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71,135 Deviants Online
I’m gonna be radical here and say that Gamer Gate isn’t actually a “movement.” After all, there is no central leader or structure that defines GamerGate. People who criticize the motives of one Gamer Gate person often find that that person has different views and goals from OTHER Gamer Gate people. So Gamer Gate can literally mean anyone... and no one. It’s a nebulous mist. A swarm of bees with no central queen. An army without a general. And as such that makes it VERY hard to criticize OR legitimize pro-GG people. Gamer Gate is literally just a hashtag. But HOW that hashtag is being used is interesting.

It’s not about women... except when it is!
Do you know what astroturfing is? Link:…
Astroturfing is creating a campaign designed to look like a grass-roots movement for progress, while concealing it’s more sinister (cynical) origins or goals. So many pro-GamerGate people SAY they are all about “journalistic ethics,” but the overwhelming amount of women being silenced, doxxed, harassed, bullied, threatened, and attacked would seem to suggest otherwise.

Here’s the thing... many of the people who are FOR journalistic integrity and ethics are the ones themselves being harassed BY pro-GamerGate supporters. Jim Sterling, for example, worked very hard to reorganize The Escapist’s journalism ethics policy when GG first started becoming a thing. Now? He’s viewed as an anti-GG social justice warrior (SJW for short). Likewise, many of the people being ATTACKED for “ethics” are not people even associated WITH gaming journalism.

Overwhelmingly the people being singled out and attacked are women. Zoe Quinn, Briana Wu, Anita Sarkeesian, and now Felicia Day. While there are men being attacked and harassed as well, the extent of their harassment is in no way comparable to what these women have had to endure. And the worse part is that none of it is even really JUSTIFIED. The attacks on Zoe Quinn using sex to promote her game were proven false almost immediately, yet SO MANY GamerGate supports keep trying to push that as evidence when it’s not even TRUE.

And ACTUAL journalistic news sites and magazines have picked up on this. They’re looking at this mess from the outside and they don’t see all your “keen” nitpicking points about Zoe or Anita. They see a group of people angrily and unjustifiably attacking prominent women in games for having opinions. And that’s what they report on. That is what YOU LOOK LIKE when you support Gamer Gate to them. Gamer Gate supports? You are not winning this war. You are backing yourself up into a corner, and sooner or later there is not going to be anyplace for you to turn or run anymore and you’re gonna have to DEAL with reality.

Dealing with Reality
Gaming and geek culture needs to grow up. A LOT. You do not see people who criticize movies, books, or music getting the same types of harassment you do anyone who criticizes games. And I get the immature mentality behind it too. Once upon a time, when I was younger, I GOT and UNDERSTOOD that it bothered me when someone would say something bad about something I liked. “How can I enjoy this thing when someone is saying bad things about it?” Link:…

But I grew up. I learned that it’s OK for difference of opinions or even different perspectives and world views. Being able to criticize things you love makes you more mature and grown up. Hell, there are some movies and books I absolutely ADORE that some critics absolutely HATE. And that’s OK! It doesn’t make my enjoyment any less real or diminished!

A lot of this just comes from a fundamental lack of comprehension about criticism. The number of people I’ve had to deal with who seem to think Jack Thompson (a once licensed Lawyers who actively ran campaigns to shut down or stop games he personally found objectionable from being MADE) is comparable to Anita Sarkeesian (a feminist who made a series of videos about problematic tropes) is disheartening. I’d really like to think that people out there are SMARTER than that. That people can realize saying “something is problematic” is IN NO WAY comparable to actually trying to enact actual LAWS and CENSORSHIP to prevent games from even being MADE.

There is a severe and fundamental difference between a laywer making laws that are actual legal forms of censorship... and a person saying “this trope in a video game is kinda bad, maybe we should not keep using it and try something else, please?” I mean, do people in Gamer Gate believe that Roger Ebert hating a movie means he was trying to CENSOR the filmmakers? Because that’s what Gamer Gate sounds like when they try to censor Anita for speaking.

For me, it seems like Gamer Gate is just a new hashtag that the very same people who unironically threw tantrums over “Fake Geek Girls” can hide behind. Remember that? Remember when gamers and comic nerds got so upset at the growing number of women coming into geek culture that they started calling them “fake geeks?” Geek culture had reached such a mainstream peak that it was FASHIONABLE. You would THINK that would mean REAL geeks would be happy... right?

