Top 10: Jesus or SupermanTop 10: Ways of Identifying Jesus or Superman
10. Has returned from the dead more than once, and might possibly do so again.
9. Exploits are followed by millions of avid readers for many years.
8. Subject of painful disagreement and arguments among fans.
7. Does good works without expectation of reward.
6. Maintains a tax-free Fortress of Solitude.
5. Was sent to earth to save us all.
4. Shoots heat-beams from eyes.
3. Primary opponent is evil and prefers underground lair.
2. Native language is not English.
1. Has a superb sense of humor and would never hurt the author of a Top 10 list.
Editorial DecisionEdward, you LEECH!Editorial Decision5 years ago in Humor More Like This
Youre a stinking DOG, Jacob!
Then the two fell upon each other, snarling and biting, ripping at each others clothes, then flesh. Jacob was the first to clutch Edwards penis and slide it into his mouth, chomping down. Edward followed suit, grasping Jacobs
I tossed the manuscript on my desk before I tossed my cookies. This was hopeless. This was also the best work Id received yet for the newspaper writing contest. I rubbed my eyes, trying to think up yet another new, polite way to say you so utterly suck.
So? What do you think?
I looked up at the writer responsible for this masterpiece. Mrs. Muldoon was a deacon in our church, and had fallen inexplicably hard for Ms.Meyers vampire wiles. I was as mystified as anyone, I suppose.
Top 10: Cleaned Up QuotationsTop 10: Cleaned Up QuotationsTop 10: Cleaned Up Quotations5 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers never envisioned this insanely fucked up situation in which we find ourselves
Abraham Lincoln, Ghettysburg outtake.
9. Give me a lever long enough and Ill shove it up your ass.
Archimedes, in an argument with Eratosthenes.
8. All we have to fear is fear itself. That and a fuckton of crazed Nazis.
Winston Churchill, being entirely too candid.
7. One small step for [a] man, one AH SHIT!
Neil Armstrong, slipping on the ladder.
6. What does not destroy me, pisses me off.
Fredrich Nietzsche, before kicking some serious ass.
5. All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Berlin. And therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words Ich habe keine Hosen an!
John F. Kennedy, mistakenly announcin
Jesus and LazarusJohn 11:1-45Jesus and Lazarus5 years ago in Humor More Like This
"Yo, Lazarus. Wake up."
The still form of Lazarus, Jesus's closest friend, remained dead on his rock slab. Jesus frowned, hummed to himself, fed a few twigs into the small fire he maintained in the cave.
"I'm not kidding," he intoned. "I command thee: back from the dead. Now!"
Nothing. Jesus sighed. He was new to the miracle business. Mary'd contacted him four days prior or was it six? No matter. A few days ago she'd told him Lazarus had fallen ill.
Wow. This wasn't "ill". This was stone-cold dead. He reached out and felt for a pulse, some trace of warmth. Nothing. He sighed again.
"Father? Help me out here? I kinda promised some folks I'd do this thing. I'm gonna look pretty lame if I don't "
He blew out his cheeks, looked around the cave for something that might lend inspirati
Return to SenderEmily,Return to Sender5 years ago in General More Like This
I find myself thinking of you again after so many years. I wonder what youve been up to, how things have gone since we parted. Im sorry it didnt end so well Ive thought about that final day together, perfect in sun and water yet so utterly wrong. I meant for it to be a chance to rediscover ourselves, but maybe we learned how wrong we were for each other at that time. But even so, I wonder. What if it was just a bad day?
Of course, I still love you. I never stopped. Ive had other people in my life, but never really moved on. Despite myself I compare and contrast, wondering how Id react if you suddenly showed up on my doorstep.
No, thats not true. I know how Id react. And it scares me a bit.
Anyway, Ill keep this short. Just trying to make contact, and maybe if you can revise history a bit, see that las
General Purpose Complaint FormGeneral Purpose Complaint FormGeneral Purpose Complaint Form5 years ago in Humor More Like This
[ ] Sir,
[ ] Madam,
[ ] Bitch of indeterminate gender upon whom my wrath falls like the unseen hand of a vengeful God,
I am a dissatisfied customer. To wit, I find myself growing steadily more displeased with the:
[ ] product
[ ] services
[ ] sexual relationship
[ ] exotic animal (specify) ______________________
[ ] other (specify) ____________________________
You provided and wish to bring the matter to your attention. To be blunt, the item in question:
[ ] is dangerously defective.
