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Rolling Stone by TheCosmicTraveler, literature
Literature
Rolling Stone
Alone A lone rolling stone Rotating as a lunar Looking for a place to belong Sing our songs Hear our voices Listen to our tales Shedding light on a dark story Gathering no moss No place do we belong We keep moving Eventually getting lost Throughout the days and nights We roll between death and life We're fighting and surviving I can't stop from crying 3-6-24
Aweighted Moment by HisokaMurasaki, literature
Literature
Aweighted Moment
Four days ago, I slammed him against the wall pinning him, demanding why. The unanswerable, boding, irritating question word between us for years. Why wouldn't he date me? Why haven't we tried friends with benefits yet? Why has he manipulated and used me for ten years? There was always a why and never a solid answer; only flimsy responses with changing facades. But on this day-four evenings later- I was supposed to pick him up from work and bring him back to my house. Movie marathon and dinner was the plan. Foreboding enveloped me, reluctance of the evening, and doubt he would keep his word. Despite the upbeat hip-hop from my computer while I finished dressing, my memories wandered back to the other evening. /Her hand grabbed his, she called out his nam; both to make him stop. He didn't pull away but barely looked over his shoulder at her. Head hung, however, her hand tightly and firmly gripped his; she asked that looming question: "Why have you treated me like shit all these years?" He turned to face her, "What are you talking about?" Befuddled she stared at him momentarily before explaining her stance. The lack of initiative, the evasive and unresponsiveness to anything concerning them, and his weak excuses for everything. Scowling he remarked, "I didn't realize I was doing all that." "Excuse me!" She jerked her hand out of his, "How would you not know?! I've declared my love to you several times and you've shot me down with flat and flimsy reasons. Yes I've been persistent and clingy but I saw something in you, something positive. From day one I could feel your potential but your hesitancy made me suspicious I should have never tried forming any relationship with you; but that hope and faith I had for you is what made me hold on." Quietly he stared at her with a blank expression. Frustrated she turned to reenter her bedroom, "I don't know what to tell ya." At his monotone she flipped back around, "You never do! For ten years I've dealt with you, been by your side, tried to show you I care by showing interest in your hobbies and life. I've always been sincere..." A brief pause overwhelmed her before she shoved him into the wall behind him. "I know I sound crazy but why can't you make up your mind about me and stick with it? STOP being inconsistent with me!" Her anger and tension boiled over through her eyes. He leveled his gaze on those darkened pupils, he simply stared at her. Further agitation ripped through her as she took a step back. His hand caught her along the jawline, stopping her instantly. Still angry and now confused, she scowled at him until he uttered, 'I'm sorry' in a low yet sincere tone. Flustered, her body relaxed and he pulled her into a hug. Tightly he squeezed her and kissed her on the temple. As he retracted from the hug he moved his cheek closer to hers where his lips brushed the corner of her mouth. Just as he moved in for the kiss she pushed him away. "You should go. I don't want you doing this just to make me happy." She removed herself from his personal space and turned her back on him. He checked his pockets for everything then saw himself out./ Four days ago that is what happened. Today I just finished knitting my shoes and wondered why I texted him to check on him, and then agreed to movie marathon with him. *sigh* I grabbed my wallet and keys, paused in the hallway then pushed myself forward to leave the house. As I got into the car I immediately opened the windows and unlocked my phone to send a message, "Hey omw now. You done?" I plugged in my iPod after starting the engine and chose a playlist as my car idled down. Clicking an alternative indie rhythm I backed out of my driveway. Ten minutes later his text time went off, "Sorry for the late reply. I'll be done in 15-20 minutes." I quickly glanced over the message before replying with Siri: "OK I should be there in twenty minutes that'll give you time to gather yourself." I authorized the message to send; the twenty minutes drive was quiet and uneventful aside from my music playing, and my thoughts whirring. Almost thirty minutes later I pulled into his work parking lot. He was standing by the door vapping. Feeling bad for tardiness I parked at the front of the building. "You're late." He pushed himself off the wall and sauntered toward my car. Before I could say anything, per usual, I sighed internally, "I got caught in traffic." "Uh-huh. Sure." I rolled my eyes, "Don't give me any attitude. At least I showed up." Giving me a somber glance he clearly stated, "I know." Quick retort, "You could be grateful." "Oh?" "Mmhm. Because I'm cooking you dinner." We drove out of the parking lot. "This is true." "Exactly." I knew I hadn't won because.... "But you were still late." "So?" "Well then obviously you're not sincere about feeding me." "Is that so?" He leveled a cocky, mischievous stare at me, "Well like I said, I got caught in traffic." "So you e said." I threw an irritated side glance to him, "What was I supposed to do, bring you food as an apology for being late?" He smirked with a raised eyebrow, "That would've been nice." "Ha!" The