Unfortunately I think that geek culture being mainstream helped serve as a “reality check” for many “true” geeks. They realized they were no longer special. That their “identity” as gamers or comic fans was no longer something they could hold on to themselves. That now that everyone and their grandmother was playing video games and knew about superheros and comics... they were no longer special. And that pissed them off. That made them MAD. It’s the whole “when everyone’s super, no one will be” mentality.

Sidenote: that’s a good point. GamerGate? You’re Syndrome from The Incredibles.

Sidenote 2: Also, you know who you can thank for geek culture becoming mainstream like that? Apple, Marvel, and Nintendo. Both Apple and Nintendo popularized the idea that anyone can play video games and have fun with apps and the Wii/DS. And Marvel helped usher in the idea that superhero movies aren’t just for geeks, and that anyone can enjoy them now. So if gamers and geeks are mad at anyone, they should be made at those companies.

Anyway. First they tried to exclude women by calling them “fake geeks.” But when they realized that wasn’t working, they switched tactics. Now it’s about hiding behind “ethics” while attacking women (and anyone who supports them). And because there’s no central movement leader, no written in stone goals, no IRL meetings and agendas that can be adhered to... Gamer Gate can morph and change into whatever it needs to to keep attacking women. Anyone who tries to get a fix on what Gamer Gate actually IS will get bombarded by hundreds of different messages and ideologies from a variety of people who all have their OWN internalized idea. It’s like trying to fight the ocean from making waves.

It’s about Ethics, except when it’s not!
If Gamer Gate really is about ethics... where was GamerGate when Warner Bros was found to be dictating what YouTube people were “allowed” to say about their game Shadow of Mordor? Link:…

If Gamer Gate people really believe Zoe Quinn’s game is so corruptible and bad it shouldn’t be allowed on steam... why aren’t they advocating for a change in Steam’s greenlight policy that allows shit like “The Mountain” or “Air Control” from existing and charging actual MONEY for broken gameplay experiences?

Why is it that even when Gamer Gate does something POSITIVE, like donating to charity, it’s out of SPITE for a woman they determined wasn’t being transparent enough with her own charity fundraising? Why can’t they do it because they WANT to, and not as a passive aggressive “fuck you” to a woman they already seem to hate?

How can Gamer Gate people claim it's about ethics and integrity, when they actively harass and whine about a video game not being given a perfect score on a website they don't like? Remember when Dragon's Crown got ONE poor review? Or when Polygon knocked a few points off of Bayonetta 2 because the reviewer didn't like all the sexualized content? Demanding everyone march in lock-step and never have any different opinions is the OPPOSITE of having "ethics" and "integrity."

Why is that when Felicia Day, well known gamer and a popular geek personality talks about her LEGITIMATE FEARS about Gamer Gate, she gets doxxed and harassed as a way of silencing her?

The answer, of course, is simple. Gamer Gate ISN’T about ethics. Ethics is just a cover story. The astroturfing covering the true intentions. Gamer Gate is about silencing women (and anyone who supports them) out of fear that these women will come in and CHANGE everything they love.

Change is scary... but also good!
When people talk pro-Gamer Gate, they’re really saying “I don’t want change.” They don’t want variety. They want to keep things exactly where they are right now. It’s familiar. It’s comforting. But it’s not progress. Change is scary, but it can also be GREAT. And frankly, I’d rather there be more voices in gaming than less. I want more people playing, more people ENJOYING games than ever before. And the best part is? It doesn’t have to decrease ANYTHING you enjoy! Embracing social justice and equality does not mean you can’t still enjoy games like Bayonetta 2 or Grand Theft Auto. Those games will STILL get made, the only difference is that now there will be more variety and other options for people who don’t want to play those games.

Social Justice is not “evil.” Wanting more variety in games, and asking NICELY for game developers to CONSIDER not including or perpetuating potentially bad tropes in games is not “censorship.” Having more OPTIONS does not reduce the ones you already HAVE. That’s what bugs me the most about people who try to silence those working towards equality. This is a magical slice of pie that DOES NOT GET SMALLER when you ADD more people to it. A game that adds a woman character selection does not mean the male character doesn’t exist anymore. A game that allows people from all genders, races, and ethnicities to enjoy it, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it either. A game that doesn’t rely on outdated stereotypes and tropes about women, does not mean the gameplay will “suffer.”