[ ] was ill-conceived, badly designed, and poorly implemented.
[ ] causes itching, swelling, and open sores.
[ ] has eaten the family pet.
While I am:
[ ] of a reasonable state of mind,
[ ] boiling with ill-contained fury,
[ ] concerned for my health and that of those around me,
[ ] terrified beyond reason,
I am willing to attempt a resolution that does not involve:
[ ] litigation.
[ ] murdering every employee at your business and their fami
Bounty Hunter"This here is an M650. American made. 50 rounds of caseless 7.65 mm, variable real-time rifling."Bounty Hunter5 years ago in Science Fiction More Like This
Snick! He attached a fat lozenge with an oval maw to the barrel.
"Smart grenade launcher. Full targeting suite, but none o'that GPS shit 'cus I don't trust it worth a damn in a firefight."
He held the sleek yet brutal black rifle up for a second, making sure I saw before nodding, laying it on the table with a clunk. How these bounty hunters loved to monologue about their toys.
Snicker-clack! He worked the slide on a really huge handgun.
"Desert Eagle, .50 caliber. Antique, bone stock, owned by me pappy, given t'me on my 16th birthday. I used it ta wing my first dipshit bail-jumper that summer. Oh, an I hand-load my own CDM rounds."
I nodded. Collapsed Dark Matter wasn't something you could buy on eBay. He placed the gun on the table next to the
CAN HAS CONTACT?The Science Advisor burst into the Oval Office. "We decoded their transmission, finally!" He handed over a sheet of printout.CAN HAS CONTACT?5 years ago in Humor More Like This
The President donned his reading glasses, glanced down at the text. His features softened before looking up. "So they're friendly?"
"It appears so. Weren't sure for awhile but now SIGINT pegs it at a better than 98% probability they're just asking for permission to land."
"What was all that about cheeseburgers, then? Mistranslation?"
Science laughed maniacally, caught himself. "Not exactly, sir."
National Security spoke up: "We figured it was a code for food. Like, they were making demands."
"No no, nothing like that." His breathing stabilized as he took a deep breath. "It's a sort of greeting. Hudson over at signal intelligence cracked the code. It's LOLCat speak."
The President's eyes widened. "You're kiddi
Black Night Before ChristmasAll through the house, not a creature was stirring,Black Night Before Christmas5 years ago in Humor More Like This
The mousies were all D-Con'd and gone
When what should I hear: a strange kind of whirring?
From someplace down below on the lawn!
I flew to the window and my eyes did behold
The most curious of curious sights:
A black unmarked helicopter was landing!
Unmarked, I say, and without lights.
Fearing Men In Black, or government goons,
I shuddered with fear, began ransacking the room.
I located my machete and shotgun real quick.
And made for the groundfloor, feeling a bit sick.
I was too late; the door busted in three.
Sounds came from near the old christmas tree!
I heard rummaging and breakage and hideous chuckles
What was it: Agents? Ninjas? Pirate swashbucklers?
And then I saw him, my shotgun forgotten.
A feeling of dread plugging my head like cotton.
Those boots, that suit, and the laser that thaws,
Good god almighty, it was Anti-Claus!
He stomped and he crashed,
He smashed and he threw,
Our presents were tras
Parental Control"Daddy! Dad! Lookit this! I drew a spider!"Parental Control5 years ago in Science Fiction More Like This
Jim glanced at the wildly waving sheet of paper then back to his damaged CSS page. Why wasn't it working? Some of the little boxes surrounding text were overlapping. He scrolled slowly through a thicket of tags and commands.
"Spiders have eight legs, Champ. Not Twelve."
"I know," Billy squealed, "THIS is a megaspider!"
"Awesome. Daddy's busy."
Billy wandered off, and the CSS page still wasn't working. Maybe a broken link?
"Daddy! Somebody's at the door!"
"Tell 'em I'm busy."
"They say they're a robot collective from the Alty-Net University. I think it's a Transformer!"
"I think you mean 'Alternate Universe' and I also think you're watching too much TV. Go play."
