Making mistakes or bad decisions does not make you a bad person. A bad person is someone who do them but never owns up to them.
We all make mistakes, we all make bad decisions, whether because of our emotions or our situations. Everyone has problems, and nobody's perfect. We all got things to learn and we learn them all differently.
But you never owned up to what you did. You never gave your due apologies.
You keep giving excuses like "I didn't know better", "I wasn't feeling well" or even "it wasn't that bad".
You keep turning the tables by justifying your deed as a form of "punishment", a "lesson", a "necessity" or because you "had no choice".
You only pity yourself by expressing self loathe and self regret. You speak so greatly about the pain and disappointment you feel, yet you fail to share that felt by the others because of your deed.
You half-ass your responsibility to redeem yourself from this by doing unrelated good deeds and sending materialistic gifts.
A wrong deed is a wrong deed. What you hurt is hurt. Nothing changes that reality regardless of whether you were intentional or unintentional.
You feel sorry? Then stop making this about you for once.
Stop half-assing it by being sorry to yourself. Stop avoiding confrontation and trying to find other ways to justify it. Stop thinking about your dignity, your shame, and your own pain, because when it comes to owning up to your mistakes, it's not for you. It's for the person or things you hurt, embarrassed, violated, damaged or destroyed as a result.
If you can do all this, then maybe your apology or redemption might actually mean something.
If not, not only are you a bad person, but a coward. You can mask it away with toughness, a sob story, utter resent; you can distract yourself with violence and melodrama; but underneath it all it's just a same person: a coward who wants to run away, a little child.
So maybe most people aren't really bad at heart; they are just children at heart. Sure, there are certainly evil people, but you aren't evil. I doubt you even know what it is or even what it takes to be evil.
Even "evil" can be more responsible and mature than you. Even "evil" would clean up after themselves. Even "evil" would face the world instead of hiding behind the safety of their power.
So everything from bullies, bigots, abusers, cruel dictators, rapists, serial killers, repeated felons...you know what? Most of them don't even earn the label "evil".
They are just children. Needy children who can't control themselves, who can't acknowledge any responsibilities, who entitles themselves to do whatever the heck they want, and most of all, fail to later face and make up for what they did. Children who think they are bigger than what they are, even though all inside they are still so small and immature. This can seem (annoying and) cute when you are like 5 years old, then it gets pretty disappointing and depressing as you get older and older. Only if all these people can be given proper, leveled spanking.
You think going to top college and getting good grades, getting a job, knowing the "dark secrets about the society" and the odd world of sex, having more factual knowledge, having experienced life hardship, being exposed to the cruelty of the people and the world, talking eloquently, being capable of destroying and hurting other people and things, and growing up to a larger body necessarily & automatically makes you into a "mature" adult? No, it has nothing to do with what you do specifically. The only thing that would prove you to be a mature adult is when you are capable of taking responsibilities. Responsibility to do what you need to do and do what you can do. Responsibility to try to control yourself at all times, responsibility to face the consequences of your deeds and do what you can to make up for it. You give yourself that responsibility as it is given to any body else, I don't think there's any exception.
Maybe I myself am a coward and child for not telling you this face to face, but you know, this isn't for you. This isn't so that I can see a sad regret on your face or have you apologizing to me thousands times, especially because this is so past. I'd love to do things to spite you, but whatever happened has happened, and we got done. However all this time I felt so unspoken. So I am speaking now, but just to myself, so I can free myself from you.
This is not a pardon. This is not a forgiveness. This is not a "let's just forget that it happened". I don't wish well on you, I wish you'd suffer. I wish everything single word I want to say reaches you. This is not a benefit of the doubt, you already took too many. This is me just accepting the fact that you are just a child that's not worth my time wallowing over. There are better things to put my mind on, and there are far worse things I will face in life. There are better things to waste my time on than to dream about closure and revenge.
Give the baby its bottle.
This is just a message to my ex and a few other people I've met, that I don't expect to be read by them. Most probably can't take this to heart anyway unless they learn it by themselves through life.
Sometimes I just don't have the power to change a person.
But again, this is simply for me and my own closure. My head hurts now, good night.