Editorial DecisionEdward, you LEECH!
Youre a stinking DOG, Jacob!
Then the two fell upon each other, snarling and biting, ripping at each others clothes, then flesh. Jacob was the first to clutch Edwards penis and slide it into his mouth, chomping down. Edward followed suit, grasping Jacobs
I tossed the manuscript on my desk before I tossed my cookies. This was hopeless. This was also the best work Id received yet for the newspaper writing contest. I rubbed my eyes, trying to think up yet another new, polite way to say you so utterly suck.
So? What do you think?
I looked up at the writer responsible for this masterpiece. Mrs. Muldoon was a deacon in our church, and had fallen inexplicably hard for Ms.Meyers vampire wiles. I was as mystified as anyone, I suppose.
General Purpose Complaint FormGeneral Purpose Complaint FormGeneral Purpose Complaint Form6 years ago in Humor More Like This
[ ] Sir,
[ ] Madam,
[ ] Bitch of indeterminate gender upon whom my wrath falls like the unseen hand of a vengeful God,
I am a dissatisfied customer. To wit, I find myself growing steadily more displeased with the:
[ ] product
[ ] services
[ ] sexual relationship
[ ] exotic animal (specify) ______________________
[ ] other (specify) ____________________________
You provided and wish to bring the matter to your attention. To be blunt, the item in question:
[ ] is dangerously defective.
[ ] was ill-conceived, badly designed, and poorly implemented.
[ ] causes itching, swelling, and open sores.
[ ] has eaten the family pet.
While I am:
[ ] of a reasonable state of mind,
[ ] boiling with ill-contained fury,
[ ] concerned for my health and that of those around me,
[ ] terrified beyond reason,
I am willing to attempt a resolution that does not involve:
[ ] litigation.
[ ] murdering every employee at your business and their fami
Top 10: Cleaned Up QuotationsTop 10: Cleaned Up QuotationsTop 10: Cleaned Up Quotations6 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers never envisioned this insanely fucked up situation in which we find ourselves
Abraham Lincoln, Ghettysburg outtake.
9. Give me a lever long enough and Ill shove it up your ass.
Archimedes, in an argument with Eratosthenes.
8. All we have to fear is fear itself. That and a fuckton of crazed Nazis.
Winston Churchill, being entirely too candid.
7. One small step for [a] man, one AH SHIT!
Neil Armstrong, slipping on the ladder.
6. What does not destroy me, pisses me off.
Fredrich Nietzsche, before kicking some serious ass.
5. All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Berlin. And therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words Ich habe keine Hosen an!
John F. Kennedy, mistakenly announcin
CAN HAS CONTACT?The Science Advisor burst into the Oval Office. "We decoded their transmission, finally!" He handed over a sheet of printout.CAN HAS CONTACT?6 years ago in Humor More Like This
The President donned his reading glasses, glanced down at the text. His features softened before looking up. "So they're friendly?"
"It appears so. Weren't sure for awhile but now SIGINT pegs it at a better than 98% probability they're just asking for permission to land."
"What was all that about cheeseburgers, then? Mistranslation?"
Science laughed maniacally, caught himself. "Not exactly, sir."
National Security spoke up: "We figured it was a code for food. Like, they were making demands."
"No no, nothing like that." His breathing stabilized as he took a deep breath. "It's a sort of greeting. Hudson over at signal intelligence cracked the code. It's LOLCat speak."
The President's eyes widened. "You're kiddi
Top 10: Jesus or SupermanTop 10: Ways of Identifying Jesus or SupermanTop 10: Jesus or Superman6 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. Has returned from the dead more than once, and might possibly do so again.
9. Exploits are followed by millions of avid readers for many years.
8. Subject of painful disagreement and arguments among fans.
7. Does good works without expectation of reward.
6. Maintains a tax-free Fortress of Solitude.
5. Was sent to earth to save us all.
4. Shoots heat-beams from eyes.
3. Primary opponent is evil and prefers underground lair.
2. Native language is not English.
1. Has a superb sense of humor and would never hurt the author of a Top 10 list.
Return to SenderEmily,Return to Sender6 years ago in General More Like This
I find myself thinking of you again after so many years. I wonder what youve been up to, how things have gone since we parted. Im sorry it didnt end so well Ive thought about that final day together, perfect in sun and water yet so utterly wrong. I meant for it to be a chance to rediscover ourselves, but maybe we learned how wrong we were for each other at that time. But even so, I wonder. What if it was just a bad day?
