Chronic Headache 283

I've suffered from a chronic headache and a traumatic brain injury for 8 years. It's very difficult, because people can't see my disability, so they don't understand when i can't do something, or can't attend a function, or disappear for weeks, or even months at a time.  Plus, people only see me when i'm rested, when i'm on an upswing, and have the energy to make myself presentable - few have seen me when i'm in too much pain to get out of bed.  You can't paint smiles or rainbows on that - you can't visualize pain and dizziness away that's with you all the time, and can grow so intense it keeps you from being able to think.  By expressing my pain thru art, it helps me to deal with it - i simply don't believe if i just pretend things are good, then they'll be good, becoz clearly that's not how the world works.  My doctor and i had a long talk about this.  I've suffered more than most people can imagine, let alone comprehend - and it isn't fair - i know life simply is NOT fair for many people - all i ever wanted to do was help people, i willingly and lovingly made sacrifices to live honorably - but that didn't stop three poles from bashing me in the head.  It simply isn't true that good things happen to good people - when i said that to my doctor, she sadly and sagely hung her head, and i felt in that moment all the suffering she had seen, all the injustice of ill health she had witnessed, and she said "you're right, that's a reality of life." My pain is larger than most people can imagine - i know this for a fact because i have a friend with a TBI and even tho i could *see* she was suffering, i didn't understand what she was going thru until i went thru it.  And having gender dysphoria - unless your gay or trans you really have no idea what it's like to have your own mind turn against you - to have yearnings and desires that make you question your sanity and selfhood - then to suffer brain damage, and have my mind turn against me physically, keeping me from being able to accomplish - i was created with this incredible gift as an artist, but my injury keeps me from being able to fully utilize it.  My doctor today allowed me to have my feelings, she went with me to the dark places of sorrow, pain and madness, and i felt better.  I feel more pain free today then i have in a long time. 

MORE FROM THE CHRONIC HEADACHE SERIES
All of these portraits were made using the same basic photo, which i then manipulated in iPhoto, Preview, and Image Tricks

Chronic Headache 04                      Blinding Pain                                      Chronic Headache: Sick & Dizzy               
                                         

Pain That Melts Your Face Off          Pain Is Driving Me Mad              Chronic Headache 43 Scream