Shop More Submit  Join Login

The Journal Portal

Tune into the voice of the community by checking out deviantART's Journal Portal. Join the conversation by browsing, adding faves, and leaving comments, or submit your own Journal to let your voice be heard.

Submit Journal

Community Mood

  • Love
  • Joy
  • Wow!
  • Affection
  • Adoration
  • Love 22755
  • Joy 18478
  • Wow! 4703
  • Affection 1752
  • Adoration 1069
61,253 Deviants Online
Target::iconaskthe-jew-hater: and :iconask---kyle:






Kenny:-smudging Butter in Kyle Hands-

Kyle:-is Alseep and Grab Kenny-

Kyle:.....!?!

(I Ship KylexKenny Like Fedex /brick'd)





Cartman:-is busy clean his face in bathroom-

Kenny:-shouts- Yay!

Cartman::?

Kenny:Aaaaah!



(Kenny Vision of Cartman Looks Like This! )


Cartman:Take That  You Ruffian
It’s been almost half a week since I’ve gotten any real sleep. I've tried just lying down, taking sleeping pills, drinking, eating too much...but nothing helps. There are no words to explain how surreal life can be. My friend passed away a week ago today, almost exactly to the hour.

When Emmy and I first met in person in 2008, after almost 3 years of being friends online, the first thing she did was come up to me, take my arm, put it around her, and take a picture of us. That was the kind of person she was.

I arrived in Chicago shortly after midnight on May 9, rented my car, and drove for three and a half hours north into Wisconsin. Two of my long-time friends who were also going to Emmy’s funeral were at a hotel close to where she lived just north of Madison. The roads were so quiet and peaceful, like time stood still; only the occasional gas station sign and oncoming truck. I had never been to this state before. My first impression was one of serenity.

I finally arrived at the hotel at close to 4:00 in the morning and knocked on the door of the room Schan and Jason were waiting for me in. I immediately hugged Schan. He was Emmy’s boyfriend of almost 9 years. That was how long we all knew each other. We all met on a South Park message board. Even though we talked regularly and had met several times before, it had been too long since we met last.

Jason was in one of the beds, tired but awake, after flying into Wisconsin from his home in Alabama. I greeted him and we did our best to make amends with each other. For the last several years, there was hostility between us. I moved from California to Illinois to be with my girlfriend, who was also part of our group of friends. But shortly after, she left me for him. I hated him for it. But I was wrong to. Suddenly, the past didn’t matter anymore. We knew why we were here in Wisconsin, and any bitterness between us quickly died. I would learn just how quickly in the next 24 hours.

When 8:30 came around, we went downstairs and had breakfast before driving to Emmy’s house. Schan and his mom were in front of us, and I was driving with Jason next to me. We talked about life. Suddenly I knew we were close. Schan’s car turned onto a street and I immediately saw the name of it. Instantaneously, I remembered Emmy first giving me her address so we could send each other Christmas cards back in 2006. That was the name of the street. I felt a shiver down my back.

Her house was at the end of this very quiet little road, overlooking scenic fields and farms. I had never been here before. Never met her family. We got out and walked up the house, opening the door to the lower level. I remember taking a look around inside, taking in the scent of the room, and the sight of the wooden panels and furniture, thinking right then and there that this was what Emmy saw and experienced every day. We had been friends for almost a decade, but only now was I was suddenly seeing her life for the first time, while also knowing she wasn’t alive anymore. I almost broke down.

A dark golden retriever and a beige wolf-like dog greeted us as we walked upstairs to the upper level, where all the bedrooms, kitchen, living room, and bathroom were. Her mom, dad, stepdad, sister, and uncle greeted us right away with big hugs. They seemed overjoyed when they heard I flew in from California and Jason came from Alabama. They were such wonderful people. I sat down on the aged couch as some of them started talking. A small tortoiseshell cat named Punky approached me. Being the cat lover I am, I bent over and tried to kiss her head. I was expecting her to stay still or to try and sniff my face, but she rubbed her head into my face. Hard. And she kept doing it, over and over, brushing her skull against my nose and cheeks, briefly licking my face. I had never in my life met a cat so friendly. I had seen photos of Emmy with this kitty before. I felt like I was stuck in between a dream and a nightmare.

Emmy’s mom asked us if we wanted to see Emmy’s room and art room. She always did her art on a drawing table in a small room across the hallway from her bedroom. It was stocked with art supplies all over. I wasn’t surprised. I had seen a picture of this same room before on her DeviantArt account not long ago. I remember thinking how empty it felt with her not being there. But I imagined this feeling would be amplified when I saw her bedroom. And it was. I walked inside knowing this was where she spent so much time and where she slept every night.

Her room was organized and clean. Her bed and closet were full of stuffed animals she bought and received over the years. In the closet, I briefly saw the Goomba plush I gave to her when we met in 2008. She loved Goombas. My memory was fuzzy, but my other friends told me that when I gave it to her, she kissed me. I suddenly remembered again. I looked back at the bed.