Of course, I still love you. I never stopped. Ive had other people in my life, but never really moved on. Despite myself I compare and contrast, wondering how Id react if you suddenly showed up on my doorstep.
No, thats not true. I know how Id react. And it scares me a bit.
Anyway, Ill keep this short. Just trying to make contact, and maybe if you can revise history a bit, see that las
General Purpose Love LetterDear: _______________________General Purpose Love Letter6 years ago in Humor More Like This
My love! For too long I have kept my feelings secret. It's time I told you how I really feel, because:
[ ] It's making me crazy.
[ ] It's making my spouse crazy.
[ ] My therapist won't shut up about it.
[ ] The cops will be here any moment and there's no time.
Quite honestly, I'm a little obsessed. How can I make you understand? Let me try:
[ ] I tattooed your name on my body.
[ ] I tattooed your name on my spouse's body.
[ ] I changed all my pet's names to honor you.
[ ] Even the voices in my head are a little afraid of me now.
Whenever I think of you, I:
[ ] Dream of us together, forever.
[ ] Imagine what it would be like to hold you for a time.
[ ] Spasm, pass out, and wake up in a puddle of... um...
[ ] Push harder on the accelerator.
Your voice makes me:
[ ] Sigh contentedly.
[ ] Tremble like a leaf.
[ ] Tremble like a leaf-blower.
[ ] Imagine a choir of angels with loofahs.
I made a gift for you.
What does it take...?"What does it takes to kill an immortal?"What does it take...?6 years ago in Science Fiction More Like This
I looked up from my morning paper, and sighed. Set down my coffee and carefully unbuttoned my shirt. It was new and I did not desire it ruined. I exposed my chest and leaned back, closed my eyes.
She emptied the clip, all nine rounds. Amidst the booming I felt them enter my chest and bounce around, knicking ribs, shattering vertebrae. The shirt was wrecked anyway as I felt multiple exit wounds explode from my back. Tsk. It was one of the few hundred-dollar shirts I owned.
She sat across from me and poured herself coffee as I healed. My hearing was wrecked from the gunfire; we could not have held a normal conversation anyway. I watched her methodically reload the clip and slam it back into her gun, raining spent .32 casings into a potted plant. The gun disappeared in the folds of her coat.
Finally, I was done. I stretched, reb
Jesus and LazarusJohn 11:1-45Jesus and Lazarus6 years ago in Humor More Like This
"Yo, Lazarus. Wake up."
The still form of Lazarus, Jesus's closest friend, remained dead on his rock slab. Jesus frowned, hummed to himself, fed a few twigs into the small fire he maintained in the cave.
"I'm not kidding," he intoned. "I command thee: back from the dead. Now!"
Nothing. Jesus sighed. He was new to the miracle business. Mary'd contacted him four days prior or was it six? No matter. A few days ago she'd told him Lazarus had fallen ill.
Wow. This wasn't "ill". This was stone-cold dead. He reached out and felt for a pulse, some trace of warmth. Nothing. He sighed again.
"Father? Help me out here? I kinda promised some folks I'd do this thing. I'm gonna look pretty lame if I don't "
He blew out his cheeks, looked around the cave for something that might lend inspirati
Tiny HorsesStephs phone buzzed briefly. She flicked her gaze downwards to glimpse the incoming text.Tiny Horses6 years ago in Science Fiction More Like This
AM HERE NOW. WHERE R U?
All caps; she didnt need to look at the name to know whose text it was. Shed been carrying her Nokia in her hand expecting to get something any time now. She scanned the faces in the crowd briefly, hoping she could guess who her mystery contact was, but gave up. She was moments away from meeting him anyway; she could wait that long.
She texted back: Im wearing a green t-shirt and holding a phone, you goof. She breathed deep, hit send. Waited a moment, then began waving her phone in the air slowly like she was directing traffic. A ringtone off to her right: the theme from Mister Ed. Of course. She smiled despite herself.