"Billy, I'm WORKING."
"Hokay." Billy ran off again.
Oh! Here it is a broken tag.
Top 10: Predictions for 2010Top 10: Predictions for 2010Top 10: Predictions for 20105 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. Sequel to smash-hit 2012 movie begins filming.
9. New DeviantArt "Personal Gropes" feature implemented. Thousands disappointed when it's revealed to be merely a typo of "Groups".
8. Global Warming is confirmed a hoax when giant space heaters are discovered in Antarctica.
7. "USDA American Beef" revealed to be made from recycled homeless people. Sales are unaffected.
6. Reality to be replaced with a cunning simulation, supported by clickable ads.
5. McDonalds releases new Happy Your Ass Up Meal, laced with antidepressants.
4. eBay accidentally auctions cursed relics from Hell, opening a space-time vortex in which Stephanie Meyer is a best-selling author with two movies made from her books.
3. Pirates vs. Ninjas debate settled once and for all when Johnny Depp is cast in Ninja Assassin II: Ninjas of the Caribbean.
2. Dan Brown's latest novel I'm Just Making Shit Up Now remains #1 on the best-seller list fo
TOP 10: Awkward MomentsTOP 10: Awkward MomentsTOP 10: Awkward Moments6 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. Discovering yours is the only properly packed parachute during a group jump.
9. Reading an expiration date of last year on the mayo AFTER eating a sandwich.
8. Accidentally submitting your "before surgery" pictures as a Deviation, and not discovering the mistake until after they've been DD'd.
7. Raging at your spouse for their inconsideration at being two hours late, before remembering you were supposed to pick them up at the airport.
6. Calling out your father's name while having sex with your mother.
5. The sudden realization that this isn't a dream: you really are naked at the PTA meeting and nobody's said anything yet.
4. Learning that "transsexual" is not the same thing as "bisexual" during a blind date.
3. Discovering the 3-month withered remains of the dog you're supposedly housesitting on the eve of the owner's return.
2. Explaining internet porn to your children.
1. Explaining internet porn of your children.
Demon TrapI finished the incantation, the last of the words yanked from my throat as they often are. My Sight revealed them swirling away from me, forming a vortex within the containment circle surrounding me, simple chalk on basement concrete.Demon Trap6 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
I stepped carefully out of the circle then, popped the cap off a bottled water and swallowed half in one long draught. By the time I wiped my chin, my visitor was already forming.
He appeared first as an orange ember, a firefly darting frantically within the containment. Finding no escape, he settled into the center, about eye-height, finally spreading himself out a bit: now he spanned a half-dozen hands, sheets of electric fire spinning and churning. The suggestion now of eyes, teeth, horns, reptile skin stretched between bird-bones.
The process was fascinating, always different, yet always similar. Their kind was a bit predictable, which was why I worked in my chosen field. A specialist,
Future Man"You sure this is a good idea?"Future Man5 years ago in Humor More Like This
Scholz shot Lenning a look, her eyes narrowed threateningly.
"Okay, okay. I'm just asking." Lenning raised his hands in futility. He knew as well how desperate the situation had become.
The High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP) was in trouble with a capital T. The giant array of antennae was located in Alaska, power supplied by a pair of experimental Navy fusion reactors, and was capable of dumping 4.5 teravolts of electrical energy into the earth's atmosphere. The cover story was simple enough: research of earth's magnetic fields.
The reality was far more complicated: weather control, death rays from the sky. Hurricane Katrina had been the most recent experiment gone wrong; Lenning feared something far, far worse from the current fuckup.
Oh, sure, they'd learned to conjure up lighting strikes at will, wipe out entire Chinese tank divisions with a s
Top 10: dA Events in 2029 ADTop 10 DeviantArt Events in the Year 2029Top 10: dA Events in 2029 AD6 years ago in Humorous Tributes More Like This
10. First DeviantArt colony ship reaches Alpha Centauri. DevMeet Centauri scheduled for 2044.
9. Beta Daily Deviations In Your Head feature enabled, and images of zombies riding unicorns are beamed directly into the skulls of major politicians, triggering some very strange new legislation.
8. Twilight/Harry Potter crossover flamewar is finally settled when Stephanie Meyers and J.K. Rowling reveal their intent to marry.