A couple days earlier, another friend of ours, Rae, who was one of Emmy’s best friends, told me that the last text she got from Emmy before she passed away was “love the Kyle doll.” Rae wasn’t able to make it to the funeral, but she wanted to be there more than anything. Emmy was a huge fan of Stan, but she gave her beloved Stan doll to Rae not long before she passed away so Rae could take care of it. Rae gave Emmy her Kyle doll in exchange. She held onto it until she died. The doll was sitting there on the bed, in front of the stuffed animals. I cannot remember the last time I felt my guts sink to the ground so hard. Seeing it there, knowing she was gone, was the worst thing I’ve had to experience so far. Like seeing Kenny’s teddy bear still on his hospital bed after he died in the “Kenny Dies” episode. That feeling of utter hopelessness accompanying the death of somebody so young. She was only 24.


More than anything else in the world, I wanted to take the doll to give to Rae when I saw her next, whenever that may be. But out of respect, I left it there, taking a picture instead.

Before we knew it, we were headed to the funeral home. Schan, his mom, Jason, and I all piled into one car as we followed two other cars carrying Emmy’s parents, stepparents, and sister. I looked at the cars ahead of me, wondering how they were able to deal with this tragedy like they were. They were very strong.

When we arrived and walked inside, we realized we were among the first to get there. Emmy’s aunt was sobbing heavily. I hadn’t been to a funeral before, but I knew I was about to see a lot of sadness and mourning. I had to prepare myself for it, because I was as sad as they were. Everyone introduced themselves. I remember her aunt being so amazed and thankful that I would travel so far to be here. I’d hear that a lot for the rest of the day. I told her what I told everyone else who expressed gratitude: “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” I eventually introduced myself to more people than I could count, each one as friendly and kind as the last. To be loved, hugged, welcomed, and comforted so strongly by somebody you literally just met seemed so unreal.

We walked into the next room and hovered around a table with much of the art Emmy made. I knew she was artistic, but I was thoroughly amazed. Drawings, sketches, paintings, jewelry……she made everything, and she made everything well. She was so talented. We saw a scrapbook on the table and began flipping through the pages. There were photos of her with her friends and family. I’d known Emmy for a long time and met her before, but I always thought the physical distance between us made me somewhat less of a friend. Then I turned to the next page and found several photos of her and me. I stared at them forever. I had to quickly turn my head away because I didn’t want the tears running down my face to stain the pages.

Schan was already sobbing. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what he was going through. He’s been nothing but the best friend to me. He always helped me in my times of need. But I felt helpless. What do you say to someone when they lose their girlfriend to cancer to make them feel better? He kept saying how he should have been a better boyfriend. He was always hard on himself. I told him that he was the best boyfriend Emmy could ask for. I knew he was, and Emmy knew it too. I said, “If she didn’t think you were the best boyfriend out there, she wouldn’t have stayed with you. She was very independent and did what she wanted, but she wanted to be with you. She loved you and always talked about you.” I picked up the scrapbook and flipped to the last page. It was a picture of Emmy and Schan, on pink construction paper with a bunch of hearts and the word “love” scrawled in big letters above. The next several minutes were little more than the three of us passing each other tissues, wiping each other’s faces, and hugging.

The funeral director informed us we could now go see the casket. I had to brace myself. We walked in and saw her body. She was wearing a beautiful handmade beanie made of red yarn. Something told me she made it herself, but I never found out. She was dressed casually, but classy, with a golden watch around her wrist. I tried to keep myself composed as I looked at her face. Her lips were thin, and her eyes were closed gently. Her glasses weren’t on. Her skin was pale and discolored from having no more blood. The cancer had always made her skin look a little different, too. But she was so beautiful. She always was. With or without makeup, she was just stunning. I was jealous of Schan. But he was next to me, crying harder than I thought anyone could, though not making a sound. I did my best to comfort him as well as I could with three other people trying to do the same thing. But he had to let it out somehow. Jason was visibly upset, too. We passed each other more tissues, but my eyes were always watery. I had seen bodies of deceased people before, but never one of a friend. A friend who was younger than me. A friend I hadn’t seen in a long time, but whose face made it seem like yesterday.

Schan looked at her body and told me that he was going to marry her. I knew he loved her to death and she loved him just the same, but that was news to me. I thought I felt hopeless before, but this took it to a whole new level. I don’t even remember how I responded. Nothing I could have said would have made him feel better. I wanted more than anything to comfort him, but I didn’t know how. Those words hit my head like a brick.

We took a seat in the viewing room and before we knew it, there were about over a hundred people around us sitting down and waiting for the service to begin. Schan sat in the front-most pew next to Emmy’s family while Jason and I sat on a couch off to the side. I remember telling Jason how much I felt like shit, because Emmy had so, so many people who loved and cared about her, who all made it to her funeral, and that I felt envious, knowing that when I die, I will hardly have anyone. That if I died tomorrow, my friends online wouldn’t know, because my family isn’t in touch with them. Even my family and local friends would take a while to find out, because I don’t have 100% daily communication with anyone. The only people who I ever talked to every single day of my life when I knew them were my girlfriends.

I felt selfish. It was her fucking funeral. But I knew that she had so many people because she deserved it. She loved everyone, and everyone loved her. I definitely can’t say the same about myself. I was already destroyed from losing my friend and seeing her body, and now I was helplessly turning the situation into a bout with self-pity, wishing I were dead instead.