The slightly-built man holding his phone twenty-five feet to her right grinned sheepishly as he thumbed Mister Ed off
Top 10: dA Events in 2029 ADTop 10 DeviantArt Events in the Year 2029Top 10: dA Events in 2029 AD6 years ago in Humorous Tributes More Like This
10. First DeviantArt colony ship reaches Alpha Centauri. DevMeet Centauri scheduled for 2044.
9. Beta Daily Deviations In Your Head feature enabled, and images of zombies riding unicorns are beamed directly into the skulls of major politicians, triggering some very strange new legislation.
8. Twilight/Harry Potter crossover flamewar is finally settled when Stephanie Meyers and J.K. Rowling reveal their intent to marry.
7. Debate rages on about whether clones plagiarizing their owners work is ethical.
6. Network lag issues resolved by sending dA servers back in time 10 minutes.
5. Scratch and Sniff Deviations feature retired.
4. Day long outage traced to a single Deviant who accidentally moved the entire dA server cluster into their iPod.
3. Uploading yourself as a deviation is finally permitted by changes to dA policy.
2. First contact with an alien race occurs when they login to dAmn.
Love, AlwaysDo you love me?Love, Always6 years ago in Science Fiction More Like This
I stopped in mid kiss, her warm pulse beneath my lips, looking up from her neck.
Thats a hell of a thing to ask.
Her eyes flashed, the corners of her mouth quirking. I sighed, resigned. My heart thudded in my chest anyway as I said the inevitable words.
Thats good, she whispered. And leaned back and let me love her.
Moments later the secure line buzzed its harsh three-sequence alarm and all hell broke loose as I struggled free of the bed to man the console. It was my watch, after all.
Multiple inbound arcs over the North pole; this was not good. I cross-checked the Alaskan grid and confirmed the Soviet MIRVs were real, not ghosts. I looked at her, the anguish evident on my face.
Do you love me? she repeated, an uncharacteristic urgency to her tone.
I shook my head. What? You heard the its
Future Man"You sure this is a good idea?"Future Man6 years ago in Humor More Like This
Scholz shot Lenning a look, her eyes narrowed threateningly.
"Okay, okay. I'm just asking." Lenning raised his hands in futility. He knew as well how desperate the situation had become.
The High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program (HAARP) was in trouble with a capital T. The giant array of antennae was located in Alaska, power supplied by a pair of experimental Navy fusion reactors, and was capable of dumping 4.5 teravolts of electrical energy into the earth's atmosphere. The cover story was simple enough: research of earth's magnetic fields.
The reality was far more complicated: weather control, death rays from the sky. Hurricane Katrina had been the most recent experiment gone wrong; Lenning feared something far, far worse from the current fuckup.
Oh, sure, they'd learned to conjure up lighting strikes at will, wipe out entire Chinese tank divisions with a s
Laundry DayNaturally, all the dryers were full. Mr.Ling had a crappy ratio of washers to dryers and there was always a wait. But today I was in a hurry, and figured Id risk a few quarters on the machine at the end with the Out of Order sign on it.Laundry Day6 years ago in Science Fiction More Like This
Stupid, yeah, a guaranteed loss of money but as I said, I was in a hurry. Maybe the durn thing was just slow or had a clogged filter. Worth a shot.
So I ignored the Out of Order sign and loaded my clothes, slotted the quarters and slammed them home. Was delighted when the orange light glowed and my clothes began their tumble. A hand on the glass detected warmth, too. Out of Order, my ass.
I sat back with a Discovery magazine and thumbed to the article on heavy nutrinos and missing dark matter. After a few minutes I glanced up to check my clothes and
The dryer was still a-tumblin, but instead of my jeans and t-shirts the thick glass fronted a swi
Top 10: Failing PresentationTop 10: Signs of a Failing PresentationTop 10: Failing Presentation6 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. PowerPoint spontaneously replaces your slides with pics from its vacation to Peru.