7. Debate rages on about whether clones plagiarizing their owners work is ethical.
6. Network lag issues resolved by sending dA servers back in time 10 minutes.
5. Scratch and Sniff Deviations feature retired.
4. Day long outage traced to a single Deviant who accidentally moved the entire dA server cluster into their iPod.
3. Uploading yourself as a deviation is finally permitted by changes to dA policy.
2. First contact with an alien race occurs when they login to dAmn.
Laundry DayNaturally, all the dryers were full. Mr.Ling had a crappy ratio of washers to dryers and there was always a wait. But today I was in a hurry, and figured Id risk a few quarters on the machine at the end with the Out of Order sign on it.Laundry Day5 years ago in Science Fiction More Like This
Stupid, yeah, a guaranteed loss of money but as I said, I was in a hurry. Maybe the durn thing was just slow or had a clogged filter. Worth a shot.
So I ignored the Out of Order sign and loaded my clothes, slotted the quarters and slammed them home. Was delighted when the orange light glowed and my clothes began their tumble. A hand on the glass detected warmth, too. Out of Order, my ass.
I sat back with a Discovery magazine and thumbed to the article on heavy nutrinos and missing dark matter. After a few minutes I glanced up to check my clothes and
The dryer was still a-tumblin, but instead of my jeans and t-shirts the thick glass fronted a swi
General Purpose Love LetterDear: _______________________General Purpose Love Letter5 years ago in Humor More Like This
My love! For too long I have kept my feelings secret. It's time I told you how I really feel, because:
[ ] It's making me crazy.
[ ] It's making my spouse crazy.
[ ] My therapist won't shut up about it.
[ ] The cops will be here any moment and there's no time.
Quite honestly, I'm a little obsessed. How can I make you understand? Let me try:
[ ] I tattooed your name on my body.
[ ] I tattooed your name on my spouse's body.
[ ] I changed all my pet's names to honor you.
[ ] Even the voices in my head are a little afraid of me now.
Whenever I think of you, I:
[ ] Dream of us together, forever.
[ ] Imagine what it would be like to hold you for a time.
[ ] Spasm, pass out, and wake up in a puddle of... um...
[ ] Push harder on the accelerator.
Your voice makes me:
[ ] Sigh contentedly.
[ ] Tremble like a leaf.
[ ] Tremble like a leaf-blower.
[ ] Imagine a choir of angels with loofahs.
I made a gift for you.
Love, AlwaysDo you love me?Love, Always5 years ago in Science Fiction More Like This
I stopped in mid kiss, her warm pulse beneath my lips, looking up from her neck.
Thats a hell of a thing to ask.
Her eyes flashed, the corners of her mouth quirking. I sighed, resigned. My heart thudded in my chest anyway as I said the inevitable words.
Thats good, she whispered. And leaned back and let me love her.
Moments later the secure line buzzed its harsh three-sequence alarm and all hell broke loose as I struggled free of the bed to man the console. It was my watch, after all.
Multiple inbound arcs over the North pole; this was not good. I cross-checked the Alaskan grid and confirmed the Soviet MIRVs were real, not ghosts. I looked at her, the anguish evident on my face.
Do you love me? she repeated, an uncharacteristic urgency to her tone.
I shook my head. What? You heard the its
A Vampire Walks into a BarA vampire walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, I havent had a drink all week.A Vampire Walks into a Bar5 years ago in Humor More Like This
Aw Christ, I know how this ends.
Yup. I bit him.
Larry swirled the dregs of his IPA around before draining it with a scowl. Thats how all your stories end, Boris. He smacked his lips and raised the glass above his head, where it was swept away by Gwen the barmaid and replaced with a fresh one as if by magic. She didnt look down, didnt break stride: boom, there it was. Larry loved her for it.
Across the table Boris shrugged. I have a weakness for bartenders.
They taste different?
Try it and see. Its the environment I think. It ages the blood in ways Oh hey, Frank!
Gentlemen. Frank swung a chair around, straddled it and pounded the table with
What does it take...?"What does it takes to kill an immortal?"What does it take...?5 years ago in Science Fiction More Like This
I looked up from my morning paper, and sighed. Set down my coffee and carefully unbuttoned my shirt. It was new and I did not desire it ruined. I exposed my chest and leaned back, closed my eyes.
