I finally realized that my traumatic past has been catching up to me. My unresolved fears and pain of abandonment as a child by my parents has seeped into my adult life. It triggers extreme reactions in me that drives people close to me away.
I like to pretend to be strong. That whatever comes at me in life, I'll just pull myself up again and get over it. I'd like to believe that what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I'd like to pretend that if I somehow draw out pain, and put it on canvas, that the pain will be contained on canvas, and not deep inside me. But that's not true.
When I'm knocked down and broken, and left to pick up the pieces of myself, I lose a bit more of myself each time. Not everything can be glued back together again. And never stronger than before. I can't trust again. I'm afraid of people. I'm afraid of being close to anyone.
It's hard to get up each morning. I feel hopeless and helpless. It doesn't matter that everyone tells me otherwise. I don't feel that way. My friends reach out to me, but I don't want to see them or talk to them and I don't even know why. It hurts to see their kindness go to waste on me.
I feel lost and confused. No matter how hard I try, I keep getting knocked down again. The simple answer is to just get back up, but I can't just get back up indefinitely. I'm not that strong and the burden of being that strong shouldn't be put upon me.
I need time to heal. I need time to go back and face my unresolved past. I'm going to see a therapist. I need help because I can't help myself any longer.
I don't know when I'll post again. I started drawing Fisheye Placebo but I can't keep going right now. I used to say that "no matter what, the sun will shine, and there will always be a brighter tomorrow." But I don't believe that anymore, I don't believe in myself anymore.
I'm sorry I'm always letting everyone down. I'm sorry.