9. The only question posed during the Q/A segment is, "Are you done yet?"
8. Audience begins laughing before you tell your opening joke.
7. More drool stains on conference table than usual.
6. You learn six new ways to say "you suck".
5. The guy with the giant hook edges ever closer from stage left.
4. Your projector breaks down halfway through and nobody notices.
3. You made the motivational speaker cry.
2. One emergency conference call, two fire drills, and a three-hour lunch break.
1. When you close with, "Thanks, and see you tomorrow!" your manager just laughs and shakes her head sadly.
Out With a BangCharlotte slotted another AEM round into the launch tube, raised it to her shoulder and sighted through the targeting scope. She hummed tunelessly as she did so, finally selecting a window on the 35th floor. Not too high, close enough to the ground so that most of the mass of the building was above that center of gravity. She whispered to the weapons rather stupid targeting computer.Out With a Bang6 years ago in Science Fiction More Like This
Set Mode: bunker-buster. Manual Target: acquire visually. Safe and hold.
Target locked. Safe and Hold acknowledged, the AEM chirped in her ear.
Charlotte Grace Evelyn McHanson grunted happily as she lowered the tube to see what Brett was up to. She spotted him behind her, in an abandoned parking structure, waving from the topmost floor.
Abandoned. Why did she keep using that word? Everything was abandoned.
Ho Char, Bretts call came through her link.
Best Halloween EverAzil and Deezil loved Halloween, because they could walk the streets without worrying about people screaming and running away. They didnt even need a costume. They just went as they were: a couple of demons with red scaly skin, claws, and horns.Best Halloween Ever6 years ago in Humor More Like This
Plus there was free candy.
Trick or treat! Azil shouted when Mrs.McDuffy opened her door.
Oh my, what a scary devil! she laughed, lowering the candy bowl so Azil could select a treat. He took a Snickers bar, and surprised Mrs.McDuffy by taking a bite of it right there on her porch, right through the wrapping.
Deezil met him at the curb. Whatd you score?
Azil opened his mouth wide and Deezil peered within. Oh, sweet. Snickers. And what did she score?
Gas leak, Azil mumbled around the last of his candy bar. That was good. Your turn.
Deezil looked around, pointed at a
A Vampire Walks into a BarA vampire walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, I havent had a drink all week.A Vampire Walks into a Bar6 years ago in Humor More Like This
Aw Christ, I know how this ends.
Yup. I bit him.
Larry swirled the dregs of his IPA around before draining it with a scowl. Thats how all your stories end, Boris. He smacked his lips and raised the glass above his head, where it was swept away by Gwen the barmaid and replaced with a fresh one as if by magic. She didnt look down, didnt break stride: boom, there it was. Larry loved her for it.
Across the table Boris shrugged. I have a weakness for bartenders.
They taste different?
Try it and see. Its the environment I think. It ages the blood in ways Oh hey, Frank!
Gentlemen. Frank swung a chair around, straddled it and pounded the table with
Demon TrapI finished the incantation, the last of the words yanked from my throat as they often are. My Sight revealed them swirling away from me, forming a vortex within the containment circle surrounding me, simple chalk on basement concrete.Demon Trap6 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
I stepped carefully out of the circle then, popped the cap off a bottled water and swallowed half in one long draught. By the time I wiped my chin, my visitor was already forming.
He appeared first as an orange ember, a firefly darting frantically within the containment. Finding no escape, he settled into the center, about eye-height, finally spreading himself out a bit: now he spanned a half-dozen hands, sheets of electric fire spinning and churning. The suggestion now of eyes, teeth, horns, reptile skin stretched between bird-bones.
The process was fascinating, always different, yet always similar. Their kind was a bit predictable, which was why I worked in my chosen field. A specialist,
TOP 10: Awkward MomentsTOP 10: Awkward MomentsTOP 10: Awkward Moments6 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. Discovering yours is the only properly packed parachute during a group jump.
9. Reading an expiration date of last year on the mayo AFTER eating a sandwich.
8. Accidentally submitting your "before surgery" pictures as a Deviation, and not discovering the mistake until after they've been DD'd.
7. Raging at your spouse for their inconsideration at being two hours late, before remembering you were supposed to pick them up at the airport.
6. Calling out your father's name while having sex with your mother.
5. The sudden realization that this isn't a dream: you really are naked at the PTA meeting and nobody's said anything yet.