exclamation was louder than expected. "Then that would've made me even more late and you would t have wanted dinner." "Who says I want a cooked meal?" He was looking out the window until I turned a bland 'are-you-fucking-kidding-me' look in his direction. He returned with a smug, side turned gaze. "Then why did I come to pick you up?" He shrugged his shoulders still with that smug look, "Because you want to give me a back massage." He gave me a mischievous child smile. I focused on the road ignoring his personal, "I knew you'd say that..." From the corner of my eye I saw him joyfully smirk, "Well you do owe me one." "Yeah, yeah, so I've heard," rolling my eyes again. "Instead I might just tie you up." His eyes got big and round; I smirked from my small victory which he countered: "Well if you're into that." His facial expression recovered to indifference. I pushed his buttons, "Oh yea, of course. I like to tie men up with silk ribbons, binding their wrists and ankles after I strip them slowly." Pausing long enough to gauge his reaction and choosing to speak more sensually, "I take each piece of clothing off one at a time. Making sure to caress their skin as I do. Once they are completely naked I trace their bodies with my fingertips." He was intently listening while continuing to look out the window, and his arm now lay closer to his inner thigh rather than the center console. "I toy with each hollow and crevice in their body, touching them lightly to get them aroused, and once they are fully awakened-" my vocal tone shifted to indifference, "I grab my frayed crop and smack them across the face." My facial expression remained stoic until he looked at me horrified, "You're a weirdo." He shook his head to regain composure. I gigglesnorted at his reaction, "See? You're even laughing about it." Under my breath I quietly snorted again, "I'm laughing at you. At your reaction." He turned to me and playfully smirked. "It was priceless dude," I smirked in return. Still smiling at my oddity he repeated, "You're still a weirdo." I could only shrug in agreement with a smile. The rest of the drive to my house- less than ten minutes- was filled with first silence, again aside from my music, followed by commentary on my music and then a discussion of shared interest and suggestions for both of us to try. As we approached my house I recklessly rolled into the driveway because he had grabbed my iPod and was browsing the playlists while insulting every single title. Of course I was trying to get it back to shut him up.... which I succeeded by skidding in the gravel and he had to inform me of how much I sucked at driving, and was trying to kill him. Finally safely parked and car switched off I smacked his hand which loosened his grip so I could retrieve my device. "Geez, so violent." I only squinted my eyes and stuck out my tongue as retort. Unbuckled with door open I asked if he was coming. I should have known better because I immediately regretted the words as he scoffed with feigned unarousal, "Not after you slapped me." I rubbed my forehead to cover my smile. He stepped out of the front passenger door. I was already down the sidewalk waiting to lock my doors with the key fob. He absently closed my door-to which I armed the locks- while surveying my house and property. I watched him taking everything in and wondered what he was thinking. As if in cue, "This is so quaint." I turned to look at my Robin's Egg cottage-style house with storm grey roof, and open, wrought iron fenced front porch with sliding swing. "Are you saying that's a bad thing or a good thing?" Studying his expression I waited for a response. His face was soft and serene, eyes slowly shifting over everything a second time. "It's so peaceful here. How much land is yours?" As I stepped closer to him I directed his sight with my hand. "You see that fence corner?" My hand was pointed down toward the road in the direction we drove from, he nodded. "Follow the fence to that distant corner in the back of the field straight along behind the small woods, up through that little valley, and up to this corner here by the neighbor's house." We were now facing the neighbors to the right of the driveway with the road behind us. "How much land is that?" "Like the acres? Almost nine; that doesn't include the front, back, and side yards." He gaped at me, "What? Do you live in the city or something?" It really should have been stupid question but this was the second time he'd been to my house, and I'd never been to his. Not to mention the first time he was here the day had turned into dusk, he'd driven himself via GPS, and when he'd left the hour was late. The silence between us lasted for another couple-three minutes. Without warning he faced me, body one-quarter turned, "This is a very nice place you have here." Simply, silently I stared at him. Shifting my eyes away once, to which he stated, "I mean that." Which made me look at him again. Quietly I cleared my throat, "Thank you," before motioning him to follow me. Together we entered the house and he unloaded his small work backpack o my living room futon. In the back spare bedroom I heard my rabbit jumping in his cage. "So, would you like anything to drink while I get dinner started?" My ash brown cat slinked into the room. She'd caught his attention, but she s'ed through my slightly parted ankles- eyeing my friend suspiciously. Bending at the waist I said hello to my loyal feline; she stood on her back paws with her front ones resting on my outer thighs. As she purred I told her to go tell our rabbit hello for me. Before she left she rubbed her forehead against mine and trotted off into