jeff takes out the book)
P: What you have the book? Oh my lord! (looks at audience) i am so sorry (looks at Jeff) look if your gonna insist on reading this lame-ass 120 year old story we oughta have some good music.
JD: We have that.
P: Oh good why dont we have guitar guy come out?
(guitar guy enters)
P: Hey. Good to see you. Thanks for taking out time between your drug sessions on the bus back there
JD: He doesn't do drugs
P: Oh yes he doooeeesss!
Jingle BombsDashing through the sand,Jingle Bombs8 years ago in Songs & Lyrics More Like This
with a bomb strapped to my back.
I have a nasty plan,
for christmas in Iraq.
I got through checkpoint A,
but not through checkpoint B.
Thats when I got shot in the ass,
by the U.S. military.
Mine blew up you see,
where are all the virgins that Bin Laden promised me
Your soldier shot me dead.
The only thing that I have left,
is this towel upon my head.
I used to be a man,
but every time I cough,
thanks to uncle sam,
my nuts keep falling off.
My bombing days are done,
I need to find some work.
Perhaps it would be much safer,
as a convinience store night clerk.
I think I got screwed
dont laugh at me because Im dead,
or Ill kill you .
More Random Jeff DunhamJeff: So Walter, you look very festive! Happy Holidays!More Random Jeff Dunham7 years ago in General Non-Fiction More Like This
Walter slowly turns to face Jeff
Walter: You're really gonna try this, aren't ya?
Jeff: Happy Holidays.
Walter: You're not doing any Christmas crap.
Jeff: It'll be fun.
Walter: You are so gay.
Jeff: Just pretend.
Jeff: Fake it!
Walter: Does your wife do that too?
Jeff: Will you just do this?
Walter: All right. Well, start over.
Jeff: Hey, Walter!
Walter: Yes, what is it, Jeff? Sorry, I can't act worth a bleep
Jeff: You look very festive! Happy holidays!
Jeff: Happy holidays!
Walter: You know, I've been wanting to say this for a couple years now: Screw you! It's Merry Christmas!
Walter: What the hell am I supposed to do, walk around and ask people what they are before I say anything to 'em? What, you're Catholic, you're Protestant? Well, Merry Christmas! You're Jewish? Hang on... Hchchchchappy Hchchchchchannukah! And you're an atheist? Oh, well, have a nice day. And what the heck a
Random Jeff DunhamWalter: Well, me and my wife couldn't find anywhere to park near this stinking joint! But some jerk pulled up in a brand-new Mercedes, goes right to a handicapped spot. But when he gets out of the car, there's nothing wrong with him. Don't you hate that?Random Jeff Dunham7 years ago in General Non-Fiction More Like This
Walter: So I ran his ass over! (audience laughs) Then his mother gets out, starts swingin' her crutches at me! Took her out with the door.
Jeff: Didn't the police see you?
Walter: I'm not afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys? Cops on bicycles!
Jeff: What's wrong with that?
Walter: How intimidating is this?: All right, buddy, pull it over! Ching-ching, ching!
Then when they arrest somebody: All right, in the basket!
Hell, you can tell the rookie cops, they got playing cards in their spokes! 'Halt! Digadigadigadigadigadiga!
Jeff: Well, I'm proud to call you my new manager.
Sweet Daddy Dee: How 'bout you call a Playa i
Jeff dunham and walterWalter- I don't wanna go home.Jeff dunham and walter6 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
Jeff- why not?
Walter-I think my house is haunted.
Jeff-why do you think that?
Walter-My wife is there.
Walter- I walk in the front door, and all I hear is (in a really creepy voice) get out.
Jeff- you guys had another fight on the phone to day didn't you.
Walter-you heard a little it of that did ya?
Jeff- oh yea
Walter-I hung up on her.
Jeff- not good.
Walter-she called right back (in a girlish voice) did you hang up on me. I says I don't know did it sound something like this CLICK.
Jeff- did that make her angry?
Walter-Oh I felt a disturbance in the force.
Jeff-ever feel that mad when your standing right in front of her?
Walter- oh ya.
Jeff- what did you do?
Walter-my mother always told me when ever your in a jam and you don't know what to do, think what would jessus do?
Walter- so I tried to turn her into a fish, I stood there saying be gone satin hello Shamoo.
To The Mountain"Guys, are you ready?" Jeff Dunham hollered down the staircase while coming down.To The Mountain6 years ago in Humor More Like This
Achmed yelled back, "HANG ON INFEDEL! I only have two arms!"
"Two BONES," Peanut snickered.
Achmed glared at the purple monkey, "SILENCE!!!"
Jose the Jalapeneo (on a stick!) and Walter came down the stairs after Jeff. Poor Jose was hopping down the staircase while Peanut was laughing at him.
"Purple bastard," Jose said.
"Mexican condiment," Peanut said back.
"Guys, we're gonna miss our flight to Colorado if you keep arguing!" Jeff scolded, then continued, "Ok, everyone packed?"
Achmed, Peanut, Jose, and Walter all nodded.
Jeff looked at Achmed, "Achmed, no bombs!"
Achmed looked down, "Awwww..." He took the grenades and nuclear bombs out of his bag.
Jeff clapped his hands together, "Ok, we're all set, lets move!"
Jeff and everyone else got into their
Walter's Birthday Jeff DunhamPeanut woke up early in the morning and glanced at his calendar. It was February 26, 2011, Walter's Birthday. Peanut yawned, "Oh, look, it's Walter's birthday." Then, he screamed, "WALTER'S BIRTHDAY?!? I'M SCREWED!!!!" He hadn't gotten anything for Walter, and he knew the dangers that he could be in now. He looked around his room looking for something to use as a gift. He leaped out of bed and ran to his many prized possessions. He looked at his moldy food collection and asked himself, "I wonder if Walter would like moldy cheese... nah, it's too adorable. I might as well just go hide-out at Achmed's." He ran all the way to Achmed's house and banged on the door while yelling, "ACHMED!!!! LET ME IN!!!! HELP!!!!!!!" Achmed opened the door quickly and yawned, "Peanut, it's 12:30PM on a Saturday!! I was sleeping! You know I have to train my son, AJ, to bomb people later! What's wrong?" "It's Walter's birthday and I need a place to hide-out because I didn't get him a present." Peanut sighed.Walter's Birthday Jeff Dunham4 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
JD - Now I Look Like That GuyJeff covered his mouth with his hand, trying desperatly not to laugh. Peanut growled, red in the face from the embarrassment.JD - Now I Look Like That Guy6 years ago in Short Stories More Like This
The purple boy stood in front of the taller man, a bright green patch of fluff in his hand.
"P...Peanut...? How, hehheh...HOW did you say this happened again...?" Jeff choked and fumbled with his words, giggling in between his sentances.
Peanut glared at him, still holding the little patch of green that was his hair in his hand. "It starts with a frickin' "Wal" and ends with a frickin' "Ter"..."
Jeff blinked and stared blankly at the boy, unsure of what he was saying. Peanut huffed, clenching his teeth.
"Walter, God dammit!" He yelled, throwing his arms in the air, getting angrier and angrier every second. At the mere mention of the name, a harsh laugh echoed from somewhere in the room.
"O...oooh..." Jeff said, half nodding and half snickering. Peanut crossed his arms, thoroughly unamused.
"Well...are you gunna help or not...?" Peanut looked down, blu