She emptied the clip, all nine rounds. Amidst the booming I felt them enter my chest and bounce around, knicking ribs, shattering vertebrae. The shirt was wrecked anyway as I felt multiple exit wounds explode from my back. Tsk. It was one of the few hundred-dollar shirts I owned.
She sat across from me and poured herself coffee as I healed. My hearing was wrecked from the gunfire; we could not have held a normal conversation anyway. I watched her methodically reload the clip and slam it back into her gun, raining spent .32 casings into a potted plant. The gun disappeared in the folds of her coat.
Finally, I was done. I stretched, reb
Best Halloween EverAzil and Deezil loved Halloween, because they could walk the streets without worrying about people screaming and running away. They didnt even need a costume. They just went as they were: a couple of demons with red scaly skin, claws, and horns.Best Halloween Ever5 years ago in Humor More Like This
Plus there was free candy.
Trick or treat! Azil shouted when Mrs.McDuffy opened her door.
Oh my, what a scary devil! she laughed, lowering the candy bowl so Azil could select a treat. He took a Snickers bar, and surprised Mrs.McDuffy by taking a bite of it right there on her porch, right through the wrapping.
Deezil met him at the curb. Whatd you score?
Azil opened his mouth wide and Deezil peered within. Oh, sweet. Snickers. And what did she score?
Gas leak, Azil mumbled around the last of his candy bar. That was good. Your turn.
Deezil looked around, pointed at a
TOP 10: Construction TermsTop 10: Construction Terms that Sound Naughty but Really Aren'tTOP 10: Construction Terms5 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. Dropping a Stringer
9. Tongued and Grooved
8. Direct Nailing
7. Caisson Drilling
6. Butt Glazing
5. Laying Pipe
3. Loose Laid
2. Rough Plumbing
1. Weep Hole
The Ghost TrainGather round, gents and Ill tells ya a story. I calls it, The Ghost Train!The Ghost Train6 years ago in Humor More Like This
This sounds like another goddamn thing Ive heard before: haunted house where a phantom train roars by every morning at 3:00 AM, but theres no tracks or anything. People research it and discover a horrible derailing disaster in the 1800s or something, right where their house stands today. Am I close?
Not even in the same rail yard, bucko. You wanta hear this or not?
Is your story true?
As true as every story I tell! Id swear it on me dear mums grave.
The mom that loaned you fifty bucks last month? That mom?
Well, she does have a cemetery plot up at Mt.
Jesus, just get on with it. You know you will anyway.
Ahem. As I was saying The Ghost Train! Along back in the 70s, this dude I know bought some abandoned ranchland down in Texas. It
Best Funeral EverNot many people get to deliver their own eulogy. Of course, many conscientious folks plan for their passing buying plots of land, prepaying tombstones, listing the music they want grieving family members to hear.Best Funeral Ever6 years ago in Horror More Like This
But of course that wasnt enough for me.
It all began when the wife and I visited the Hall of Presidents at Disneyland. We watched Abraham Lincoln solemnly address the crowd of bored mouse-eared tourists, many of whom were simply escaping the heat of a California July and couldnt care less about American history. Old Abe stood before us, big as life, and thats when I nudged my wife, the feverish glimmerings of my diabolical plan burning my scalp with pinpricks of awesome.
Im gonna do that, I whispered to her, but of course she had no idea what I meant. Not then.
I was not obsessed with my death, no not that. Id never given it much thought actually. Death was somethi
World Domination FormWorld Domination in 9 Easy Steps!World Domination Form5 years ago in Humor More Like This
Thank you for your interest in dominating the world, a dynamic new field filled with rewards and yes, some challenges. Many people believe world domination is not for them, but surprisingly, once they try it many agree it's fun and engaging. This handy checklist can help you get started in the exciting new hobby everyone's talking about!
STEP 1: Choose Your Name
A proper name can liquify the bowels of both enemies and friends alike.
(one check per column, multiple columns allowed):
[ ] Adolf [ ] Violator [ ] The Awesome
[ ] Doctor [ ] Soul-Destroyer [ ] The Merciless
[ ] Billy