And you know what? Harassing people, doxxing their accounts, attacking them IRL and stalking them online is terrorism. Domestic terrorism. I know the word “terrorism” is loaded now, but by pure definition that’s exactly what Gamer Gate is. Terrorism is the use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims. What is Gamer Gate now if not terrorists? So many women (like Felicia Day… ) who are too scared to even SPEAK UP about the issues they have out of FEAR of being attacked. That is terrorism. That is creating fear through intimidation and violence. Nobody should be scared to talk about video games.

Don’t be defined by a hashtag
I cannot support Gamer Gate. From where I sit it’s just a hashtag used by some incredibly nasty individuals as a cover shield for their nasty actions. I believe in Journalistic Ethics. I also believe in variety being “the spice of life” and that by having MORE people from different views and opinions entering the industry we’ll have and even wider range of games and comics and stories. I believe inclusivity is better than exclusivity. And I believe that allowing people to criticize the things we love, will ultimately result in more variety and opinions and voices creating new and amazing content.

And I don’t need a hashtag to support those goals.

PS: My advice for anyone who believes in REAL ethics in journalism and professionalism in gaming is to ditch the Gamer Gate hashtag and just fight for those rights like you normally would. Associating yourself with a group that is seen by the general public as a “hate group” is not going to help you. Don’t let a hashtag define who you are, and don’t let a hashtag keep you from speaking about issues you feel should be talked about. I know there are actual good people in GamerGate. Please don’t get dragged down by the sinking ship, ok?
  • Mood: Hope
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  • Watching: Age of Ultron Trailer
  • Playing: Bayonetta 2 Demo
  • Eating: McDonalds
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Trick or Treat Giveaway!

Thu Oct 23, 2014, 4:45 PM
Evil Pumpkin - Free Icon by etNoirDrooling Pumpkin - Free Icon by etNoirEvil Pumpkin - Free Icon by etNoirDrooling Pumpkin - Free Icon by etNoirEvil Pumpkin - Free Icon by etNoirDrooling Pumpkin - Free Icon by etNoirEvil Pumpkin - Free Icon by etNoirDrooling Pumpkin - Free Icon by etNoir


To celebrate this spooky holiday I thought I'd have a giveaway :p Not very spooky but actually the thought of
missing out on points could be scary! ha..ha. Anyway heres the info. Read it all before commenting :shakefist:

There are 10 trick or treat bags some are treats (:points:) some are tricks (nothing =p) I'll draw 5 numbers. If you picked the right bag you get the treat! if you picked the wrong bag. TRICKS ON YOU! (and obviously if I draw you and someone's already picked your bag I'll pick someone else. Sorry first come first serve)

HAVE FUN :evillaugh: revamp

Jack O Lantern Must :+devwatch: Watch me
Jack O Lantern Comment with the trick or treat bag you chose (you can only enter once)
Jack O Lantern :+fav: Fav this journal to enter (if you don't fav I can't pick you)
:emote: ghost test EXTRA: If you write a journal about this giveaway and link it in your comment you get DOUBLE the amount of :points: if you're picked! (although if you pick a "trick" bag 0x2 still equals 0 lol)

1)trick or treat by ichadoggi       2)  trick or treat by ichadoggi        3)  trick or treat by ichadoggi       4)  trick or treat by ichadoggi 
5)trick or treat by ichadoggi        6) trick or treat by ichadoggi         7) trick or treat by ichadoggi        8) trick or treat by ichadoggi 
9)trick or treat by ichadoggi        10) trick or treat by ichadoggi     


New Hello

Journal Entry: Thu Oct 23, 2014, 9:31 PM

I wrote this when I thought I'd be leaving for a much longer time because at the same time I needed a break and I was too scared to show my face to anyone

