I Understand Now

No longer am I happy,
No longer can I cry,
I don't want to realize,
The fact that you died.
The night that your life ended,
My insides also died,
For many long hours,
My body sat, and cried.
You suffered so much pain,
Knew it would happen soon one day,
And yet you always smiled,
Not a singel tear do I recall that you cried.
I'm sorry that I distanced,
My physical self from you,
I was worried that I'd break you,
Hurt you, or much worse,
But please know my mind was with you,
For you I prayed everyday.
I hoped with all my heart,
That God would not come and take you away.
But I was being selfish,
You'd just have suffered more.
I know that there's a reason,
For everything he does.
But I can't think of why,
He'd need you to leave us,
He must have needed for you to touch,
The life of someone else,
I think you were an angel,
Sent to save us from hell.
I understand,
That you're in a much better place,
With angels, and music,
And God's saving grace.
I don't deserve to live,
I should've been the one to die,
So that you would still be here,
And you could still smile.
You won't go to semi,
Grad, or the prom,
You'll never get married,
Never be a mom.
I wish it'd been me so badly,
Not you,
Maybe you'd have handled my death,
Better than I did for you.
I wish I could've been,
Someone to relie on.
I wish I'd been,
A shoulder to cry on.
Why should I get to enjoy,
What you never will?
Cancer is our ennemy,
It's what I want to kill.
The day that I was told,
That you were seen in me,
I wanted so badly to cry,
Fore those are words I don't deserve.
I guess what I want to say,
Is, "I miss you so, so much",
Your body may be gone,
But your love, and spirt will live on.
Please set my spirit,
Free from your grasp,
Let the tears, flow from my eyes,
At long last.
I still wish it'd been me who suffered,
And not you,
But I understand now,
That it was meant to be this way,
So now befor I go,
I just have one more thing to say,
"Jillian, I love you."

January 5th, 2006 10:36pm
typed January 7th, 2006, 12:42am