The casket was now closed. One of Emmy’s uncles delivered the eulogy in front of everyone. He led a few prayers. I didn’t know whether or not I was the only atheist in the room, but I didn’t care. I lowered my head out of respect. He went on to explain that God works in mysterious ways, that life is a gift, and as such, it can be justifiably taken at any time, because people are natural-born sinners. I remember hearing these words and shaking violently with rage. For someone…anyone…especially a loved one, to say that Emmy’s death was in any way acceptable literally made me sick. How could she have deserved this? She never, ever in her life hurt a single person. Jason sensed my shaking and put his hand on my shoulder trying to calm me down. He did. I knew for a fact that most of Emmy’s family was not very religious. Emmy was a Christian, but she was never devoutly religious herself. I didn’t care what she was. I don’t like to judge. I loved her just the same. Maybe it’s because I don’t understand the concept of sin. Maybe that’s why it upset me so much. I don’t believe in “natural sin.” I believe in right and wrong. There’s a difference. And Emmy never did anything wrong. I don’t have to be a Christian to see that. I feel people don’t understand me because of it.

Her uncle had frightened me. But I know he had good intentions. He’s a pastor, after all. Shortly after, Emmy’s mom came to the podium and told us a little about Emmy’s life. She mentioned one time when Emmy was 12, around the time or right after she was first diagnosed with leukemia, the family went to Six Flags Great America, a theme park in Chicago. There, Emmy decided to go into the park’s recording studio so she could sing one of her favorite songs. It was “Cowboy Take Me Away” by the Dixie Chicks. Her mom said, tearfully, that Emmy came out of the recording studio upset, thinking she didn’t do a good job singing. Then the song played. We were hearing her singing when she was twelve years old. Suddenly, I was in a room with over 100 people crying as hard as I was. I kept looking at her mom and dad, and Schan sitting next to them. I didn’t think I would ever see something this emotional. I remember seeing Jason almost unable to control himself next to me. I put my hand on his back as my face started to leak.

Her singing was flawless. I did not hear any mistakes, stuttering, or any off-key notes. She was so talented.

The director instructed everyone in the room to proceed to their vehicles to follow the hearse to the cemetery, and to turn on their headlights and hazard flashers, which is customary for funeral vehicle processions. Jason, Schan, myself, Emmy’s parents, and some of Emmy’s closest relatives stayed in the viewing room. Her mom then asked Jason and I if we wanted to be pallbearers. I can’t even begin to say how amazingly honored I was. Out of more than a hundred people, many of whom she was extremely close to, I would be one of only six people to carry her casket to the hearse and to her grave.

The casket was wheeled out into the room on a cart, where the six of us kept one hand each on top of it as it was rolled out toward the hearse. I was in the very front on the left side. I know some people took photos during that time, but I don’t have any of them. More than anything, I wish I did. So badly.

When we got to the hearse, we grabbed the casket by the handle rods on the sides and lifted it into the back. It was so heavy. Reality still hadn’t settled in. The journey to the cemetery seemed like an eternity.

When we arrived, we removed the casket from the back of the hearse. For some reason, it felt so much heavier this time. We carried it to the makeshift tent where there were chairs set up for the immediate family and set it down onto the rolling platform. The funeral director took several roses from the flower displays set up near the casket and began handing them out to people to place on top for a final good-bye. Once Emmy’s immediate family had done so, Schan, Jason and I were each given a rose and followed suit. They were sobbing pretty hard, but so was I. I placed the rose on top of the casket and touched the top with my hand, and I remember saying quietly “Goodbye, Emmy. You were the most amazing friend. I love you.” It took me a while to find the energy to take my hand off the casket, knowing it would be the last time I had any sort of contact with her. I walked away from the casket slowly until only one finger was on it. I kept it there for just a few more seconds before letting go. I’d have kept it there longer, but Schan and Jason were waiting for me.

We went into the church to eat. The food was very good, and the cake was really beautiful. I stared at it for a while. I couldn’t bring myself to consume it. The symbolism behind it was too much for me. 


I people-watched as I ate, trying to take in the moment. I cleared my plate and tossed it in the trash before returning to the table to talk to her family and friends some more. After a while, something hit me. I don’t know what it was, but its biggest enemy was reality.

I stood up and walked outside, heading toward the grave. The tent, chairs, and platform were gone. All that was left was a big mound of dirt, where the casket was now buried, and the flower displays. Nobody else was outside. I kept walking, trying to think about what I was going to do when I got up to it. Suddenly I heard footsteps behind me. I knew it was Schan and Jason following me, but I never looked behind me. I reached Emmy’s grave and sat down next to it, just staring, trying to make sense of everything. It felt like forever. I remember clenching my fists so hard, my fingernails dug into my skin. I got up and looked around for a flower…one that wasn’t on someone else’s grave. All I could find was a small yellow dandelion flower. I picked it up and put it on top of her grave, along with a red carnation that had fallen from the display. I took a photo with my phone, knowing I would never want this moment to fade.

I turned around and hugged my two friends. Nothing before seemed so unreal. We began walking back to the church, but I lagged behind. They kept walking, but I turned around. I didn’t feel like I was done yet. And I guess I really, really wasn’t. I remember collapsing next to the grave and crying harder than I ever have in my life. Ever. More than I did when my grandma died. More than I did when I went through my first and second break-up. More than ever. So fuckin’ hard that I lost my breath. I swore I felt my heart stop, and it seemed like forever until I could feel it beat again. I’m always quiet when I cry. But I wasn’t this time. I was very, very loud. I probably sounded like an animal. I didn’t see Schan or Jason near me. I felt somewhat relieved. I didn’t want anyone to see or hear me like that. 