They weren't kidding when they said the first attempt usually never succeeds.
But I must say, I've never been so selfish in my entire life. And I sincerely apologize for putting each and every one of you through so much pain, especially, Felix and Tyler. Although, after such an experience, I've learned so much, and most importantly, who cares and who doesn't. And what I didn't appreciate the most, was the fact that people only began caving in when I revealed the fact that I was completely and utterly willing to try. Especially people like Fire, And Catz, who of which have left me behind as well. Some of you only began to care when you thought I was dead, and I know who genuinely cared and who didn't. Have you ever just stopped and thought about what you're doing to a person? Some of you have caused this depression and only seemed to feel regret when I expressed how serious I was about killing myself. You only live once and what do you do? You harass a child until she breaks down to the point she just can't stand breathing anymore. Whether it be spamming her on DeviantArt, or Skype, treating her like a complete and utter joke, you almost took part in killing a child, do you know how terrible that is, how heartless you have to be to accomplish such? Actually some of you didn't feel regret, and I could've actually died and I want you to know that I truly despise you, you cruel hearted bastards. And it breaks my own heart to know that people even begin to idolize assholes like you. I can't even begin to express the hatred I feel for each and every member of this ridiculous Y-Clan. Calling me literal shit, because I asked someone I thought I could trust and love, to have linked icons with me, who of which left me like a snap of my own two fingers because I asked her to tell her friends to step off and leave me alone. They spammed me, reported me for being young, yes I was a 12 year old girl up until the day of October 31st, I am currently 13 as of now. You broke my trust by telling everyone I was only 12 and at the same time, getting your friends to report me as well. You insulted me, and you were the ones who acted like children. Just because I was at a very young age does not mean I'm less of a human being, and people who treat kids like complete and utter dirt before getting to know them for who they are, you are the literal shit. I know some of you who could not believe if not refused to believe I was at the age of 12 because of my personality and talent, and yet when it's out there before you get to know me you all of a sudden suspect that I'm immature and don't know wrong from right whatsoever. People of Y-Clan, you know who you are and I'm so willing to call you out. Rea, and all your pathetic friends. You guys attacked innocent friends of mine who of which tried to stand up for me, and you all did this over a harmless misunderstanding over icons. I hope you all grow up one day, it's not me who has to grow up because fortunately I have some sort of excuse for being the way that I am, supposedly, because I'm a little child so to speak and I'm stupid and immature and don't know how to do shit. You're sickening, and it's going to be very hard to forgive you, Wyeth, for just drop kicking me when I was asking you for help with something so simple when you knew how much it was hurting me, I've lost all respect for you. You used to be my idol until I realized how heartless you can be as well. Thanks Y-Clan, thanks for adding on to my depression. I tried so hard to brush you off but you got what you wanted, you got under my skin and made me feel suicidal once again. And if someone asks who was in Y-Clan I am going to tell them I'm only hiding your names as I write this. You're true dickwads to be honest.
And for those of you who were apart of the issue with Silver, yes I know I hurt her. Every single time you tell me that I did, I literally lose my mind, Mich should know because when she told me I immediately broke down and got so unbelievably furious and upset. Jesus Christ do you know how much it hurts to constantly be reminded by not only yourself but everyone else around you how shitty of a friend you are, especially to what was once your own best friend. The reason I breathed, the reason I woke up each and every day. Holy shit did I love you, Silver. Did I mean to hurt you? No, I didn't, but jealousy tends to get the best of me and only Felix has respected me for that. Jealousy brings people to hurting the ones they love, without them even knowing of such. I didn't know I hurt you, and you never told me I did either. Did I pull the victim card? Partially, yes. I did tell people I put you through an abusive relationship, but no one seems to understand how heart broke I was, and still am. They only thought about you, and left me in the dust. And there for I have learned who isn't worth my time caring for at all. I only shed respect for Ash in the issue, because I know she at least thought of me somewhat when it came to losing, Silver. And of course I respect, Silver too. We broke each other's hearts, was I to blame? Yes, I was. But not entirely and no one seems to understand my point of view. I loved you so much, that I began to think that I was all you needed. You never set boundaries for me, I thought that everything I was doing was okay. Like, allowing a puppy to bite you and getting angry at it as it gets older expecting it to suddenly know that its not suppose to bite you and that it's not okay, because you didn't tell it otherwise beforehand, if that makes any sense. Yes Silver, I fucked up, oh boy did I fuck up and I will never forgive myself for it, ever. I wish I could turn everything around, but I can't, I tried and I can't. I tried to mend everything back together and I got so frustrated because nothing I did worked. And thus, with Y-Clan attacking me and losing Silver and all of her friends, I begin to feel like a monster. Although I do blame Y-Clan for everything, I don't blame Silver nor do I blame, Ash. Silver, I fucking love you, unfortunately I fucking love you so fucking much, and as for Ash, thank you for trying to lend me a hand. As for Y-Clan yea no suck my ass you pricks, you're also faggots. Yep I said it, you're all faggots ( ight the word faggot is wrong and i dont recommend this word but my point still stands ) and oh boy do I hate you guys. I will take blame for what happened with Silver but holy shit I wish Y-Clan would suffer honestly. Haha how cruel is that I really am I monster.