4. Learning that "transsexual" is not the same thing as "bisexual" during a blind date.
3. Discovering the 3-month withered remains of the dog you're supposedly housesitting on the eve of the owner's return.
2. Explaining internet porn to your children.
1. Explaining internet porn of your children.
Most Magical SwordSarith the Mage was also a master craftsman. He possessed a rare combination of talents, able to work with metal, leather, and wood as well as magic. His name was spoken with reverence among the Twenty Tribes.Most Magical Sword6 years ago in Fantasy More Like This
He was a kind man, also, giving freely of his abilities to those in need. Gifts are returned in thrice, was his common response to awkward thanks offered by grateful clansmen. And his influence was great, leading by example as he did, for his neighbors bore a reputation for fairness and reliability among the Twenty.
Naturally, then, it came to pass that the invaders sought him out. The Twenty Tribes were a loose affiliation of villages really, not a unified state. And one by one they fell to Krune: master strategist and cunning tactician of the Ravaging Horde.
Krune stood before him now, a huge icon of barely contained rage. Everything about the man bespoke power, from his precise
Top 10: Last Thing HeardTop 10 Last Things You Will Ever HearTop 10: Last Thing Heard7 years ago in Humor More Like This
10. "Don't worry, they're not the least bit territorial this time of year."
9. "Thank you for calling Poison Information Hotline. We're sorry, but we are experiencing heavy call volume. Please stay on the line for the next available operator."
8. "Cut the red wire, not the blue wire."
7. "I can never remember... is it extend flaps before landing?"
6. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
5. "Northstar would like to take this moment to apologize for the inappropriate joke directions we've been distributing for the past hour. Specifically, there is no underwater tunnel between the United States and Europe."
4. "Let's head down to the basement to see what those creepy noises are!"
3. "Cast ye out, demon!"
2. "Which is the more definitive literary work? Twilight or Harry Potter?"
1. "Go ahead. Ralf won't mind if you take the last cup o
DiplomacyThe alien ambassador is here, sir.Diplomacy6 years ago in Science Fiction More Like This
Right, Johansen turned from his Outlook inbox. Send him in.
The alien ducked his immense deep-sea-divers helmet and clunked into Johansens office, pushing the small metal cart before it. It paused comically to close Johansens door behind it, a small courtesy that made him smile.
Its environmental suit, all metal and brass fittings, was far too bulky for office furniture. It stood before his desk hissing and clicking, the tiny black eyes peering out through leaded glass portholes. Folds of skin crinkled up in a smile as the gramophone on the cart whispered its greeting.
Good day to you, Doctor Johansen.
And, to you, sir! the human shouted into the horn. Are you ready to resume where we left off yesterday? Technology trades?
Good, good! Howd your
Bounty Hunter"This here is an M650. American made. 50 rounds of caseless 7.65 mm, variable real-time rifling."Bounty Hunter6 years ago in Science Fiction More Like This
Snick! He attached a fat lozenge with an oval maw to the barrel.
"Smart grenade launcher. Full targeting suite, but none o'that GPS shit 'cus I don't trust it worth a damn in a firefight."
He held the sleek yet brutal black rifle up for a second, making sure I saw before nodding, laying it on the table with a clunk. How these bounty hunters loved to monologue about their toys.
Snicker-clack! He worked the slide on a really huge handgun.
"Desert Eagle, .50 caliber. Antique, bone stock, owned by me pappy, given t'me on my 16th birthday. I used it ta wing my first dipshit bail-jumper that summer. Oh, an I hand-load my own CDM rounds."
I nodded. Collapsed Dark Matter wasn't something you could buy on eBay. He placed the gun on the table next to the
DelicacyI knew there was something different about you, love, the first time you went down on me all breathless and giggles.Delicacy6 years ago in Horror More Like This
Your fangs sank into my penis, but before I could scream your venom had already tricked my nerves into loving you. How delicious the final thrust must have been, the hot blood mixed with salty ejaculate. I can only imagine from your look of sleepy satisfaction, gazing down from a million miles away.
Your lips found other places to taste. The veins in my thighs, elbows, wrists. And of course, finally, the neck. How stereotypical, yet how perfect. I swooned with each feast, the sex dimming to a muted roar like a freight train passing above us. Ive tasted heroin, but you, my dear, surpass that glory.
Eventually of course I asked you what it was like. Your enigmatic smile wasnt enough; I pressed you for details. And when you shrugged I took you by the ha