But as I got up and stumbled back toward the church, they were walking toward me and helped me stand up. I don’t think I ever needed anyone more than I needed someone then. And they were there. I took my insulin out of my pocket and threw it onto the lawn. I didn’t give a fuck anymore. It should have been me underground. Emmy did nothing to deserve this. I would have died 7 years ago if it weren’t for a brief stroke of luck. If it’s even considered “luck” at this point.

Hours later, we’re back at Emmy’s house, with her family and pets surrounding the living room. Emmy’s mom grabs some beers for everyone and makes some drinks and food. I needed it at that point. We all talked. For a very long time. Word gets out that I can do a good Russian accent, so they ask me to do it. I do my best Russian accent and make everyone laugh pretty hard. It made me feel much better, that I could bring laughter to her family in a time like this. Punky was sitting on my lap, alternating between me, Schan, and Jason. Emmy’s mom tells me that cat really loves men for some reason. But it stayed with Schan the most. I already knew, almost for a fact, that cats can tell when somebody is feeling depressed. This was all the proof I needed.

The time came for me to leave. I had a flight at 5:00 in the morning and needed several hours to drive back to Chicago, drop off my rental car, catch the shuttle to the terminal, and proceed through the security checkpoints. Everyone there gave me hugs, telling me how grateful they were that I could make it and that I traveled so far. I told them I was equally, if not more grateful for their hospitality and generosity, and especially for their allowing, wanting, and trusting me to carry Emmy’s casket. Because before that day, they had never even met me. 

Some of them have since added me on Facebook. They want me to come back and visit some day. I know I will. I really want to. It’s an honor. They turned my first visit to Wisconsin into the most unforgettable event of my life thus far.

Emmy, you were an amazing friend, a caring soul, and an all-around wonderful person. Never once bothered by your misfortunes, and always lifting people up. I miss you. I love you. And more than anything, I just want you to be back here with us.



Emmy: :icongumbah:
Schan: :iconschantrac:

Jason: :iconbaddramaturge:
Rae: :iconracheyrae:

This is for you guys.

I cannot possibly express how grateful I am to know so many wonderful people on here, who have been incredibly kind, caring, understanding, and supportive to me, especially during these past several weeks. Thank you very much to everyone. Even if I don’t always respond or acknowledge you right away, I know who you all are, I remember your names, and I’ll always keep in mind the nice things you all have done.

So I also want to take this opportunity to explain to you all that I, personally, am loyal to a fault. This has led me in the past, and will lead me in the future, to be highly outspoken and even controversial toward those who fuck around with people I’m close to, whether online or offline.

So, having put all that out there, I’d like to personally take this moment to publicly ridicule this guy:
:iconinfoteddy:.

I’ve never in my life met someone with a fuse so incredibly short as yours. Never did I think I’d see somebody who says “fuck you” to everyone who thanks them for something. I’m not going to go to your profile to thank you for favoriting my work. Rather, I’m going to tell you right here, on mine, to stop favoriting MY work altogether. I do not want assholes like you, in any way, associating with me or my art.

Let me tell you, kid, you are a special case. Your idea of “spam” lacks consistency with everyone else’s definition. Surely if you thought people thanking you for favoriting their work was so incredibly obnoxious, you’d refrain from adding their work to your favorites in the first place. Instead, you keep doing so, practically looking for trouble like a playground bully who feels the need to take out your anger on others to compensate for your quarter-inch dick.

I also find it highly ironic that you flame others for using emoticons or having anything less than 100% proper grammar, and yet you use slashes and backslashes in place of “I”s and “L”s seemingly randomly throughout your anger-filled notices. That’s ten times more obnoxious than anything else you’re throwing stones at people for. Also ironic is the fact that your heinous comments toward others make your profile look ten times more “spammy” than it would if you just made polite statements and responses.

For one, look at your brief conversation with :icontoxicity260:. Talk about a quick 180. Even a politician couldn’t pull one like that. Hell, someone else thanked you for joining a group and you were perfectly okay with it, because apparently it’s that much different from thanking you for favoriting someone else’s art! How the fuck does that work?

I would normally assume you’re just a pathetic troll, but the truth is, there really are people as daft as you in this world.

And what kills me the most, is that two of my amazing grandparents, one of my uncles, one of my aunts, and two of my wonderful, caring, compassionate, and loving friends, plus one that passed away years ago, are dead. And people like you are still alive.

I’m personally astonished nobody else has ever said this to you, but I suppose it’s from the lack of opportunity since you block them faster than my neighbor can wolf down a burrito. So, I’ll take this chance to say it to you instead.

Go fuck yourself, Teddy-boy.

At the risk of sounding like a total asshole to some people, there’s some shit I need to address.

I love that some people, for one reason or another, like my work. I’m honored and grateful. However, I really don’t appreciate when people stumble upon my work for the first time, click on my profile, and head straight to the comments so they can ask me if I can make something for them.