But, getting to the point, I got so lonely because admittedly I pushed everyone away, and after losing her I was bit in the ass big time for taking advantage of others. I felt as though I had no one up until this day. People only seemed to get angry with me or not even talk to me. I felt like I ruined everything I touched. Constantly losing people, I felt hopeless. I began to just give up and officially let everyone go. I was tired of losing people and I left the door open for them to walk out of. I began to feel even more lonely and unwanted and worthless, useless even. I felt like I was just taking up space and breaking hearts. And it went to the point where I felt as though I should simply end my life because I felt like no one really cared for the longest time, if it was so easy for people to just up and leave me. People continue to tell me, that people come and go, but everyone that left, were my best friends of all time, at least for a person was desperately loving as I. These were the people I let it, I showed them what was inside and after they saw it, they left. And so I begin to feel like there's something wrong with me, because they truly knew me for me. And I can't say there's nothing wrong with me, there's a lot of things that I wish I could fix, from my looks to my personality, and you don't know hard I've tried to become the perfect person. Someone that, everyone could love. Someone that, didn't love so much, someone that didn't care so much. And I failed with each and every single try. 
But, Felix God damn it do I love you. I love you so much and I'm so, so sorry I worried you for even a moment. I'm so glad you had people there for you when this all happened, you don't deserve feeling upset over a person like me, you really don't. Thank you so much for always being there for me whenever I needed you to be, whether it be standing up for me because I'm a huge baby and fuck up a lot and need you to clean up the messes I make all the time because I'm a fuck up, or just being there for me to vent to and talk to. You did everything you could I know you did, and please don't feel as though this was all your fault. Literally the only people I want to blame themselves are the people in Y-Clan right now. Bottom line is, I don't want anyone blaming themselves or feeling as though they didn't do enough. You guys did all that you could for as long as you could. And so Felix, and Tyler, I love you both dearly. And I'm so sorry for causing so much trouble I honestly am and I don't know where to begin with apologies. It went to a point where I was too afraid to show any sign of being alive but also very concerned about other's safety. 
I'm sorry for this, I'm sorry for everything and my existence is one of the things I'm very sorry for but if about 400 of you want me around, including mostly strangers, and hey I'm staying. A part of me, though legitimately suicidal, wanted to know who cared and who was there for me. Honest to God I wasn't being one of those attention seeking dickheads, because nothing is worse than purposely using if not faking depression to be crowded with attention. I've been suicidal for years and only this year did I publicly put it out there and was willing to try it and even Felix knows that I was suicidal years before. So I'm not 'faking'. I wouldn't have gone to a mental hospital and suffer for so long if I was faking, if so then I'm a great actress and should be on television right now. I'm anything but fake, even some of who have supposedly said I use famous artists, for attention, but I don't. People like Felix, and Silver should understand that I wouldn't put so much love and affection and attention into someone I was using. I don't use people, that's terrible, and makes me so unbelievably angry to know people would even consider me to be fake in any way whatsoever.
Here, I'm alive. I really hope that this relieves a lot of you, and I honest to God hope none of you will be angry with me, but I'd understand either way.
I've skimmed through if not actually read all of your comments for a few hours now, and boy did it sure cheer me up to know that so many people care.
I'm sorry, Kastoway, I love you so much including Ludiiicrous and tymblr
I love all of you so much and I want to thank all of you including NinjaKato, who I really want to get to talk to after this whenever I can. And other idols mine who were concerned and all you other people who spread so many loving words for me after all this time. All the journals, everything, this moment will be saved in my heart forever.
I love you all
And I'll try to reply to as much as I can.. I'm sorry.
And a special thanks to all of those who were there for the ones who were upset over me. You're all amazing and I'm so thankful. I just don't know how to thank and apologize to you guys.. thank you so much.. I'm sorry. 
Other people that I wish to see this, SkittyStrawberries and miyuiki