the other room. "Good girl," my voice trailed after her. "Is your cat a dog?" My eyes laughed at his remark. With an honest grin, "I bought them both at the same- my rabbit and cat- so they grew up together, and had the exact same training." "Does she actually go check on the rabbit?" "Go look for yourself. Down the hall, room across from mine." He nodded. His footsteps followed my directions and returned a couple moments later. My look was arrogant as he returned. "Yep. She was laying in front of it's cage. Her tail twitching when I approached." I quietly laughed to myself before clarifying to him: "That's because she doesn't like your strangeness near her friend." With a polite smile and a motion of my head I instructed him to tag along to the kitchen. He pulled out a stool from the bar height table. "So..." He waited until I turned to face him, "What about that drink?" Snapping my fingers in remembrance I offered the choices of water, milk, craft beer, natural juice, or pre-made latte. He accepted the latte concoction. After pouring his glass and returning the bottle to the stainless steel fridge, I grabbed the chilled pre-chopped ingredients from the crisper for the meal. He sat sipping his beverage and asked if I needed help. I politely declined. As I pulled out the nonstick skillet to warm on the flat top stove we chatted about what had happened in our lives for the past four days. He was telling me about how work was screwing him over with his paychecks again and that the frustration with his manager was getting unbearable for him. Despite that he can't afford to quit now- even though he doesn't make much- because the army finally called him back about his recruitment. Surprised, I commented my excitement for him and my congratulations for finally making the cut- so to speak. He explained how nervous he was, but he felt this was the best thing for him considering he has always been so indecisive about what to do with his life. His comment made me feel a bit guilty and like he was stabbing at me, /I have frequently told him he needs to get his shit together, but I also know that he realizes on his own how much of a pain in the ass he is with making life choices./ However, I continued to actively listen and not give anything away as to my inner thoughts. Thirty-five minutes went by- while dinner simmered and crackled in the stove- of us just catching up and actually being friends, a situation which happened rarely. I checked the primary dish one more time before turning off the burner and setting the cookware on the faux wood counter top. "Let me get the dishes out. Where are they?" Not about to argue with him, I told him to get into the cabinet in the corner above the microwave. He pulled out two blue flat plates and then rummaged through the drawer below to find two blue handled silverware. "Really like blue don't you?" He remarked with a soft smile. "Heh, yea well, it is one of my favorite colors." His eyes shadowed over as they fell to his feet and shifted uneasily from side to side. Slightly worried I gazed at him, "Are you okay?" With his eyes still on his feet and his voice barely above a whisper, "I never knew that." A cold chill coursed through my chest and clinched around my heart and lungs. /We've known each other this long, ten freaking years, and we don't even know the stupid, silly basics of each other. How have we survived this long? How has a friendship lasted on a connection was always frayed, breaking and bending in impossible shapes and angles... How can two people claim to be interconnected but have never actually connected? Can this even be considered an interpersonal relationship?/ My thoughts were disturbed as I noticed he had placed his hand on my left shoulder. His eyes were still clouded over but they were searching mine. Just as I was about to speak- what I don't know- he quickly closed the distance between us and covered my slightly parted lips with his. The kiss was soft yet sincerely and confidently placed. His hand on my shoulder remained there, he respectfully did not touch me elsewhere. Allowing my eyes to focus I noticed his head was now hung. "What is wrong? Are you okay? You are still acting weird." "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." His words echoed in my head. The same words I had heard for years, but this time they sounded different. "I don't know why... I can't tell you why it took me so long... I just..." Tears actually began to form in his eyes. Instinct told me to gather him up in my arms; as I pulled him into an embrace he tightly wrapped his arms under mine. "What are you talking about?" But instinct tickled my ears. I thought I knew what he was referring to. With his head cradled between my neck and right shoulder he spoke against my skin, "Let me try. Would you allow me to try being your boyfriend?" Shocked I could not speak; frozen I stood in my kitchen with a hot meal waiting on the counter to be eaten, and a broken man slumped in my arms. Ten years screamed through my ears with all its downs and rare ups with this guy; all the tears, all the heartache, and all the self loathing I felt toward myself for believing in something that I never thought would happen. But here I stood, the long awaited moment of our mutual existence in each other's lives, and I did not have a damn thing to say. He felt the reluctance and tension in my body. I felt him start to rise from my shoulder, so I gently pushed him away as he longingly looked for an answer in my eyes, my face, my person. And as I looked back at him with no words in my mouth and memories colliding with our experiences together, I still stood frozen.