I have icons that show if requests, trades, or commissions are open and/or whether or not I do them in the first place. Lots of people do. They don’t change often, but sometimes they do. If someone doesn’t take half a minute to read my profile and look at these icons or read my very brief sentences, then I’m not going to take half a minute to respond to them. It’s disrespectful. In addition, I’m a little irked at how people are under the impression that making a request for them is no big deal. I don’t think people understand how long it takes and how much work it is to make a picture for someone, even with backgrounds and characters I’ve already used before. I’m not at all keen on the idea of spending hours in front of my computer making something for someone when they don’t give me anything back. This is why I don’t do requests, so please stop being upset over it if you are.

There’s also a damn good reason I only do trades with friends. Friends are not the same thing as watchers. Friends are people I know well enough on here; people who have conversed with me at least once or made something for me or leave comments on and favorite my work here and there, especially those who have helped me these past few months. A friend is not someone off the streets of DeviantArt who clicks the “watch” button and gives me a compliment. I do trades with friends only because I want to do this kind of work for people who I feel deserve it. So far, my problem is that I have done trades in the past for people who meet any one of two criteria:


1) I spend hours making my part of the trade, and they make something for me that looks like it took about 5 minutes

or

2) They have me make something for them and they never make anything back for me in return. (For example, :iconapplesjacks:. [And if you’re reading this, please don’t bother with your end of the trade. It would be half a year overdue now and it ain’t worth waiting for. No offense. And by the way, when you added the picture I made for you to your profile, not only did you never make anything back, but you never even credited me. That’s why I removed it from my gallery.])

I’m aware some people here are quite literally HALF my age, but I still knew better when I was that young.

Now, to address my first point, I know not everyone makes the same kind of art or has as much experience working with their medium of choice, but I can tell when you put effort into something. Addressing my second point, I also know that my friends on here, or at least the people whose usernames I can memorize, won’t give me the shaft and not complete their part of the trade. I’m not asking you to spend a couple hours making something like I did, but at least give it an effort.

And although this has only happened a couple times – neither of them recently –  I’m also fed up with people who ask for a request, trade, or commission, and then tell me I did something wrong because they didn’t give me enough fuckin’ details. I cannot read minds. The more details people give me, the better and happier you’ll be. It makes no sense that someone would ask me to draw two characters holding hands and then be upset that they’re not also kissing. It also doesn’t help if your English is bad. I know not everyone speaks English, but use a translator for fuck’s sake. Google has an instantaneous translator for FREE that I can understand perfectly well no matter how much it butchers English syntax. 

Now, my last point, and kudos to you if you’re still reading this. I do not do gifts, unless you’re a very good friend on here. I hate to sound rude, but I don’t care when your birthday is. Happy birthday. I have almost 500 watchers. That means at least one watcher could have a birthday every day of the year (if some people didn’t have like five fuckin’ accounts. Seriously). I don’t ask people to make me things for my birthday, especially if I hardly know who they are. And if I’m honest, I try to discourage people from making gifts for me in the first place, because my birthday does not make me happy like it does for most people. For me, it’s just another day without celebration, another day closer to my death.

I try to be a nice person, but people have their limits. I know when I’m being taken advantage of, whether the perpetrator does or not, and with a lot of other shit going on in life, I really don’t need it. There’s plenty going on I haven’t told anyone here, you know. I just feel I’ve done more than my fair share of ranting. I'm not telling everyone this to be rude. I'm trying to point out when other people are being rude because they apparently don't even know it.
I want to thank everyone again for all the comments, notes, and especially the pictures. I try and reply to as many as I can, but I never overlook anything and I always remember your names and the nice things you've done.

I know everything is done with the best possible intent, but I'd like to ask people to please not send me that "Happy" song by Pharrell Williams or whatever his name is. This has happened twice now. It doesn't make me happy. The first time I heard it, I was driving the car I rented in Chicago up to Madison to go to Emmy's funeral. It was pitch black outside in the dead of night at 2 in the morning, and I was already upset. It made me wish I was happier.

I'm still on vacation in Wyoming, and it's very beautiful here. It's helped take my mind off of things a bit, but not completely, and it'll be that much worse when I return home. I return home tomorrow night and have a lot to catch up on. Emmy's boyfriend, Schan, if you remember from my earlier journal entry, came to visit several days ago before I went on vacation. We got drunk to try and cheer ourselves up. But I made it worse. I lost my insulin, my car keys, my credit card, and about $85 in cash, and have had no luck finding them. I've never been that drunk before. It's been bugging me for my whole vacation. I have some sorting out to do when I get home. I also have a project I'm trying to finish. I will try to make something for you all again very soon. I know you're getting impatient. I just don't have any ideas lately. At this point I'm open to ideas from others. It's just hard to move on. From my friend passing away, from my uncertain academic future, my failing health, and my not having that special someone in my life. The latter is the worst of them all. Seeing other couples, kissing, hugging, holding hands, having kids...

Despite everything else, I feel that being single and alone is what's doing me in the most. I don't believe in the phrase "good things come to those who wait." I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't have that special person I can share anything with, who I can share my life with. I want it more than the people who have it. And yet I can't help but feel I deserve what I have now; nothing.
27 years ago on this day at 6:50 PM, at a now-demolished 7-story hospital at 900 Kiely Boulevard in Santa Clara, California, the world's biggest mistake came into existence.

Me.

Thank you very much, everyone, for the birthday wishes and deviations, if you made them. I really appreciate it endlessly and it's a pleasure to know everyone on here.

