Midori grumbled silently as she made her way through the security checkpoints and out into the street. She could still see the plume of smoke rising from the penthouse windows from the Thermoplas explosion. Private guards and municipal police milled about and arguments about jurisdiction floated through the air as the authorities gathered around the building like hyenas around a corpse.
A day late and a dollar short. She groused to herself as she surrendered her purse to a stocky security guard whose thick jowls and sunken eyes made him look more like a bulldog than some of the sculpts she had seen. Her foot tapped impatiently as the man rifled through her stuff.
Do you have somewhere to be, Miss? the guard asked skeptically. You seem to be in a hurry. Perhaps youre hiding something.
No, officer. She practically choked on the word, before plastering a smile on her face, just a little jittery is all. I forgot my phone, and I want to tell my boyfriend that Im all right. Midori almost felt bad at lying to the guard. He was only doing his job, after all. But if they had been doing it right, this might not have happened at all.
The guard looked into her purse and back to Midori.
Im sorry miss, he replied, his expression softened as he handed the purse back, Its been a rough night, and well, we cant be too careful. You have a good evening, and take care on your way home.
Thanks. You take care too. Midori grabbed her purse, and started to turn away, muttering a quiet Idiot. under her breath.
She made her way through the crowd of rubberneckers and crossed the street. She ignored the gaze of eyes that she managed to pull as she walked by. She was definitely underdressed to be walking around Vegas without an escort.
Finally, a couple blocks away in an old parking garage, she came to her ride. A non-descript freight truck, typical of the kind used in the early 21st century to haul goods, and still painted in its distinctive brown paint. She stopped at the rear cargo hatch, and slid a hidden panel open to reveal a distinctly non-standard keypad. She quickly punched in her access code, and an electronic beep and metallic click told her that she was in. She hopped up on the oversized rear loading bumper, and hoisted the door open.
The cargo hold was dark, except for the flickering array of computer monitors piled against the far wall on a reinforced computer desk, and the ridiculously expensive office chair that set next to it. Midori tossed her purse aside onto the plush leather seat of a sleek motorcycle that was resting on its kickstand to the side of the cargo area. A thick duffel bag draped across its gas tank.
Gene, Midori began as she took the headband out of her hair. What do you have for me?
Nice to see you too Midi. Gene groused as he swiveled in his chair to face her. He was a tall man, and surprisingly muscular considering his occupation. He was in his mid twenties, and only slightly older than Midori himself. Affixed to the arms of his office chairs were two customized keyboards he had designed himself. All of the keys of a standard keyboard were on each, but designed to be operated with a single hand. A complex communications headset sat atop his brow, with complete communications suite built in.
Hey, I was the one in the room that exploded! She chided good naturedly. Hows Ammie doing? She got to be, what seven months along now?
Actually, eight. He began, ignoring Midoris look of surprise, And the doctor is kinda worried. She hasnt put on that much weight, and she was pretty active in the first trimester. He paused momentarily to remember what had happened back then, and shook his head before he continued, The doctor told her to stay in bed as much as she can.
Ooh, I bet she hates that.
Yeah, its not easy living with her right now. Dont tell her this, but Im actually glad we got called on a mission. It gives me an excuse to get out of the house for a bit.
I feel bad I havent been over to visit in so long. Midori admitted guiltily, Ill visit you guys after this mission, I promise. Besides, I hear the snowboarding in Colorado is excellent.
We wont be able to get you off the slopes, will we? Gene asked as her turned to face his monitors again.
Maybe, Midori replied, walking up to the chair she looked at the monitors briefly from over Genes shoulder. What do you have for me?
Gene cracked his knuckles and his fingers danced across his custom keyboards.
Have you thought about getting a Neural Interface Jack? Midori asked while watching his fingers fly from key to key, My dads been working on them, and he says that they should get government approval within the next two years.
Gene shook his head, No thanks. I like the sense of disconnect I get with standard net jacks. If I were to get plugged in, I dont know if I would ever unplug.
Your call, Midori replied with a shrug, So, what do we have here?
I managed to track the two contacts through town. The truck went to a run down motel, and the helicopter went to a municipal airport just outside of town. I dont know which one had GunBunny, so its a heads or tails sort of scenario.
Which one is further away? Midori asked, a predatory smile spread slowly across her face.
The airport.
Thats where Im headed then. Midori walked back to the motorcycle against the wall and pulled out a sleek black bodysuit of monofilament crystal weave out of the duffel bag, and a matching black leather motorcycle jacket with reinforced Kevlar padding. Shut your eyes, I dont want you peeking in the reflection on the monitor again.
Midi, Im hurt. Besides, Im married.
Just shut your eyes.
Midori waited a few seconds before slipping the dress off her shoulders, the silken fabric pooling on the floor at her feet. She quickly stepped into the bodysuit and zipped herself in with practiced ease. She connected the kinetic energy capacitors, and the monofilament circuitry glowed with a dim cerulean glow as the charge passed through the suit. She shouldered her way into her jacket and lowered the ramp on the pneumatic lift before wheeling her bike into position.