There are so many people I want to thank, and apologize to personally, but I just don't know where to start my mind is going at 1,000 miles per hour..

I'm coming back a new person
I know more than what I knew before
I'm starting over
I'm sorry


Designed by KovoWolf & coded by sergbel

thank u

Journal Entry: Thu Oct 23, 2014, 5:04 PM

CSS Skin

I just wanted to take a moment to give thanks to my watchers who are helping me with my anatomy for one of my prints. 
This means so much and I hope I can work hard enough to get an artist alley table at sakuracon maybe ;;;;

So to thank u guys, I wanted to host a little raffle!!!
All u need to do is favorite this journal
and i will use the number generator thingy
and boom!!! free art!!!

For this raffle, I'm offering this <333 
 photo 10-15-14enolapixel_zps71bd38ce.png
I'm only doing pixel chibis rn, cause I really want to practice these before I get ready to pop up some commissions ; u ; <33
You will: get a 125x125 pix cheeb
a 200% zoom in version if you want to place it on your profile
and a cropped version of this chibi so you can use as an icon

The people who can enter are the one who watched me BEFORE
5:04 PM PST

thank u ; b ; 


I still don't know how to tie my shoes ; A ;

watcher raffle: win art!

Journal Entry: Fri Oct 24, 2014, 7:06 AM

ok so i've never really done anything for my watchers;; so i'm gonna art Wink and Dimples 

i will pick 2 random watchers and they will each get a fullbody! but if this gets over 150 entries there will be 3 fullbody winners and 1 digital painting winner!

i can draw either ponies or feral/anthros. no humans please!

rarity by amigotrade: toby by amigo

you have to be a watcher to enter!!!!!

1. fave this journal. your raffle number will be the number next to your name when you click the 'who?' link in the statistics of this journal.
2. that's it lmao how easy can it get right

i will pick the winners 12AM usa time, november 11, the day my o levels end!
no late entries are allowed. faving after the deadline will not enter you into the raffle.
thank you for the continuous support ; v ; it means so much to me!!!! -kaileeeee

Skin by SimplySilent
I just need to vent a bit here...

I'm not entirely sure why... but the situation with muzzlemutt has gotten me so twisted up and scared. 
Truthfully, I didn't know her that well and yeah, it's easy to say that right now I regret it -- because there's a possibility she is gone. **[Go down to bottom for an update on the situation]
However, I won't say that.
Because you shouldn't have to be close to someone to care about them and their well being. You shouldn't have to be a close friend to have concern and pain about losing them. 

I spent last night and today with her on my mind even without knowing her. I just kept thinking I'd see an update that would say she is okay and is getting the help and care she needs... but there is nothing. Not a single thing to say what has happened or her condition. 
So far all there is is a stark comment stating that she may be gone. There's no proof though which in part is something of a relief.

In the last few months I've heard of far too many people wanting to, trying to, and successfully ending their lives due to bullying, depression, disability, and hopelessness. 
It literally breaks my heart to know that someone can get to a point where the only way out is death. 
Then I am reminded of my own darkness... the times I tried to end it all. 
The pain... the anger... the utter hatred I had for myself was so deep I couldn't handle it. In those moments my demons won... 

There's no way I could ever blame someone for taking their own life but I cannot condone it. Not where there's billions of people on this rock. Someone somewhere out there cares, and even if it's just a stranger you've barely talked to -- caring is caring. 
So I sit here anxiously waiting news on the situation. My heart pleads for a happy outcome but my mind can't help but think the worst.
I have seen messages like that before and while some were a sick joke or a cry for attention, this one hit me differently. This one seemed legit. 
My best friend growing up left a note similar to this one and a day after I was told about it she was in the hospital for having tried to hang herself. She tried twice after in the hospital... At the time I was utterly useless and they wouldn't even let me see her.
Her life wasn't easy -- In fact it was probably the worst life a child could live. Her mum abandoned her with her grandmum, her dad only used her for money to get drunk, lied to her, and then beat her. Her mother tried to reclaim her only to beat her, mentally abuse her, and then insult and reject her daily. I was there and I saw it. 
She soon spiraled down to taking pills, sometimes 10-15+ (on average 8 or so =/) daily. Even when I took away and flushed her pills or they were locked away from her she somehow got more. Not long after she got addicted to heroin and turn to prostitution. 
She and I had a falling out and when I heard of her attempting to end her life once again it floored me and I felt the deepest pain I've ever felt. A guilt that literally made me sick... A wondering of why I didn't try harder, why I wasn't there for her.
However, I realized that there was a reason I wasn't and that was that she had pushed me away. I tried as hard as I could at the time but in the end she didn't want me anymore, she didn't need me. 
A couple years passed and after she wound up in jail and in lock down at a psyche ward several times she came back to me, knocking on my door. She looked different and for the first time in nearly 8 years she looked... healthy and happy. Today she has recovered and while she still has episodes of depression she has a new outlook on life. 
For some people this is the turn life takes. It gets better because you get help in your darkest hour.
But for others it's not so easy. 