356 pageviews? Why can't I get that many every day...
Thank you, everyone who has given me comments, notes, drawings, videos, etc. I appreciate it all to no end, especially lately. I want to respond to everyone individually, but sometimes somebody says or makes something for me that impacts me so much that I can't find the right words. Always in a good way, though. It may not seem like it, but I always read comments and view art people send me, and just because I don't respond directly doesn't mean I don't see it or don't appreciate it.

I have not been any better off. I still miss Emily and I'm still as devastated as I was when I was at her funeral. I was hoping Schan's mom would send me the pictures she took of all of us at the funeral, carrying Emily's casket, but I'm not in touch with her. Schan said he was going to visit me from Tuesday though Saturday, but he may not be able to due to cost. It sucks so much. I was really looking forward to seeing him more than anything. I can't explain in words how much I need his company right now. I can only imagine what he's been going through with the loss of Emily. She and him have been almost all I can think about anymore.

I'm concerned with my grades in college. It's the source of so much of my stress. I have two final exams coming up in a couple days, and I don't think I can do well on either of them. I know I can't. My grades will be negatively affected, and my GPA will drop. This reduces my chances of going to a good university to get my business degree. Since Emily passed away, I haven't been able to study or practice, no matter how hard I try, and I've bombed two quizzes and a test in my calculus class. If I don't pass this class, I have to wait a whole 'nother year to even transfer to a university. I can't afford that. I need to finish school as soon as possible. I would have graduated years ago, but life got in the way, and now I'm behind...stuck in an expensive city with a terrible job, mounting debt, a useless degree, no future...nothing. Not even a girlfriend.

Recent travel costs have also added stress to my budget, which is already far in the negative due to medical expenses, school fees, and living costs. My debt is now going to take forever to pay off. I can't leave California until I pay it off and save up enough money to move.

I had just visited my aunt at her ranch house for what I know will be the last time. She and my uncle moved to California in 1959 and lived in that house since 1978. But my uncle passed away in 2008, and my aunt is now 84 and can't maintain the ranch on her own anymore, so she's selling it and moving into a retirement home. It's hard for me to grasp the reality of it. It's because of that house that my dad moved to America, and ultimately and met my mom, because he had a place to stay here. It's because of that house that I even exist. Hell, my dad built the garage with his bare hands in 1980. That house was such a massive part of my childhood. I went there so many times when I was younger, even though it was in the middle of nowhere and hours from where we lived. I always loved going to feed the chickens and collect their eggs for breakfast, petting the pigs and feeding the cows and cats, fishing with my dad and younger brother in the nearby lake in the dinky aluminum rowboat. You can even see the boat next to the lake on Google Maps at the south end of the lake. My whole life, everything was always the same there. Nothing changed. The pictures, furniture, appliances, floors...everything stayed exactly the same, in the same places. I knew it couldn't last forever, but now it's all gone. and all I have to remember it by are these photos.

www.zillow.com/homedetails/374…

Then I found out today that both my grandma's cat and my cousin's cat have died, just days apart. I loved both of them to death. Every time I drove to see either my cousins or my grandma, their kitties would come up and greet me, letting me pick them up and hold them. Cats have always been therapeutic to me. It just feels surreal.

Last December, my mom caught a rare form of pneumonia and almost died from it. She was in the hospital for over a week and a half, through Christmas. Ever since she's gotten better, she's been having these nasty phlegmy coughs. Today she told me that her doctor said these coughs are the result of damage done by the pneumonia, and that she will have them for the rest of her life. Now I'm worried her lungs will ultimately be even further damaged. Excessive coughing also takes its toll on brain cells and triggers more headaches. Maybe she'll be fine...I don't know. I live on my own, pay my own bills, and do everything myself, but I can't imagine what I'd do without my mom. She's so much to me, more than any other person in my life.

I just needed to rant. I apologize. I know this is not why people on here watch me. I know people don't really care. But it's 1:00 AM, I still can't sleep, and I have nobody else right now. Everyone's asleep.

Thanks again, everyone who bothers to read this. You people are a surprisingly supportive, caring, and generous group, especially since only two or three people here on dA know me very well at all. I really want to be able to get back into the spirit of making South Park pictures again, but I've lost my creativity and innovation lately. All I've been able to churn out are horrible, depressing pictures because I didn't know how to express myself. Now I can't even do that. All the things I love are being taken away. I don't know what to make of my life anymore. Sometimes I have to ask myself if it's worth living.
  • Mood: Miserable
I've always told people that life, by itself, has no meaning. In fact, nothing has meaning at all...until you give it meaning. And everyone has different meanings for everything.

If you go out and buy a brand new car, you give it meaning by understanding how good it looks, how fun it is to drive, how much money it will save you in gas, how many people it will impress, and so on. But to other people, your car means practically nothing. It has no meaning to them.

I work a very slow job with very few hours and it doesn't pay my bills. I don't have college classes for a whole 'nother year because of my unusual transfer situation. I want to finish and get my second degree faster than I possibly can, because I'm stuck at home all the time with almost nothing to do other than eat, sleep, use the computer, and play GTA 5 on my PS3. I can't go out and hang out with friends because they're either busy or I can't afford it. I spend so long slouched in front of the computer, waiting to hear from someone on Skype or Facebook to talk to me, waiting for one of my friends to hang out with me...waiting for something to happen, like I'm stuck in a perpetual loop...while everyone else my age is done with college and/or working a great job and living their life the way they want to. If they don't have all the above, they at least have one if them.