She slung her leg over and straddled the bike and thumbed the push-button ignition and the sleek Japanese machine roared to life beneath her. She twisted the throttle forward and the bike lurched off the lift and Midori sped into the darkness.













Devious Comments
I'm looking forward to reading more from your side,
I don't want to step all over your toes with this, and I don't want to interfere with what you are working with. You have a very engaging narrative, and I am honored that you would let me contribute.
I still feel like I am dancing on a knife edge as far as tech goes. Midori does have access to some pretty neat toys, but I hope they aren't too neat.
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"I reject your reality and substitute my own."
How about you swallow some razor-wire, pull it out your ass, and FLOSS YOURSELF TO DEATH!
My writing: [link]
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"I reject your reality and substitute my own."
How about you swallow some razor-wire, pull it out your ass, and FLOSS YOURSELF TO DEATH!
My writing: [link]
It does seem a little bit forced...which I also tend to say about my own work, often enough. But other than that, brilliant.
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Crazy Polish Women freak me the hell out.
I almost think the first one was better, but yeah this was fun to write.
Though which parts seemed forced? I think the dialogue between the guard and Midori might be weak, but that might be my own self-depreciation.
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"I reject your reality and substitute my own."
How about you swallow some razor-wire, pull it out your ass, and FLOSS YOURSELF TO DEATH!
My writing: [link]
I get a little bit over-critical when I'm tired.
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Crazy Polish Women freak me the hell out.
over critical is ok. It's better than "this is cool" and leaving.
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"I reject your reality and substitute my own."
How about you swallow some razor-wire, pull it out your ass, and FLOSS YOURSELF TO DEATH!
My writing: [link]
Here goes:
She slung her leg over and straddled the bike and thumbed the push-button ignition as the sleek Japanese bike roared to life beneath her. With a twist of her wrist the bike lurched off the lift and Midori sped into the darkness.
In the first sentence of the paragraph, work on your word placement and variety. You use 'bike' twice in the same sentence - it's redundant. Also, saying that she's pushing the ignition AS the bike roars to life doesn't seem as correct as if she were to push the ignition AND the bike roars to life. It's small, but it messes with the flow of the piece.
In the second sentence, 'with a twist of her wrist' sounds too whimsical and song-like. I like to try and avoid rhyming, even small ones, because readers will be able to pick them out very, very easily. Another minor problem that affects your piece's flow.
Here's how I would've rewritten that paragraph:
She slung her leg over the bike, straddling it, and thumbed the push-button ignition, the sleek Japanese bike roaring to life beneath her. She twisted the throttle forward, and the bike lurched off of the lift, sending Midori speeding into the darkness.
Next.
Midori waited a few seconds before shrugging out of her dress, the silken fabric pooling on the floor at her feet. She quickly stepped into the bodysuit and zipped herself in with practiced ease. She connected the kinetic energy capacitors, and the monofilament circuitry glowed with a dim cerulean glow as the charge passed through the suit. She shrugged her way into her jacket and lowered the ramp on the pneumatic lift before wheeling her bike into position.
This paragraph is good, but something about it bothers me. I'm not entirely sure if this is it, but saying that she 'shrugs' in and out of clothing seems a little bit awkward, even if you're trying to convey a specific movement. Also, the word variety problem arises again.
Moving on.
“Maybe,” Midori replied, walking up to the chair she looked at the monitors briefly from over Gene’s shoulder, “What do you have for me?”
Okay, not sure if this was a typo or not, but this particular paragraph seems more out-of-whack than the others. Got some run-on sentence issues in here. Also, I saw this a few other spots in the piece, but at the second half of this paragraph, when you open up the quotations a second time, I think it would seem more natural if you used a period instead of a comma. That may sound vague, so I'll re-write this one, too, and bold the part that I'm talking about:
“Maybe,” Midori replied, walking up to the chair. She looked at the monitors briefly from over Gene’s shoulder.(this is the period I'm talking about) “What do you have for me?”
There are a lot of other errors and parts that could definitely use grammar and mechanics tweaks, but they're really, really small, and would only add polish, not substance or flow, to what you've got here. If you REALLY want, I can go back and over-analyze those so you can seriously put your best foot forward with those, but I'm too lazy to do it without being asked first.
Alright, after all of that, it probably seems like I've got nothing good to say about your work. And that's not true - a lot of your sentences are absolutely amazing, and the imagery throughout the whole piece is vividly fascinating, if rough at a few parts. I particularly liked this sentence:
Gene cracked his knuckles and his fingers danced across his custom keyboards.
Something about it struck me as incredible well written, and fantastically executed. Most of the spots in here where the narrative is explaining new technology, or the characters are talking about it, are the best spots in the whole thing. Definitely your forté.
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Crazy Polish Women freak me the hell out.
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