Depression is not a joke and it can bring even the strongest person to their knees. It can drain every shred of light from life and it can close every door and window and hold you captive in your own mind. 
But it isn't what defines you. It never is. 
Life happens on a grander scale than here and now. It's not about the past, because you can't fix that. It's about the future and who you can be then. 

I feel like I'm preaching here but I can't help it. I'm so emotionally confounded at the moment I don't know what to do. My own anxiety is going haywire tonight and I've sat here refreshing journals about the situation looking for a clue on what has happened.
It sounds silly and maybe a bit obsessive but I just can't bear to see or hear of another person leaving by their own hands.
My lot in life is to help people as much as I can. There's times where I feel words can only do so much but what else have I got at my disposal? What more can I do when I don't really know someone? 

For now I just want to say if you know anyone who is suffering... be there with them. It may seem trivial now and possibly not as bad as it could be but you don't know how bad it really is. Most of the time people who are depressed hide their true feelings to avoid problems or being a burden to others. They mask it behind a facade of smiles and laughter when deep inside they're so torn apart; so helpless they don't know what to do.
The worst thing you can face in depression isn't death; it's disappointment. And that disappointment is usually you yourself. 

Please, please, please... There's too many sad stories with not enough happy endings these days. 

I don't know what to even say anymore other that I hope everything turns out for the better in this situation and I open my inbox to anyone who needs advice or help. Even if it's just to vent or let off steam. I'll offer advice when I can or when asked but for now I will only listen. My inbox on here and Tumblr is open to anyone who needs it. 
However, bear in mind that I am not a professional psychiatrist by any means or license. The only advice I can give is personal and based on personal experience and research. 
If you are suffering from depression so severe that you are contemplating taking your own life, get help. Call the hospital or walk in on your own and tell them what is going on. 
Also In the U.S. the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline's # is 1-800-273-8255 
In other countries --…

Please seek help for yourself or for a friend/family member who is contemplating suicide. Also, be there for them and be with them. 
Let them know you care and love them in whatever way possible that they are comfortable with. Don't judge them or their feelings because they literally cannot help it. 
Be their voice and be their rock. 


New HelloI wrote this when I thought I'd be leaving for a much longer time because at the same time I needed a break and I was too scared to show my face to anyone
They weren't kidding when they said the first attempt usually never succeeds.
But I must say, I've never been so selfish in my entire life. And I sincerely apologize for putting each and every one of you through so much pain, especially, Felix and Tyler. Although, after such an experience, I've learned so much, and most importantly, who cares and who doesn't. And what I didn't appreciate the most, was the fact that people only began caving in when I revealed the fact that I was completely and utterly willing to try. Especially people like Fire, And Catz, who of which have left me behind as well. Some of you only began to care when you thought I was dead, and I know who genuinely cared and who didn't. Have you ever just stopped and thought about what you're doing to a person? Some of you have caused this depression


Journal Entry: Thu Oct 23, 2014, 4:35 PM

My Profile PageMy GalleryMy Journal

Skin created by (c) r0se-designs

Brown Toko Pups! (Art Raffle)

Journal Entry: Fri Oct 24, 2014, 9:07 AM

Salvadore 29 by TotemSpirit x Tikarok 68 by TotemSpirit

Male, Natural mane
Submissive - Healthy
Graying collared brown

Female, Natural mane
Submissive - Healthy
Marked collared brown

This beautiful brown litter is up for grabs, and can only be acquired by drawing any of the following Tokos:

Badger 860 by TotemSpirit Navajo 859 by TotemSpirit Salvadore 29 by TotemSpirit 

The more effort you put into your image, the more tickets your entries will be worth! All entries must be full body and colored!

