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I think I am going to take a break from drawing for a while. I recently had another project with some friends fall appart and a lot of it was my fault. Unlike my job I can't seem to take drawing or other creative projects seriously. I refrain from applying the word art to what I do out of respect for people who are doing this with some kind of focus and direction. All the projects I ever try with other people seem to fail. Either I slack of some way on my end or they do. Either way nothing ever seems to work out.

The people who encouraged me to start posting my drawings are not even active on this site any more and the lack of traffic I get is really eroding my confidence and desire to want to do this any more. This seems like a dead end. And work is going to keep me from doing much this month any way.

In addition to this I have started to sabotage my self with certain ideologies. It seems to me that as with dreams everything ever created by any artist is technically a self portrait. It is a product of the mind made with the body coming from a place that is completely off the self. Even if the image is in mimicry of something else it is not truly that thing by the attempt of the artist to match or associate their mind with a thing. 

Every character landscape or thing you draw is you. Hero or villain, predator or prey, torturer or victim, paradise or dystopia are all reflections of yourself and your mindscape. That is your own soul you are laying out to be seen. Just as everything in a dream is also you. Because when you are in your mind you are the only thing that exists there. Rather than any appeal to mortality one of the most meaningful checks to your presented content should be the fact that no matter what you have just drawn, your have just drawn yourself. What others do with that part you have given they do to a part of you. The concept of this becoming a form of mental prostitution has started to become very disturbing to me. Especially since people often consider my drawings as "furry" and my trepidation of this term that I poorly understand.

The dream world and the waking world seem to be getting a little blurry to me lately. My dreams have been increasing in clarity an becoming more vivid ever since I suffered a series of concussions the last two deployments. I don't know how concerned to be with this because the result has been so fascinating.

Over the past few years my dreams have taken on a number of strange qualities. Firstly I have an extraordinary amount of control. To such an extent that I can build landscapes create characters and manipulate even the plot of the dream as it happens around me. The continuity of my dreams is also strange, in that I can continue right where I left off sometimes for weeks on end with the same dream. I never have nightmares. Which is odd because when I was young I had them so frequently that I tried to avoid sleep if at all possible. I've had some people tell me this is a blessing. However I would call it a mixed one as this condition makes me somewhat resentful of my waking life. 
 
This all becomes more disturbing to me because in my family insanity is something we worry about the way other families worry about diabetes or cancer. Every so often it just picks one of us off.  My proclivity for isolation is in some ways more about my concern for others.

Perhaps this is just a passing bout of melancholic because of recent events. I'll have to try and decide during June and July because I have big life changes to make this fall. I've resolved to try to be more social this deviant account was part of that. And. I have run into some very nice people here. I need to think on this a while.
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