And this is why my life has no meaning. Because even though it's my own life, I can't control anything in it anymore. And it's hardly a "life" to begin with. Definitely not a life worth living. All the things I want in life are unattainable or too far away from me. I can see more of my own life than anyone else and I still see no meaning. I have no purpose. At all. It's turning me bitter and cold.
I wish I could explain how hard it's been to try to sleep lately. I thought it was bad last several weeks ago, but I never braced myself for this. Honestly, I wish I could just stop writing journal entries. It's not at all like me. I'm usually very reserved with my feelings and emotions, and almost never express myself directly with words. But I feel the people I'm close to (offline, anyway) still, for some reason, don't know me well enough for me to justify saying anything that's on my mind which is bothering me. I can't explain it. It's not that I think they wouldn't care. I know they would. I guess it's just never really an appropriate circumstance in their presence. But my lack of sleep and subsequent availability of my open mind has caused me to highly reflect on the things that have been bothering me (or more appropriately, pissing me the fuck off).

For almost my entire life, practically since the first day of first grade, I was made to feel that I’d never accomplish the same things other people would, or that I wouldn’t accomplish them by the same age range. “Normal people”, if that’s what you want to call them. I know as well as anyone else that there’s no such thing as a “normal” person, but I’m sure you can understand where I’m going with this.  

The people who made me feel this way were never my family, my friends, or my teachers. They were always very supportive (except my high school algebra teacher. Fuckin’ bitch). It was the people I went to school with, up until my last year of high school. I was always “different” than them. And while it upset me, for the most part, I never really ever thought about it or gave it much consideration. Because there were plenty of times where I felt I was smarter or somehow better than they were. In third grade, the teacher liked my handwriting on one of my worksheets so much, she made copies of it for everyone, handed them out, and told all my classmates to copy the paper and start writing exactly like I did. She told me my writing looked like a machine did it. In fifth grade, our teacher said he’d throw a pizza party if one of us could name one country that begins with each letter of the alphabet (except for ‘X’, of course). I was the only one who could do it, without even looking at a map, no less. My classmates sure loved me then. For once. In seventh grade, I placed 10th in a statewide geography bee. I always got good grades, always had better spelling and grammar, and always had more general knowledge of the world. Because I was curious. 

But I never, at any point, felt that’s what I wanted. More than anything, I wanted to desperately to be like everyone else. Socially. I had friends in elementary, middle, and high school, but not many. I wasn’t the one who was always going to friends’ houses, parties, sleepovers, etc. They happened every once in a while, but I knew I was an outcast. This lasted until about 5 years ago. Now, my social life is the best it’s ever been. I have more friends than I can count, and they’re not the socially-awkward kind of people I always thought I was. Sometimes I’m so busy hanging out with friends, I barely have time for anything else in my spare time.

So I should be happy, shouldn’t I? But I’m not. I can’t bring myself to be. Not because I’m dissatisfied or ungrateful for what I have now, but because I didn’t have it sooner. I may have come a long way, but I can’t turn a clock backwards. All I can tell myself now is how many missed opportunities I’ve had. I still look back and tell myself things should have been quite different. You’re only young once. People tell me I’m young now, and maybe I am, but not as much as I’d like to be. I’ve known for seven and a half years now that I’m not going to live very long.

I wanted my high school years to be more memorable. I wanted to have the kind of social life, sex life, attitude, and determination that high schoolers in modern society have. But I didn’t have any of that. Just about the only thing I had in common with a typical high school student was the fact that I got my driver’s license and my first car during my junior year. I don’t take that for granted, but it didn’t mean the same thing for me as it did for everyone else. To everyone else, I was still one of those “awkward people”, just because I didn’t socialize much. Because even though I’m not at all mentally or physically disabled or “different,” people still found something about me to poke fun at. Because for some reason, whatever it is, I was not like them.

I’m now 26.

I’ve only had two girlfriends. Some would consider this “average” or “sufficient” for someone my age. Whether or not it is, it sure isn’t where I’m from. And it only makes me feel worse about myself. Some guys can meet girls with the snap of a finger. I’ve always struggled with it. I don’t know why. I always knew I had something to offer, but apparently women don’t seem to think so.

I’m still in college. Now, I know a few people who didn’t finish college until they were in their 30s (including my mom). Even some of my friends, both my age and older, are still in college. But I don’t want to be in this position. It’s discouraging and upsetting seeing someone many years younger than me graduate with a great degree and making more money per hour than I’ll ever see in a week in the near future.

I’m still single. Again, I know many people my age and older are as well, but I don’t want to be one of them. More than anything else in the entire fuckin’ world…what I absolutely HATE more than ANYTHING, is that there are rude, incompetent, unintelligent, abusive, dishonest, disloyal, and overall shitty people out there who still have someone who loves them. They have someone, and they either don’t deserve it, or didn’t work to get it. It’s just how things “happened” for them. Because apparently they can do something right that I can’t. This is what I cannot get over.