Colored Sketch = 1 ticket
Colored Lines = 2 tickets
Shading = +1 ticket
Simple background = +2 tickets
Complex/Detailed Background = +4 tickets

You will have one full month to complete your entries. 

Deadline: November 25th

  • Listening to: Pandora
  • Reading: Memoirs of a Geisha
  • Watching: Rattatouille
  • Playing: Secret of the Magic Crystal
  • Eating: Hot Wings
  • Drinking: Water

In the Heart of it All

Thu Oct 23, 2014, 4:28 PM
My Favorite Season
leaf fall by Digithalie
Contest coming soon to an end
9 days left
BY > :iconwindklang:
Link :iconfingerpokeplz:  Feature ContestHello everybody!!
:new: One last prize added.

I am in current dialogue with All-about-features in order to set up a second contest like this but with free chose of skins and also with an option for non premium-members.
People who are interested in sponsoring prizes - please contact Felizias - she will be organizing the prizes :)
We highly appreciate our sponsors.
After holding my first contest about journal-skins which was a success so far, I want to go ahead, doing my next contest already!
To thank the participans of the previous contest and show them my appreciation - and to make sure, that their skins are recognized by the community, I want to host a follow-up contest.

Deadline: 1st November 2014

How to enter/Rules:

Star! choose

So must get some more use of these
wonderful journal skins
featured for contest
"Of course can still use them afterwards too" 
and more fabulous art 
So before Winter begins
more Autumn deviations surfing... by KitLightning
As Summer ends and Fall begins
Summer is gone by Shiaty
SO often does the rainy season too
Dancing in the Rain HDR by ISIK5
But don't cry
Lost but not Forgotten by NaaraZheng
Enjoy the special moments
and Blue sky days
Autumn by bluediabolo
Daydream by dendrology
Find special little treasures
As you know I love to do 
heart of gold by augenweideFarewell, Autumn by VintageWarmth
Autumn palette. by Phototubby
Autumn macro... by YancisSunkissed by alexgphoto
Kids also love  Autumn and theres exquisite scenes
Baby Pumpkins by StephGablerColors of Autumn I by 1001G
But if Rain persist

Waiting.. by megan7364 by StudioUndertheMoon

Then why not stay in and make beautiful Autumn Art
Autumn Leaves by Eternal-Lyric Oak Leaf by Dusty-Feather
Morning Light by Dusty-Feather
Has he gone? (Scared Kitten) by George-H-ArtWitch's Brew by Katerina-Art
The cutest witch by Katerina-Art
And whether the summer? by kosharik69
Eyes of Autumn (ACEO) - sketch by MayumiOgihara
Kincottage by jackburton86Miller's View by jackburton86
Timeless by jackburton86
The Recumbent Narcissist by Velvet--Glove
Huge Mandala2 My Neighbourhood - Traditional work by Lou-in-Canada
the famous Starsingers by kiriOkami
With Halloween just around the corner
Much more fun to be had
Frankenbull by Dwarf4rA Halloween's Night by poserfanJaqueline Torne by mirandajory
Lormet-Holiday-0418sml by Lormet-ImagesThe Cat and the Pumpkin by SharPhotography
Hollow by xmilekInside Jack-o'-Lantern Hideout by Dusty-Feather
So go ahead
Chase the leaves
Fall 4 All! by Stasushka
A Leaf In Autumn by maiarcita
A falling leaves, animation V by ladyjudina
Forest Lights by Thinking-Silence
Don't forget some yummy snacks
Halloween Cupcakes with Royal Icing by theresahelmerTrick Or Treat! by WishmasterAlchemistMini (bite size) Halloween Cupcakes by theresahelmer
Until next time
From the Queen of the Forest
Smileys Kisses by LOVEMAYUFall ID by gigi50 Happy Dance by Momma--G
Canadian Heart Emote by Littledarkling13

ай CSS JMTH/poserfan
  • Mood: Love
  • Listening to: ROCK & ROLL
  • Eating: Vegies & dip
  • Drinking: Water