Many of the people I know from as far back as first grade now have at least one child. Not only does this make me feel ancient and unaccomplished, but because of how I felt about myself and how people treated me through much of my childhood and school life, I always felt like I had to prove myself to them. To the “normal people.” But how can I do that? I still don’t have what they do. It’s like living the nightmare all over again. Like everything they’ve done and said to me is still true today, 20 years later.

And I don’t have all the time in the world. Even if I were to meet someone special tomorrow, how can I be optimistic? It takes a very long time to form a relationship that’s fitting and committed enough to have children together. I’ll be ancient by that time. The people I know who are having kids today have been together for several years now. Even if I did meet someone tomorrow, how can I be sure they’d be willing to move out of California with me? I can’t stay here forever, even when I do get my degree. It’s just too hard to stay afloat here. But so many people want to stay. Then there goes that! Do I put off trying to find that special someone for a few whole years, or do I start looking now and risk losing it all a few years down the road?

Some guys get it all because they know what to say or do. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to say, or even imply, to a female, “Hey, I really like you a lot!” or “Would you like to go [somewhere on a date]?” They hear that shit all the time. For most of them, they probably think guys just say that to get into their pants for a night before calling it quits. I’m not like that. Don’t get me wrong…I love sex (even though it’s been months since I’ve had it)…but I want there to be a connection. Most guys don’t care. Maybe I’m afraid of rejection…or maybe I just don’t want to be grouped with other men who would willingly fuck anything that walks on two legs. I probably wouldn’t have anything to worry about if men weren’t so fuckin’ sexual all the time. But that’s how we’re biologically-programmed. Whatever. The fact is that women my age, younger, and older, have men crawling up to them all the time. They can pick, select, or choose whoever they want. But males…they have to do the flirting. The courting. The wooing. And because I’m apparently not good at that, I’m forced to miss out. What. The. Fuck. Ever.

I look at my life now, knowing I’m more accomplished than many people my age, but I can’t see those people. I don’t know who they are. I just know they exist somewhere. But regardless, I’m not as happy as I should be. I feel like my life is an endless loop that goes nowhere. My college classes don’t continue until late August. I work two dead-end jobs that only pay my bills and don’t give me much extra, while more than half the people my age I know make good enough money to support them for the rest of their life. They have valuable skills that will benefit them in their future. I don’t have that. I don’t have any valuable skills. I spend a considerable amount of my free time on my computer making dumb pictures that require very little talent. I have people tell me my work is amazing. They don’t know how little effort it takes. I don’t even have my own unique art style. I really want to ask myself how much longer I can keep doing this. 

Whatever I’ve done, I’ve worked hard at. And yet, I have nothing to show for it but two failed relationships, a busted ego, a small apartment and a couple ancient cars nobody but me cares about. I have the most amazing family, but I didn’t work to have them. They worked to have me. And I know I just let them down.

I never felt like I fit into society when I was younger. Now that I feel I do, more than I used to, I’m just beating myself up for not fitting in sooner, or better. And even then, I’m just looking at what other people my age have that I don’t have. A good job. A lover. A child. A future. I’m eternally grateful for what I do have, but I still feel lacking. All the things I have now, in my mid-20s, I should have had 10 years ago if I wanted to make something of myself and feel better about who I am. 

But I know that not everyone, even if they’re older than me, has what I have now. And that makes me a shitty person. That’s the worst part about all this. I never believed in personal pride, because I never thought I had a reason to justify having it, myself. I live in a society, and a country, where I’m made to feel like shit for not having the things I have now, earlier in life. Our very own culture is telling me that my golden years have been wasted.

I don’t want sympathy. I just want to relate.

I don't do journals. Nobody reads them, and nobody would read mine. People only really come to my profile to see if I'm open to doing yet another picture to ship their OC with someone else. That's all I am good for apparently.

But I have no place to go. No place to rant. All I feel is empty. There are so many problems and issues I'm facing right now. I was trying to overcome them, until yesterday. Now I feel like my problems aren't even worth fixing. I can't focus on them. I've tried to and I've given up since it happened.

I was browsing through my phone shortly after I got the news. I stumbled upon an old text conversation Emmy and I had a couple weeks ago. I texted her when she said on Facebook that she got bad news.



It was the last thing she ever said to me. I didn't know how to react. She made me smile when she said that. She always was a fighter. But it took her away. I remain conflicted on whether to delete it or keep it. It's too hard to look at.

I had dinner and returned home to finish some calculus homework. Emmy's boyfriend and I are close. He said he may call me. I was hoping he would. He's been nothing but the best friend. If only he didn't live far away, I could see him as often as I saw all my local friends. It always tore me up. But he ended up not calling. I don't blame him.

I was about to drift off to sleep when a friend I usually give rides to and from work to had texted me asking if I wanted to play "Words With Friends," a smartphone crossword game similar to Scrabble. I hadn't played anyone in almost a year, so I agreed. I needed something to take my mind off everything. It had been to long since I last played it that I re-downloaded it to my phone. I waited for it to open. I knew usually when I opened the game, it would randomly select a friend from my Facebook contacts list and ask if I wanted to play a game against them. I really wasn't prepared for what it showed me.



I must have sat there for 15 minutes, just staring at my phone screen. Suddenly everything wrong with me, with life, was at the forefront of my mind again. I haven't even gotten proper sleep in weeks, and I've gotten no sleep at all in the last 2 days. I don't know where to go from here.
  • Listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPcuTJi59nA